A massive pile up in Wyoming on Sunday, March 1st, involved over 100 vehicles and claimed the lives of three people while thirty more went to the hospital with injuries. As an avid driver, who spent over ten years as a professional truck driver, I’ve always studied accidents like this. It may seem like a strange method, but the acute observer and analytical thinker in me prods me to learn from others’ mistakes. Mistakes happen all the time. We’ve got to observe and learn from them. And I think when it comes to abuse, we can learn from all kinds of scenarios that have little to nothing to do with abuse because there often are overlapping principles at work.
The following video was posted by a truck driver who came upon Sunday’s accident scene. Just a warning that there is strong language and the carnage of the crash can be disturbing to watch.
As an “old school” truck driver, watching these videos makes my blood boil. Being a professional driver comes with incredible responsibility. There was no reason for this pile up to occur. There was light snow, little wind, decent visibility, and the temperature was in the lower twenties. An empty tractor trailer weighs 35,000 lbs and a fully loaded one is 80,000 lbs. It takes a long time to stop on ice, so reduced speed and constant communication between drivers is essential. I’ve personally witnessed hundreds of accidents. I’ve never witnessed a pile up in over a million miles. The main reason, I believe, is that communication between drivers was always decent when I was on the road.
I’ve been the first to come upon bad accidents in the road. The most memorable was when I was rounding a blind curve, fully loaded at 80,000 lbs, only to find a rolled over pick up truck in my lane. Passengers were crawling out of the window. A coworker was behind me, also fully loaded. I instantly reached for the CB microphone and told Kim to switch lanes. Neither of us could stop in time, but we both avoided killing people that day. In the above video, communication is absent. This driver (as well as the other ones involved) should have been hollering back to everyone behind them to back it down! Those three words have saved me multiple times, and I’ve used those same three words to save other people from getting tangled up in accidents.
Instead of warning others over the CB radio, the driver is focused on filming. He even narrates and calls attention to the sound of more trucks smashing into other parked vehicles. My jaw was on the floor in disbelief. Lives would have been saved. Millions of dollars of equipment and freight could have been spared. Some of these drivers’ livelihoods are now gone because other drivers didn’t tell them to back it down.
Me driving a loaded tractor trailer @80,000 lbs in 2004.
The lack of communication in the church when warning signs are present also astounds me. The reality is that many innocent people are unnecessarily getting injured by abusers because people fail to communicate quickly and with precise language when we witness risky behavior. We need to learn from these mistakes. We need to improve communication. Below are five reasons why I believe people don’t report suspicious behavior:
#1 The shock of what we are witnessing can be paralyzing
People used to argue that there are two reactions when we sense risk–fight or flight. Now it’s widely recognized that freeze is a very common response. When we become shocked at what we are witnessing, it’s easy to freeze and not know what to do. Good training helps us overcome this. My trainers reminded us that there is never an excuse for not communicating danger to other drivers. I do the same when I train churches. Even if an incident isn’t reportable to the police, there are high risk behaviors that we must communicate to others. Remaining silent is not an option.
If someone in our church is violating physical boundaries, we warn others. It is not cruel or unfair to do so. It’s quite the opposite. It’s completely fair and warnings are warranted when someone is clearly making other people uncomfortable by crossing appropriate boundaries.
#2 The bystander effect is powerful
Surely someone else will speak up! If you find yourself thinking this thought. . . it’s time to speak up. The bystander effect is very powerful. Lots of studies have been done on this. In emergency situations, we are likely to follow the behavior of people around us. If everyone around us fails to take action, we similarly will fail to take action. The best way to break that pattern is to be aware that we are all vulnerable to the bystander effect. We must condition ourselves to be the first to speak up.
#3 Poor training
We often either have a lack of training, or our training is lacking. In other words, even when people are trained to speak up, they may question proper procedures for doing so and end up not reporting at all. A survey of 197 school teachers in the early 2000s revealed that 73% of those surveyed never made a report. Only 11% said there were instances they felt were reportable, but failed to report. Those surveyed said that both pre- and post-service training was inadequate for instructing them how to report, and they cited the following reasons for not reporting: fear of making an inaccurate report, feeling as though child protective services don’t help families, and no apparent signs of abuse.
#4 Reliance on technology
We are becoming more and more reliant on technology. Map apps now have the ability for drivers to report accidents, road blockages, construction zones, and even speed traps. This is becoming a crutch and it will never be able to take the place of old fashioned CB radio communication. Yet drivers depend on their apps to warn them if there is trouble, which is ending in disaster. The same is true of our sex offender registries, back ground checks, etc. I still am blown away at the number of people I speak with who believe that conducting background checks is an adequate way to reveal and communicate who dangerous people are. They are not.
#5 There is no clear chain of command
In the church, especially, our leadership structures often prevent lay people from taking initiative to communicate who risky people are to the church without going through a maze of red tape. When risky behavior is identified, many people (even among leaders) scratch their heads because they don’t know who to report the behavior to. As a friend of mine says, “When seconds count, help is only minutes away.” Or in most cases, it could be months away.
We need better systems in place with clear checklists, protocols, and precise reporting procedures if we are going to stop these massive casualties from occurring within our organizations.
“But if the watchman sees the enemy coming and doesn’t sound the alarm to warn the people, he is responsible for their captivity. They will die in their sins, but I will hold the watchman responsible for their deaths.” –Ezekiel 33:6 NL
Advocates and abuse survivors are not quite convinced that the SBC is really working to protect victims. Neither am I, especially after going through the Caring Well curriculum. To be fair, most of the content is decent. I found myself audibly Amen-ing Diane Langberg and Rachael Denhollander throughout. Those two understand abusers and what it takes to keep people safe from them. Then I came to Lesson Ten–Pastoral Care and Correction For an Abuser. The problem with this dangerous lesson is the same problem I encounter with the vast majority of churches–the theology doesn’t allow them to name people as wolves and to keep them at bay. Worse, it actually protects the wolf while leaving the sheep vulnerable.
As best I can tell, over past dozen years, what has changed institutionally in the #SBC at state & national levels re clergy sex abuse is primarily that leaders have gotten a lot more sophisticated & cunning in their PR tactics. But #CaringWell? No. Not even close. #SBCtoohttps://t.co/rWbx4YXQgO
This false theology of protecting abusers assumes that all people are capable of repenting and that the church should be a place where all are welcome, regardless of what they’ve done (or are doing). It’s driven by authoritarian leadership structures that give leaders all the power to make decisions regarding abusers, regardless of what church members or abuse survivors think. It allows leaders to keep the church in the dark about the presence of abusers and anyone who questions the leaders’ decisions are labeled as divisive trouble makers.
Foundations are vital. Get the foundation wrong and everything else we build on it will eventually crumble. When I speak places, I often ask what God’s foundation is. This is the most basic question that we all should be able to answer. Yet not one person has ever answered it correctly. The right answer is righteousness and justice: “Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; steadfast love and faithfulness go before you” (Psalm 89:14 ESV).
