Tag: sex abuse

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Take it from someone who reported abuse in the church: Get outside help

Bill Hybels

Since #MeToo and #ChurchToo have taken off, more and more abusers are being outed.  Many of those abusers are in positions of power at their churches.  The most recent story is with Willow Creek Community Church.    Just this week Steve Carter resigned, followed by lead pastor Heather Larson and the entire board of elders.  To say that the elders handled this whole process poorly from the beginning is an understatement.  They radically defended founder Bill Hybels from the first allegations, which did unspeakable damage to victims everywhere.  Frankly, abuse victims are fed up with churches that continually miss opportunities to side with the oppressed and instead choose to publicly defend and support the oppressors.  Survivors, both Christian and not, were watching and waiting, hoping Willow Creek would get this right.  Willow Creek failed and millions of survivors felt the sting all over again.  Elder Missy Rasmussen issued an overdue apology this week to the brave survivors who came forward, stating in part, “We have no reason to not believe any of you. We are sorry that our initial statements were so insensitive, defensive and reflexively protective of Bill.”

This post is not meant to critique the church’s initial and subsequent poor responses that led to all these resignations.  There are a number of reasons why well-intended churches keep getting their response wrong time and time again.  Nor is this post meant to gloat and say, “we told you so” when we see an entire leadership crumble like it did this week.  There are no wins when churches get it wrong.  When churches fail, survivors are hurt.  Victims who are currently being abused are invalidated, pushed further into the margins, and are almost guaranteed not to speak up for fear of being shamed or not believed.  And, tragically, genuine defenders of justice like Steve Carter and Heather Larson step down when they are exactly the ones who survivors need to stay.  I really just want to humbly share my experience seven years ago as a new minister who had to report an unlikely abuser in my church–my own father.  I did’t get everything right, but my decision to put my pride aside and listen to the voice of the victim who sat across from my desk was vital for her healing and for the protection of many more victims.

It was a sunny July Friday in 2011 and I was only 2 short years into my role as a full time minister when I got the call asking if I could meet with a young woman whom I deeply respect and admire.  She handed me a piece of paper and broke down in tears.  I was holding in my hands a piece of paper that described her abuse at the hands of my father from when she was just a young child.  That single piece of paper changed the course of my life forever.  I have always had a very close relationship with my father.  In fact, he preached at the same church I’m at for 27 years.  I went into ministry because of his example.  We’ve officiated weddings together, talked for hours at a time about the church, shared ideas about reaching out to our community, and I’ve always had the utmost respect for him.  Make no mistake, based on who I thought my father was up the point of that Friday meeting, her allegations came as a shocking and devastating blow.  Never had I suspected my own flesh and blood–my childhood hero–of molesting very young children.

Jimmy(R) and his dad(2nd R)

Yet there I sat with a sobbing victim and a piece of paper with clear allegations of abuse.  My entire life flashed in an instant.  He was the man who held my mother’s hand when I was born.  He was the man who taught me about God and life.  He was the one who encouraged me when everyone else told me I was stupid for going into ministry.  He taught me how to drive and brought me to take my exam.  Twice.  He was the one who gently informed me when one of my best friends was in an accident and passed away.  Everything I knew about the man was good and I could have easily chosen to believe that she was mistaken and he was innocent.  But I couldn’t ignore her cries and she had no reason to make up false allegations of that magnitude.  I remember attempting to gain my composure.  I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye, and said, “I believe you.  I have no idea what any of this is going to look like.  But one thing I know for sure–it stops now.”  

There was nothing inside of me that wanted to believe, though.  Believing meant that I had to report my own father to the police.  It meant that there was a strong possibility that there would be more victims in my church.  It meant that the innocent, happy days of ministering to a joyful, innocent church were short lived.  It meant that there would be a possibility of my dad spending the rest of his life in prison.  The questions without answers were endless.  Hope seemed like an ambiguous fairy tale.  The fear of what awaited my family and my church was crippling.  I was grasping to know who my real father was.  I was angry at my God for not protecting his little children.  I had every emotion known to man hit me in a span of about ten minutes.  It’s impossible to put into adequate words what was going on inside my mind and body at that moment.

