Category: Larry Nassar

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5 Tips for parents to protect your kids from pervert doctors

doctor abuse

Many were shocked when victims and parents spoke up at Larry Nassar’s sentencing, describing how they had been sexually assaulted with their parents in the same room. It didn’t take long before the vultures circled around the parents of those victims and insults were hurled like a molotov cocktail. Cristen Chatman, the mother of one of Nassar’s hundreds of victims, knows these insults all too well:

Over the past several weeks, I’ve read so many angry, uninformed comments, posts and other writings blaming and shaming the parents. Accusations such as “parents should have listened.” “They should have known.” “What were they thinking” or “How could they have let that happen.” I’ve even seen posts suggesting these well-meaning parents be put in cells next to Larry; the very parents that have now come to realize what really happened in the exam room. The crushing guilt that burdens these parents (and me, specifically) is something that can’t be comprehended without walking in the same shoes.

From the Indy Star– Letter: I am a mom who was in the exam room while Dr. Larry Nassar treated my daughter

What Nassar did–molesting his victims in front of their parents–is not uncommon for abusers. In fact, it’s so common among most abusers that I have dedicated my research to understanding abuse techniques and how abusers keep us blind to it. Just this year and twenty miles from my home, pediatrician Johnnie Barto was sentenced to 79-158 years in prison, at the age of 71, after dozens of victims came forward. Like Nassar, Barto molested his victims as he held casual conversations with their parents. Also like Nassar, Barto was under investigation in the past. In 1998 an entire town came out in support of Dr. Barto for a ribbon ceremony as his accusers looked on in shock. His medical license was restored and he went on to abuse many more victims until he was arrested last year.

I can’t help but to cringe when I hear adults say, “We have great policies. We put windows on all the doors and we have people who keep an eye on the kiddos.” This is reminiscent of the recent interview with Li Li Leung, USA Gymnastics’ fourth CEO and former patient of Larry Nassar. Leung said, “I was not abused by him because my coach was by my side and I was in a public setting, so I understand what the setting needs to be like to ensure the safety of our athletes.” What!!?? You can imagine how well this went over with Nassar’s victims who had parents and coaches in the room when they were abused over and over again.

Li Li Leung believes what most people do about abuse–that if we are in public spaces and keep watch that abuse won’t happen. I am not blaming her completely, but a person leading an organization with such a horrific culture of abuse yet remains this ignorant about abuse is telling. This is how people are trained. We are told that abusers “groom” their victims. We are told that the “red flags” of abusers are people who isolate victims, who shower them with presents, and who can’t hold normal conversations with adults. Most of this research is highly inaccurate, so a false sense of security exists when we have our children within eyesight. And this plays right into the hands of skilled abusers.

I’ve written a lot on abuse in plain sight. If I were to boil it all down into one phrase, I’d say that abusers know how to control what’s called our “spotlight of attention.” They do this via a variety of techniques. Our brain is wired in such a way that it’s incredibly easy for people to exploit our brain’s expectations to create all kinds of visual illusions. If you want to learn more about this, I suggest watching a training that neuroscientists Drs. Stephen Macknik and Susana Martinez-Conde did with me below. They are experts in visual deceptions and how our brain responds.

So what can we parents do while in the same room with doctors, nurses, and PAs? I will start by saying that it is up to parents to be the informed ones. Doctors, nurses, physician’s assistants, and anyone else who is on staff are not being trained to recognize these abuse techniques for creating visual deceptions. Just because there are multiple professionals in the room does not mean they are trained to see abuse in plain sight. In fact, several of Nassar’s victims’ parents who were in the same room were themselves physicians. And their kids were still abused.

The good news is that the steps parents need to take are not complex. But, honestly, we need to forget (or at least temporarily suspend) our training that we’ve all heard on looking for “red flag behaviors” and grooming. If that’s what we’re looking for it will cloud our judgement and abusers will run circles around us. Here are 5 tips I offer parents:

1. Don’t wait until a reportable incident happens to intervene

Pennsylvania, where I live, is the epicenter for much national attention to sexual abuse. Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State scandal unfolded in 2012. Last year Bill Cosby was sentenced in Philadelphia shortly after the release of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury Report into the Catholic abuse scandal. In the wake of all these cases, our state has spent billions of dollars and enacted legislation to require training for mandated reporters, increase penalties for failure to report, and require tons of new people to have background checks every five years. The fruits of this labor? Abuse is still on a dramatic rise in Pennsylvania. Experts can spin this all they want, but the reality is that we are losing ground because of inadequate training that only requires us to report abuse and not to prevent it. Abuse is getting worse, not better. Don’t rely on the professionalism of trained people to prevent your child from being abused. Our statistics show that we are failing our children miserably.

As parents, you have every right to pull your child from a doctors visit at any time during that visit. If you so much as have a gut feeling about someone or your child doesn’t respond well to them, politely ask that the visit be cut short and go to the receptionist to pay or ask to see another doctor. This is prevention. Is it a hassle? Yes. Will you feel silly? Maybe. But I assure you that I have shaken the hands of multiple pilots who grounded planes that they felt were unsafe to fly. When something doesn’t feel right, it’s better to be proactive and create inconveniences before your child is telling you that the doctor did something that made them feel uncomfortable.

2. Watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order

All sexual abusers have the following things in common. They view children as sexual objects. Eyes tell a story. We’ve all caught old men gawking at teenage girls at the shopping mall. Eyes that caress butts and breasts are not innocent. We all know the difference between a benign look and one that undresses someone. But when it comes to little children nobody wants to think that someone is capable of sexualizing them. But abusers do. My dad once told me that, prior to landing in prison, he could spot people who are “like him” as soon as he walked into a room. When I asked him how he said, “Simple. I watch their eyes.” He could tell which men were gazing sexually at children just by paying attention to how they were looking at them.

Abusers also must use their hands to molest victims. Sure, there are additional ways to abuse, but all abusers use their hands to grope, penetrate, manipulate, etc. Nassar, Barto, and my own father did horrific things to their victims in front of their parents–using their hands. If you cannot see both hands and all ten fingers at all times, get up and move. Do not get distracted by conversation for a second, which leads me to. . .

Words. Like magicians, abusers talk. Abusers use words to control your spotlight of attention. Don’t let narrative distract you from watching the eyes and hands of the doctor, nurse, or PA. People assume abusers “block their view” of the abuse with their own body. I’m not convinced because I know something of their techniques. Abusers don’t distract you from what they are doing, they draw attention to it. Deb McCaul actually got up and stood next to her daughter Morgan when Nassar worked in the pelvic region–“I wasn’t somebody with, like, my nose in the phone,” McCaul says. “I was having conversations with them. And whenever Larry was doing something in that [pelvic] area, I would go up and stand by the table, because I wanted her to feel more comfortable.”

Deb wonders how she missed it. She was right there, after all. Nassar would actually draw attention to the pelvic region by describing what pelvic floor techniques are. . . as he was penetrating his victims. He was not deterred or nervous by Deb standing right next to him. Never assume that, because you are an alert person, someone can’t or won’t abuse your child right in front of you. They can and they do. We are taught manners and are expected to watch people’s eyes when they talk and avoid looking at areas that make us uncomfortable. Deb describes being able to see Nassar’s one hand but his other one? Deb said, “I couldn’t see that part of it. But I had no reason to question it either.” Know where both hands are and all ten fingers are at all times.

3. If an exam or procedure seems invasive or out of place, stop the doctor immediately

As I research abuse techniques and read cases that are public, I notice certain troubling patterns. Abusive doctors do unnecessary tests and procedures that don’t match the symptoms. If a doctor says they are doing a vaginal examination when your child is there for the flu, refuse it and tell the doctor you are reporting him or her. I was stunned as I read different reports at what doctors were doing to their patients just so they could grope them.

Breast exams were done for common colds. Vaginal and rectal exams were given for upset bellies. And on it goes. I found that, in only a few cases, did parents intervene or ask questions. The vast majority of these abusers got away with this hundreds of times each simply because no parents were asking questions or stopping them from doing it.

If a physician wants to perform a test or treatment that seems strange to you, stop him or her from going any further. Tell them that you would like another doctor to come in the room for a second opinion. If they become agitated or belligerent at the request, congratulations–you just affirmed that this doctor shouldn’t be treating your child. Good doctors will welcome collaboration with other doctors, especially if they are on their team. No doctor should be pushy or make you feel stupid for asking questions. Unless, that is, they have something to hide.

4. Ask to see a copy of the policy for examining private parts

I don’t know what is or isn’t required for doctors in this area. What I do know is that there is wild inconsistency when it comes to actual practice. Sometimes other nurses, doctors, or receptionists are called into the room. Other times they are not. Ask to see their policy on accountability for those types of examinations. If there is no policy, ask if one is required. If it is not required, ask if it’s something that they are going to change.

Whether another staff member is required to be in the room is one thing. You being in the room is another. Never allow your child to be intimately examined, stripped, or touched anywhere near private parts unless you are in the room and have complete visual access at all times. Even if it is not policy, you may request that another doctor or nurse be present as your child’s privates are examined.

If gloves are not worn, refuse to have your child’s privates examined. You don’t have to be mean. But you always need to be firm. This is never negotiable. Nor should it be. It goes without saying, but never leave your child in the room. One time my littlest had to go to the potty after the doctor came in to examine his older sibling. I asked the doctor to pause for a few minutes while all of my children went with me down the hall to the bathroom. The doctor waited alone in the room until we returned. Then he resumed the examination.

5. Train your child

It is essential to communicate with your children what are acceptable boundaries and what are not. My children know that sometimes privates will need examined. They also know that a doctor is required to explain what he or she is going to do before the examination. No doctor is allowed to just examine without talking to us first.

Let your children know that a doctor is never allowed to be alone with them. Let them know that if a staff member makes them feel uncomfortable they are free to talk about it as it is happening. One of us parents will always be in the room. Our children know that they don’t have to wait until after the fact to tell us if something with the examination makes them hurt or brings discomfort. Communication is important. Instant communication is better.

Do not instill fear or distrust of doctors into your child. The vast majority of physicians are good. Our kids like our doctors. They talk with them, tell them about school, and joke around with them. We do a very big disservice to our doctors and our children if we teach our kids to distrust doctors. At the same time, our children know that they have the authority to stop a doctor if anything that the doctor does makes them uneasy. And we parents have the right to refuse certain doctors too.

