“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; steadfast love and faithfulness go before you” (Ps. 89:14 ESV)
If we get the foundation wrong, everything we build upon it will crumble. God’s foundation is righteousness and justice. Yet inevitably any time I post about holding abusers accountable, someone (usually a preacher) throws in a jab about whether I believe in forgiveness and redemption and completely ignores the righteousness and justice of God. To be clear–I believe fully in forgiveness and redemption. I also believe that the Bible is clear when it comes to God’s righteousness and justice. To forgive an unrepentant wolf cheapens grace, places many at risk, and makes a mockery of God’s justice.
I asked my congregation Sunday how many of them have ever heard that forgiveness is for their own sake and not for their abuser or the person who sinned against them. Nearly every hand went up. Then I asked how many of them actually experienced increased anxiety and ongoing inner turmoil as a result of putting that principle into practice. All but 3 or 4 hands went up. Let me say that again. All but 3 or 4 hands went up. We blindly tell people that forgiving the person who wronged them is for the victim’s own sake (a concept that I have yet to find in the Holy scriptures) and that they must forgive their abuser even if the abuser is unrepentant. Ironically, at least in my own congregation, that instead created confusion and actually increased their level of anxiety.
A few weeks ago I learned of Kelly Haines when The Wartburg Watch published her story: John Longaker, a Convicted Predator, Is Now a Pastor, and His Brave Victim, Kelly Haines, Wants to Know Why. Rather than rehash all the details, I’ll just say that Mr. Longaker repeatedly sexually assaulted Kelly when he was a teacher in the 90s at a Christian school in Pennsylvania. This went on from the time she was 14 till she was 18. He served a short sentence and now pastors at Fellowship Bible Church in Vermont.
Several things caught my attention with this story. For one, Longaker takes no responsibility and instead accuses Kelly of attempting to “destroy him”.Here is an excerpt from an e-mail to Dee at The Wartburg Watch: “Since this is not the first time that Kelly has tried to destroy me by contacting different people in my church, there are many people who are aware of my past and have accepted me.” Furthermore, while saying he “paid the price,” Longaker never admits to any wrongdoing. I got the impression that the price he feels he paid was for what Kelly did to “destroy” him and not for his own wickedness. In fact, he said, “My fear is that my denial of the accusations is just going to stir up the #metoo people all the more.” It’s worth noting that, in addition to Kelly, two more victims have now spoken up about their abuse. Longaker would allegedly rub his erect penis on one of the victims and digitally penetrate her while working at a Christian book store. This happened over a period of a year after his release from prison! This happened, according to one victim, during a time period where his Parole Officer was stopping up at work to check in with him.
But what really caught my attention was Mr. Longaker’s horrifying response in that e-mail just a few weeks ago to Dee Parsons:
“Even if I did all the horrible things that Kelly said I did, I’ve been forgiven.”
When people ask me, “What about forgiveness?” I ask them, “What about justice?” It’s tempting for Christians to assume it’s their Christian duty to believe abusers like Longaker really are innocent, or remorseful, or repentant. Or that a victim remembered events differently than they really happened. Or that it was all a big fat misunderstanding. Or that an abuser served their time and is now fit for ministry or the church. And I always urge people to look at records. SO many churches balk at this idea and deem it “unfair” when I explain that this should be standard procedure with sexual predators of minor children. Looking at records is not about “digging up the past.” It’s about using discernment to see if the abuser is being honest with you today. A repentant person has no secrets about their past. Is Longaker really suffering from a case of a madwoman who falsely accused him? See for yourself what Longaker admitted to and compare it with his statements today:
When I saw Longaker’s delusional response about forgiveness, my heart skipped a beat for Kelly. It skipped because this is what victims are told everywhere. They can’t escape it. Their counselors tell them they must forgive their abuser in order to heal. Their pastors tell them they must forgive or they won’t be forgiven by God. Heck, their own abusers tell them that they need to forgive them. Their family and friends–everywhere victims turn they hear that they must forgive or there is something wrong with them, that they are “holding on to bitterness.” Take the high road. Forgive or you can’t heal. At some point, victims begin believing it. And the abusers know it. Then they make statements like the one Longaker made just a few short weeks ago–Even if I did all the horrible things that Kelly said I did, I’ve been forgiven.
