Sixty seconds–the number of seconds it takes someone to drown. There have been several stories in the past few days of people who lost their lives when caught in a rip current. I’m a beach lover and have been caught in a handful of rip currents myself, so naturally this has my attention. I am not a person who panics, fortunately, because panic is the main killer in rips. When people panic, they lose the ability to think. Fear sets in as they are pulled away from the beach and they attempt to swim against the current, which exhausts them to the point that they can no longer stay afloat. Rip currents are on every beach, and have been since the beginning of time. So why, in 2019, are there still so many people–some avid swimmers–who don’t know how to successfully survive a rip? The reason this particular subject has my attention is that there are so many parallels to abusers. Abusers are really not that difficult to identify. But misinformation, myths, and lack of education enable people to be caught by surprise over and over and over again.
University of New South Wales, Sydney, Australia, did a recent documentary called Rip Current Heroes. I highly recommend watching it for two reasons. First, it will help you understand what rip currents are, how to spot them, and how to survive them. Second, it is helpful to draw parallels for what we need to do to better spot and avoid abusers. In the documentary, they say that the number one thing that we can do to survive rip currents is to properly identify and avoid them. This is the training that I do with abuse. Paul’s three words in 2 Timothy 3:5 regarding abusive individuals–“Avoid such people”–are, unfortunately, viewed as “unChristian.” I prefer prevention over recovery. I’d rather teach people how to spot problematic people so they can avoid them rather than recover victims who were horrifically abused. More on that later.
The vast majority of people have not been educated on how to spot rip currents, so they unknowingly find themselves being swept out to sea at a rate of up to 5mph. Rips blend in really well and it takes a trained eye to know how to spot them. In fact, many people prefer to migrate to the calm patch of water to avoid the breaking waves that surround them. The irony is that, this inviting calm patch of water are most likely strong rip currents that sweep unsuspecting people out to sea. The average person will not be able to identify a rip current until he or she has been properly trained to do so.
Coastal geomorphologist Dr. Rob Brander has been dubbed Dr. Rip. He has been studying rip currents for over a decade. He’s a stickler for terminology because wrong terminology contributes to myths about rip currents. Dr. Brander begins with what rip currents are not. He says, “Rip currents are not under toe. They won’t pull you under, because there’s no such thing as an under toe. They’re not a rip tide, because they are not a tide. They are a current. And they won’t take you to New Zealand” (meaning the currents only go out so far then they stop). He then offers tips for how to successfully survive a rip current. I won’t rehash those in this post, but if interested, see the short video below. One important thing I will note–this training video is less than 5 minutes. And that’s all the longer it has to be. Though there are many types of rip currents and they are incredibly complex, training people how to spot them should not require them to be rocket scientists.
In my 8 years of studying abusers up close, here are some common myths I want to shatter:
- Myth #1-Abusers primarily groom their victims–I wrote a post on this recently. Terminology is important. They primarily test their victims, including bystanders. They rarely groom them.
- Myth #2-Simply having two people present keeps kids safe–Abusers are perfectionists when it comes to abuse in plain sight. Having two adults near a child will not keep them any safer than having two or ten people swimming together will keep them safe. Entire families have been swept up by rip currents just as entire communities are deceived by abusers. The key is knowing how to identify abusers, not merely putting more people in close proximity to children.
- Myth #3-Increased visibility (windows, open spaces) reduces abuse–When I do facility walk-throughs I like to walk into rooms with windows in the door to demonstrate how quickly I can disappear. People are always shocked to see how fast it happens. Almost every room has major blind spots. Furthermore, abusers use techniques to intentionally abuse in front of us anyway. Beaches have about the highest visibility of any open area I know. Yet every day people are swept away by rip currents. Increased visibility doesn’t reduce abuse. Knowing how to identify and avoid abusers does.
- Myth #4-We have trained people at my organization so kids are safe–Many incredibly proficient swimmers drown due to rip currents. Being a great swimmer won’t keep them safe if they don’t know how rip currents work, how to identify them, and how to get out of them. Proper training is needed. Very few people are trained on how to properly identify problematic people.
- Myth #5-Learning “red flags” will help me identify abusers quickly–This is doubtful. Again, terminology is important. I prefer the term “tells” of an abuser, not red flags. We should be looking for tells first, red flags second.
So what are tells and how do we see them? The verb form of tell is to inform, express, give information to, or find out by observation (I can tell that this is made of wood). Miriam-Webster defines the noun form this way: a revealing gesture, expression, etc. that is linked to a poker player’s tell. . . broadly: sign, indication. Like different types of rip currents, sexual abusers also have certain tells.