Photo by Martha Dominguez de Gouveia on Unsplash

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Why I talk about abusers “testing” instead of grooming

deception

Groom (verb)-to get into readiness for a specific objective: Prepare

Test (verb)-to make a preliminary test or survey (as of reaction or interest) before embarking on a course of action

Prior to learning in 2011 that my dad was a very sophisticated child sexual predator, I had no reason to believe he was abusing children. Not only was he abusing many young children, he was doing it in our own home. It was my youngest sister who disclosed to me that she had been sexually abused by our dad for years. An entire family and community was clueless. We had no idea. And we are right in step with the rest of society. Dr. Gene Abel estimates that a child molester has less than a 3% chance of ever getting caught every time they create a hands-on victim. In my father’s case, he operated at a 100% success rate with every victim. In other words, he successfully abused all of his many victims without anyone ever suspecting that he was abusing children.

The one thing that kept coming up in every book I read was the concept of “grooming behavior.” It has become the universal language to describe what abusers do to both their victims and the community at large in order to sexually, physically, or emotionally abuse their victims. Darkness To Light describes grooming this way:

Grooming is a process by which offenders gradually draw victims into a sexual relationship and maintain that relationship in secrecy. At the same time, offenders may also fill roles within the victims’ families that make them trusted and valued family friends.

Darkness To Light continues:

The key is to recognize red flag behaviors and to minimize opportunity for abuse.

Here are some red flag behaviors to watch for:

  1. Targeting specific kids for special attention, activities, or gifts. Some offenders show preference for a particular gender, age, or “type.”
  2. Slowly isolating a kid from family members and friends: physically and emotionally. This could include finding reasons for isolated, one-on-one interactions (sleepovers, camping trips, day activities, etc.), or undermining relationships with parents and friends to show that “no one understands you like I do.”
  3. Gradually crossing physical boundaries. Full frontal hugs that last too long, making kids sit in their laps, “accidental” touches of private areas – all of these are causes for concern. In some cases, offenders have engaged in partially clothed tickle sessions, showered with kids, or slept in the same bed with them.
  4. Encouraging a kid to keep secrets from family members. The shame and fear associated with child sexual abuse make it easy for offenders to enforce secrecy in this area as well, keeping abuse “just between us.”

As the son of a pedophile who was learning and growing and questioning everything about my childhood, this notion of “grooming” victims into being abused just didn’t seem adequate to describe what happened between my dad and his victims. It’s close, but I think the terminology is too broad and descriptions of grooming are way too static. We can’t reduce what abusers do to a quick checklist of red flag behaviors.

Pedophiles are experts at deception. They are artists and therefore are incredibly creative in how they implement their strategies. They are adaptable and nimble. What they do is dynamic, always changing. Abusers are the definition of becoming all things to all people. They do heinous acts, and thousands of them to dozens or even hundreds of kids, without having anyone suspect it. In the rare case that someone does suspect it or a victim discloses, the abuser can easily explain the actions away. I know. I lived with one such abuser. They have already thought of and rehearsed every possible scenario. They think on their feet much better than most of us do. Much of the abuse pedophiles do is intentionally done right in front of us. In fact, the ultimate trophy is to be able to abuse their victims in plain sight of adults without their noticing it. Sure, they abuse in isolation. But they also abuse many of their victims within inches of our eyes. And we don’t notice!

Let me first walk through the four “red flags of grooming” mentioned by Darkness To Light above. If the key really is to recognize the red flags so we can minimize opportunity for abuse, the absolute most important question I can possibly ask is, Does it actually work?

First, targeting specific kids for special attention, activities, or gifts; showing preference to a specific gender, age or type–I have fond memories as a kid going on beach trips with just my dad and my brothers. We have a large family (11 kids) and I am the 5th boy in a row. My parents would split up vacations and the two of them would take the girls then just my dad would take only us boys on a separate vacation. None of us boys were abused.

Presents-I still remember one day my older brother Tim and I waking up to two brand new three wheelers parked outside in our driveway. One was for Tim and one was for me, bought by my dad. There was no special occasion. He was an impulse buyer and showered all kinds of people with all kinds of gifts. He was generous with his time and money. Even looking back now, I don’t think he used presents to “groom” victims into being abused. Furthermore, the segregation of kids based on gender, age, and type is too generic. This “red flag” describes my wife. It describes me. It describes just about everyone I know. This makes the needle-in-the-haystack-phenomenon even worse when we tell people that “abusers can be anyone.” Do you see why this language isn’t specific enough? I can’t overstate the fact that abusers are dynamic in the application of their techniques. What works for one victim may not work for the next. An abuser will adapt to find the proper techniques to match the specific vulnerabilities in each victim and their families. And they do this by testing.

Second, slowly isolating kids from family and friends: physically and emotionally; finding reasons for isolated, one-on-one interactions (sleepovers, camping trips, day activities)–Once again, this is too broad. Dad took us boys on camp outs often. He never abused us. He also took girls on camp outs. He did abuse some of them. I have camped out many times with just my kids and have never abused them. My wife doesn’t like camping so she happily stays behind, which could have the appearance of “isolating” my kids. There was one key difference that I can see between instances when my dad isolated kids: he acted too excited to take certain kids on trips or sleepovers. But even this is very subjective because there were plenty of times that he was excited to take us boys on camping trips. Some of my best memories are of overnight trips my dad and I took together–camping, sail boating, going to the beach, and on I could go.

