My dear friend Di called me last week. “Can I just vent?,” she asked. “I can’t bring myself to wear a mask and I’m tired of feeling like I’m an evil person for it.” Di is a survivor of severe sexual abuse and just the thought of fully covering her mouth and nose at the same time is too much. In fact, not only is it triggering to think about wearing a mask, but it’s triggering for her just to see others wearing masks. All of the things that covering the mouth and nose symbolize brings so much of her past to the surface. She is an essential worker, which means she cannot draw unemployment just because she’s not able to wear a mask. She has to work and she’s required to wear a mask if her clients request it. And I’m positive she is not alone. Several people have told me that wearing masks creates anxiety, and in some cases extreme anxiety. As the CDC rolled out it’s newest recommendations, many states took aim at people who “refuse” to wear a mask.
Pennsylvania, where I live, made it mandatory last week for people to wear masks in order to enter businesses. With a very few exceptions and no accountability for businesses to refrain from verbally attacking customers, businesses are now required to turn away people who don’t wear a mask. A recent opinion piece by columnist Paul Muschick shows just how judgmental he and many other people are towards people like my friend Di who cannot wear masks. Paul writes:
Businesses that provide medication, medical supplies or food “must provide alternative methods of pick-up or delivery of such goods” for those without a mask.
Why?
Why are we putting the onus on the businesses to cater to people who are too lazy, stubborn or self-conscious to wear a mask?
Grocery stores, convenience stores and pharmacies have their hands full during the coronavirus crisis. Employees are stressed. They don’t need the responsibility of taking extra steps to serve customers who don’t want to play by the rules.
Customers need to take responsibility and cover their faces. Those who refuse should stay home and shop online.
From THE MORNING CALL, “Pennsylvania’s mask requirement has one big flaw,” by Paul Muschick
So are we to believe that people who can’t wear masks due to anxiety, panic attacks, asthma, and various triggers from being forcibly raped, gagged, choked, and beaten are being “catered to”? They’re too, in the words of Mr. Muschick, “lazy, stubborn or self-conscious to wear a mask”? This is exactly the kind of rhetoric that abuse survivors are hearing across the country.
A debate about the effectiveness of masks and how these policies are being implemented from state to state are probably best left for another post. What troubles me most, though, is that my brothers and sisters who are suffering with anxiety from abuse are being targeted and told that not wearing masks makes them selfish, reckless, dangerous, hateful, etc. I couldn’t disagree more, and it’s time someone speaks up to this kind of unnecessary and harmful rhetoric. “Just stay home” isn’t possible for essential workers, people who have bills to pay, and people who need to shop for food and can’t do so online.
I’m all for using common sense, social distancing, and working together to slow the spread of this horrific disease. My family and church have gladly followed the requirements and recommendations put out by our governor’s office. But we also must acknowledge that some of these policies are not thought through very well. These mandates are making some of our most vulnerable and valuable people targets of harassment. We need to exercise compassion towards those who cannot wear masks for various reasons and stop assuming that every person without one is a selfish dirt bag. Hurling insults at people for not wearing a mask in public defies common decency. Targeting and bullying people who may be suffering with chronic anxiety doesn’t make you any more of a decent person than the person not wearing a mask. Why are more people not calling out this kind of behavior? These attacks are not helpful. They’re not kind. They’re not compassionate. And it needs to stop.
I worry about people like Di who physically cannot wear a mask. I worry about people with panic and anxiety disorders who are terrified to walk out into public right now. I worry about abuse survivors who finally do venture out into public only to have their pictures taken without their knowledge then who are mocked and attacked by #Covidstupid tags on social media. I worry about people who don’t have the ability or luxury to do their shopping online for essential food items but will be refused or bullied at the grocery store for not wearing a mask. I worry about people who cannot wear masks but are considered essential workers. They will be forced to make a choice that could bring them to financial ruin. And I worry about abuse survivors who are too afraid to tell people why they cannot bring themselves to put a mask over their face.
As advocates, Christians, and neighbors, we need to consider that sometimes blanket policies will not work for everyone. Next time you go out in public you may see people without masks. That doesn’t mean those people who don’t (or can’t) wear masks aren’t concerned for the health of others. It doesn’t mean that they are “Trumpers” who are defying the law. It doesn’t mean they hope your grandma gets sick and dies. It doesn’t mean they hate the government. It doesn’t mean they are fundamentalist Christians who mock policies and defy “man’s authority.”
