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February 9, 2024February 9, 2024

Abusers do their homework and so should you

unrecognizable black man in mask of anonymous in city

Abusers do their homework and so should you. I have yet to meet a “dumb” abuser. Abusers rarely get caught and, even if they are suspected of abuse, they become emboldened to abuse more. As Peter describes them, they are “like irrational animals, creatures of instinct” and “they count it pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you” (2 Peter 2:12, 13 ESV).

I have neither met or heard of a child abuser who does the one thing that an abuser should do after getting caught–actually stay away from children. In fact, I receive requests for consultations from people whose churches welcome abusers with open arms. It’s no surprise that churches have an overpopulation of abusers in the church. Baptist Accountability lists hundreds of child offenders, most of whom are either still preaching or are active members of a church.

They always magically wind up at church

It’s no accident that abusers wind up at churches, ~~even~~ especially after they are caught. My dad’s own description of church volunteers who visit his prison is telling: “They’re so stupid and gullible.” Abusers know how to fool people. They’ve done it their entire lives. Child predators are both intuitive and knowledgeable. Abusers do their homework and so should you. They know who the gullible people are, who to target, and they will strike again. This interview with Dr. Michael Bourke is very good. Dr. Bourke talks about why recidivism is so low for child sexual abusers and how common it is for them to actually reoffend.

Trust your gut

Just this week I was contacted by someone I know but haven’t spoken to in years. The request was simple enough but it didn’t sit right with me. My gut told me to ignore the message. I’m glad I did. A few days later I got an anonymous call about this person. He was jailed two days after contacting me. When I did a quick online search I found a long history of felony charges of abuse of minors.

When I made a couple of phone calls it appeared he attempted to use me to flee the country. I had no idea there was a history of abuse, let alone any arrests. But my intuition told me to hesitate. When something doesn’t look or sound right we need to do our homework.

Don’t be lazy

Too many churches take the lazy route. They implement an open door policy and never look into people. Even when they know someone is a convicted sexual abuser they go out of their way to not research the person’s history. It’s not that difficult to look someone up. As part of a course, I teach people how to search for offenders for free. Believe me when I say abusers know everything there is to know about the people at their church. They chose your church for a reason.

Do your homework. Know who you are talking to and who interacts with your kids. Abusers do their homework and so should you.

It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to support this blog, you can offer tips via the coffee logo. Or if you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!

January 23, 2024January 23, 2024

Do abusers feel remorse when confronted?

Do abusers really feel remorse when confronted? A few years ago I listened as a group of church leaders described what one of their church members did to multiple young children. It was graphic. Really graphic. They were rightfully angry and reported the abuse immediately to the police. The abuser was aware that his crimes were reported. The leaders were adamant that they meet with him to tell him he was no longer welcome at the church.

They asked what they should expect when they met with him. By now I can write the script for how abusers respond in my sleep. “It was a long time ago. The child wanted it and I tried to resist. That’s not at all what happened; this is all a big misunderstanding.” I’ve heard every excuse in the book and pretty much know how an abusers respond. And it’s not with remorse.

I prepped the leaders and warned them again that abusers are extremely charismatic. Abusers talk a good talk and are great with words. They have to be. That’s why they rarely get caught. I met again with the leaders to follow up. It was astounding how quickly their anger from a few days ago had now turned to compassion–for the abuser.

They fell into every trap that I warned them was coming. The problem is that they gave the abuser a chance to defend himself. Abusers expect to be confronted. Believe it or not, they welcome it. They rehearse their responses and think of every angle. My dad once told me, “If you think you’ll be able to tell when we are lying you’re only fooling yourself. We can look you in the eye and tell you anything and get you to believe it. Lying is what we do.”

I don’t know what ever happened at that particular church. I do know that the leaders were considering letting the abuser continue to worship at the same church he produced victims at, against my recommendation. They were sympathetic and did not consider the victims. It’s a story that I could tell 1,000 times. I can’t understand why leaders constantly buckle and cater to abusers. Even when there are undeniable facts, abusers are still treated well in most churches.

Conculsion

In my 13 years of working with dozens of churches and hundreds of survivors, I have yet to see or hear of an abuser who is remorseful. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen, but it is exceptionally rare. This alone ought to give churches reservations in being so quick to embrace abusers.

It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!

August 23, 2023August 23, 2023

Child Protection Strategies Course

I have great news if you’re looking for stronger child protection strategies! Mom and I have worked tirelessly over the years, shedding many tears and brainstorming the best ways to keep our children safe. We recorded eight one hour videos that are extremely practical for understanding abusers’ specific techniques. This gives you an understanding for how abusers select, get access to, and abuse their victims.