Third, gradually crossing physical boundaries; hugs that last too long, sitting kids in laps, “accidental” touches of private areas–I can’t name a parent who hasn’t exhibited the above behaviors, with the exception of “accidental” touches to private areas. But still, these are considered grooming behaviors to manipulate a child into a sexual encounter. Larry Nassar is one case where we know for certain that his physical contact with victims was sexual. And he did much of it–with over 100 victims that we know of–just inches away from the parents. Kristen Chatman was one such mother who was in the room as her daughter was being sexually assaulted by Nassar. Here is her account:

She was fully covered – even wearing running shorts. I, unlike others, don’t remember him ‘blocking’ my view, but since she was covered, I was unaware of what he was doing under the sheet. After he was done, he washed his hands and I remember thinking “Did he just do what I think he did? Where are his gloves?” I immediately dismissed the thoughts as there must have been some good reason. This was Larry after all. No need to question him. I trusted him. We all trusted him.


Deb McCaul was another attentive parent who not only was in the same room as Nassar while he abused her daughter Morgan, but actually walked up to be near her daughter to comfort her during the “procedure”:

“I wasn’t somebody with, like, my nose in the phone,” McCaul says. “I was having conversations with them. And whenever Larry was doing something in that [pelvic] area, I would go up and stand by the table, because I wanted her to feel more comfortable.”

Nassar was not deterred by his victim’s mother walking up and standing right next to him! Did he groom Morgan and Deb or did he test them first to find out which deception techniques he’d use to pull this off? Sexual predators are artists of deception. They constantly test their victims and their families to see which techniques will work best. Nassar did not gradually cross physical boundaries with his victims. He knew what he wanted to do to his victims so he tested them and their parents to know how he could pull it off, then he just did it. Abusers are dynamic. When Nassar saw Deb McCaul walk up next to him, he didn’t “groom” her into believing he was trustworthy. Nassar already had her trust because he had authority as a doctor and respect as a friend. All Nassar had to do was simply test Deb to see how he could hold her spotlight of attention. Once he initiated conversation, he sexually assaulted Deb’s daughter as he was casually talking with Deb. This is the dynamic nature I talk about. Abusers test. They adapt. And they do it proficiently on the go. They never skip a beat. They can’t. Otherwise they will get caught.

Finally, encouraging kids to keep secrets from family members–Again, this is not something my dad did. Both he and his victims tell me that he never told them to keep the abuse a secret. He didn’t need to. That’s not to say that some abusers don’t because we know that many do tell their victims to keep it a secret. But should this be considered a “grooming” technique? Grooming, by definition, is preparation. Grooming gets ready or prepares someone for a specific objective. An abuser who tells the victim to keep the abuse a secret is not preparing them for abuse; he has already has obtained his objective. He is not grooming the victim into being abused; he is merely warning the victim not to disclose the abuse that has already happened.

I think it’s important that we shift our language to be more precise. The above four “grooming behaviors” miss the most important issue at hand–they don’t tell us how abusers abuse their victims. I don’t want to focus on static behaviors, I want to focus on dynamic techniques abusers use to deceive us. I confess that we are grossly inadequate at identifying abusers “out there” in the real world. Even those of us who live and breathe abuse have many vulnerabilities that abusers will see and exploit. Because they are so adaptable, they are really good at deceiving others. Yet the common phrases that are thrown around to help us “identify” abusers are:

  • Abusers can be anyone
  • It’s all about control
  • They are master manipulators
  • They groom both their victims and communities
  • They’re incredibly good at controlling narratives
  • Watch out for people who are too good to be true

The problem (and it’s a major problem!) with this is that it tells us nothing about their techniques. It tells us nothing about how they do what they do. Though some of the grooming lingo is helpful, if falls way, way short of being specific enough to pick someone out of a crowd. If we want to understand how deception works, we need to study deception. I wanted to know, step by step, how abusers test us, deceive us, and what it is that they are doing along the way. How do they adapt and blend in with the grace and natural blending of a chameleon? What I found is that they are not merely “grooming” us and their victims. Rather, the bigger part of what they are doing is testing us. They test us to know exactly what each of our vulnerabilities are and they instantly exploit those vulnerabilities.

The difference between grooming and testing may seem like a trivial difference, but I assure you it’s the most important distinction. If someone is skilled at testing their subjects and they know what works for different people, they will learn deception techniques and adjust them from person to person. They not only know who to exploit, but they know how to exploit each person and what technique works best to pull it off. This describes abusers much better. When people say that, for abusers, “it’s all about control,” my response is, “No, it’s all about technique.” You can tell me that someone is controlling but what does that actually tell me about how he maintained control?

My theory led me to the brilliant work of neuroscientists and deception experts Dr. Stephen Macknick and Dr. Susana Martinez-Conde. I ran my theories by them and we ended up collaborating and putting on a training together in my hometown last year. The videos below show how and why our human brains are constantly making up information and how abusers hack and exploit our brains.

Drs. Macknik and Martinez-Conde collaborated with magicians to understand how the human brain is so easily fooled. What is it about us that makes us so susceptible to abuse? Magicians and abusers alike know how to exploit our vulnerabilities. Magicians make a living fooling people and abusers spend a lifetime abusing children by fooling adults. Magicians don’t need to groom us into being deceived any more than abusers need to. Because it’s not so much about grooming. It’s more about testing and adapting. Magicians are experts at deception. And so are abusers. For both, it’s about testing people, reading them, feeling them out, and knowing which techniques work best for each individual. Once a deceiver knows how this all works, they don’t need to slowly groom someone along. They simply test each of us, then use whatever techniques are best suited for us. Below is one example of how Apollo Robbins exploits this woman’s confidence. And watch how quickly he does it:

I am not knocking our current training here. What I am saying is that I’m hopeful for where our research is headed. There is so much to explore and learn when it comes to deception and the testing techniques abusers use. If we want to keep pace with abusers, we need to understand deception as good as they do. And that’s not going to happen if we keep assuming that abusers simply groom people into being abused. No–there’s so much more to what they do and I hope to link arms with more people who have the same desire to understand deception techniques.