An hour after receiving the worst news of my life, I was at a wedding rehearsal for one of our church members whose wedding I was officiating.  I felt like I’d been swept along by a tsunami only to emerge into a parallel universe where people were celebrating the happiest day of their life.  The next day I struggled through the wedding, which my dad attended.  The following day I preached to my congregation, which my dad also attended.  The next day my mom and I were in the police station reporting my father.  It probably sounds strange, but at the time I felt like a Judas.  As dumb as it sounds now, there was a part of me then that felt like somehow I was ruining his life.  I wanted so badly to wake up and find out that it had all been a dream.  But each new morning brought with it the reality that this was in fact more of a living nightmare.  

My religious tribe does not have a governing body like most denominations.  Each church is autonomous in its leadership structure.  Because my congregation was small, we had no elders or deacons at the time so I really didn’t have any other leaders to share this burden with.  I was the only person in an official leadership position.  My wife and I had endless conversations about who we would tell and when.  We found out quickly that he’d confessed to many victims and the worst was yet to come.  My dad, not knowing I was the one who turned him in, told me the names of his victims a few days before his arrest.  Several of them were young children from my church.  In a feeble attempt to step into the shoes of the families, my wife and I decided that, if it was our child, we would want to hear about it from our minister before the police knocked on our door.  I happened to be their minister and the abuser happened to be my own father.  My wife and I made the short drive to their house and, through tears and audible gasps for breath, I told them that their children had been molested by my father.  

It was a few weeks later until he was arrested.  Every agonizing day that passed meant we were one day closer to announcing to my church that their former minister, my father, was being arrested for molesting dozens of children.  It was a Friday when the detective called me.  The call was short, to the point, and she graciously gave me the call as a courtesy: “Jimmy, we have your dad in custody.  It will be in the papers Monday and the story won’t be nice.  Now is the time to tell your church.  Protect your family the best you can.  I’m so sorry.”  

My wife and I prepared a written statement that I would read to my church that Sunday.  Though I did not save that letter, I remember the content fairly well.

Dear brothers and sisters,

This weekend my dad was arrested for molesting dozens of children.  Initially a victim disclosed to me and my mom and I made a police report.  He has since confessed to molesting dozens of children over a span of several decades.  We are working with police to ensure we are certain who all of his victims are.  I know what every parent is asking right now and I beg you all not to speculate or gossip for the sake of his victims.  If you have any questions, please talk to me or the police directly.  There is no question that is off limits to ask me at this point.  I may not have answers to those questions immediately, but I will do my very best to find out.  This has been a devastating blow to this church and my family.  I’m so sorry for the pain that my father has caused us all.  I promise to continue to minister to this congregation as long as I am able, but I ask for your patience and grace as we wade through this.  I also ask that we all work together as a family to bring healing to those who’ve been injured and to figure this out so that it never happens again.  

Were it not for my incredible wife, my mom, family members, and a few close friends who offered advice and support from the very beginning, things would have turned out differently.  I spent countless hours weeping, praying, and seeking advice from the people closest to me.  I never shut people out or acted as if I could turn a few Bible pages to get a clear answer for how to handle these allegations.  Church leaders, hear me loud and clear–when allegations of abuse arise seek outside help.  Seek the wisdom from people who have it.  Don’t rally around the accused because you are friends with him or her and you think you know them well.  Don’t minimize the allegations even if they don’t sound very serious at the time.  Unlike seven years ago, there are invaluable resources out there today.  There is no excuse not to seek outside help from people who specialize in cases of sexual or physical abuse.  There are resources out there.  Find them and don’t be stingy with your time or financial resources when it comes to getting help.

