Do abusers really feel remorse when confronted? A few years ago I listened as a group of church leaders described what one of their church members did to multiple young children. It was graphic. Really graphic. They were rightfully angry and reported the abuse immediately to the police. The abuser was aware that his crimes were reported. The leaders were adamant that they meet with him to tell him he was no longer welcome at the church.
They asked what they should expect when they met with him. By now I can write the script for how abusers respond in my sleep. “It was a long time ago. The child wanted it and I tried to resist. That’s not at all what happened; this is all a big misunderstanding.” I’ve heard every excuse in the book and pretty much know how an abusers respond. And it’s not with remorse.
I prepped the leaders and warned them again that abusers are extremely charismatic. Abusers talk a good talk and are great with words. They have to be. That’s why they rarely get caught. I met again with the leaders to follow up. It was astounding how quickly their anger from a few days ago had now turned to compassion–for the abuser.
They fell into every trap that I warned them was coming. The problem is that they gave the abuser a chance to defend himself. Abusers expect to be confronted. Believe it or not, they welcome it. They rehearse their responses and think of every angle. My dad once told me, “If you think you’ll be able to tell when we are lying you’re only fooling yourself. We can look you in the eye and tell you anything and get you to believe it. Lying is what we do.”
I don’t know what ever happened at that particular church. I do know that the leaders were considering letting the abuser continue to worship at the same church he produced victims at, against my recommendation. They were sympathetic and did not consider the victims. It’s a story that I could tell 1,000 times. I can’t understand why leaders constantly buckle and cater to abusers. Even when there are undeniable facts, abusers are still treated well in most churches.
Conculsion
In my 13 years of working with dozens of churches and hundreds of survivors, I have yet to see or hear of an abuser who is remorseful. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen, but it is exceptionally rare. This alone ought to give churches reservations in being so quick to embrace abusers.
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