Sixty seconds–the number of seconds it takes someone to drown. There have been several stories in the past few days of people who lost their lives when caught in a rip current. I’m a beach lover and have been caught in a handful of rip currents myself, so naturally this has my attention. I am not a person who panics, fortunately, because panic is the main killer in rips. When people panic, they lose the ability to think. Fear sets in as they are pulled away from the beach and they attempt to swim against the current, which exhausts them to the point that they can no longer stay afloat. Rip currents are on every beach, and have been since the beginning of time. So why, in 2019, are there still so many people–some avid swimmers–who don’t know how to successfully survive a rip? The reason this particular subject has my attention is that there are so many parallels to abusers. Abusers are really not that difficult to identify. But misinformation, myths, and lack of education enable people to be caught by surprise over and over and over again.
University of New South Wales, Sydney, Australia, did a recent documentary called Rip Current Heroes. I highly recommend watching it for two reasons. First, it will help you understand what rip currents are, how to spot them, and how to survive them. Second, it is helpful to draw parallels for what we need to do to better spot and avoid abusers. In the documentary, they say that the number one thing that we can do to survive rip currents is to properly identify and avoid them. This is the training that I do with abuse. Paul’s three words in 2 Timothy 3:5 regarding abusive individuals–“Avoid such people”–are, unfortunately, viewed as “unChristian.” I prefer prevention over recovery. I’d rather teach people how to spot problematic people so they can avoid them rather than recover victims who were horrifically abused. More on that later.
The vast majority of people have not been educated on how to spot rip currents, so they unknowingly find themselves being swept out to sea at a rate of up to 5mph. Rips blend in really well and it takes a trained eye to know how to spot them. In fact, many people prefer to migrate to the calm patch of water to avoid the breaking waves that surround them. The irony is that, this inviting calm patch of water are most likely strong rip currents that sweep unsuspecting people out to sea. The average person will not be able to identify a rip current until he or she has been properly trained to do so.
Coastal geomorphologist Dr. Rob Brander has been dubbed Dr. Rip. He has been studying rip currents for over a decade. He’s a stickler for terminology because wrong terminology contributes to myths about rip currents. Dr. Brander begins with what rip currents are not. He says, “Rip currents are not under toe. They won’t pull you under, because there’s no such thing as an under toe. They’re not a rip tide, because they are not a tide. They are a current. And they won’t take you to New Zealand” (meaning the currents only go out so far then they stop). He then offers tips for how to successfully survive a rip current. I won’t rehash those in this post, but if interested, see the short video below. One important thing I will note–this training video is less than 5 minutes. And that’s all the longer it has to be. Though there are many types of rip currents and they are incredibly complex, training people how to spot them should not require them to be rocket scientists.
In my 8 years of studying abusers up close, here are some common myths I want to shatter:
- Myth #1-Abusers primarily groom their victims–I wrote a post on this recently. Terminology is important. They primarily test their victims, including bystanders. They rarely groom them.
- Myth #2-Simply having two people present keeps kids safe–Abusers are perfectionists when it comes to abuse in plain sight. Having two adults near a child will not keep them any safer than having two or ten people swimming together will keep them safe. Entire families have been swept up by rip currents just as entire communities are deceived by abusers. The key is knowing how to identify abusers, not merely putting more people in close proximity to children.
- Myth #3-Increased visibility (windows, open spaces) reduces abuse–When I do facility walk-throughs I like to walk into rooms with windows in the door to demonstrate how quickly I can disappear. People are always shocked to see how fast it happens. Almost every room has major blind spots. Furthermore, abusers use techniques to intentionally abuse in front of us anyway. Beaches have about the highest visibility of any open area I know. Yet every day people are swept away by rip currents. Increased visibility doesn’t reduce abuse. Knowing how to identify and avoid abusers does.
- Myth #4-We have trained people at my organization so kids are safe–Many incredibly proficient swimmers drown due to rip currents. Being a great swimmer won’t keep them safe if they don’t know how rip currents work, how to identify them, and how to get out of them. Proper training is needed. Very few people are trained on how to properly identify problematic people.