Righteousness–doing what is right, just, and fair (a term used for balancing scales)–and justice–the act of deciding a case and executing a sentence with righteousness as the standard of judgement–are the foundation of God. Everything-literally everything-is built on doing what is fair, just, and balanced, and meeting out justice according to one’s actions. Only in this context can Jesus make sense when John introduced him as someone whose axe is already laid at the root of the tree. John said that every tree that does not bear good fruit “is cut down and thrown into the fire” by Jesus (Matthew 3:10). John continued his introduction of Jesus: “His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire” (Matthew 10:12).
Righteousness and justice are married throughout the Bible. They cannot be separated. Isaiah 59 gives a thorough description of what happens when Israel turns a blind eye to oppression. Evil increases and chaos ensues. Isaiah 59:9 sums it up perfectly:
“Therefore justice is far from us, and righteousness does not overtake us; we hope for light, and behold, darkness, and for brightness, but we walk in gloom. “
The foundation of righteousness and justice requires an account for people who refuse to repent. If we don’t know what righteous behavior is, the scales automatically tip in one direction or the other based on what we feel about a person and justice becomes impossible. Jesus echoed John’s words in Matthew 7:19 when he said, “Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire.” Over and over again Jesus named wolves and kept them away from his sheep. He overturned tables and chased oppressors out of the Temple with whips. He gave a lengthy “woe to you” sermon without ending with, “But all are welcome here.” He said that it would be better for the one who causes a little one of his to stumble to have a millstone tied around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. He said he was sending his disciples out like sheep among the wolves. Therefore, they were to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. He said that the hired hand runs away when the wolf comes because he cares not for the sheep: “He sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them” (John 10: 12).
Over and over and over again, the scriptures are clear that wolves pretend to be sheep, sneak in, and destroy. It’s not just what wolves do, it’s who they are. Never is the plea to give them community, more love, empathy, understanding, etc. Why? Because of righteousness and justice. Paul says to avoid such people. He goes on to say that evil people and impostors go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived (2 Tim. 3:13). Peter gives a gut wrenching description of false prophets who were sexual predators in 2 Peter 2. There is zero hint of empathy, restoration, or redemption. Why? Because of God’s foundation. Jesus doesn’t say that wolves can be saved. He says they produce thistles and are incapable of producing good fruit. Therefore they are cut down and thrown out. To be clear, those are Jesus’ words and not mine.
Consistently wolves are identified and told to get out. Make no mistake that people who pretend to be righteous in order to steal away the innocence of children and violate them in the worst possible ways are not sheep. They are not people who “mess up, slip up, or fall into temptation.” I’ve been around abusers and have been studying them for a long time. They know exactly what they are doing. They are meticulous in their planning, scheming, and execution of their plans. Very rarely do sexual predators repent, even when the words are there. This is not because they are “struggling” with sin. It is because they are deceptive wolves. They thrive on deceit and stealing that which does not belong to them.
Regardless of what one’s theology is on sheep versus wolves, what concerns me the most is that the Caring Well curriculum coddles predators, welcomes them into the church, and gives them all the secrecy and anonymity they need in order to keep abusing. As if the Lesson Ten on pastoral care for the abuser wasn’t alarming enough, the final lesson, Lesson Twelve, gives a list of follow up resources. The third resource is an article by Brad Hambrick called, “Registered Sex Offender. A Sample Church Membership and Attendance Policy.” This is the exact policy that advocates and survivors work so hard to fight against. This policy is written as a letter to the abuser and it begins with the word, “Friend.” These “friends” are given anonymity and, like usual, the only people “in the know” about the registered sex offender status are a select group of leaders.
I’ve highlighted the sections within this sample policy that are most alarming and dangerous.
First, Summit Church is touted as “a safe place for everyone.” What that means is that abusers are also kept safe within the church. If you don’t believe me, there are three priorities and the third priority is “opportunities to worship and fellowship for everyone, including those under RSO (registered sex offender) status.“ Very ironically, the protection and safety of abuse survivors is not mentioned in the top three priorities.
The next highlighted section assumes the abusers are “wrestling with the consequences of past actions” and that doing so “can be emotionally difficult.” The policy also rushes to offer unconditional forgiveness: “We want to reiterate throughout this process that you are offered full forgiveness because of Christ’s death, burial, and resurrection. We do not want you to live with a sense of shame.” Oh. My. Goodness. Can you imagine Jesus talking to the money exchangers like this? Remember, these are not people who went out drinking on a Friday night and got themselves into trouble. They are child rapists. They are predators. They are people who have many victims. They are people who deceived, tested, and groomed everyone around them in order to steal the innocence away from little boys and girls. They lived, and continue to live a double life. It’s not just what they do, it’s who they are.
It gets worse. It clearly states, “You can attend services where children are present.” Confusingly, they can attend services where children are present but then page 3 lists conditions that the abuser has to agree to. #9 says, “I acknowledge and agree that all children and student areas are off limits at all times, even if my children are attending Summit Church.” #10 says, “I will not attend a Summit Church small group or visit the home of a Summit Church family where children are present, without the parent knowing my history and giving permission for my entry into their home.” If this isn’t confusing, I don’t know what is. They can attend services where children are present without church members being aware of their presence, but not in a small group, the children’s wing, or in someone’s home.
It can’t be overstated that this policy intentionally keeps the lay church members in the dark. On page 2, under FAQ, it reads, “Who would know about this arrangement and agreement? Those who would know about this arrangement are: the pastors of the Summit Church, the lay elders at your campus, campus security teams, and the point person(s) over student and children’s ministries at your campus.” Really? So the church remains unaware of the agreement between the leadership and the person who is on the public sex offender registry? The church should always have a copy of the agreement unless there is something to hide.
This is not an exaggeration. According to the policy, the elders work with the abuser to pick his own team of individuals to “care” for him. They “do want them to be people you know, trust, and like.” Then what happens when the abuser shows up at church? Page 1 says, “This person would great (sic) you when you arrived at a Summit service or event, at a discrete location, and have you check-in via an app on their phone. . . In function, these individuals should be viewed as a supportive friend. We want you to identify people you would be ‘doing life’ with at Summit anyway and make that more intentional. Socially, there would be nothing to draw attention to this shepherding arrangement.“ Isn’t that cute? You can’t make this stuff up! The abuser is checked in at a discrete location by the supportive friend, and the abuser is reassured that nothing will be done to draw attention to this agreement.
So let’s recap. Abusers are our friends, we will reiterate that they are forgiven, they get to hand select who their accountability friend is that they will be “doing life” with, they can attend services where children are present, they can check into church at a discrete location, there will be nothing to draw attention to this agreement, and the only ones who know about this agreement are pastors, lay elders, campus security teams, and only the point person(s) over children’s ministries.
Did I miss anything? Oh yeah, on page 2 they state the purpose for having this secret agreement with the sex offender: “Why is this needed? How is this loving? This is a form of protection for you and provides peace of mind to the families in our church.” By now, readers may wonder how families will get peace of mind about this secret agreement if they are not even aware of it. Strangely, the policy reassures the sex offender that they will be the ones protected and that this secret policy “provides peace of mind to the families in our church.” Yet confusingly, the next paragraph states that leaders are “asking” families to sacrifice peace of mind: “We are asking families to sacrifice peace of mind that would be present if we did not allow anyone under RSO status to attend.“ In other words, they acknowledge that there is a peace of mind that comes with knowing that registered sex offenders are not permitted to attend church. However, the leaders are “asking” families to sacrifice that peace of mind by inviting sex offenders to attend. My jaw is literally on the floor in disbelief! I wonder how many family members have ever been approached by leaders who ask them if they are willing to sacrifice their peace of mind by having sex offenders attend.