There are several of us who offer specialized consulting.  Sometimes you may have to seek an independent investigation.  Never investigate abuse internally.  Know mandated reporting laws.  Be prepared to go against the rest of your leadership group.  They may decide not to report a case of abuse or to tell the church about an abusive person.  If you’re mandated to report, report it anyway regardless of whether the rest of the leaders want you to or not.  If it means you will lose your position or job, be prepared to lose it.  I once responded to a minister who did not want to report his “very best friend” for fear of losing his job: “Jesus tells us to lay down our lives for one another.  You’re not even willing to lay down your job.”  Until we have people who stand up and do the right thing no matter the personal cost, the cesspool of abuse will continue in the church and the devil will win.  Take it from someone who’s been there–reporting someone you love is terrible.  There is no glamour in protecting the innocent from wolves.  It’s not fun and it’s certainly not easy.

But when we do, we honor Christ and his church.  We give a voice back to those whose voices have been stolen.  When we stand up for the innocent and vulnerable we demonstrate that abuse won’t be tolerated and we pave the way for healing.  We now have elders at my congregation who take abuse very seriously.  We’ve made radical changes, have worked to train our members, and have a solid protection policy in place. 

I close with this story that is one of the most powerful moments since this all happened, and one that makes all of my efforts to speak up worth it.  I conducted a local training on abuse a few years ago and the father of some of my dad’s young victims came as a speaker.  I showed up early to get things set up and the father arrived with his children whom I’d never met–a group of young sisters who were all victims of my father.  He introduced me to them this way: “Kids, this is Jimmy. . . . (long pause and deep breath). . . Hinton.  This is the man who stopped his dad from doing all those horrible things to you.”

They all looked up at me, came over, and hugged me.  The oldest daughter, through tears, looked up at me and said, “Thank you.”  Those two words are words that I cherish and will hold close to my heart until I die.  Fellow leaders, we won’t get everything right.  None of us ever do.  But we need to be humble and honest with ourselves and others.  When we don’t know the best avenue for handling allegations of abuse, we better pick up the phone and call someone who does.

  

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Are your kids safe from sexual predators at school?

abuse in school

I write and speak a lot about child sexual predators in the church because abuse in the church is an epidemic. There is another reality that needs addressed–our kids spend a lot of time at school. In fact, not including bus rides or any after school sports or programs, my daughter spends 1,215 hours each school year at her school. Compare that to the 54 hours she spends a year at church.

Our children will each log 15,795 hours by the time of their graduation in our school district. Put another way, if we began a stopwatch and let it run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, that clock would run for 658 days for each child. That’s a lot of time spent in the care of adults who are responsible for our children’s safety. Statistically speaking, our children are exposed to child predators for far more hours during school hours than they ever will be at church.

There are 3.6 million teachers in the US and all statistics I’ve read regarding sexual abuse of minors are climbing dramatically. A recent Washington Examiner article says this: “Pedophilia in the U.S. is “unprecedented” and has reached an almost “epidemic level,” according to assistant director of the FBI’s Criminal Investigative Division Joseph Campbell.” The outlook for our kids’ safety at school is dire. Statistically speaking, our children are far more likely to experience sexual abuse by a teacher than encountering an active shooter. A close friend of mine said to me a week ago, “Did you know that the small school district where I work had five arrests in one school year for teachers who had sex with minors? Five!” Yet we don’t have groups of people establishing meetings with our president and demanding better protective laws against sexual predation.

I did a Google search just now–“School teacher arrested.” Four articles published today of school teachers came up right away. A 35 year old male middle school teacher arrested for sexual contact with a child under the age of 13. He recorded girls with an iPad as he asked them to do hand stands and back bends. He lifted others up and put them in trash cans. A female teacher arrested for sex with an 18 year old male student. A 50 year old male teacher arrested for sex with minor students. A 43 year old science teacher arrested for having sex with a 17 year old student. This is not imagined. Statistics show a very alarming trend of sex abuse among teachers on the rise.

Hogan Injury published an article titled The School’s Responsibility to Children. The article says, “The school is supposed to be the second home for your children. You send your child to school because they need to learn things that will help them grow up to be knowledgeable adults; but aside from this, you willingly send them because you believe your child will be safe and taken care of when they get there. You think that the experienced personnel and staff of the school will be able to do more than teach your child, they will also be able to keep them safe from harm. Regrettably, this is not always the case.”