Human nature is to get hung up on why abusers abuse victims. But this does nothing to prevent abuse. Whether we like it or not, preventing abuse effectively means that we have to learn the mechanics of how abusers think about their victims and us. WAY too many churches are assuming. Even when they know abusers are guilty they still roll the welcome mat out and invite predators right back into the very place they produced victims in the first place. We have courses that specifically address this kind of reckless policy and we teach churches how to be proactive in protecting children. Here are a few reasons why this course might be right for you:

AFFORDABILITY–Most online courses are, on average, thousands of dollars. Once you click a link you are committed to a course that is extremely expensive and often you don’t have access to the content until the full course is purchased. We decided that getting this into the hands of as many people as possible wouldn’t happen if the course wasn’t affordable for the average person. I’ve personally bought courses as expensive as $5,000. This works for certain niches but not for abuse prevention.
INDIVIDUALIZED VIDEOS–Each video is only $20. Some people may not need all of the content. That’s OK! You can purchase one, some, or all. It’s totally up to you!
GREAT FOR ORGANIZATIONS AND INDIVIDUALS–These videos were specifically designed to be used individually OR for organizations. Organizations can purchase videos and project them in a group setting. There is no extra fee no matter the size of the organization. Again, we want as many people to get access as possible.
PERMANENT ACCESS–Once you purchase a video, it is yours forever! Some people do a rental service, meaning you only get access for a designated period of time. We want people to be able to view the videos forever. Once you get the videos, they are yours forever!
PRACTICAL–We teach tools that will equip you to protect kids immediately. Most trainings are heavy on the side of reporting and lean on the side of prevention. If you are making a report most likely abuse already occurred. None of us should be OK with that. Training should be simple, to the point, and practical.

March 22, 2023

The Beauty of Helping Others

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Too long, really. To be honest, last year was one of the most difficult that our family has ever faced and writing took a major back seat. My oldest sister Michelle was admitted to the hospital in February just over a year ago. Within 24 hours she was on a ventilator fighting for her life with severe pancreatitis. She would spend seven months in the hospital with half of that spent in the ICU. At one point all the family flew in to say our final goodbyes. But a miracle happened and she began fighting like she’s never fought before. She’s now home and is improving a lot!

We made countless trips to the hospital throughout last year and pretty much everything was put on hold. I say pretty much because in the midst of our suffering, life still went on. Things happened. Things still broke. People still died. Others still got married. And the world still continues to spin. This is also the reality for a good friend of mine named Julien who preaches in a small town in Haiti. Last year, while attending his brother’s funeral, his only car was set on fire by protesters and was destroyed. The well at Julien’s church that serves hundreds of people each day broke. I received a desperate message that they had no water and needed the well fixed. Within 24 hours people from all over helped and we were able to send enough money for repairs to be made.

Then the well broke again. We were able to help fix it a second time last year and it is working great to this day! In the middle of all the chaos, Julien was left without transportation. Here in the US that’s not a huge problem because we can always hitch a ride, ride a bike, grab an Uber, or take public transportation. But in Haiti it’s different. Money is scarce. Preachers there have high expectations to deliver food and medicine to starving and sick people. This is a daily reality. I know because I’ve spent days with Julien as we took care of dying people. That’s the norm there. And Julien does it without complaining. Ever. In fact, he considers it an honor to be able to help people who are worse off than he and his family.

Recently he told me he is completely without transportation. Because of the gas shortage and instability in Haiti, cars are not a good mode of transportation. Motorcycles are more common and practical. My mom and I have a deeply personal connection to Julien and the town where he lives. I urge you to listen to the story below:

We’ve already raised 12% of our goal through the generosity of our listeners! We would be honored if you joined us in helping our good friend Julien get a motorcycle so he can deliver life saving medicine and food. He always sends updates and photos when we help, so I will be writing a follow up story. Let’s help this selfless man be able to take care of his community again! THANK YOU!!

I’m raising $3,000 until 4/12/23 for Help Buy a Haitian Friend a Motorcycle. Can you help? https://www.paypal.com/pools/c/8Sn4Wq7sx6

November 12, 2021

It’s been 10 years since reporting my dad and the reality of losing so much is hitting hard

Last night my eight year old son brought up my father whom he’s never met. In July of 2011, after my youngest sister Alex disclosed that she was sexually abused as a child by our dad, Mom and I reported him to the police. Not a day has passed that I don’t think about that day. Nearly a year after we reported, he received a 30-60 year prison sentence for sex crimes against multiple children. You can hear Alex tell her story here:

I don’t know what prompted my son to ask questions about my dad–his grandfather. He may only be eight, but he is a very deep thinker. “What was it like to report your own dad and send him to prison?” To be honest, the question caught me off guard. I wrote a whole memoire this year about our family’s journey but I never really thought about having to explain reporting my dad to my eight year old son. He knows that I loved and adored my dad growing up. He also knows that my dad harmed many little children.

My son is a spitting image of me when I was his age. He wears his emotions on his sleeve, just like me (yes, I cried during Bambi as a kid and I’m OK with that!). He is kind and curious, always asking deep questions about life and always (quite literally) wanting to know how he can change the world for good. I answered him honestly: “It was terrible. I hated it. I lost my dad the second I walked into the police station. He will die in prison and I think about it all the time. But I would do it again and again the minute I heard he was hurting children.”