The final page has interview questions to ask the sex offender. This is where the real coddling comes into play. They give the sex offender plenty of wiggle room to not answer questions, to only answer when they are ready, and they’re even instructed to ask the abuser permission to talk to a former church that they attended. At least they are sensitive to the abuser’s feelings and, as part of protection for the abuser, they protect their emotions too: “Do they become emotionally overwhelmed as they tell their story? Assessment: Is this person going to be able to withstand the process of joining a small group which will entail the members of the group knowing his/her RSO status?”
Gee whiz. This policy is an abuser’s paradise. It gives them everything they need to be empowered: choice, secrecy, anonymity, access to children, a “sacrifice” on the part of families by allowing the sex offender to be there, and a way to crank up their emotions in the interview process. Advocates know that written policy is very important. The policy endorsed by Caring Well as a top resource, and one that is used at JD Greear’s Summit Church, is reckless, in my opinion.
A couple of years ago I interviewed someone who works with the parole board and has worked in the prison for over 22 years. He told me that sex offenders always change character when before the board. They know the right things to say and when and how to cry. It is all faked. He described one inmate who was a serial child rapist who propped his feet on my friend’s desk. He was cocky and arrogant. A few days later he was before the parole board and was sobbing, saying he’s learned from his mistakes and promised to never hurt anyone again. He was so “ashamed” of what he had done. Here is an excerpt from my interview:
Unless someone is an abuse survivor, most Christians I interact with assume that child predators are remorseful and ashamed when they go to prison and that they pose little risk when they get out of prison. Does this perception match the reality you see with incarcerated sex offenders?
“Absolutely not. We obviously see that remorse about every time I interview a sex offender in my room or any time a parole agent does. I don’t interview as many as I used to but when I do remorse is always the first thing we see. They are crying and say they are so sorry for what they have done. When they get to my department they want to sit on the tack because that’s how they’re getting out the door. In Pennsylvania, we have the Act 98 law. The law says that if you are not admitting to your crime and you are not in treatment, you are not even considered for parole. So remorse is their ticket to get a green light to the parole board.“
In my opinion, Caring Well’s Lesson Ten and this policy as a top resource undoes everything that the other survivors and advocates accomplished in the previous nine lessons. Even more important, it demonstrates that the SBC proves itself to be full of empty words when their actions and policies reflect a culture of secrecy, welcoming abusers into the church against the will of its members, and protecting those same abusers. Until the SBC develops policies that are transparent, it will be known as the organization that hides and protects abusers.
This post is not meant to criticize and wish any ill towards the SBC. Quite the opposite. I want the SBC to get it right. But remaining silent when such dangerous policies are being implemented is not an option. The SBC cannot claim it is caring well when secret agreements hide convicted sex offenders in the church against the knowledge or will of its church members. I pray that more people shine a light on these injustices. I pray that the SBC leaders who think it’s OK to embrace predators and maintain secrecy are either broken or removed. It is my plea to see the Body built upon a foundation of righteousness and justice.
“Look around the courtroom. Remember what you have witnessed these past seven days. This is what it looks like when institutions create a culture where a predator can flourish unafraid and unabated. And this is what it looks like when people in authority refuse to listen; put friendships in front of truth, fail to create or enforce proper policy, and fail to hold enablers accountable” – Rachael Denhollander speaking of the hundreds of Larry Nassar’s victims who should have been spared.
Rachael Denhollander statement at Nassar Sentencing January 24, 2018
The sad reality is that many people, myself included, see what it looks like when abusers are hidden within churches and institutions in the name of “grace.” I thought back to Rachael’s words when I spoke over the phone with Kyle Cowden a few days ago. He reached out to me after listening to one of my podcasts and wanted to share his frustration with our nation’s broken sex offender registry and the church’s covering up of abuse. He has officially lost track of the serial abuser who molested his daughter. We connected and he told me about his daughter Rena’s abuse that happened in 1995 at Webb Chapel Church of Christ in Farmer’s Branch, TX. Rena was thirteen. James Apple, her abuser, was fifteen.
When Kyle found out his young daughter was abused, he approached the elders, one of whom was the father of the perpetrator. Kyle’s family was gossiped about and Rena and other victims of James were ostracized by the congregation. Kyle only became more emboldened to fight for his little girl. The elders, despite being mandated reporters, never went to the police. It was Rena’s mom and dad who reported to police. James Apple served two years probation for Rena’s case. Kyle’s gut feeling would prove to be right. More victims were discovered and, in 2000 James was given a six year prison sentence. He is listed as a high risk offender in Texas and is a lifetime registrant-a registration that is only reserved for those deemed to be unsafe for the rest of their lives.
I used to wonder if church leaders who give abusers free reign simply don’t know how dangerous they really are. Perhaps it’s a matter of ignorance, I thought. Sadly, this isn’t the case with Rena’s abuse. She lamented, “When the elders found out, they requested that I write a letter describing what happened. It took three pages and when it wasn’t reported, I felt so betrayed.”
Of course she did. They got to read the most humiliating details of what happened to her, only to turn around and accuse her of making up allegations that weren’t true. This wasn’t the only time she had to tell humiliating details of how her abuser had forced himself onto her. The police report is only one paragraph containing details that Rena shared. After rumors kept circulating, Rena and the other girls were asked by the elders to write letters. Rena’s was three pages long. And they still didn’t report, despite being required to do so by law.
Neither did they tell the church. According to Kyle, the elders were divided. Some thought the congregation should know. Others were adamant that the leaders handle it internally. According to Kyle, “We were chastised for pressing charges even after the DA had told us we could be charged for not reporting to them as soon as we knew and reporting to the elders instead. Hubert Smith was the most vocal and had called my wife when he knew I was on shift and chastised her for trying to “ruin James’ life. We also had our advocates, Bill Keith, Dan Camp and Don Petty (eventually).”
Rena recalled, “After charges were filed, it went to court pretty quickly. His attorney asked me what I was wearing and how far my legs were spread when he was abusing me.” As is common, Rena remembers the courtroom being pretty full. When I asked if the spectators were there to support her, she said, “I don’t remember anyone besides by family coming to support me. They were either there to support James or were just curious.”
Kyle pushed and pushed, and eventually was permitted to read a letter to the church that he had written about their ordeal. James Apple’s victims and their mothers who went forward as Kyle read the letter filled two pews. When James Apple was arrested, angry church members continued pointing the finger at Rena’s family for “making up false allegations.”