Schools are getting better at reporting abuse but in many respects are failing miserably at preventing it. I will follow up with some articles that talk about tangible things we parents can do to demand better training, policies, and action at our children’s schools. I also recommend listening to the Speaking Out on Sex Abuse Podcast where my mother, Clara Hinton, and I explore techniques abusers use.

Until then, to answer the question, “Are your kids safe at school?” my answer is. . . not as safe as they used to be.

 

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Dear Church: Stop trying to convert wolves

Wolf

There was a recent article published at The Gospel Coalition titled Beware of Broken Wolves. While I appreciate the notion that we need to beware of wolves, this idea that wolves are broken is something that has permeated the church and has no biblical basis. We have spoken to dozens of churches in recent months and I can assure you that the vast majority of them are sympathetic to the wolves who are child rapists (this is not to suggest that only child rapists are wolves; more about this in the next post). I recently wrote about churches defending child rapists here. “We need to gently restore this brother” is the mantra of the day. It’s become so predictable that we expect this phrase to roll off the lips of church leaders as blood and flesh are dripping from the wolf’s. We have grown weary of churches who want to nurture the wolves back to “health.” The root of the problem is that church leaders don’t really think in terms of sheep and wolves. They are thinking like sheep, so they assume that wolves are really just broken sheep who can repent and come back to the sheep pen. They are not. They are wolves. Genuine wolves. Wolves do not convert into sheep. They disguise themselves as sheep. This is a crucial difference. What church leaders overlook is how wolves are described in Scripture and, most importantly, that Jesus and his disciples never spoke to their conversion or repentance.

Jesus used word pictures to drive his points home. He used parables and metaphors to describe the Gospel. He used images that connected the brain to the heart and moved people to action. When he was on a rural mountain, he told his disciples to “beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves” (Matthew 7:15 ESV). He was in sheep country. It’s likely that there were sheep grazing within eyesight of the disciples as Jesus was preaching this very lesson. No shepherd would have heard these words and thought Jesus was calling them to be gentle, kind, or understanding of a wolf. Shepherds didn’t sit wolves down and say, “What pain is in your life to make you like this?” In fact, in this context Jesus didn’t speak of pain at all. He spoke in terms of fruit! “You will recognize them by their fruit. . . the diseased tree bears bad fruit.” He shifts images from a wolf to a tree. Does God’s justice require the wolves to turn their hearts and become sheep, or the bad trees to become good trees? No! In fact, Jesus’ words are chilling: “Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:19, 20). There was never a plea to rescue them from the flames, like we find in Jude 1:23. A clear distinction was made between sinners and wolves.

In John 10, Jesus describes himself as the Good Shepherd who is the door for the sheep. Those who enter by way of the door will find pasture. What about the wolf? Does Jesus call him a “brother?” Does he speak about his or her pain? Let’s listen to His words, “The thief only comes to steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10). Is Jesus clear enough? This is who they are. Though they deceive and disguise themselves as sheep, they are not sheep. They never were. Their diabolic mission, their very identity is to seek sheep to devour. They have no interest in repentance.

We also have the tendency to apply “wolf” to people in the church who cause division. Not all people who cause division are wolves. Some people are like wrecking balls and they are so ignorant they don’t even know it. Others are well intentioned but still manage to run people off. When the Bible describes wolves, it’s not describing what they do. It’s describing who they are. I grew up in a very conservative church where anybody who taught doctrine that wasn’t in line with our tradition was labeled a “wolf.” I received a letter after guest preaching once where I was described as a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” by a youth minister from one of the extreme right schools in the Churches of Christ. Wolves are not, however, other Christians with whom we disagree. Wolves are not “brothers” or “sisters” who got caught up in sin either. Wolves are what they are. They are wolves. They are diabolic. They crave the flesh of innocent lambs. And they will do anything to kill and destroy the souls of people.