Photo by Gareth Newstead on Unsplash

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Abusers become more brazen when they are suspected of abuse

Larry Nassar

Pedophile abusers are not intimidated by church policies or accountability partners and will not refrain from abusing kids simply because a handful of people are “keeping an eye” on them. When they are in the church, they are primed for abuse and will strike again. Churches have made a fatal theological mistake by not calling wolves by the proper name and this, in my opinion, is a leading reason why churches continue to be one of the most dangerous places for our youth. Churches mistakenly accept wolves as if they were sheep and give them exactly what they seek to devour. The Bible rightly distinguishes wolves from sheep because wolves are inherently intent on feasting on their prey. A wolf does not get better–he or she gets smarter. Wolves do not convert into sheep. They are, by nature, predators and predators blend in to the flock of prey exceptionally well. 

Peter says, “They count it pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you” (2 Peter 2:13 ESV). Peter never has a nice, forgiving, or accommodating word for them. Never does he talk about reconciliation; never does he refer to these false preachers as “brothers.” Quite the opposite. Peter says, “What the true proverb says has happened to them: ‘The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire'” (2 Peter 2:22). 

What about Paul? Is he any softer in his approach? Not even close! Paul says that they are “reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people” (2 Timothy 3:4, 5). In the very next sentence Paul says that they “creep into households” and capture weak (vulnerable) women who are “burdened with sins and led astray by various passions.” Importantly, Paul doesn’t prescribe religious community to bring these impostors to repentance or to hold them accountable. Instead he warns Timothy and recommends Christians in the Ephesian church avoid them! Why? Because, according to Paul, “evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (2 Timothy 3:13). 

Surely Jesus, who died for mankind and told people to love their enemies and turn the other cheek, has more compassion on abusers who masquerade as righteous people? Jesus himself sternly warned, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruit. . . A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:15, 18-20).  

I find it extremely relevant that Jesus never asks us to pray for, encourage, heal, or embrace the false prophet who masquerades as a child of light. In fact, no author of the Bible does. Rather, we find a trove of passages throughout the Bible–passages that have been conveniently ignored or glossed over–which tell us to warn others about oppressive, abusive, and deceptive people. Why should we warn and not encourage? Because impostors have evil intentions, they love to revel in the daytime, they are fueled by deception, and they will always go from bad to worse. 

After my own dad was exposed as an abuser, I had to deconstruct all the twisted theology I’d been taught my whole life. It takes an incredible amount of humility and honesty to admit that much of what we thought we knew about God could be flawed. But I wanted to know what God had to say about evil in light of his justice and, particularly, what he says about deception. The vast majority of churches I’ve come into contact with re-frame deception as “stumbling,” “getting caught up in sin,” etc. and argue that the Bible implores us to embrace all sinners and reintegrate them into the fold. The sheer irony is that seldom is this same principle applied to victims of child sexual abuse (or abuse of any kind). Clearly we need more accurate training in our seminaries. 

I have studied pedophiles and their deception techniques a lot. Actually, that’s an understatement. I’ve lived and breathed it for the past seven years. The more I observe, the more I realize that the Bible speaks with precision when it comes to deception and that impostors, unlike other sinners, are always calculated, intentional, and purposely intend to intimidate and inflict harm on innocent victims. Impostors really do revel in the daytime. They thrive on the adrenaline rush they get from oppressing the innocent and vulnerable. They love using religious speak and sound very convincing. And they always go on from bad to worse. I’ve waded through thousands of pages of documents and have spoken with hundreds of people trying to grasp the gravity of it all. I’ve asked pointed questions of pedophile offenders and the people who work beside them in prisons. 

And one thing that keeps capturing my attention is this: Abusers get a rush from getting caught abusing victims in plain sight. Some of you may know that my expertise is in deception and abuse in plain sight. I’ve written many posts about this and now collaborate with neuroscientists Dr. Stephen Macknik and Dr. Susana Martinez-Conde. Their data on visual illusions and what they’ve coined “sleights of mind” is earth-shattering, in my opinion. Their research on deception has opened up a whole new world for me and helped me unlock a host of ideas and concepts that were long floating around in my head. It’s well known that many abusers (possibly the majority of abusers) intentionally abuse their victims in plain sight of others. What’s not as well known is that they consciously use sophisticated techniques that they practice in order to hack belief systems and hold the adults’ spotlight of attention. Just like close up magic, these techniques are used to keep adults blind to the abuse that’s happening right in front of them. 

But there is an additional thrill that comes when they are caught. Several years ago, when discussing specific techniques used to abuse victims in plain sight of adults, my dad had this to say about getting caught: 

“If it all comes out, how would you prove any of this?  So nothing happens except the pedophile is now emboldened to explore more brazen abuses and win the acceptance/trust and secrecy of the child.”

I think the world was shocked in January when many victims and their parents described how Dr. Larry Nassar would digitally penetrate and massage the bare breasts of his victims as he was casually talking with the parents who were in the same room. The Bible says this type of impostor who revels in the daylight will go on from bad to worse. He had everyone fooled in spite of the many times he was reported. Nassar is an important case study because he is exactly the type of abuser that churches long to embrace. He masterfully fakes remorse and his abuse techniques are common to most abusers. His demeanor is kind, grandfatherly, and respectful. He convincingly appeared to be broken over the uncovering of his sins at Judge Aquilina’s sentencing. But I wasn’t buying his facade for a second. I know that abusers like Larry Nassar thrive on abuse in plain sight. I also believed that Nassar was like the typical abuser my dad described in countless letters to me from prison. So I did some research. 