- Myth #5-Learning “red flags” will help me identify abusers quickly–This is doubtful. Again, terminology is important. I prefer the term “tells” of an abuser, not red flags. We should be looking for tells first, red flags second.
So what are tells and how do we see them? The verb form of tell is to inform, express, give information to, or find out by observation (I can tell that this is made of wood). Miriam-Webster defines the noun form this way: a revealing gesture, expression, etc. that is linked to a poker player’s tell. . . broadly: sign, indication. Like different types of rip currents, sexual abusers also have certain tells.
Abusers always have tells. If we know how to observe and assess, we are far more likely to spot problematic people quickly and then we can respond accordingly. Here are some of those tells:
- The eyes tell a lot–In another recent post, I suggested that people who bring children to the doctor watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order. This applies to everywhere, not just the doctor’s office. All women know what it feels like to have perverted men gawk at them and undress them with their eyes. There is no mistaking that look. Abusers don’t glance at their prey. They become mesmerized. I’ve observed sexual predators who get tunnel vision when eyeing their prey. It’s as if the rest of the world temporarily melts away and the only thing they can see is the child in front of them. Whether it’s a 2 year old child or a 15 year old girl, abusers have the same creepy stare. They cannot help themselves. Always watch they eyes and how people are looking at others.
- The hands tell a lot–Sexual abuse cannot happen without hands and fingers. **Edit–a reader rightly pointed out that voyeurism is a horrific form of sexual abuse and doesn’t involved physical contact. This is very true and I want to acknowledge this form of abuse that leaves victims incredibly traumatized.** Abusers don’t always abuse in plain sight, but they are blatantly “handsy” in public. Watch for people who just can’t help themselves. They will cross physical boundaries that stretch beyond the norm. Watch for rubbing, caressing, roaming hands, fingers that sweep across intimate body parts, even if for a split second. This is not normal or acceptable. Also watch the person receiving the touch. Tense shoulders, confused looks, squirming, etc. are all signs that the person is uncomfortable and is too paralyzed or fearful to say anything.
- The words tell a lot–I know of no abuser who hasn’t made very strange, inappropriate comments within earshot of others. Make no mistake, these comments are intentional. This is part of the testing process. Most bystanders don’t even realize that course joking, talking about sexual attraction, or how children are “starting to bud” is happening. Abusers pepper inappropriate comments into the conversation to see how far they can push boundaries. Even when bystanders hear it, they are so caught off guard that they don’t intervene. Also, conversations are “all about the kids.” Kids this, kids that, kids, kids, kids. Think obsession. There’s a difference between a mention and an obsession.
- The gait is slower and head is downward–Skilled abusers are patient. Their gait (the way they walk) reflects that. Watch for people who aren’t in as much of a hurry, who are observant, and who walk with eyes cast downward. A sex offender once told me that all pedophiles, as they walk, keep looking down near their feet. He said, “I don’t know why this is so, but we cannot look straight ahead for more than a few seconds like most of you can.” I have theories on this, but my theories are not the point of this post. The point is that I’ve witnessed this as well with every person I’ve suspected may be an abuser.
- Information mining–The most common and dangerous question is, “Tell me about yourself.” Abusers are always mining information. Always. They accumulate information by simply asking us to talk about ourselves. Humans, generally, associate this with someone being interested in us. When this question is asked, we volunteer all kinds of information about our job, our church, our children, and on the list goes. As a friend told me today, “You become the hostess giving them a complete menu rundown. Facebook is a menu. Your conversation is a menu. And they become so interested in you and your family that you forget to ask them anything about theirs.”