Without hesitation, my son came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Dad, I love you with all of my heart. But if I knew you were hurting children I would report you to the police too. It would be sad to lose my dad but it would be sadder to not do anything if I knew kids were being hurt and I didn’t stop it.” Wow! His answer welled up out of his heart. He meant every word that he said. He said it with conviction and authority. I often walk away from training churches and wonder whether, if push came to shove, adults would actually make a report. Statistics show that reporting is rare. Cover ups are overwhelmingly more common than reports of abuse.

The first thing that struck me is that, if an eight year old gets it, what in the world is the excuse for all these adults who intentionally turn a blind eye to abuse. An eight year old admits he would be more willing to turn in his own father than to allow peers to be abused. It still blows my mind that adults can be so hardened that they would allow a child rapist to keep abusing child after child. This is not love. It’s certainly not grace. And it’s definitely criminal.

The second thing that struck me is that the reality of how much my family has lost is finally starting to hit hard. It’s not that I was ever in denial. But I think part of my coping with the layers of trauma was to immediately enter into other people’s trauma. As most advocates do, I immersed myself in hearing, understanding, and experiencing the pain of others as they tell their stories. Every story I hear reinforces the fact that we all have lost so much. Every victim, ever family member of an abuser–we all have lost so, so much.

The losses are too many to count–Loss of a father, loss of my brother who died unexpectedly, loss of the way our family used to be, loss of close friends, loss of my children only knowing their grandfather as a felon, loss of a church that once was full of laughter and joy, and on I could go. Abuse strips so much from so many innocent people. The ripple effects are never ending. It’s been ten years and I feel as weak as I did the day I was sitting in that police station. Perhaps this is why adults fail to report. Maybe for them the cost of losing so much isn’t worth it to them. Maybe they’d rather innocent children take on the pain rather than dealing with the inevitable losses that come with reporting.

But for me, the gains far outweigh the losses. When I realized that my son truly gets it–that he will be a warrior for the innocent–my heart was full again. To gain an ally in the dark world of advocacy is a gain that’s immeasurable. For all you protectors out there. . . keep fighting for justice. Keep exposing the deeds of darkness. Evil will not win!

March 5, 2020March 5, 2020

Heroes really don’t wear capes!

Several weeks ago I was having breakfast in a crowded restaurant with two of my church members, who happen to be best friends of mine. Thursday men’s breakfast is a tradition that we’ve been doing for years. We’d just started eating when I looked at my friend Dave, who wasn’t breathing. I asked if he was OK. He shook his head no and stood up. Though not trained in the Heimlich maneuver, I started working on him anyway. I instructed someone to call 911 and asked if any doctors or nurses were in the restaurant. Nothing.

Ironically, I knew for sure that there was one nurse in the room, and he happened to be the one who was dying in my arms. Dave had recently retired as an ER nurse, just six weeks before our breakfast. I desperately continued to work on Dave, who towers over my 6 foot frame. He’s a big guy, and it took a lot of power to try to force the lodged food out of him. I was losing the battle, and I could feel Dave start to fade. He was slowly going down and I was getting exhausted. About sixty seconds had passed since I first noticed that he couldn’t breathe, and I was terrified that one of my very best friends would die in my arms that day. It would be several more minutes until the ambulance would arrive, and every second counted.

Just as Dave was going down, I looked up and our hostess, Hannah, was standing beside me. We never exchanged a single word, but we locked eyes for a second and I knew that she was offering to take over. I stepped aside and she began working on Dave. About ten seconds later, Dave took a deep breath. Hannah remained incredibly calm and offered Dave a glass of water. Hannah saved Dave’s life that day. She told us that she was a nurse’s assistant and was trained in CPR. Her training kicked in and she saved a life that day. It was the first time she ever performed the Heimlich. Dave told me later that the vast majority of people trained in the maneuver will never have to use it.

breakfast boys — Dave and Mike having a good laugh outside of the Corner Coffee Shoppe after Hannah saved Dave

This morning the same three of us had breakfast at the same diner, where we were greeted by Hannah. We thanked her again for saving Dave a few weeks ago. She asked if we’d seen the local news report from about a week ago. We hadn’t. It turns out that another customer choked at the same restaurant and went into cardiac arrest. Hannah jumped into action once again and performed CPR on the woman until the paramedics showed up to take over. The paramedics were able to revive the woman, thanks to Hannah keeping her heart pumping until the ambulance showed up. Here is the local news story, where Hannah’s rescue of Dave was caught on camera.

We were blown away to find out that the same person who saved my friend Dave saved another choking victim just weeks later!

Hannah truly is a hero, and a humble one too. Good training, professionalism, and a willingness to step in when needed is what saved two lives by the same person, just a few weeks apart. I routinely train churches, police departments, schools, and the military to safeguard against child sexual abuse. But I wasn’t trained in the Heimlich maneuver and it could have easily cost my friend’s life. It’s a harsh reminder that training, and not just good intentions, is what saves people.

Within two weeks after Hannah saved Dave, I became CPR certified. We should never delay training, even if we think we will never need it. Words can’t express how thankful we all are for Hannah, who quietly saved two lives. I thank God that someone with proper training was in the restaurant that day to do what nobody else in the room was trained to do. Heroes really don’t wear capes.

Photo by Esteban Lopez on Unsplash