Contrast the descriptions and responses that I hear when I work with churches who have child rapists with the truths of the Bible. Here are the things I hear most often:

He’s a pillar of the community
This man is one of my best friends
I believe he genuinely loves the Lord
We are willing to do whatever it takes to help guide him back to the Lord
We want him to be surrounded with love
The Lord expects us to forgive
The Lord hates the sin and loves the sinner
Everyone has abandoned him, it’s our duty to rally around him
He’s been a member of this church for 30 years
Nobody is beyond redemption
The Lord’s grace is sufficient

Here are some of the things the Bible says about wolves and false prophets who, by the way, are false teachers because their goal is to ultimately destroy the souls of God’s children:

The wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience (Eph 5:6)
Evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived (2 Tim 3:13)
Secretly bring in destructive heresies
Irrational animals, creatures of instinct
Born to be caught and destroyed
They count it pleasure to revel in the daytime
They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you
They have eyes full of adultery, insatiable for sin
They entice unsteady souls
They have hearts trained for greed
Accursed children!
Following the way of Balaam, the son of Beor, who loved gain from wrongdoing
Waterless springs and mists driven by a storm
For them the gloom of utter darkness is reserved
They entice by sensual passions of the flesh those who are barely escaping from those who live in error
The dog returns to its own vomit
The sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire (all the above from 2 Peter 2)

Make no mistake. Genuine wolves derive pleasure in inflicting harm on innocent souls, and the most effective way to do this is to do it in the name of Jesus. Why do we fail to see what’s already clearly laid out in the Bible? I will follow up with a blog post or two giving us practical things that we can actually do to identify who the real wolves are and how we protect the flock from them.

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Some Good News About Abuse!!

It’s so easy to get discouraged. All you have to do is turn on the local news or read a local paper. Even in our little town, stories of abuse abound. . . . and abound, and abound even more. Every few weeks, a name appears who I know personally. Here’s the bad news–these stories that appear on the news every day only include the abusers who got caught. For every abuser who appears in the paper, there are 10 more out there abusing scores of children unhindered.

OK, enough of the depressing news. The great news is that more and more survivors of abuse are being empowered to speak out and find healing, thanks to some wonderful people with huge hearts. And I predict this pattern is going to continue to emerge. There is strength in numbers, and more and more survivors are fed up with living in the shadows of their abusers. There are ministries being born out of conviction. I’m happy to see the work that my friend Angela Williams is doing over at Voice Today. As a survivor of child sex abuse herself, Angela has courageously placed herself in a vulnerable position to help others heal from their abuse while training others to prevent abuse.

James 1:12 (ESV) says, “Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.” I don’t say this lightly–anyone who is in the fight against Satan’s attack on the human soul will come under trial. Satan does not like healing and will do everything to discourage and deceive. I am proud that Angela and many other friends are fighting this fight along side us, in spite of the trials.

My good friend Les Ferguson, Jr. is another one of those faithfully fighting this battle. Les will be keynoting Angela’s Standing In the Gap Prayer Breakfast on November 1st in Marietta, GA. If you have not heard his story, you need to. Les is such an encouragement to so many. Please consider being a part of this event, whether you are able to attend or not. Angela will have survivors telling their stories of healing. There will be prayer, tears, and a lot of love at this event.

Dr. Bruce Wilkinson (Prayer of Jabez) will be speaking in the evening at Emory University. Please consider supporting this wonderful effort and be encouraged that more and more people are joining forces to combat and prevent abuse!

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Exploited Children in Churches and How Our Denial Fuels Abuse

Surprisingly, I had never heard of the televangelist sensation Todd Bentley until a friend of mine showed me an outrageous Youtube video (thanks, John!). Known as the “BAM, BAM, BAM” faith healer with hundreds of thousands of followers”1, Todd is known for outrageous claims and violence on stage.

Though I believe that Todd is an embarrassment to Christianity and everything that Jesus stands for, the purpose of this blog is not to poke fun at Pentecostals. There are plenty of genuine Pentecostal/Charismatic believers who openly distance themselves from Todd and others. The purpose is, however, to generally demonstrate how easy it is for people to be blinded, manipulated, and groomed into believing the unbelievable while denying the reality of sexual abuse.