Webb Chapel wasn’t the only church organization to cover up James Apple’s abusive behavior. Kyle described an event when he was at a Christian camp at about the same time his daughter was abused:
“I was the camp medic assigned my own cabin as I would be seeing campers in a medical setting. James and another boy (who were like “junior counselors” to younger boys) were suddenly moved into my cabin for “inappropriate” conversations. It was later, maybe a year, that we held camp in Cisco, TX. James’ father was there and I was told that he had reassigned James because “something had occurred”. It was years later that the youth minister intern, now a pulpit minister, was tearfully telling me how awful James had been and how mad he was because he wasn’t allowed to have him removed and how his dad had intimidated him and anyone else that knew about it.“
After Kyle’s letter was read to the church the Apples quit attending church. A simple announcement was made from the pulpit that “the Apples will no longer be attending Webb Chapel.” The Apples moved to Prestoncrest Church of Christ in Dallas. Much to Kyle’s surprise, “My wife saw something showing James was involved in the youth ministry and called them. She was chastised for gossiping. I read where Ron was up for an eldership there and called. Their pulpit minister and one of their elders asked me to come in. They then told me they were well aware of the “persecution” James and the Apples were receiving and I should repent of gossiping and pursuing my agenda.“
Kyle and Rena have attempted to know where James is, because they feel it is their duty to warn other parents. Rena tells me that Apple had several aliases on Facebook and even attempted to friend her. A few years ago, Rena was shocked when her mom discovered a picture of her abuser at a Chuck E Cheese in Washington state. Apple, a lifetime registrant, is not on Washinton’s sex offender registry, despite being a resident there. Rena went so far as to call Washington state police and send police reports and records of her abuse. They finally told her, “Sorry, there’s nothing we can do.” Kyle also notified the local sheriff. He seemed sympathetic and asked for more information. Kyle sent James’ records along with a brief description of what happened to his daughter Rena. Nothing was ever done to put James on Washington’s sex offender registry. Rena and her father both told me that they are sick not knowing where he is or what church he may have been able to reinvent himself inside of.
If this were the only case I had come across, I’d be mortified enough. It is not. Last year I received an anonymous message from an abuse survivor who attended Downtown Church of Christ in Searcy, AR-a church that I attended for several years while in college and seminary. The survivor told me that a man had really set off all her alarms and that he stuck out like a sore thumb, in a church of well over 1,000 people. She looked up the Arkansas sex offender registry only to be mortified that he was listed as a tier 3 offender. According to the Rogers, AR government website, tier three offenders “have a history of repeat sexual offending, and/or strong antisocial, violent, or predatory personality characteristics,” and require notification throughout the community.
Mr. Smith was a minister and doubled as a youth leader when he abused multiple little girls, including his own daughter Leachelle. Leachelle bravely wrote about her story in June. Last year, as soon as I was notified anonymously, I contacted the church’s minister, a former Bible professor of mine. I informed him that a church member found out about this dangerous predator who was actively involved in the life of the church, and that she was aware that at least some of the elders knew of this sex offender but had not informed the church. I’ve been down this road many times with churches and suspected what kind of response I’d receive. An elder from that church returned an email to me informing me that they take the protection of all seriously and that they “do not require our members wear their past sin on a label or announce it to the world unless they choose to do so.” I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest people not hold their breath waiting for a high risk serial offender to voluntarily inform a church with hundreds of minor children that he is on the sex offender registry.
The line that jumped off the page was, “If you know of some specific current activity or behavior of the person named in your e-mail to _____, please respond directly to _____ and _____.” If I know of some specific current activity!? I live 1,000 miles away! I never met this offender, though his family members inform me that he did premarital counseling for a couple at Downtown–a direct violation of probation. He and his wife also baby sit some children who are family members. And trust that if I hear of any “current activity,” the church will be very far down my list of people I will be contacting about it. Tier 3 offenders must remain on the registry forever because of violent, predatory behavior.
Notification must be made to any member of the community whom the offender is likely to encounter, based on the offender’s prior history, recreational or religious interests, employment, or the characteristics of the offender’s victims.
The problem is that the website doesn’t spell out exactly who is supposed to do the notifying, when they do it, or how often. State police are supposed to, but this often does not happen. For example, we had a Tier 3 sexually violent predator move in just a few feet from my church office window. Pennsylvania law requires everyone within a one mile radius to receive a flyer from police. We were never informed. I only found out by checking the registry, which I do every few months. Another problem in Arkansas is that individuals and agencies who are notified by law are not authorized to notify people within and apparently can use their own judgment as to who “has a need to know” within the agency. This is ambiguous. Who are the ones who “have a need to know” within any agency? In most cases, this is interpreted as the leadership only.
Notification given to any individual or agency does not authorize that individual or agency to disseminate information beyond those residing with the individual, or beyond those who have a need to know within the agency.
I believe that parents of minor children within an agency have a need to know, and should always be notified when a high risk predator is a member of a church. What those parents do with that information is entirely up to them, but shouldn’t they have a right to know? Furthermore, a repentant serial offender would be completely transparent and would ask that his information be shared so that there is never a chance he or she could gain access to children again. I am not alone in this thinking. Nor am I the only one who notified Downtown with concerns. Christine Fox Parker is a survivor advocate, has 27 years ministry experience, spent several years as a therapist at a private practice where she developed a specialty in trauma stemming from abuse at the hands of church leaders, and is the founder, president and executive director of PorchSwing Ministries. She and her son, a former member at Downtown, met with an elder in person to express the urgency for parents at the congregation to be notified. Christine told me that the response was similar to what I received–the elders take the protection of everyone seriously and are monitoring the abuser.
Leachelle (the abuser’s own daughter) has sent multiple emails to the elders begging them to notify unsuspecting parents about her father and was assured that, though they empathize with her as a survivor, they will not notify the congregation.
What purpose does a public registry serve if church leaders are able to and choose to ignore it? None of us suggested that the elders remove Mr. Smith from church (though it is my stance that he shouldn’t be at a church with hundreds of minors). We simply were asking them to inform parents of young children that a high risk sex offender is among them. So how did the church respond after repeated emails from Leachelle, describing her abuse and begging elders to inform parents that they have a serial offender in their midst? They read a letter to the church about “some blogs” that created “this situation” and that, though they have a sex offender in the church, they won’t be naming him:
The major problem I have with this (and there are many) is that they continue to circumvent the sex offender registry by hiding a high risk offender’s identity. The only biblical reason they can find for publicly stating the name of a church member “caught up in sinful behavior is for continuing, deliberate sin.” Even still, naming such a person “would only be for the purpose of winning the sinner back to Christ.” I’m dumbfounded. What about protecting innocents? Is that not a biblical reason to name a serial, high risk criminal who is already on the public registry? Ezekiel 33 and John 10 come to mind as biblical reasons to speak up and warn. Parents of children often befriend abusers, not knowing they are abusers, and will spend time in their homes and vice versa. In my opinion, when leaders fail to inform churches of high risk serial predators, they are wielding a moral superiority to the rest of the church by intentionally keeping them blind. The leaders, in effect, are the ones who have the benefit of remaining in the know and they have the power to keep the rest of the congregation in the dark.
And if these two cases aren’t enough, I reported a serial predator in 2013 who was a missionary in Haiti a few years prior. Bob Valerius, who had a clean Facebook profile as a missionary, had an alias on Facebook as “Milton Hargrave” and was asking a mess of young boys to show their penises to him. I saw with my own eyes the disgusting things he was saying to these little boys. I gathered a file folder full of evidence and spoke with state police, the US Marshall Service, and eventually the Department of Homeland Security. I found out through an investigation that Cyrus Sibert conducted in Haiti, that the Southwest Church of Christ in Ada, Oklahoma–the church that funded the orphanage where Bob worked–black listed and disciplined a Haitian preacher, Pierre Ludovic, who reported that “Bob is in relationship with the little boys he help (sic).” Valerius was reported by Mr. Ludovic in 2010. Mr. Ludovic was banned from the orphanage and the Southwest church, to my knowledge, never reported it. They did, however, blacklist the preacher who did. Southwest eventually removed Valarius from his post as director of the orphanage. Three years later, I personally witnessed Valerius asking multiple minor children for pictures of their penises while saying, “You should know that makes my cock hard.”