Abusers always have tells. If we know how to observe and assess, we are far more likely to spot problematic people quickly and then we can respond accordingly. Here are some of those tells:
- The eyes tell a lot–In another recent post, I suggested that people who bring children to the doctor watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order. This applies to everywhere, not just the doctor’s office. All women know what it feels like to have perverted men gawk at them and undress them with their eyes. There is no mistaking that look. Abusers don’t glance at their prey. They become mesmerized. I’ve observed sexual predators who get tunnel vision when eyeing their prey. It’s as if the rest of the world temporarily melts away and the only thing they can see is the child in front of them. Whether it’s a 2 year old child or a 15 year old girl, abusers have the same creepy stare. They cannot help themselves. Always watch they eyes and how people are looking at others.
- The hands tell a lot–Sexual abuse cannot happen without hands and fingers. **Edit–a reader rightly pointed out that voyeurism is a horrific form of sexual abuse and doesn’t involved physical contact. This is very true and I want to acknowledge this form of abuse that leaves victims incredibly traumatized.** Abusers don’t always abuse in plain sight, but they are blatantly “handsy” in public. Watch for people who just can’t help themselves. They will cross physical boundaries that stretch beyond the norm. Watch for rubbing, caressing, roaming hands, fingers that sweep across intimate body parts, even if for a split second. This is not normal or acceptable. Also watch the person receiving the touch. Tense shoulders, confused looks, squirming, etc. are all signs that the person is uncomfortable and is too paralyzed or fearful to say anything.
- The words tell a lot–I know of no abuser who hasn’t made very strange, inappropriate comments within earshot of others. Make no mistake, these comments are intentional. This is part of the testing process. Most bystanders don’t even realize that course joking, talking about sexual attraction, or how children are “starting to bud” is happening. Abusers pepper inappropriate comments into the conversation to see how far they can push boundaries. Even when bystanders hear it, they are so caught off guard that they don’t intervene. Also, conversations are “all about the kids.” Kids this, kids that, kids, kids, kids. Think obsession. There’s a difference between a mention and an obsession.
- The gait is slower and head is downward–Skilled abusers are patient. Their gait (the way they walk) reflects that. Watch for people who aren’t in as much of a hurry, who are observant, and who walk with eyes cast downward. A sex offender once told me that all pedophiles, as they walk, keep looking down near their feet. He said, “I don’t know why this is so, but we cannot look straight ahead for more than a few seconds like most of you can.” I have theories on this, but my theories are not the point of this post. The point is that I’ve witnessed this as well with every person I’ve suspected may be an abuser.
- Information mining–The most common and dangerous question is, “Tell me about yourself.” Abusers are always mining information. Always. They accumulate information by simply asking us to talk about ourselves. Humans, generally, associate this with someone being interested in us. When this question is asked, we volunteer all kinds of information about our job, our church, our children, and on the list goes. As a friend told me today, “You become the hostess giving them a complete menu rundown. Facebook is a menu. Your conversation is a menu. And they become so interested in you and your family that you forget to ask them anything about theirs.”
- Covert aggressive–Abusers are incredibly covert aggressive. Before you know it, you have become an accomplice to their plan while they come off as being kindhearted, benevolent, and deeply spiritual. They know when to turn the aggression up and when to dial it back. Abusers always seem to violate boundaries but “don’t know what you’re talking about” if they are ever confronted. Even if a person is hesitant to fulfill a request, the abuser will make that person feel bad for not agreeing then appears to be a saint to everyone else. For example, a parent will be shamed for not wanting their kid to spend alone time with the person. Those parents end up allowing it and the community sees the abuser as a saint who “just adores kids.” An observant person can usually tell very quickly if someone is being covert aggressive towards others. **edit–Originally, I used the term passive aggressive. A reader correctly pointed out that covert aggressive is a more accurate term. I agree.**
I’ve heard people talk about ending abuse, screening abusers out, making abusers scared, and on. I disagree with all of these and think our methodology is weak. Like rip currents, abusers have been around since the beginning of time and they aren’t going anywhere. Survivors of abuse know full well that abusers don’t walk away with their tails between their legs. They are not humble. They do not stop. The best use of our time, energy, and resources needs to be on spotting dangerous people quickly and avoiding them.
In addition to this, we need to train people for what to do when they identify dangerous people. We need to shatter the myths and stop fearing abusers. We need to let abusers know that we see them. We need to stop waiting until a reportable incident happens until we act. Our police departments and advocacy organizations are completely overwhelmed. They need our help. Children need us to intervene before an adult or peer has a chance to abuse them. We should be creating safe zones by warning people about people who are not safe. This includes dangerous registered sex offenders who are in our churches. If we know that they have a history of abusing children, it makes no sense why we fail to inform others. Until this happens, we have our work cut out for us.
Photo by Patryk Sobczak on Unsplash