I admit that I am, as millions of other viewers are, intrigued with Todd Bentley. It is easy to get sucked into his videos because of the entertainment and shock value. But I have a tendency to profile nearly everyone and the more I watched Mr. Bentley, the more I began to see major red flags common to pedophiles–narcissism, the ability to quickly groom a crowd and gain trust, intentionally and unapologetically crossing boundaries (there is a video of Todd kicking a man with stage 4 colon cancer in the gut and the man falls over in pain), offering unwanted rewards, too helpful, too eager to be around children, too aggressive when confronted, too good to be true, etc.

It didn’t take but a few minutes to find that Todd has a dark past and has spent time in prison as a juvenile for sexually assaulting a 7 year old boy. “They were sexual crimes,” Bentley admits. “I was involved in a sexual assault ring. I turned around and did what happened to me. I was assaulted too.” “I don’t like to talk about it publicly because it would hurt [my ministry],” he concedes. “I don’t whip it out in the newspapers or on TV because people will go ‘Whaaa?’ I’ll say ‘I was in prison, period. Let’s move on.’”2 It is subtle and most people miss it, but narcissists begin most statements with “I.” Not only that, but when Todd speaks, the focus is all about Todd. “I” don’t like to talk about it. It would hurt “my” ministry. Sounds like a repentant sinner. . . or does it? Contrast him with King David, a truly remorseful sinner: “For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me. I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin” (Psalm 38:17-18 ESV). Never mind, though, that a 7 year old boy has to live the rest of his days with the shame and guilt that “you” placed on him Mr. Bentley. We wouldn’t want that to get in the way of your ministry.

The fact that Todd admits “I turned around and did what happened to me” would turn the head of every professional psychologist who works with pedophiles, and it should church leaders as well. That fact is vital for public disclosure, since adult pedophiles, who were themselves molested as children more than 50 times, begin assaulting others at a much younger age (Todd Bentley was 14 when he assaulted the 7 year old) and they commit well over 100 more acts of abuse as non-abused molesters (Gene Abel, The Stop Child Molestation Book, pg. 321). Todd admits that he was part of a sexual assault ring, which implies this was not a one time event that happened to him. If Todd was abused more than 50 times, and if he had objective testing by a sex-specific therapist showing that he is sexually attracted to children, he is by clinical definitions a potential lethal weapon to children. But he will never submit to testing, nor will any church demand he be tested. Mr. Bentley, who divorced his wife in 2008 following an inappropriate relationship with his current wife, says that the subject of his past sexual assaults on children is “dead and buried to me.”3

Surely this stance is unacceptable to people who look up to Todd, right? When pastor Denny Cline of Albany, OR, who happens to consider himself a “spiritual son” of Todd Bentley, was asked about Todd’s past abuse with children, he replied, “I don’t think he told me that, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered in regards to what he is doing now, and the person that he is now…If he’s paid his debt to society and God’s forgiven him of everything, then who am I not to forgive?” “4

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway? To who? To the multiple young boys I’ve seen in Youtube videos with Bentley wrapping his grubby arms around them on stage as he nonchalantly caresses their shoulders? Should it matter to their parents who either blindly, like pastor Cline and God TV 5, ignore the fact that Bentley has a past of sexual assaults on a young boy, or who don’t know because Bentley insists on hiding it?

We parents and church leaders further exploit children by denying that abuse is going on in the churches. Children are extremely susceptible to suggestion, vulnerable, and malleable. Before blindly shoving our children into the hands of trusted church leaders, we ought to ask very hard questions and demand transparency. I close with a disturbing clip of Chris Harvey, a friend of Todd Bentley who put on quite the show when visiting Bentley at a Florida revival, tapping into the susceptibility of very young children. Shame on us when people like this go unquestioned by others:

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How You Dress Your Child Matters. . .to Pedophiles