Unlike the Southwest church, I reported immediately and fully cooperated with this investigation only to find out that Bob Valerius, who fled Haiti and is currently wanted by the Haitian justice department, was spotted by one of his victims in August while roaming the streets of Cap Haitien.
Translation: Saturday, August 24, 2019 Mandate to bring against the American Robert (Bob) Valerius accused of pedophilia in Haiti.- The American citizen Robert (Bob) Valerius is wanted by the Haitian justice for sexual abuse on children. Mr. Valerius picture taken by one of his victims, was noticed Saturday, August 10 in the city of Cap-Haitien, a few years after he fled Haiti. #LeReCit
What’s incredibly frustrating about all of these cases is that our governments do all they can to track serial abusers because they have a pattern of being dangerous. The church, on the other hand, works very hard to keep abusers’ identities hidden and to allow them unfettered access to children. Churches think that by putting a few restrictions on where an abuser can be inside the church building, they are keeping children safe. This simply is not true. James Apple produced several more victims after Rena was abused because the church failed to report. Bob Valerius produced many more victims after he was quietly removed from the orphanage he was employed at. He still defiantly visits a country where he violated many young boys and is wanted by the justice department. The Southwest Church of Christ failed to protect more innocent children and even blacklisted a preacher who warned them about the predator. And Chuck Smith continues to enjoy anonymity as he worships at a church with hundreds of minor children. I have to wonder, at a church that size, how many other dangerous predators are being kept hidden within the pews.
Rachael is right. This is what it looks like when institutions create a culture where a predator can flourish unafraid and unabated. And this is what it looks like when people in authority refuse to listen; put friendships in front of truth, fail to create or enforce proper policy, and fail to hold enablers accountable”
Sixty seconds–the number of seconds it takes someone to drown. There have been several stories in the past few days of people who lost their lives when caught in a rip current. I’m a beach lover and have been caught in a handful of rip currents myself, so naturally this has my attention. I am not a person who panics, fortunately, because panic is the main killer in rips. When people panic, they lose the ability to think. Fear sets in as they are pulled away from the beach and they attempt to swim against the current, which exhausts them to the point that they can no longer stay afloat. Rip currents are on every beach, and have been since the beginning of time. So why, in 2019, are there still so many people–some avid swimmers–who don’t know how to successfully survive a rip? The reason this particular subject has my attention is that there are so many parallels to abusers. Abusers are really not that difficult to identify. But misinformation, myths, and lack of education enable people to be caught by surprise over and over and over again.
University of New South Wales, Sydney, Australia, did a recent documentary called Rip Current Heroes. I highly recommend watching it for two reasons. First, it will help you understand what rip currents are, how to spot them, and how to survive them. Second, it is helpful to draw parallels for what we need to do to better spot and avoid abusers. In the documentary, they say that the number one thing that we can do to survive rip currents is to properly identify and avoid them. This is the training that I do with abuse. Paul’s three words in 2 Timothy 3:5 regarding abusive individuals–“Avoid such people”–are, unfortunately, viewed as “unChristian.” I prefer prevention over recovery. I’d rather teach people how to spot problematic people so they can avoid them rather than recover victims who were horrifically abused. More on that later.
The vast majority of people have not been educated on how to spot rip currents, so they unknowingly find themselves being swept out to sea at a rate of up to 5mph. Rips blend in really well and it takes a trained eye to know how to spot them. In fact, many people prefer to migrate to the calm patch of water to avoid the breaking waves that surround them. The irony is that, this inviting calm patch of water are most likely strong rip currents that sweep unsuspecting people out to sea. The average person will not be able to identify a rip current until he or she has been properly trained to do so.
Coastal geomorphologist Dr. Rob Brander has been dubbed Dr. Rip. He has been studying rip currents for over a decade. He’s a stickler for terminology because wrong terminology contributes to myths about rip currents. Dr. Brander begins with what rip currents are not. He says, “Rip currents are not under toe. They won’t pull you under, because there’s no such thing as an under toe. They’re not a rip tide, because they are not a tide. They are a current. And they won’t take you to New Zealand” (meaning the currents only go out so far then they stop). He then offers tips for how to successfully survive a rip current. I won’t rehash those in this post, but if interested, see the short video below. One important thing I will note–this training video is less than 5 minutes. And that’s all the longer it has to be. Though there are many types of rip currents and they are incredibly complex, training people how to spot them should not require them to be rocket scientists.
In my 8 years of studying abusers up close, here are some common myths I want to shatter:
Myth #1-Abusers primarily groom their victims–I wrote a post on this recently. Terminology is important. They primarily test their victims, including bystanders. They rarely groom them.
Myth #2-Simply having two people present keeps kids safe–Abusers are perfectionists when it comes to abuse in plain sight. Having two adults near a child will not keep them any safer than having two or ten people swimming together will keep them safe. Entire families have been swept up by rip currents just as entire communities are deceived by abusers. The key is knowing how to identify abusers, not merely putting more people in close proximity to children.
Myth #3-Increased visibility (windows, open spaces) reduces abuse–When I do facility walk-throughs I like to walk into rooms with windows in the door to demonstrate how quickly I can disappear. People are always shocked to see how fast it happens. Almost every room has major blind spots. Furthermore, abusers use techniques to intentionally abuse in front of us anyway. Beaches have about the highest visibility of any open area I know. Yet every day people are swept away by rip currents. Increased visibility doesn’t reduce abuse. Knowing how to identify and avoid abusers does.
Myth #4-We have trained people at my organization so kids are safe–Many incredibly proficient swimmers drown due to rip currents. Being a great swimmer won’t keep them safe if they don’t know how rip currents work, how to identify them, and how to get out of them. Proper training is needed. Very few people are trained on how to properly identify problematic people.
Myth #5-Learning “red flags” will help me identify abusers quickly–This is doubtful. Again, terminology is important. I prefer the term “tells” of an abuser, not red flags. We should be looking for tells first, red flags second.
So what are tells and how do we see them? The verb form of tell is to inform, express, give information to, or find out by observation (I can tell that this is made of wood). Miriam-Webster defines the noun form this way: a revealing gesture, expression, etc. that is linked to a poker player’s tell. . . broadly: sign, indication. Like different types of rip currents, sexual abusers also have certain tells.
Abusers always have tells. If we know how to observe and assess, we are far more likely to spot problematic people quickly and then we can respond accordingly. Here are some of those tells:
The eyes tell a lot–In another recent post, I suggested that people who bring children to the doctor watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order. This applies to everywhere, not just the doctor’s office. All women know what it feels like to have perverted men gawk at them and undress them with their eyes. There is no mistaking that look. Abusers don’t glance at their prey. They become mesmerized. I’ve observed sexual predators who get tunnel vision when eyeing their prey. It’s as if the rest of the world temporarily melts away and the only thing they can see is the child in front of them. Whether it’s a 2 year old child or a 15 year old girl, abusers have the same creepy stare. They cannot help themselves. Always watch they eyes and how people are looking at others.