It could well be that people not wearing masks are struggling to survive themselves. It could be that it took every bit of their strength to go out in public, knowing that there will be people judging them harshly and insulting them for not wearing a mask. It could be that they’ve endured the most agonizing, horrific abuse imaginable. It could be that they have special needs and cannot stand the texture or feeling of a mask. Let’s be a bit kinder to our neighbors during this pandemic as we all try to figure out our new normal.
Photo by Dimitri Karastelev on Unsplash
This is a compassionate response to Di. I am a dental hygienist and also a survivor of severe abuse. Breathing has been an ongoing struggle for me. Recently, I have been able to make great strides in breathing with a correct diagnosis of
VCD, Vocal Chord Dysfunction. Info is available online. I also continue in therapy for continued emotional and mental healing.
In the 1990’s OSHA became heavy handed with protective guidelines for medical workers. I had to begin wearing a mask and gloves all day long. There was one mask that I was able to adapt to. It is the one you see surgeons wearing on TV shows. It has long ties that tie at the crown of the head and another set of ties that tie behind the neck. The mask allows for free movement of your entire head without touching tightly anywhere. Thus anxiety and triggers of suffocation are lessened. I just purchased a homemade cotton one for use now. Please let me know if you would like to try one, through a comment, and I will send it to Jimmy.
No one should be shamed or bullied regarding mask wearing and I am very sorry for the hardship this is causing you.
How about washable fabric masks
I would love for you to send one to Jimmy for me. Maybe if I have something looser it will help? For my professional job I don’t think I can “get away” with a scarf or bandanna, but I could try those in public. Thank you from the bottom of my grateful survivor’s heart.
ps. I will gladly pay for the mask and shipping. 💛
Thank you for your kindness about being willing to send a mask through Jimmy.
I in the middle of this crisis have wondered why I could not handle wearing a mask. It was not until this post that I reflected back on my abuse for many years and my aversion to them.
I have various health conditions due to the results of my abuse and the body being forced to hold in the trauma.
I need to for safety reasons wear a mask, because my immune system is highly compromised, Yet I struggle with it.
I am a seamstress and have been making masks for all sorts of facilities. Could you possibly send a picture of the mask and I can see if I can recreate it.
Thank you for the information of VCD.
What ideas do you have (if you wish to answer and have the time) for someone with severe abuse and trauma history, combined with having been subjected to abuse as a patient, who needs to go to the dentist but cannot bring themselves there? Can a patient be given laughing gas immediately? Can a patient show up drunk? Can a patient take a lot of xanax and be nearly immobile and the dentist will still get to work and do their thing? I used to trust dentists and doctors, but due to abuse and predation, I know better than to do that again. There are some really horrible people, both dentists and dental assistants alike, very willing to abuse and humiliate a helpless patient. Yet I need dental work done. I feel awash in dread merely thinking about it, like a cornered abused animal of prey.
Any thoughts? I don’t even know if I can use alcohol and/or xanax sufficiently enough to get me there. Not that I take either or abuse either, but I’m brainstorming here. What does a person do when white-knuckling it and sheer force of will doesn’t cut it?
Dang abuser healthcare professionals who prey on and abuse patients. They compound so many problems abused women already have and add to their long trauma histories Abuse is cumulative, as it trauma.
I think the problem with self-medicating is that it doesn’t take away the underlying trust issue and may still be traumatizing to visit the dentist/doctors. There’s still that underlying question of “what might have happened while I was under?” A better approach may be to take someone with you into the room whom you trust, who will hold your hand and vow to keep watch for you as you’re being worked on.
Having a trauma care partner to go with you to the dentist can help. I’ve done that several times with friends in a situation similar to yours.
Carol, thank you for your input it was very helpful. Where do you recommend buying those types of mask. I am wearing a mask everyday to work now since being furloughed and I am having severe panic attacks; I have a severe anxiety disorder and my attacks get so bad that I begin to hyperventilate.
Thank you again for your kindness and understanding for such,
Jess R.
I understand the aversion to wearing a mask. Here are a few alternatives I have seen.