I discovered that Nassar was in fact caught many times. And each time he was caught, with the exception of the final interrogation in 2016, Larry Nassar responded exactly how my dad described abusers in his letter–it only emboldened him to explore more brazen abuses and win the acceptance/secrecy of the child. The following is a case-in-point with a victim named in a suit as Jane C. Doe. Nassar had a medical assistant in the room who asked him where his hand was as he was digitally penetrating his victim. It did not deter Nassar in the least. In fact, he dismissed the assistant from the room and continued to penetrate his victim:

Larry Nassar

Over the years, several little girls reported that Nassar had touched them in a way that was not right. It made them very uncomfortable, caused physical pain, and even urinary tract infections. One victim, named Larissa Boyce, told coach Kathie Klages about the abuse. Klages, who was later indicted herself, brushed it off and told Larissa that she was mistaken, that Larry was a “good friend.” If you believe, like I once believed, that a little girl reporting to another coach would make an abuser like Nassar nervous, you would be wrong. The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire. Evil people and impostors go on from bad to worse. Here is what happened the next time Larissa was sent back to Larry Nassar for “treatment” after reporting to Klages: 

The next time she went to visit Larry, he closed the door, pulled up a stool, sat down, and looked at her. “So,” he said, “I talked to Kathie.”

source

The abuse continued. Many argue that I’m unfair to abusers “who have a past” and that once they spent time in prison we have no business “airing their dirty laundry” to the church. But I’ve waded through hundreds of pages of documents just on Larry Nassar alone. He did this over and over again, victim after helpless victim. When he suspected or knew that a victim told on him, the abuse always intensified and progressed to more blatant techniques in front of their parents.  This is not unique to Larry Nassar. It’s what abusers do. There’s a thrill of the hunt, but there’s a bigger thrill of getting caught and talking their way out of it. 

This is why I will never recommend a church create limited contact agreements (aka “accountability covenants”) for convicted pedophiles who were released from prison. Never assume that prison somehow transformed them, or broke them down, or that they are not skilled enough to find a way to abuse a child right in front of your eyes. 

When I watched the Nassar sentencing live, I cheered Judge Aquilina on when she read part of Nassar’s letter. Nassar had just read his statement to his victims and he said that hearing his victims “has shaken me to my core.” Again, I wasn’t buying it, and neither was Judge Aquilina. I’ve seen this dog-and-pony act that abusers give to churches when they are released from prison. They are incredibly convincing with their words, body posture, and crocodile tears.  Yet the Bible demands that we beware. God’s word tells us that deceivers and impostors are waterless mists, born for destruction, and they revel in the daytime while they feast with you. 

After Nassar’s apology to his victims, Judge Aquilina read part of Nassar’s letter that he wrote a couple months prior. She said, “The reason I’m going to do that (read parts of the letter) is because I’ve considered it in sentencing as an extension of your apology, and whether I believe it or not.” Nassar berated the Attorney General, the Federal Judge, Judge Aquilina, and even the victims when he claimed “what I did in the state cases was all medical, not sexual. . . The media convinced them (victims) that everything I did was wrong and bad. They feel I broke their trust. Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.” 

In a recent interview with TODAY, Hoda Kotb asked Judge Aquilina, “Do you think it registered to him that he did something wrong?” Judge Aquilina immediately answered, “No. That’s why there’s the meme of me tossing the letter. I tossed it because there’s a bunch of junk in there and the primary problem I have with the letter is that he still thinks he’s a doctor and he still thinks he was performing medical (treatment).” 

I beg church leaders to study this. Read the court dockets. Listen to Nassar’s victims as they recount the trauma and pain. Listen to Nassar’s lame apology, and listen to the letter he wrote a couple months prior. Then ask yourself if you think he’s remorseful now that he’s in prison, if he’s haunted by what he has done to hundreds, if not thousands of victims. Remember that Nassar learned that one of his victims committed suicide and he heard another victim, Kyle Stephens, describe how she lost her father to suicide because of the abuse. 

Nassar was not remorseful on the day of sentencing and he is not remorseful now. In fact, he already appealed his sentence three times since January! This is what wolves do. Nassar appealed. Sandusky appealed. Jared Fogle appealed. Bill Cosby appealed. My own father appealed just two weeks ago. Pick any abuser. They are entitled. They believe the system is rigged and they will do whatever it takes to get out of prison so they can go back into our churches where they will be embraced and protected. I will say it till I’m blue in the face–keeping an eye on abusers is not effective. If abusers can full on molest victims in front of trained medical staff, be questioned on it, and return to abusing the same victim seconds later, believe when I say that an accountability covenant won’t deter them. Extra windows on doors won’t deter them. We need to realize that abusers are wolves, and our theology of warning and protecting others needs to match it. 

I strongly believe that we need to focus our attention on learning and understanding specific techniques abusers use to abuse their victims in plain sight. These wolves are banking on our ignorance. They expect to be able to talk themselves out of it because most of us would never believe that someone could molest a child within inches of us without our seeing it. It sounds absurd. And the abusers know it.