The hands tell a lot–Sexual abuse cannot happen without hands and fingers. **Edit–a reader rightly pointed out that voyeurism is a horrific form of sexual abuse and doesn’t involved physical contact. This is very true and I want to acknowledge this form of abuse that leaves victims incredibly traumatized.** Abusers don’t always abuse in plain sight, but they are blatantly “handsy” in public. Watch for people who just can’t help themselves. They will cross physical boundaries that stretch beyond the norm. Watch for rubbing, caressing, roaming hands, fingers that sweep across intimate body parts, even if for a split second. This is not normal or acceptable. Also watch the person receiving the touch. Tense shoulders, confused looks, squirming, etc. are all signs that the person is uncomfortable and is too paralyzed or fearful to say anything.
The words tell a lot–I know of no abuser who hasn’t made very strange, inappropriate comments within earshot of others. Make no mistake, these comments are intentional. This is part of the testing process. Most bystanders don’t even realize that course joking, talking about sexual attraction, or how children are “starting to bud” is happening. Abusers pepper inappropriate comments into the conversation to see how far they can push boundaries. Even when bystanders hear it, they are so caught off guard that they don’t intervene. Also, conversations are “all about the kids.” Kids this, kids that, kids, kids, kids. Think obsession. There’s a difference between a mention and an obsession.
The gait is slower and head is downward–Skilled abusers are patient. Their gait (the way they walk) reflects that. Watch for people who aren’t in as much of a hurry, who are observant, and who walk with eyes cast downward. A sex offender once told me that all pedophiles, as they walk, keep looking down near their feet. He said, “I don’t know why this is so, but we cannot look straight ahead for more than a few seconds like most of you can.” I have theories on this, but my theories are not the point of this post. The point is that I’ve witnessed this as well with every person I’ve suspected may be an abuser.
Information mining–The most common and dangerous question is, “Tell me about yourself.” Abusers are always mining information. Always. They accumulate information by simply asking us to talk about ourselves. Humans, generally, associate this with someone being interested in us. When this question is asked, we volunteer all kinds of information about our job, our church, our children, and on the list goes. As a friend told me today, “You become the hostess giving them a complete menu rundown. Facebook is a menu. Your conversation is a menu. And they become so interested in you and your family that you forget to ask them anything about theirs.”
Covert aggressive–Abusers are incredibly covert aggressive. Before you know it, you have become an accomplice to their plan while they come off as being kindhearted, benevolent, and deeply spiritual. They know when to turn the aggression up and when to dial it back. Abusers always seem to violate boundaries but “don’t know what you’re talking about” if they are ever confronted. Even if a person is hesitant to fulfill a request, the abuser will make that person feel bad for not agreeing then appears to be a saint to everyone else. For example, a parent will be shamed for not wanting their kid to spend alone time with the person. Those parents end up allowing it and the community sees the abuser as a saint who “just adores kids.” An observant person can usually tell very quickly if someone is being covert aggressive towards others. **edit–Originally, I used the term passive aggressive. A reader correctly pointed out that covert aggressive is a more accurate term. I agree.**
I’ve heard people talk about ending abuse, screening abusers out, making abusers scared, and on. I disagree with all of these and think our methodology is weak. Like rip currents, abusers have been around since the beginning of time and they aren’t going anywhere. Survivors of abuse know full well that abusers don’t walk away with their tails between their legs. They are not humble. They do not stop. The best use of our time, energy, and resources needs to be on spotting dangerous people quickly and avoiding them.
In addition to this, we need to train people for what to do when they identify dangerous people. We need to shatter the myths and stop fearing abusers. We need to let abusers know that we see them. We need to stop waiting until a reportable incident happens until we act. Our police departments and advocacy organizations are completely overwhelmed. They need our help. Children need us to intervene before an adult or peer has a chance to abuse them. We should be creating safe zones by warning people about people who are not safe. This includes dangerous registered sex offenders who are in our churches. If we know that they have a history of abusing children, it makes no sense why we fail to inform others. Until this happens, we have our work cut out for us.
“One of the things I’ve learned from Rachael (Denhollander), as well as other survivors, is that the strongest words, without actions that follow up those words, are worse than not saying words at all.”
—J.D. Greear, President of SBC, at the ERLC Sex Abuse Panel at SBC June 10, 2019.
Cheryl Summers, founder of For Such a Time As This Rally, and Rev. Ashley Easter, sat with their husbands just four rows from the front listening to the panel Monday night. The For Such a Time As This Rally had survivors and advocates travel from across the country to join in prayer and protest the thousands of victims who could have been spared. They all share a common bond and similar goal–to stop the SBC from hiding abusers in the church and to begin protecting the innocent.
Just moments before J.D. Greear gave the above response, Rachael Denhollander mentioned For Such a Time As This Rally: “When you see the survivor community–many of them even outside the SBC tomorrow–these men and women have been pleading with the church to hear their voices for decades and they have been shut out over and over and over again in the name of Christ. That’s what the SBC has done to these survivors. You need to feel the grief and the betrayal and the harm and the hurt that they have felt.”
It would have been difficult to miss the group of peaceful protesters on Tuesday with their red shirts and large millstone on display that Ashley’s husband Will made. It was intended to be a reminder of Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:6–“. . . but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” There has been extensive national media coverage of the For Such a Time As This Rally leading up to, and following the Southern Baptist Convention.
Rally organizers Rev. Ashley Easter (left) and Cheryl Summers (right) in front of a large millstone
Among people at the rally who attended and/or spoke were Mary DeMuth, Christa Brown, Jules Woodson, Brooks Hansen, Michael Hansen, Kenny Stubblefield, Ashley Easter, Cheryl Summers, Carolyn Deevers, Dee Parsons, Dwight McKissic, Wade Burleson, and SNAP’s David Clohessy. Rachael and Jacob Denhollander sent cupcakes to the group on their way out of town and visited with rally members throughout the day. But eerily absent were the very SBC leaders who, ironically, were inside the convention center saying that survivors need to be listened to. I was not able to make it to Birmingham due to back-to-back trips and limited time off from work, but several of us who couldn’t make it sent videos Tuesday to For Such a Time As This Rally Facebook page to offer encouragement and our words of support.
I woke up today and it struck me that I saw zero pictures, words of support, or even an acknowledgment that the rally survivors were even in Birmingham, by any SBC leaders who took the stage inside. Nothing. Not. A. Word. It’s as if the survivors and advocates didn’t exist. Yet these courageous friends of mine at the rally, despite their abuse and mistreatment by the SBC, are madly in love with God, work tirelessly to save the lives of countless people who were abused, and openly shared their stories of pain, humiliation, and hope.
As survivors shared their stories, several SBC attendees shouted to the press that they should not give the rally any attention. Apparently, some assumed that the rally speakers and attendees were not Christians. One rally attendee told Cheryl Summers that an SBC attendee tried to talk to them about praying the sinner’s prayer to accept Christ.