It’s still striking to me how many of my friends (un)knowingly post shirtless photos of their very young children on Facebook, making their children the object of gazing eyes of trolling pedophiles. Really, pictures of your young child bathing, swimming, or running around the house nude is not appropriate to display to hundreds of people. And for those who think that I’m exceedingly paranoid, just cruise Youtube for 30 seconds and you’ll find that there are countless channels dedicated entirely to snapshots and videos of (even very) young girls and boys which were stolen from Facebook accounts. Names of videos like these dominate Youtube:
Young hotties
Very young hotties dancing
Young cutie teen shaking her butt on cam
Collection of hot young pinay girls
Young hottie dancing (about 8 or 9 years old)
Young girl dancing with hot style
Facebook hot girls
Jailbait
Hot sexy girls self shots

What’s even more disturbing is how young girls have been endorsed by their parents to display themselves in public. With shrink-wrapped shorts and shirts which grossly display butt cheeks and cleavage, voyeurs don’t have to take to social media sites to have their imaginations stimulated. In fact, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and the like are all just bonuses to real life encounters. Unlimited, free still and video images are up for grabs and here’s the kicker. . . unless they are explicit images of underage children, it’s all legal. As one whose father is a convicted pedophile who is in prison for the rest of his life, I told him that I now educate people on how to protect their children from molesters like him. As a result, he has given me invaluable insight into (1)just how easy it is for molesters to offend, especially in Christian places where people are typically way too trusting of everybody and (2)how to protect children from abusers. His answers are not atypical from other molesters so instead of quoting him directly, I will paint commonalities among a sample of many offenders which I’ve gathered from books, training workshops, training videos, and further research about and conversations with pedophiles. Hopefully people will take heed and begin to take steps to protect their children.

Point #1–Porn steers people toward pedophilia, normalizes it, and accelerates the need to view harsher, cruder, and younger images. What’s frightening is how normalized, mainstream, and available porn has become. What’s more frightening is just how many are viewing it. Pornography drives the imagination and the imagination dumps fuel onto human desire, confusing the desire for more stimuli with the need for more. Porn also blurs the line between fantasy and reality. Philip Jenkins, author of Beyond Tolerance: Child Pornography on the Internet notes that pornographers quickly learned that by falsely offering child pornography sites, they have captured a huge audience with which they are gaining massive profits. Though the females are 18 or older, Jenkins rightly notes that “countless ‘adult’ images portray grown women as schoolgirls or with shaved pubic hair. While the patrons of adult magazines or Web sites would be appalled to be told they had anything in common with the loathed pedophiles, some of the psychological stimuli are related. . . those interested in child pornography might not be so far removed from the ‘normal’ population. The gulf with normality is all the narrower when the materials in question involve young teenagers” (p. 30).

Viewing pornographic images, including child pornographic images, in public schools is nothing new and is actually quite common. A friend of mine works IT at a public school and, though there is a substantial firewall in place, pornographic images are accessed very often by staff and students. Donald Cherry, a 27 year old history teacher in Tulsa, had three students aged 14-16 catch him looking at pornography. When the students asked to see the images again, Cherry allowed them to view the porn. He was eventually caught and the investigation revealed 8 pictures of child porn on his computer. At his sentencing, Cherry said, “I’m very big into escapism and leaving reality behind” (Pamela Paul, Pornified, p. 177). The reality, Mr. Cherry, is that those graphic images of children in compromised poses were really taken by some pervert who exploited the innocence of those children for your “escapism.”

It is no secret that porn is constantly pushing the limits on what is “normal.” Children who enter the porn industry at 18 are being made to look younger and younger and are forced to do more and more. Hardcore lewd sex acts such as anal penetration, double penetration, gangbangs, ATMs (ass to mouth), transgender sex, sadism, homosexuality, and bestiality are leaving less and less to the imagination for casual viewers. It’s no wonder tens of thousands of men are suffering from erectile disorders in real life and are forcing their sexual partners to perform the same lewd acts they see on their monitors, including making them shave pubic hair and dress up as schoolgirls (Ibid, 211-238). But don’t take my word for it. In the words of a pedophile, “If you want to cut the snake off at the head, address the pornography issue.” And so I do.

