Abusers do their homework and so should you. I have yet to meet a “dumb” abuser. Abusers rarely get caught and, even if they are suspected of abuse, they become emboldened to abuse more. As Peter describes them, they are “like irrational animals, creatures of instinct” and “they count it pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you” (2 Peter 2:12, 13 ESV).
I have neither met or heard of a child abuser who does the one thing that an abuser should do after getting caught–actually stay away from children. In fact, I receive requests for consultations from people whose churches welcome abusers with open arms. It’s no surprise that churches have an overpopulation of abusers in the church. Baptist Accountability lists hundreds of child offenders, most of whom are either still preaching or are active members of a church.
They always magically wind up at church
It’s no accident that abusers wind up at churches, evenespecially after they are caught. My dad’s own description of church volunteers who visit his prison is telling: “They’re so stupid and gullible.” Abusers know how to fool people. They’ve done it their entire lives. Child predators are both intuitive and knowledgeable. Abusers do their homework and so should you. They know who the gullible people are, who to target, and they will strike again. This interview with Dr. Michael Bourke is very good. Dr. Bourke talks about why recidivism is so low for child sexual abusers and how common it is for them to actually reoffend.
Trust your gut
Just this week I was contacted by someone I know but haven’t spoken to in years. The request was simple enough but it didn’t sit right with me. My gut told me to ignore the message. I’m glad I did. A few days later I got an anonymous call about this person. He was jailed two days after contacting me. When I did a quick online search I found a long history of felony charges of abuse of minors.
When I made a couple of phone calls it appeared he attempted to use me to flee the country. I had no idea there was a history of abuse, let alone any arrests. But my intuition told me to hesitate. When something doesn’t look or sound right we need to do our homework.
Don’t be lazy
Too many churches take the lazy route. They implement an open door policy and never look into people. Even when they know someone is a convicted sexual abuser they go out of their way to not research the person’s history. It’s not that difficult to look someone up. As part of a course, I teach people how to search for offenders for free. Believe me when I say abusers know everything there is to know about the people at their church. They chose your church for a reason.
Do your homework. Know who you are talking to and who interacts with your kids. Abusers do their homework and so should you.
It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to support this blog, you can offer tips via the coffee logo. Or if you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!
Do abusers really feel remorse when confronted? A few years ago I listened as a group of church leaders described what one of their church members did to multiple young children. It was graphic. Really graphic. They were rightfully angry and reported the abuse immediately to the police. The abuser was aware that his crimes were reported. The leaders were adamant that they meet with him to tell him he was no longer welcome at the church.
They asked what they should expect when they met with him. By now I can write the script for how abusers respond in my sleep. “It was a long time ago. The child wanted it and I tried to resist. That’s not at all what happened; this is all a big misunderstanding.” I’ve heard every excuse in the book and pretty much know how an abusers respond. And it’s not with remorse.
I prepped the leaders and warned them again that abusers are extremely charismatic. Abusers talk a good talk and are great with words. They have to be. That’s why they rarely get caught. I met again with the leaders to follow up. It was astounding how quickly their anger from a few days ago had now turned to compassion–for the abuser.
They fell into every trap that I warned them was coming. The problem is that they gave the abuser a chance to defend himself. Abusers expect to be confronted. Believe it or not, they welcome it. They rehearse their responses and think of every angle. My dad once told me, “If you think you’ll be able to tell when we are lying you’re only fooling yourself. We can look you in the eye and tell you anything and get you to believe it. Lying is what we do.”
I don’t know what ever happened at that particular church. I do know that the leaders were considering letting the abuser continue to worship at the same church he produced victims at, against my recommendation. They were sympathetic and did not consider the victims. It’s a story that I could tell 1,000 times. I can’t understand why leaders constantly buckle and cater to abusers. Even when there are undeniable facts, abusers are still treated well in most churches.
Conculsion
In my 13 years of working with dozens of churches and hundreds of survivors, I have yet to see or hear of an abuser who is remorseful. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen, but it is exceptionally rare. This alone ought to give churches reservations in being so quick to embrace abusers.
It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!