It’s important to note that what finally made Nassar crumble was when Rachael Denhollander, one of Nassar’s victims, took the time to study Nassar’s abusive techniques juxtaposed with proper pelvic floor treatment. Though she didn’t necessarily study the techniques Nassar used to keep her mother blind to the abuse, she was thorough in her research of pelvic floor techniques. She did her homework and armed the police with enough information that they could begin, for the first time ever, to poke holes in Nassar’s explanation of his fake methodology. Rachael said: 

“And I brought with me to those reports, my medical records showing that Larry had never charted penetrative techniques. I brought medical records from a nurse practitioner documenting my graphic disclosure of abuse way back in 2004. 
“I had my journals showing the mental anguish I had been in since the assault, a catalog of national and international medical journal articles showing what real pelvic floor treatment looks like. I brought a letter from a neighboring district attorney vouching for my character and truthfulness and urging detectives to take my case seriously.”

If we are going to ever stand a chance of detecting deception, we must begin with studying it. Another important step is to have a proper theology where we name wolves and warn congregations that they are near. The Bible instructs us to warn others and to avoid wolves, not because it is archaic and judgmental. Rather, the Bible expects us to tap into wisdom and to use discernment so that we can recognize when impostors have crept in among us. Children will never stand a chance if we fail to identify wolves and keep them at bay. 

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Not So Fast: Being in the same room as children doesn’t prevent abuse and here’s why

Blindfold

Not all abuse happens in isolation. In fact, believe it or not, much of it happens directly in front of us. Consider the most recent public account with Dr. Larry Nassar. He abused many of his hundreds of victims as he casually carried on conversations with their parents. Rachael Denhollander, the first victim of Nassar’s to publicly come forward by name, recently described what was going on in that doctor’s office:

She reviewed Nassar’s training videos and PowerPoints with MSU investigators, pointing out where “Nassar would have the same hand placement during her appointments with him so [her mother] would have been able to see the external massage but … [not] that Nassar’s other hand was under the towel penetrating her vagina and/or rectum,” the report says.(1).

What Nassar did was not unique or uncommon to abusers. I’ve personally spoken with hundreds of survivors who have told me that they were abused in the same room as adults, and often while their abuser was speaking with some of those adults. Most of us falsely believe that this is impossible, or that somehow these adults are oblivious, ignorant, or negligent. Experts in the field of abuse speak about the abuse of children in front of others in terms of “control and power.” But that’s only a fraction of the equation and it tells us nothing about how they actually successfully pull it off time after time.

Getting away with abuse in plain sight has to do with how our human brains are wired and how abusers, like magicians, learn to hack them. According to neuroscientists Dr. Susana Martinez-Conde and Dr. Stephen Macknik, our “reality” is based on what we expect to see, hear, feel, and think. Whether it is intuitive or learned by some other method, abusers know this and they are masters at shaping–even creating–our reality through multiple layers of their specific techniques.

I had the honor of sitting at the feet of Drs. Macknik and Marinez-Conde while they presented demonstrations of how our brains miss seeing actions that happen directly in front of our eyes. For the first time, we will be peering deeper into the human brain to understand better how and why abusers develop these sophisticated techniques.

Too often organizations are confident they are doing a good job of preventing abuse by increasing awareness, conducting background checks, and by implementing the “two deep” rule, where at least two adults are present with children at all times. The problem with this is that it doesn’t matter whether there are two or two hundred adults in the same room as children. Abusers know what to look for in us and they routinely abuse children and other adults in plain sight.

The following video is part 1 of a 2 part series in understanding what it is about us that makes us blind to abusive actions that are happening within inches of us. Part 2 will be released very soon.

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Why sexual abuse goes unnoticed

Hidden abuse

Nobody wants to think they would ignore the signs of abuse. But they do. I did. Some always will. Abusers do not always isolate children to molest them. The world was shocked as survivor after survivor explained that Larry Nassar would penetrate their vaginas without gloves, for up to 40 minutes at a time, while their parents were in the same room just feet away. He would whisper in their ears, “How does this feel?” As I listened to an army of brave survivors describe how Nassar abused them in front of adults, I was not shocked in the least. My father is a pedophile. I wrote him a letter a couple years ago asking if there was anything that consistently surprised him all of the times he successfully molested children. He wrote back from prison, “The one thing that always surprised me is how easy it was to fool adults. Oftentimes, after abusing kids right in front of them, I had to pinch myself and ask, ‘Are these adults really this stupid?'” I’ve personally listened to countless survivors tell me how often their abusers would molest them in front of adults. All of them have wondered, “Why did nobody protect me from my abuser?”

All of my research began to focus on what techniques abusers use to molest children in open spaces. As the son of a pedophile, I obsessed over the fact that we all missed it with my father. I was one of those adults who didn’t protect kids from their abuser–my father. But I genuinely did not recount a single time where I remembered him abusing them either. I learned that pedophiles are not just manipulative. They are literally using the same techniques magicians use to keep adults blind to the abuse. I was fascinated with this finding. I learned that, in order to see the abuse from pedophiles in real time, we need to stop looking for them and instead start looking for us! As Nassar molested his hundreds of victims and my father his dozens, how did they see those of us who were standing in the same room? How did they know that we were not catching on to them as they groped, caressed, and violated these children while looking at us? What were their exact techniques? I began growing increasingly frustrated with the “red flag behavior” that experts share about abusers. These signs are so generic that it tells us nothing about how abusers abuse and get away with it. By the time anyone notices “red flag behavior” it’s too late. Children have already been abused.