- Covert aggressive–Abusers are incredibly covert aggressive. Before you know it, you have become an accomplice to their plan while they come off as being kindhearted, benevolent, and deeply spiritual. They know when to turn the aggression up and when to dial it back. Abusers always seem to violate boundaries but “don’t know what you’re talking about” if they are ever confronted. Even if a person is hesitant to fulfill a request, the abuser will make that person feel bad for not agreeing then appears to be a saint to everyone else. For example, a parent will be shamed for not wanting their kid to spend alone time with the person. Those parents end up allowing it and the community sees the abuser as a saint who “just adores kids.” An observant person can usually tell very quickly if someone is being covert aggressive towards others. **edit–Originally, I used the term passive aggressive. A reader correctly pointed out that covert aggressive is a more accurate term. I agree.**
I’ve heard people talk about ending abuse, screening abusers out, making abusers scared, and on. I disagree with all of these and think our methodology is weak. Like rip currents, abusers have been around since the beginning of time and they aren’t going anywhere. Survivors of abuse know full well that abusers don’t walk away with their tails between their legs. They are not humble. They do not stop. The best use of our time, energy, and resources needs to be on spotting dangerous people quickly and avoiding them.
In addition to this, we need to train people for what to do when they identify dangerous people. We need to shatter the myths and stop fearing abusers. We need to let abusers know that we see them. We need to stop waiting until a reportable incident happens until we act. Our police departments and advocacy organizations are completely overwhelmed. They need our help. Children need us to intervene before an adult or peer has a chance to abuse them. We should be creating safe zones by warning people about people who are not safe. This includes dangerous registered sex offenders who are in our churches. If we know that they have a history of abusing children, it makes no sense why we fail to inform others. Until this happens, we have our work cut out for us.
Photo by Patryk Sobczak on Unsplash
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Jimmy, thank you for this post. It is excellent. Your sentence about shattering myths and not fearing abusers is powerful. Doing so takes their power away. It demystifies who they are.
I think you are right about watching people’s hands. It immediately catches my eye and concerns me. Unfortunately, you can be sexually abused without hands ever touching. I know, my father who is many things including a voyeur stalked me in his home for five years- being watched when bathing, dressing, everything. To him it was a game of power. Holes in doors, ceilings-pulling his car down the road so I would think he was gone and then slipping back in to watch me. So much I could say. But it ravaged my nervous system.
Right–that was my intention. Remove the myths, the fear, and let abusers know that they don’t have that power anymore. And you are correct about voyeurism. It’s incredibly traumatizing and is fairly common. I will make an edit in the post, because I think this really needs to be acknowledged for those who have lost so much due to abuse via technology. Thank you for pointing this out. I’m so sorry that you were abused in this horrible way.
Thank you for sharing about voyeurism. I had never heard of it until now. I had to look it up to see what it meant, and it made me sick to my stomach.
And words fail me to express how sorry I am to you (and for the other commentator) for experiencing that horror.
Thank you for including voyeurism. My father didn’t touch me until I was an adult, but the voyeurism went on throughout my teens and 20’s. I didn’t label it as sexual abuse because he didn’t touch me, but it has definitely traumatized me.
Yes, it’s definitely traumatizing and needed to be mentioned. And you’re welcome!
Hi Jimmy, this is a great post. May I just make one suggestion? You used the term ‘passive aggressive’. I suggest you amend that to ‘covert aggressive’.
The reason I suggest that is explained by Dr George Simon Jr. In his book “Character Disturbance”, he talks about passive aggression and distinguishes it from covert aggression. On pp. 74-5 he says:
“Passive-aggression is an often misunderstood and mislabeled personality type. The official psychiatric manual doesn’t even recognize this as a personality pattern any more. . . . Unfortunately, clinicians and lay people alike erroneously use the term passive-aggressive when they’re trying to describe deliberate (active) but subtle underhanded and covert attempts to dominate, exploit, manipulate and control.”
And on page 211 he says:
“Most of the time I hear people use the term ‘passive-aggressive’ or ‘passive aggression’ what they really mean is ‘covert aggression.’ The term ‘passive-aggressive’ is used incorrectly to describe the subtle, hard to detect, but yet deliberate, calculating and underhanded tactics that manipulators and other disturbed characters use to intimidate, control, deceive and abuse others. That’s what covert aggression is all about. Although this kind of aggression is often subtle or concealed, there’s absolutely nothing ‘passive’ about it. It’s very active, albeit veiled aggression.”