Can we in the church support both victims and abusers? A more appropriate question is, should we support both victims and abusers? The vast majority of churches I worked with over the years supported abusers at the expense of victims. The most asked question I received was, “How do we minister to our brother (the abuser)?” It always irritated me that the abuser was the primary concern and not the victims. Abusers are often assigned accountability partners, prayer partners, support teams, etc. Victims almost never are assigned much beyond blame and shame. But should the abuser even receive support?
Description of abusers
Before we talk about whether to support abusers, we need to define what an abuser is. An abuser, regardless of their position in the church or elsewhere, is someone who is intentional about seeking victims out. Peter calls them bold and willful (2 Peter 2:10). They “count it pleasure to revel in the daytime” and are “reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you” (vs. 13). They “loved gain from wrongdoing” (vs. 15), “indulge in the lust of passion and despise authority” (vs. 10). Peter describes them this way: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire” (vs. 22).
Paul (a reformed persecutor of Christians and witness to murders), has similar descriptions of abusers. They “creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions” (3 Timothy 3:5), and are “always learning but never able to arrive at knowledge of the truth” (vs. 7). They are “lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,” (vs. 2-4) and so on. Abusers in the church, according to Paul, get worse and not better: “while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (vs. 13).
By the way, both Peter and Paul specifically talk about impostors within the church. Both describe people who masquerade as good, godly people. But secretly they mistreat people. They are arrogant. Abusers lie, cheat, and mislead. And they love it. That is why they don’t stop. Their intention to deceive and inflict harm sets an abuser apart from someone who makes bad decisions or from someone who struggles with addiction. It sets them apart from people who make insanely stupid decisions but then can later learn from them. Abusers don’t care. They don’t stop. They revel in their deceptions.
What to do with abusers
I think the Bible is clear. If someone is preying on innocent victims they will do it again. If they are manipulating, lying, and pretending but secretly are cruel, twisted, and defiant, they won’t stop. Paul says of these “Christians,” Avoid such people” (2 Tim 3:5). Peter implies that they should be avoided. He’s more clear on their destruction: “And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep” (2 Peter 2:3). They are “irrational animals, creatures of instinct, born to be caught and destroyed” (vs. 12).
Paul tells the Corinthian church to handle an abuser like this: “cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump” (1 Cor. 5:7). He continues: “I am writing you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler (verbal abuser), drunkard, or swindler (rapacious or ravenous)–not even to eat with such a one” (vs. 11). His conclusion for the Corinthian church is to “purge the evil person from among you” (vs. 13). Again, these are abusers, not merely people who mess up. We know this because Paul addresses drunk Christians at the Lord’s supper in chapter 11 and never suggests kicking them out. He clearly is speaking about removing abusive people in chapter 5.
Reasons to avoid abusers
Many Christians are shamed for avoiding people or kicking them out. They believe that doing so is contrary to what Christ commands. But Jesus himself often warned his people about wolves in sheep’s clothing. The entire chapter 10 of John is Jesus condemning leaders for allowing ravenous wolves into the flock of sheep. He said that a good shepherd will lay down his life to protect the sheep but the hired hand cares nothing for the sheep and will leave when the wolf arrives.
We avoid abusive people for a few reasons. First and most important, we are protecting innocent people from known abusers–people who have a known history of manipulating innocent people for the purpose of abusing them. Second, it is an act of grace for everyone, including an abuser, to keep them away from people who they intend to harm. It’s quite the opposite when we treat them with kid gloves and pretend like serial abusers are Jesus’ closest bro. I wrote a post before about why it is dishonest for churches to hide abusers within the church. For a host of reasons, it’s just wrong. Don’t do it.
Third, we avoid abusers in hopes of repentance. Paul urged the Corinthians to “deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (1 Cor. 5:5). In other words, this jerk wants to produce victims? Let Satan have his way with him and see how he likes it! Maybe it will wake him up and in the end he might be saved. This is a far cry from how churches routinely handle allegations of abuse today.