Bandanas. Tie it against the bridge of your nose and it hangs loosely down. You can pretend you’re a bank robber and be amused while wearing it. (of course, I’m not saying robbing banks is good, and that’s why it’s funny, as it would never happen in real life that you’d be a bank robber)
Scarves, then tuck in your ends into your shirt so you don’t have to tie it and have that sensation, just wrap and tuck. If it becomes too loose and falls down, then oh well, you can blame it on the scarf. Using a scarf might remind you of being a child and spending the snow day out making snowmen out in the fresh snowfall. Using a winter scarf will allow you to wrap it as loosely as you wish, and people shouldn’t be paying too much attention to just how loose you have it.
Even taking a tea towel and tying it in a makeshift mask (which be snug against the middle of the nose and then hang loosely down). It may look tight, but there’s a lot of freedom there and with the edges freely hanging, the feeling of constriction isn’t there.
There are gaiters, where you can wear it down around your neck and then pull it up for a time to cover your mouth (if doing the nose, too, is too much). Makes you feel like you’re having an adventure or about to go to a dusty music festival in the desert.
And finally, there are hanging face masks designed to block sunlight, that drape very loosely across the face and affix to one’s baseball cap or sunhat. That gives the appearance of a mask and is very, very loose. Makes you feel like you’re about to go fly-fishing or something and you’re conscientious enough about sun damage to wear the sun blocking mask to deflect the rays.
I’ve thought about this dilemma because trauma and abuse does make one averse to having their mouths and faces touched, covered, etc.
I personally like the option of pretending to be a bank robber🙂
Thanks Jimmy. I appreciate the humor.
Lol! Without humor we’d be a hot mess!
Those are wonderful ideas! I, like Jimmy, love the bank robber idea! For my job it would need to be more professional looking though, but if I need to wear one shopping I can. So far, in my state, masks are completely voluntary for going into grocery stores. Also the governor said our curve flatten out 3 weeks ago and the cases have been steadily declining. May soon I see people’s faces again. And not looked upon with judgement for not wearing one….
As someone with anxiety due to trauma, I really enjoy your suggestions about pretend. Not gonna lie, in the early days of PTSD, I survived by playing a lot of make believe.
Nothing wrong with doing what you must to survive!
Thank you for this kind response. It’s nice to see neighbors reaching out to neighbors.
I understand some people are abuse survivors because I to am a survivor. However, I am also extremely high risk and I don’t want to die because someone doesn’t want to wear a mask. If they find a mask to difficult, wear a face shield. Everyone is having difficulty, they aren’t comfortable, they are hot and breathing is more difficult. None of us like them. But they save lives and to say some people should be excused because it is uncomfortable isn’t fair to the rest of us. I don’t want to die because you think you shouldn’t have to wear one. I wear mine so I don’t kill you by spreading this. Please have the same consideration.
There’s also the possibility that the person has already had the virus, and healed, and do not need to wear a mask to protect themselves, nor anyone else.
It is unknown whether people recover and have immunity. There are those who have been infected, recovered, and then shortly afterwards, were infected again. They don’t know if it is due to testing problems or if immunity is short-lived or what. So, don’t forgo wearing masks, even if you recovered. You could become infected again and then be spreading it without knowing. Tests only reflect a moment in time, and they are subject to error, too.
There is definitely still a lot that is unknown at this time.
One thing that I have been taught over and over is that no one’s mental health matters. Only the infinitesimal chance that you get this disease and die from it. Those of us with depression that are slowly losing it from being kept away from people are important, not are those despondent over a business failure. I wonder if the suicide rate has gone up. I have heard that phone help centers are very busy. But that doesn’t matter. I have lost friends for saying this.
I wonder the same thing. Flashing a suicide hotline number is not the same as having resources readily available for people suffering with depression. These are very trying times for so, so many people.
There was a thing on social media or perhaps it was a Public Service Announcement. Anyhow, it had mousetrap after mousetrap all lined up and ready to spring. They released one ping pong ball and it sprung one mousetrap which invariably sprung other mousetraps, that also then went on to spring other mousetraps.
In the second example, as a physical distancing model, there were spaces in between the mousetraps. A table tennis ball was released and it hit 3 or 4 times and hit the spaces in between the mousetraps. Nothing sprung. No cascade of springing mouse traps.
If the lockdowns seem overboard, then it’s working. It’s doing as intended and controlling the outbreak, limiting transmission, and flattening the curve.
What the government should do is protect it’s small businesses more. Same goes for rent control measures. The federal government gave huge bailouts to the banking industry and Wall Street back in 2008. The government has again given huge amounts of money to large businesses again this time. A $1,200 check per individual is the extent of their helping the ‘little guy’.