Make no mistake, this message was for Kelly. What Longaker meant was, Nobody will believe you, Kelly. All these years have passed and you won’t let it go. You don’t know how to forgive, and now the world knows it.
Kelly was kind enough to speak with me this week and I wanted to ask how that horrible comment about forgiveness by her abuser affected her. Here was Kelly’s response:
“It unhinged me. The whole forgiveness thing has me so confused and distorted. I’ve been told that I need to forgive my abuser and myself. What am I forgiving myself for? I was 14. It makes me feel responsible when I hear that. . . The forgiveness thing has been thrown in my face a million times. It’s easy to tell someone to forgive their abuser when they’ve not been abused by him. By forgiving him I feel like I’m enabling him.”
God agrees. Part of the problem is that we confuse (un)forgiveness with bitterness. They are not the same thing. You can withhold forgiveness yet release bitterness towards a person. Forgiveness releases the debt (from sin) that someone has accumulated. If a bank forgives your debt, you no longer need to attempt payment. Why in the world would one banker forgive the bank robber who is still robbing other banks? The Bible doesn’t direct us to extend forgiveness to unrepentant wolves. In fact, Paul is very clear on this, as in the case of the man having sex with his own mother in the Corinthian church: “Let him who has done this be removed from among you. . . you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh” (1 Cor. 5:2, 5 ESV). Paul doesn’t tell the mother and the church to forgive this man. To the contrary–he implores them to remove him from the church and hand him over to Satan! And why should they hand him over to Satan? “So that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (vs. 5).
What’s interesting is that this man who was shamed actually repented as a result of the church alienating him! Only after he repented did Paul urge them to forgive him and receive him back. Paul said, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Cor. 2:6-8). Paul urges the church to remove the unrepentant sinner, hand him over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, then expresses the success from a “punishment by the majority.”
What happens when we teach the unbiblical concept of unconditional forgiveness? Exactly what Kelly describes. We enable the abuser to keep abusing and we shame his victims in the process. I asked Kelly what was the most hurtful thing that she read from her abuser. After describing to me the relentless insults and threats she’s receiving from Longaker’s faithful followers, Kelly said, “When he said, ‘She’s tried to destroy my life.’ That was the hardest thing for me. My life has been destroyed by his abuse. He’s still abusing me with the support and help of his church.”
This is a far cry from what Paul prescribed in Corinth. We release people from the debt they owe us when they make attempts to pay back their debt. For most of us who have insurmountable debt, it can never be repaid. That’s why mercy and grace are so beautiful. Paul is a prime example. Paul could never pay back what he owed. And he didn’t receive mercy just because. Rather, “I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly and in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” (1 Tim. 1:13, 14).
Acting in ignorance and unbelief is a far cry from acting with intention and deceit.
We need to expose liars and predators who are unrepentant as well as the churches that rally around them. Shame on Mr. Longaker for accusing Kelly of “destroying him.” Shame on him for not owning up to his sins, both past and present. Shame on him for creating more victims after his release from prison and for worming his way back into ministry where he himself claims to be counseling sexual abuse victims today. And shame on Fellowship Bible Church for receiving a wolf and shaming their wolf’s victim. To quote Fellowship Bible Church elder Don Wood when NOQ Report reporter Paige Rogers called: “Tell Kelly to stop the nonsense. Okay? Goodbye. And don’t call again. Otherwise, I’ll report you.”
Well Mr. Longaker, you may believe you’ve been forgiven but I, for one, will not join the chorus of voices who demand Kelly forgive you. You have some soul searching to do. Your church itself needs to repent and hand you over to Satan so that your spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord. They are enablers of the worst kind.
I asked Kelly what she would like to see happen as a result of her abuser being exposed. Here is her beautiful response:
“I want people to not be blinded to just trusting everyone who walks through the church doors. I couldn’t go to church Sunday. This brings up so many emotions. Parents need to wake up to the fact that many in the pulpit don’t have your best interest in mind. This is because we are taught to be a forgiving people. These people are responsible for relationships. Don’t walk around with your head in the mud. The church will do what the church will do. But we need to know that churches aren’t safe. Stop leaving your kids to the wolves. Just because the pastor says it’s safe doesn’t mean you accept it blindly. Even if my abuser is not leaving his church, I just want parents to have an awareness.”
Churches who replace justice for cheapened forgiveness are cracking the foundation of God’s righteousness and justice. Let’s do a better job of holding sinful people accountable.