Finally, we avoid confusion for victims of abuse and send a clear message to abusers that abusing innocent people won’t ever result in rewards. There are a couple instances where I unapologetically asked people to leave our church. Both were visitors. One had just gotten out of prison and was chasing kids around attempting to tickle them. The other was a man who I could tell was manipulating me. A church member disclosed later that this man had verbally assaulted her months before at her apartment complex. She thanked me for removing him.
Conclusion
I personally don’t think it’s possible, wise, or biblical to support abusers and victims together. In fact, I think it’s appropriate and necessary to remove abusers who fit the descriptions above. I know there are complexities to this, and these will be addressed in later posts. I will also write several posts for how we actually care for survivors of abuse in the church because right now the church is failing. For now, stay safe. Keep known predators at bay. Protect the innocent.
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In a podcast this week, our topic was Diagnosing Your Church’s Health when abuse allegations come to light. One of our points was that unhealthy churches reframe firings as “resignations” so it appears that the guilty person is quitting. “Resignation” firings allow abusers to receive the blessing of the same leaders who fired them, leading to a very confusing environment. Information about abuse allegations are intentionally withheld from the congregation, so leaders give the false appearance that their preacher willingly resigned. I wish I could say that this dishonest tactic is rare. My experience is that it is incredibly common. Just this week, I have been made aware of two instances of preachers being fired “resigned.” That’s two too many.
Healthy churches don’t lie. They don’t need to. If there are allegations of abuse, leaders need to stand on truth and justice. If a charge is serious enough that a church will fire a leader, what does it say about the church that reframes the firing as a “resignation?” The leader who was fired is then able to scurry off to a new unsuspecting church, where they rinse, reinvent, and repeat. Oftentimes, the leaders who allowed (or forced) a “resignation” will even send off the fired pastor with a letter of recommendation, so long as he or she remains silent about the circumstances surrounding the firing.
This is known in secular circles as “passing the trash.” In 2014, Pennsylvania, where I live, unanimously passed a bill in the House that would ban schools from withholding information about problematic teachers. A Penn Live article says it very clearly: “The bill would bar schools from entering into contracts that suppress information about investigations of abuse and sexual misconduct, as well as prevent schools from transferring problem teachers from school district to school district, a practice called “pass the trash.”
If lawmakers are unanimously making it illegal for schools to pass the trash, isn’t it high time the church realizes just how unethical and immoral it is for them to do it? It’s past time that we have a system in place in the church that also bars churches from passing the trash. When someone is credibly accused of any kind of abuse, churches should report all reportable instances to law enforcement, fire the abusive leader, and communicate clearly with their church why they fired the leader. Church leaders should be concise in their communication. They need to inform the church that they have a zero tolerance policy on abuse.
If you are reading this and you know of a leader who suddenly resigns, know that it’s OK to ask questions. Ask the person if they actually resigned on their own free will or if it was a forced resignation. Ask what circumstances led to the resignation. It’s impossible to know the difference between a legitimate resignation and a firing that is framed as a resignation unless we ask the right questions.
If you are a leader who “resigned” a church leader in the past, repent and make it right. Accept the consequences for allowing an abuser to move on. This may mean stepping down from your role as a leader in the church. It takes humility and courage to admit your mistakes. We advocates see the trail of damage that is created by abusers who are given a free pass to roam from church to church. The church shouldn’t be an abuser’s playground. Leaders, I beg: stop “resigning” abusers and passing the trash.
Last month we recorded a podcast outlining 5 things church leaders must do when allegations of abuse arise. I get many messages from church leaders asking me where to begin. I can empathize, because nine years ago I was in the same boat. Leaders shouldn’t be caught off guard. When it comes to abuse allegations, flying by the seat of your pants is the quickest way to demonstrate to the church that the leadership is unprepared. Being unprepared often leads to disastrous mistakes that leave victims even more wounded, the vulnerable more at risk, and abusers enjoying the benefit of having the protection and anonymity from church leaders. For those who missed the podcast, I repost it and offer these 5 tips in writing here.