I couldn’t shake the feeling of not seeing any SBC leaders there so I reached out to Cheryl Summers and asked her if J.D. Greear or anyone else from his office had taken time to walk outside and greet them or thank them or weep with them over the decades of abuse and cover-ups they’ve endured. I post Cheryl’s response with her permission:
“No. He certainly did not. He actually had 2 opportunities. The first was Monday night. A contingent of us from the Rally went to the ERLC’s panel on sexual abuse. Ashley and I were sitting side by side with our husbands four rows from the front in the center. JD was a panelist and we were right in front of him….feet from the stage. He knows what Ashley looks like. They met a few months ago by accident in a coffee shop and he recognized her then. He kept looking at her on Monday night. He could have walked off stage afterward and thanked us for being there. He didn’t. He was gone as soon as the panel ended.
We personally invited JD, Russell Moore, Beth Moore, and other big names. Initially, Russell and JD’s office said they couldn’t be there due to schedule conflicts. We changed the time to accommodate, but they still couldn’t make it.”
To be completely fair, Cheryl told me that Todd Unzicker’s wife, Bruce Ashford’s wife, Megan Lively, and some others from the Summit Church delivered two coolers of water and thanked them for being there. Believe me, that meant the world to the rally group. That was a kind gesture, and it won’t be forgotten.
But I don’t think this was an accidental oversight by Dr. Greear. Dee Parsons wrote a powerful piece recently that shows the rally organizers have been pushed aside for the past several months: [Updated] Why Won’t Southern Baptist Convention Leaders Allow the For Such a Time As This Rally Inside the Convention Doors? Lest people think I’m nitpicking here, I’ve spoken personally with Ashley Easter on several occasions about this. She happens to live in the same city as J.D. Greear and has attempted, on multiple occasions, to have a brief meeting with him. All attempts for the past year have been delayed or rejected.
You know what I find hilarious? @drmoore echoed yesterday what the @ERLC stated as a primary topic coming into this week. And I've heard before: "We are listening to survivors."
To add insult to injury, Matt Chandler was invited, last minute, to speak Tuesday at the SBC about the New York Time’s article about Matt Chandler’s and The Village Church’s alleged mishandling of an abuse case with one of their youth ministers, Matthew Tonne. I couldn’t believe my eyes and my heart sank for my friends who, for months, had gone through every proper channel to be given a small space inside the convention center. Yet they were denied. And ignored. Meanwhile, yet another Southern Baptist pastor at the heart of an allegation of covering up abuse was given a microphone to defend his actions.
Lest my readers think I am being unfair or overly critical, my observation does not come in a vacuum. I personally reported my own father for sex abuse against minors and drove to the house of the parents of his victims immediately after I found out who his victims were. My wife and I wept with parents as I struggled to find the words to tell them over and over how sorry I was that my father had hurt their babies. And I live in Pennsylvania, where the biggest investigation into the Catholic church took place. I serve shoulder-to-shoulder with survivors from that report. I’ve been to Harrisburg on several occasions and have personally witnessed Attorney General Josh Shapiro drop everything and come out to hug survivors when he knows they’re present. AG Shapiro isn’t doing it for show. I’ve watched him greet each survivor by name. He knows who they are. He always thanks them for visiting. He happily gives them the space they need to talk, joins them, and smiles as he says that the capital is “our house.”
Attorney General Josh Shapiro speaks on behalf of abuse survivors. Rachael Denhollander spoke just a few minutes apart from AG Shapiro.
I am appalled that J.D. Greear didn’t take ten minutes to come out and greet these survivors. My heart breaks that these friends were pushed into a corner outside the convention and were ignored. I certainly credit Dr. Greear for all that he and the SBC have done to move this conversation forward. I really am grateful. And I want to see the SBC get this right. Honest to God above I do. I will proudly stand behind and cheer on those who are doing all that they can to right the wrongs of abusers and those who provide cover for them.
At the same time, I cannot ignore the fact that my friends were not given any acknowledgment or even a visit by Dr. Greear himself. The skepticism will continue, and for good reason. I pray that these survivors and advocates are given a voice. But they should be given more than that. The front row at the ERLC should have been reserved for these brave survivors. Dr. Greear should have invited them up, one by one, and said, “I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. Thank you for being here and taking a courageous stand against evil. I stand with you. This is our house.”
I close with the same words of Dr. Greear I began this post with:
“One of the things I’ve learned from Rachael (Denhollander), as well as other survivors, is that the strongest words, without actions that follow up those words, are worse than not saying words at all.”
Many were shocked when victims and parents spoke up at Larry Nassar’s sentencing, describing how they had been sexually assaulted with their parents in the same room. It didn’t take long before the vultures circled around the parents of those victims and insults were hurled like a molotov cocktail. Cristen Chatman, the mother of one of Nassar’s hundreds of victims, knows these insults all too well:
Over the past several weeks, I’ve read so many angry, uninformed comments, posts and other writings blaming and shaming the parents. Accusations such as “parents should have listened.” “They should have known.” “What were they thinking” or “How could they have let that happen.” I’ve even seen posts suggesting these well-meaning parents be put in cells next to Larry; the very parents that have now come to realize what really happened in the exam room. The crushing guilt that burdens these parents (and me, specifically) is something that can’t be comprehended without walking in the same shoes.
From the Indy Star– Letter: I am a mom who was in the exam room while Dr. Larry Nassar treated my daughter
What Nassar did–molesting his victims in front of their parents–is not uncommon for abusers. In fact, it’s so common among most abusers that I have dedicated my research to understanding abuse techniques and how abusers keep us blind to it. Just this year and twenty miles from my home, pediatrician Johnnie Barto was sentenced to 79-158 years in prison, at the age of 71, after dozens of victims came forward. Like Nassar, Barto molested his victims as he held casual conversations with their parents. Also like Nassar, Barto was under investigation in the past. In 1998 an entire town came out in support of Dr. Barto for a ribbon ceremony as his accusers looked on in shock. His medical license was restored and he went on to abuse many more victims until he was arrested last year.
I can’t help but to cringe when I hear adults say, “We have great policies. We put windows on all the doors and we have people who keep an eye on the kiddos.” This is reminiscent of the recent interview with Li Li Leung, USA Gymnastics’ fourth CEO and former patient of Larry Nassar. Leung said, “I was not abused by him because my coach was by my side and I was in a public setting, so I understand what the setting needs to be like to ensure the safety of our athletes.” What!!?? You can imagine how well this went over with Nassar’s victims who had parents and coaches in the room when they were abused over and over again.
Same here. He talked to my mom about my science homework.
Abhorrent lack of knowledge not just of USAG's situation, but abuse dynamics in general.
This about covers it. USAG's new president says Larry never abused her because her coach was in the room, so she "understands" preventing abuse.
Except most abuse happened with a parent or coach in the room. So she understands precisely nothing after 2+ yrs. Not acceptable. https://t.co/94fYYjf4ij
Suggesting that athlete safety can be achieved simply by requiring coaches (or parents) to be present, & changing the setting of medical treatment, is misleading & dangerous. Fixing the problem requires an understanding that can come only from a full & independent investigation. https://t.co/oFNwvq1b72
Li Li Leung believes what most people do about abuse–that if we are in public spaces and keep watch that abuse won’t happen. I am not blaming her completely, but a person leading an organization with such a horrific culture of abuse yet remains this ignorant about abuse is telling. This is how people are trained. We are told that abusers “groom” their victims. We are told that the “red flags” of abusers are people who isolate victims, who shower them with presents, and who can’t hold normal conversations with adults. Most of this research is highly inaccurate, so a false sense of security exists when we have our children within eyesight. And this plays right into the hands of skilled abusers.