Should we assume, then, that parents and adults are just naive? Or that they don’t care? Rachael Denhollander gave a heart-stopping statement where she named victim after victim who told adults that they felt uncomfortable around Larry Nassar. Each and every time, the adults, including investigators, excused the abuse away. It’s inconceivable for most untrained people to believe that a child can be molested in the same room as an adult–especially a parent–and that adult not see it. So when children tell their stories, they are told that they must have “misunderstood” what really happened. Children who are molested, especially when their parents are nearby, have no understanding that the abuser is using very specific techniques to fool the adults into believing they’re not seeing the abuse. Rachael described brilliantly what every little child experiences when adults fail to protect: “As Larry was abusing me each time, I assured myself that it must be fine because I thought I could trust the adults around me.” Nassar knew that every one of these little girls was thinking this, and this is one of the reasons why it’s important for the pedophile to molest a child with their parent just feet away.

But again, should we assume that the adults don’t care? Kyle Stephen’s parents, who radically defended Nassar for years and repeatedly made Kyle apologize to Nassar, certainly cared. When Nassar had charges brought against him, Kyle’s father did what he could to make amends for not believing her. He was so riddled with guilt and shame for not believing his little girl that, in 2016, he committed suicide.

So why did hundreds, if not thousands, of adults fail these children, including their own parents who were in the same room as they were penetrated? While there certainly were some adults who didn’t care, we cannot assume that the majority of them just didn’t care. We’ve got to stop assuming that all adults don’t care and instead look at the techniques abusers use to keep us blind. I recently discovered a brilliant book by the husband-wife team of neuroscientists Macknik & Martinez-Conde called Sleights of Mind: What the Neuroscience of Magic Reveals About Our Everyday Deceptions. This book was my “aha!” moment. They say, “The spooky truth is that your brain constructs reality, visual or otherwise. What you see, hear, feel, and think is based on what you expect to see, hear, feel, and think. In turn, your expectations are based on all your prior experiences and memories.” Every word inside of this book juxtaposed with the hundreds of letters from prison by my father began to reveal a very clear picture. We are all incredibly “hackable” and abusers intuitively know it. I glossed over the apostle Paul’s words for years and now they jump off the page at me: “. . .evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (2 Timothy 3:13).

Magicians make a living off of hacking our belief system. They are masters at deception. They know what the audience expects to see, hear, feel and think. They hack our “want to believe system” and show us exactly what our brains expect to see, hear, feel, and think based on past experiences. Kyle Stephens’ parents wanted to believe the best in Nassar. Put another way, they didn’t want to believe that their 12 year old daughter had be sexually violated for 6 years by Nassar. He was a family friend. Larry Nassar knew this, hacked their belief system, and made it their new reality. When confronted by Kyle’s parents, Nassar was not nervous because he already knew exactly what conclusion they expected to hear from him. And he delivered the rehearsed response with eloquence. Kyle recounted what Nassar said in that meeting: “I listened to you tell me, ‘No one should ever do that. And if they do, you should tell someone.'” Nassar knew that making it appear as a “misunderstanding,” combined with the fact that the Stephens’ wanted to believe that “no one should ever do that” was a guarantee that his audience would latch on to this expectation and make it their new reality. The power of this technique can’t be overstated.

I see this happen over and over and over again. Church leaders, when presented with the facts, will choose to believe that the person they love and respect is not capable of abuse. Or that he is remorseful and repentant and will never do it again. It’s not that they don’t believe the child. It’s that they don’t want to believe the child. Abusers hack this belief system and make that a new reality for the church leaders. Leaders almost always soften their approach to the abuser when face to face with him in a confrontation. I’ve studied this phenomenon for the past 7 years. I began to get increasingly angry with church leaders who defended abusers at the expense of their victims. As a minister, I wanted to get into the minds of people like me from the perspective of an abuser. The abuser knows exactly what church leaders expect to see, hear, think, and feel–what they want to believe–and so he delivers. Every single time.

Until we start teaching people the specific techniques abusers use to keep others blind, we will never be able to prevent abuse effectively. When I train people, I do demonstrations. Seeing is believing and is way more powerful than another lecture on abuse. It’s a way to “pull someone up on stage” with the abuser–to allow my audience to see us the way abusers see us. A couple years ago I started doing a facility walk through where I demonstrate just how easy it is to exploit people, their belief systems, and their buildings. Last year I was asked to train staff at a Christian camp. I had 5 volunteers–none of whom were abuse survivors–and I asked if I could touch them in benign ways throughout the day to see if others on staff noticed the behavior. What stunned me was how blatantly I could touch them (hugs, petting hair, breaking them off from the rest of the group, etc.) and at first nobody noticed. The first encounter was an exaggerated hug with a volunteer. We counted 9 people who made eye contact with us. I later asked the group how many people saw me hug this male staff member. Only 2 said they saw anything and neither of them thought it odd that I was embracing one of their staff members right in front of them.

These techniques aren’t a checklist that I can put down into a blog. It’s something that people need to experience. And what I’m seeing is that once others know the techniques pedophiles use to abuse kids in front of us, they can see things in real time and intervene before the abuse happens. There is no reason why Nassar, or my father, or any other pedophile who uses sleights of mind, shouldn’t be intercepted and stopped before they can carry out these egregious and horrific crimes. The following video is one that forever changed the way I understand pedophiles. When I first watched this, I shouted at my computer, “That’s it!” Apollo Robbins’ question at the end is more prophetic than he knows: “If you could control someone’s attention, what would you do with it?”