You can read more about this here—
https://cryingoutforjustice.blog/2013/01/30/covert-aggression-is-not-the-same-as-passive-aggression/
I will check out the post. Thank you, Barbara!
Thanks Jimmy!
I shared this post on my FB account and a seminary professor who follows me noticed it. He told me last Sunday that he thought it was a very good article.
He also said that the word ‘tell’ is used in deer hunting — referring to the droppings of the deer. The hunters can tell a deer has been in the area if they see its droppings. Rather a vivid metaphor for serial pedophiles, eh?
That’s a great point about the deer. I was never a hunter but live in hunting territory. Hunters talk about droppings a lot but I’ve never heard it referred to as a tell. It’s definitely appropriate and fitting, though! And it’s a vivid metaphor, for sure.
Barb I loved your comment about using “covert” instead of “passive” aggression. Your word made a LOT more sense to me and truly fit the bill much more so.
This week’s podcast on YouTube was SUPER quiet. Don’t know if you know this or not.
So glad your blog and YouTube channel exists!
P.S. No need to post this as a reply, I just wanted to let you know how quiet your audio has become.
🙂
Yes, we’re aware. Podcasting is incredibly complex and we are working bugs out as we transition. Thank you for your patience!
I very much agree with the eyes. I agree with all of them, but the eye piece is pretty accurate in my opinion. And the myths 2 and 3 I really get it. It doesn’t matter if you’re in Public place with many people if the abuser wants it they WILL find a way. Verbal is also a big part of it which seems to be overlooked because people think they can spot it much easier, however that’s not always the case. For example, the abuser can have a “normal” conversation with someone all the while knowing that their victim(someone else) is receiving the same words in a completely different and hurtful way.
It’s good to hear this feedback! Thank you.
“Abusers are really not that difficult to identify.” My first thought was: Really? Are you sure?
Then I thought about it. I grew up in an area that used to be prone to tornadoes. A tornado watch was serious because it often predicted a fierce storm. Funnel clouds (from which a tornado descends from) may or may not develop. We were watching, however, to see what happened. And preparing ourselves.
A tornado warning scared the dickens out of me. It meant that a tornado HAD been spotted. And a very fierce storm was pretty much guaranteed even if the tornado did not head our way.
Tornadoes can be predicated, but they can be unpredictable. They might come your way, or they might not. But you had to be prepared no matter what.
The dumbest thing we could have done is assume that nothing like that would come our way. So why bother to watch the sky, watch the news, and watch our backs? As for being prepared—-forget it.
The ones who were trained were able to accurately spot a funnel cloud, just as Pastor pointed out that you have to be trained to spot a rip tide.
But that never preempted the public from being informed. At school we were taught what to do in case of a tornado. On my own, I learned that if the sky turned yellow or greenish, and the clouds were racing like mad across the sky—-things were serious.
“The irony is that, this inviting calm patch of water are most likely strong rip currents that sweep unsuspecting people out to sea. ”
I thought I was around persons that were calm and safe, so WHEN those currents were exposed, I panicked. And I got “swept” away because I couldn’t think straight.
This applies to living in tornado country, too. If the storm got calm and eerily still, that was not a good thing. You might think it was safe to go outside or come out of your basement, but it’s not. The storm was gathering it’s strength during that lull, so use that time to think straight and plan for your safety.
Great analogy about the tornadoes, Anu!
Thank you Barb!
The threat of tornadoes was fairly prevalent in my childhood, so my fear of them was quite intense. Even in writing about it, more than 20 years later, I relived some of that terror.
Whenever I read a testimony or a news story about an abuser or a pedophile, the hurt that one person inflicts (not just on their victim or victims), but on their families and loved ones, reminds me of what one tornado can do a lot of people.