Leaders should distance themselves from abusive behavior that is being alleged. It is tempting to defend friends and family when allegations arise, or to reduce abuse allegations to mere “things” that have happened. Don’t. It takes an incredible amount of courage for a victim to disclose abuse. Instead of minimizing abuse, validate what happened to the victims by distancing yourselves from the abuse. A simple, precise statement will go a long way. Say something like, “We don’t know much about the allegations at this point, BUT if they are founded, we leaders never condone abusive language or behavior and will not tolerate it. We are taking immediate action to protect the abused and cooperate with investigators.”
Name the person AND the allegation/accusation. This is the most controversial step. It shouldn’t be. I’ve witnessed leaders bend over backwards to keep the alleged abuser’s name anonymous and often the victim is named instead. Leaders do this to shame and discredit the person alleging abuse, and will tarnish them by labeling them as “gossips.” Unless victims wish to go public, they should never be named. Disclosing abuse is not gossip. When I fist heard an allegation of sexual abuse against my father, I immediately announced to the church that someone disclosed to me that she was sexually abused by my father when she was a minor, and I asked all parents and guardians to keep their children very far away from my dad while the investigation was going on. I made it crystal clear that, under no circumstance, was he permitted to step inside the church building as the investigation was taking place.
Do not hinder church members from asking questions and expressing concern. When allegations arise, there are almost always more victims who are suffering in silence. Don’t silence them more. Be transparent, encourage people to ask questions and share any helpful information, and encourage any other victims to report the abuse. I informed my congregation that there were no questions that they couldn’t ask, and I promised that if I didn’t have an answer, I would find out. I asked them not to speculate or guess who my dad’s victims were. All of us parents were concerned that our kids could have been his victims. At first, I had no idea who his victims were except the one who disclosed to me. So I encouraged church members to contact the detective directly if they had specific questions or concerns about their children. Communication was frequent, and it was always transparent and inviting.
Provide an avenue for potential victims to safely report abusive behavior and never ask them to confront their abuser. Leaders should be clear that ALL leaders are available to hear any allegations of abusive behavior, and that people can go to any one of them. Any leaders who hinder disclosures of abuse should be removed from office immediately. Appealing to Matthew 18 is an absurd misuse of a passage where Jesus told Christians to first “go tell your brother his fault.” Never would Jesus suggest that a person who is oppressed or abused go talk to their abuser as a first step. If a crime has been committed, nobody but law enforcement should talk to the abuser. Always report to the appropriate authorities if criminal activity is suspected.
Protect the value of human souls, not the reputation of the church. Always place human souls above the reputation of the church. Damage control is dishonest because it focuses on whitewashing the public image of the church while covering for someone who has abused innocents and created victims. Instead, focus on helping the wounded to heal. Vow to learn from blind spots and get educated so that more innocent people in the church won’t fall prey to an abuser again.
A massive pile up in Wyoming on Sunday, March 1st, involved over 100 vehicles and claimed the lives of three people while thirty more went to the hospital with injuries. As an avid driver, who spent over ten years as a professional truck driver, I’ve always studied accidents like this. It may seem like a strange method, but the acute observer and analytical thinker in me prods me to learn from others’ mistakes. Mistakes happen all the time. We’ve got to observe and learn from them. And I think when it comes to abuse, we can learn from all kinds of scenarios that have little to nothing to do with abuse because there often are overlapping principles at work.
The following video was posted by a truck driver who came upon Sunday’s accident scene. Just a warning that there is strong language and the carnage of the crash can be disturbing to watch.
As an “old school” truck driver, watching these videos makes my blood boil. Being a professional driver comes with incredible responsibility. There was no reason for this pile up to occur. There was light snow, little wind, decent visibility, and the temperature was in the lower twenties. An empty tractor trailer weighs 35,000 lbs and a fully loaded one is 80,000 lbs. It takes a long time to stop on ice, so reduced speed and constant communication between drivers is essential. I’ve personally witnessed hundreds of accidents. I’ve never witnessed a pile up in over a million miles. The main reason, I believe, is that communication between drivers was always decent when I was on the road.