Point #2–Fantasy, especially masturbatory fantasy, sustains molesters’ momentum. I will address the dress code for your children in the next point, but it cannot be emphasized enough that constant fantasy motivates and drives the molester. A couple months ago I was in Michigan visiting my in-laws. Our 3 year old daughter loves to ride carousels, so we have a tradition of going to the mall and letting her ride with Grandma and Grandpa. I watch people. An older man looked out of place and could not take his eyes off the carousel. Every time a certain young child went around (thankfully it was not my daughter or I may be in jail), he became fixated on her. When she got off, the next group came on. Same thing. I quickly learned that he preferred girls about 8 years old with long dark hair, tight shorts, and dark complexion. Every time. We left the mall and came back a couple hours later. My daughter wanted to ride the carousel one more time. This same creep was in the same spot watching and fantasizing about his next victim. I reported him to the operator and she said, “I didn’t notice until you told me, but that same guy was here for several hours last night.” She called security on him. What we may view as innocent, the pedophile manipulates, fantasizes about, and masturbates to the images he has stored in his mind. Be aware of who is gazing upon your children at all times.

Though this video is dated, it shows that imagination plays a huge role in pedophiles. Here, they act out their fantasies with children in a virtual playground:

Point #3–How you dress your child matters. . . to the pedophile. Most of us don’t give a 2nd thought to how we dress our very young children. We’re just glad to get them out the door without any major meltdowns! But molesters will tell you that how you dress your child plays a significant role in whether or not they will begin targeting your child for the grooming process. According to pedophiles, the following is what most likely will grab their attention (this includes children as young as infants). Cute sundresses, especially if underwear is exposed when they are playing. Tight clothing, including shirts and shorts. Anything that is revealing whatsoever. Done up hair, like cute braids or pig tails. This doesn’t mean you can never braid your kids’ hair. Just beware that by doing so your child is becoming more appealing to child molesters.

What will deter a molester? Loose fitted clothing. Plain hair. Jeans. If wearing a dress, let it be at least knee length and don’t allow underwear to be exposed. I would add NEVER post nude pictures of your young child on social websites and NEVER allow your child to post revealing pictures on their social pages. This includes “sexy” pictures in front of a mirror, swimsuit poses, etc. Though it’s not common, people have used geotags in photos to show up at strangers’ houses. But the point is that thousands of Facebook and Twitter images are being trolled for every day by pedophiles. They steal, copy, and distribute pictures of your child without your ever knowing it. Be wise. Set your photos on Facebook to a private setting so that only friends can see your pictures. And don’t friend a bunch of random people you don’t personally know. To do so is to invite disaster.

Point #4–It is embarrassingly easy for molesters to groom and offend children. It does not have to be done in the quiet of the night, either. Quite often, children are abused in front of their parents and the parents have no idea. Watch the way other people touch your children. A good rule of thumb I have is, keep your gropy hands off my kid. I’ve read account after account of molesters who slip a hand inside a shirt or rub up against genitalia purposely in front of the child’s parents as a test (they are testing groomability of the child). The parents surprisingly don’t notice because they’re not looking for it. I do. I recently was visiting a church and was holding my daughter. An old man came up and as I was holding my daughter he kept poking his finger into her stomach. She obviously didn’t like it but he persisted. I almost lost it. I kept my composure but turned my back on him and made a rude comment that he heard. I don’t care. She is my daughter and I have a right obligation to protect her the best I know how. So do you.

**Editor’s Note** After I first published this blog, a good friend of mine who is also a therapist made some very valid points and I would like to clarify. I am not saying that, if you dress your child a certain way, he or she will become a victim of abuse. There are many types of offenders, from sadists (who are the minority), to grabbers (also a minority), to groomers (the majority), opportunists, etc. They carefully select the most vulnerable child and will molest them no matter what they are wearing. But I did want to make the point that masturbatory fantasy is extremely important in pedophiles to the point of obsession. We must be careful not to make our children more vulnerable by being careless about posting pictures of them with little or no clothing.

The number one thing that pedophiles are looking for is access. Can I groom the parent to allow me time alone (i.e. babysitting, “fun day,” field trip, bathing them, etc.) with their child? Some pedophiles are persistent. Others will quickly back away if access is denied.