An abuser is like that strong, powerful and terrifying cyclone, picking up whatever it can pick up (debris, houses, people) and moving on to wreak havoc in the next space.
i had to remind myself in prayer today that no abuser (and no tornado, for that matter!) is more powerful than the Living God. I did not grow up as a believer, so when we felt a real threat of a tornado, I used to liken it to the wrath of God. Was He going to target me, or spare me? And why was He so mad at me?
It is a beautiful thing to not live in fear of God anymore (I still fear Him, but not in sheer terror). It’s also a beautiful thing to know that evil persons WILL face His terror someday. They may have caused terrible storms in the lives of many, but they are no match for the “stormy” wrath of the Lord.
This is excellent, Anu! I lived in Arkansas for almost 10 years and can relate well to this. I remember the eerie calm before a violent outbreak. It almost seemed too calm. Birds quit chirping, nature stood completely still as the black clouds were just on the horizon. That was a sure sign that things were about to get incredibly bad. You hit on every cylinder with this reply!
Thank you Pastor. Encouragement like that means a lot, coming from you.
For double irony, I’m pretty terrified of the ocean as well. We lost some family friends when their airplane was blown up by terrorists over the ocean. I was only ten but I couldn’t get the idea of the ocean “swallowing” up all those innocent persons as they fell into the water—-for many years. Still stays with me.
I noticed that you never suggested that we stay out of water completely—wouldn’t THAT be the best way to never drown? And of course, never need deal with a rip tide?
The answer is yes and no. Yes, you’ll likely never drown, but no, that wasn’t the point of your post.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone advocate for near-isolation from the world: retreating from society as much as possible, as a so-called guaranteed, fool proof means to avoid abusers and never be victimized yourself, or as a surefire way to protect your kids.
I HAVE gone into the water (even the ocean!) but it’s still very hard to behold its beauty but also recall to mind the terror it can cause as well. And also not get caught up in its majesty and forget to stay cautious. But even armed with solid training, it’s hard to feel completely safe. There is always some risk involved.
But I like your angle. Realize what’s out there instead of not going there at all. There will always be risk, but minimize them as much as possible.
I don’t understand the “they rarely groom”
I was abused by 3 people as a child. All of them groomed me.
I’m in a support group for women who were molested and I’d say 95% of us were groomed.
I noticed a family member grooming my daughter and cut contact. I was demonized for it. Cut off by other family members for making such horrible accusations. A few years later it came to light that he had molested 2 of his own kids and at least 1 niece.
I recently read a news article about 2 male landlords who planned on abusing the child of one of their tenants. They published their text message exchange and in their messages, they discussed doing grooming techniques.
Do you have statistics or some kind of info to back that up or is this just from your personal experience?
This is both based on experience and is based on the etymology of the word “groom.” The word “test” is a far more accurate description of what abusers do and, what I believe happened to you and the women in your support group. To “groom” is to prepare someone and is always for the purpose of making the object of the grooming better (grooming a dog, grooming a child’s hair,grooming to clean, to make better, groom someone for a higher position at work, etc.). Merriam-Webster does not even have an entry for grooming with a negative connotation. What abusers do is not “grooming” but is better described as “testing.” They test their victims constantly and will progress to more egregious abuse and victimization. I wrote about it in a previous post here.
Here is an excellent article on the origins of the term “grooming.” In the conclusion, the authors are open to exploring different terminology. I think this is wise. Abusers test their victims and also test the adults near them to see who is more susceptible and which techniques they will employ to get away with the abuse. I’ve written about this a good bit, and this is very similar to what magicians do. They have the techniques rehearsed already. They do not “groom” their subjects into being deceived. Rather, they test them to see which techniques will be most effective.
In the end, “grooming” and “testing” could be used interchangeably, but I believe this blurs the lines a little. Testing, in my opinion, is far more accurate description of what abusers are doing to manipulate their victims into being abused. I’m certainly not the first to use this term to describe what abusers are doing. My hope is that we can become more precise in our descriptions so that detection becomes a bit easier. The goal for all of us is to stop abusers before they molest a child.