Other countries’ governments have acted differently. The federal government could rule that no evictions, no rent, and no mortgage payments for the next three months. They could send out more than $1,200 a person. They could legislate very different approaches than they have. But there is no political motive to helping the ‘little guy’ or caring about small businesses. The government is corporate money. And money controls. Money controls. Lobbying and the like is legalized bribery. Unless the mass of people in the USA lead a collective revolt (on a larger scale, when the COVID-19 crisis is over, and be nationwide organized and strategic) against corporate power and industry interests, the ‘little guy’ and small businesses will be stomped on all the more and squeezed further, slave wages will continue and the like.
The government is allowing major corporate interests to do a power grab here again via this very real pandemic crisis. Just like the 9/11 crisis was very real, sinister interests will use moments of crisis and instability to further their control. The Patriot Act allowed the government to spy on us all. This COVID-19 crisis has its own bad actors and corporate pork. Same with the 2008 financial crisis. Who got bailed out and helped? Corporate interests.
Thankfully we have the internet. And we have phone lines. But that’s about it. The real financial effects should be seen with anger towards the powers that be, not for issuing stay-at-home orders, but for not funding or legislating things so people (the ‘little guys’ for lack of a better phrase) could weather it. The stay-at-home orders are good. The lack of legislative protection for the ‘little guys’ is bad and negligent-as-usual.
And so long as so much of the USA is kept fairly poor, living paycheck-to-paycheck, earning slave wages (again, not the best term, but I can’t think the best right now), there will be no unifying the masses enough to force change. Where are the unions? Practically a complete relic of the past. How is it we have billionaires? Billionaires in and of themselves are deeply immoral and unethical. There is no need to be a billionaire or to allow billionaires to exist. We’ve had a tax code, way, way, back where past a certain super elite income level, the tax rate steeply rose to nearly 100%. It would incentivize people like Jeff Bezos to not exploit its workers so much if Bezos and Amazon’s upper management would be taxed at nearly 100% past $500,000 (or so, for example). One CEO chose to pay all his staff a minimum of a $70,000 salary (even the lowest hourly worker suddenly was making a $70,000 salary) and did it by paying himself less.
I’m thinking about you, Ann. It may feel like you are alone, but I’m thinking about you today. And you’re right, the lower masses’ mental health matters little to the powers that be. You speak truth. And people don’t want to admit it, but it’s true. I’m so glad you shared such. Politicians and all sorts of people tote the suicide hotline, but the real drivers (such as lack of affordable housing, slave wages, lax worker rights, cost prohibitive healthcare, etc.) are not discussed, mentioned, or cared about, but rather it’s all ‘mental health’ and whatnot, as though despair and severe depression comes about in a vacuum, which it almost invariably does not.
But I’m thinking of you, Ann. Glad you posted your comment. Glad you exist. And now is the perfect time to rally for change. Not to protest against the stay-at-home orders, but to organize protests (phone call protests if need be) over the corporate controlled government’s negligence and failure of its ‘little guys’ (which is a majority of its population) to serve its corporate masters.
The thing that concerns me the most in all of this is that funding wasn’t made available to agencies that are on the front lines fighting abuse. Major pockets of social workers are crying out that reports of abuse have plummeted and the number of very severe cases, including death from violence, is increasing by very large percentages. There are so many injustices that are being done.
Indeed. Good point. And the same goes for battered women’s shelters. They are operating at 100 percent nearly all of the time as it is. Being stuck in a home with a wife-beater or a child abuser is bad at any time but with the pandemic, there is no escape; Shelters are full. So many operate with donations covering much of their day-to-day needs.
How is anyone going to report if there is nowhere to go? And abuse escalates. If our society, and especially the government, cared enough about abuse victims, there’d be more shelters, with more funding, but as it stands there are more spots available for stray cats/dogs than there are beds available for women and children escaping abuse. VAWA isn’t automatically renewed. It goes up on the chopping block and has to be talked back into continuing.
Abusers are opportunists. I’m sure the pandemic is a great opportunity for them to exert even more control and abuse with even greater impunity.
I totally agree.
“A year’s worth of suicide attempts in the last four weeks” in California. So yeah. 🙁
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/e2-80-98a-year-e2-80-99s-worth-of-suicide-attempts-in-the-last-four-weeks-e2-80-99-california-doctor-calls-for-end-to-lockdown/ar-BB14sPHh