I’ve been the first to come upon bad accidents in the road. The most memorable was when I was rounding a blind curve, fully loaded at 80,000 lbs, only to find a rolled over pick up truck in my lane. Passengers were crawling out of the window. A coworker was behind me, also fully loaded. I instantly reached for the CB microphone and told Kim to switch lanes. Neither of us could stop in time, but we both avoided killing people that day. In the above video, communication is absent. This driver (as well as the other ones involved) should have been hollering back to everyone behind them to back it down! Those three words have saved me multiple times, and I’ve used those same three words to save other people from getting tangled up in accidents.
Instead of warning others over the CB radio, the driver is focused on filming. He even narrates and calls attention to the sound of more trucks smashing into other parked vehicles. My jaw was on the floor in disbelief. Lives would have been saved. Millions of dollars of equipment and freight could have been spared. Some of these drivers’ livelihoods are now gone because other drivers didn’t tell them to back it down.
Me driving a loaded tractor trailer @80,000 lbs in 2004.
The lack of communication in the church when warning signs are present also astounds me. The reality is that many innocent people are unnecessarily getting injured by abusers because people fail to communicate quickly and with precise language when we witness risky behavior. We need to learn from these mistakes. We need to improve communication. Below are five reasons why I believe people don’t report suspicious behavior:
#1 The shock of what we are witnessing can be paralyzing
People used to argue that there are two reactions when we sense risk–fight or flight. Now it’s widely recognized that freeze is a very common response. When we become shocked at what we are witnessing, it’s easy to freeze and not know what to do. Good training helps us overcome this. My trainers reminded us that there is never an excuse for not communicating danger to other drivers. I do the same when I train churches. Even if an incident isn’t reportable to the police, there are high risk behaviors that we must communicate to others. Remaining silent is not an option.
If someone in our church is violating physical boundaries, we warn others. It is not cruel or unfair to do so. It’s quite the opposite. It’s completely fair and warnings are warranted when someone is clearly making other people uncomfortable by crossing appropriate boundaries.
#2 The bystander effect is powerful
Surely someone else will speak up! If you find yourself thinking this thought. . . it’s time to speak up. The bystander effect is very powerful. Lots of studies have been done on this. In emergency situations, we are likely to follow the behavior of people around us. If everyone around us fails to take action, we similarly will fail to take action. The best way to break that pattern is to be aware that we are all vulnerable to the bystander effect. We must condition ourselves to be the first to speak up.
#3 Poor training
We often either have a lack of training, or our training is lacking. In other words, even when people are trained to speak up, they may question proper procedures for doing so and end up not reporting at all. A survey of 197 school teachers in the early 2000s revealed that 73% of those surveyed never made a report. Only 11% said there were instances they felt were reportable, but failed to report. Those surveyed said that both pre- and post-service training was inadequate for instructing them how to report, and they cited the following reasons for not reporting: fear of making an inaccurate report, feeling as though child protective services don’t help families, and no apparent signs of abuse.
#4 Reliance on technology
We are becoming more and more reliant on technology. Map apps now have the ability for drivers to report accidents, road blockages, construction zones, and even speed traps. This is becoming a crutch and it will never be able to take the place of old fashioned CB radio communication. Yet drivers depend on their apps to warn them if there is trouble, which is ending in disaster. The same is true of our sex offender registries, back ground checks, etc. I still am blown away at the number of people I speak with who believe that conducting background checks is an adequate way to reveal and communicate who dangerous people are. They are not.
#5 There is no clear chain of command
In the church, especially, our leadership structures often prevent lay people from taking initiative to communicate who risky people are to the church without going through a maze of red tape. When risky behavior is identified, many people (even among leaders) scratch their heads because they don’t know who to report the behavior to. As a friend of mine says, “When seconds count, help is only minutes away.” Or in most cases, it could be months away.
We need better systems in place with clear checklists, protocols, and precise reporting procedures if we are going to stop these massive casualties from occurring within our organizations.
“But if the watchman sees the enemy coming and doesn’t sound the alarm to warn the people, he is responsible for their captivity. They will die in their sins, but I will hold the watchman responsible for their deaths.” –Ezekiel 33:6 NL