I’ve written a lot on abuse in plain sight. If I were to boil it all down into one phrase, I’d say that abusers know how to control what’s called our “spotlight of attention.” They do this via a variety of techniques. Our brain is wired in such a way that it’s incredibly easy for people to exploit our brain’s expectations to create all kinds of visual illusions. If you want to learn more about this, I suggest watching a training that neuroscientists Drs. Stephen Macknik and Susana Martinez-Conde did with me below. They are experts in visual deceptions and how our brain responds.
So what can we parents do while in the same room with doctors, nurses, and PAs? I will start by saying that it is up to parents to be the informed ones. Doctors, nurses, physician’s assistants, and anyone else who is on staff are not being trained to recognize these abuse techniques for creating visual deceptions. Just because there are multiple professionals in the room does not mean they are trained to see abuse in plain sight. In fact, several of Nassar’s victims’ parents who were in the same room were themselves physicians. And their kids were still abused.
The good news is that the steps parents need to take are not complex. But, honestly, we need to forget (or at least temporarily suspend) our training that we’ve all heard on looking for “red flag behaviors” and grooming. If that’s what we’re looking for it will cloud our judgement and abusers will run circles around us. Here are 5 tips I offer parents:
1. Don’t wait until a reportable incident happens to intervene
Pennsylvania, where I live, is the epicenter for much national attention to sexual abuse. Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State scandal unfolded in 2012. Last year Bill Cosby was sentenced in Philadelphia shortly after the release of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury Report into the Catholic abuse scandal. In the wake of all these cases, our state has spent billions of dollars and enacted legislation to require training for mandated reporters, increase penalties for failure to report, and require tons of new people to have background checks every five years. The fruits of this labor? Abuse is still on a dramatic rise in Pennsylvania. Experts can spin this all they want, but the reality is that we are losing ground because of inadequate training that only requires us to report abuse and not to prevent it. Abuse is getting worse, not better. Don’t rely on the professionalism of trained people to prevent your child from being abused. Our statistics show that we are failing our children miserably.
As parents, you have every right to pull your child from a doctors visit at any time during that visit. If you so much as have a gut feeling about someone or your child doesn’t respond well to them, politely ask that the visit be cut short and go to the receptionist to pay or ask to see another doctor. This is prevention. Is it a hassle? Yes. Will you feel silly? Maybe. But I assure you that I have shaken the hands of multiple pilots who grounded planes that they felt were unsafe to fly. When something doesn’t feel right, it’s better to be proactive and create inconveniences before your child is telling you that the doctor did something that made them feel uncomfortable.
2. Watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order
All sexual abusers have the following things in common. They view children as sexual objects. Eyes tell a story. We’ve all caught old men gawking at teenage girls at the shopping mall. Eyes that caress butts and breasts are not innocent. We all know the difference between a benign look and one that undresses someone. But when it comes to little children nobody wants to think that someone is capable of sexualizing them. But abusers do. My dad once told me that, prior to landing in prison, he could spot people who are “like him” as soon as he walked into a room. When I asked him how he said, “Simple. I watch their eyes.” He could tell which men were gazing sexually at children just by paying attention to how they were looking at them.
Abusers also must use their hands to molest victims. Sure, there are additional ways to abuse, but all abusers use their hands to grope, penetrate, manipulate, etc. Nassar, Barto, and my own father did horrific things to their victims in front of their parents–using their hands. If you cannot see both hands and all ten fingers at all times, get up and move. Do not get distracted by conversation for a second, which leads me to. . .
Words. Like magicians, abusers talk. Abusers use words to control your spotlight of attention. Don’t let narrative distract you from watching the eyes and hands of the doctor, nurse, or PA. People assume abusers “block their view” of the abuse with their own body. I’m not convinced because I know something of their techniques. Abusers don’t distract you from what they are doing, they draw attention to it. Deb McCaul actually got up and stood next to her daughter Morgan when Nassar worked in the pelvic region–“I wasn’t somebody with, like, my nose in the phone,” McCaul says. “I was having conversations with them. And whenever Larry was doing something in that [pelvic] area, I would go up and stand by the table, because I wanted her to feel more comfortable.”
Deb wonders how she missed it. She was right there, after all. Nassar would actually draw attention to the pelvic region by describing what pelvic floor techniques are. . . as he was penetrating his victims. He was not deterred or nervous by Deb standing right next to him. Never assume that, because you are an alert person, someone can’t or won’t abuse your child right in front of you. They can and they do. We are taught manners and are expected to watch people’s eyes when they talk and avoid looking at areas that make us uncomfortable. Deb describes being able to see Nassar’s one hand but his other one? Deb said, “I couldn’t see that part of it. But I had no reason to question it either.” Know where both hands are and all ten fingers are at all times.
3. If an exam or procedure seems invasive or out of place, stop the doctor immediately
As I research abuse techniques and read cases that are public, I notice certain troubling patterns. Abusive doctors do unnecessary tests and procedures that don’t match the symptoms. If a doctor says they are doing a vaginal examination when your child is there for the flu, refuse it and tell the doctor you are reporting him or her. I was stunned as I read different reports at what doctors were doing to their patients just so they could grope them.
Breast exams were done for common colds. Vaginal and rectal exams were given for upset bellies. And on it goes. I found that, in only a few cases, did parents intervene or ask questions. The vast majority of these abusers got away with this hundreds of times each simply because no parents were asking questions or stopping them from doing it.
If a physician wants to perform a test or treatment that seems strange to you, stop him or her from going any further. Tell them that you would like another doctor to come in the room for a second opinion. If they become agitated or belligerent at the request, congratulations–you just affirmed that this doctor shouldn’t be treating your child. Good doctors will welcome collaboration with other doctors, especially if they are on their team. No doctor should be pushy or make you feel stupid for asking questions. Unless, that is, they have something to hide.
4. Ask to see a copy of the policy for examining private parts
I don’t know what is or isn’t required for doctors in this area. What I do know is that there is wild inconsistency when it comes to actual practice. Sometimes other nurses, doctors, or receptionists are called into the room. Other times they are not. Ask to see their policy on accountability for those types of examinations. If there is no policy, ask if one is required. If it is not required, ask if it’s something that they are going to change.
Whether another staff member is required to be in the room is one thing. You being in the room is another. Never allow your child to be intimately examined, stripped, or touched anywhere near private parts unless you are in the room and have complete visual access at all times. Even if it is not policy, you may request that another doctor or nurse be present as your child’s privates are examined.
If gloves are not worn, refuse to have your child’s privates examined. You don’t have to be mean. But you always need to be firm. This is never negotiable. Nor should it be. It goes without saying, but never leave your child in the room. One time my littlest had to go to the potty after the doctor came in to examine his older sibling. I asked the doctor to pause for a few minutes while all of my children went with me down the hall to the bathroom. The doctor waited alone in the room until we returned. Then he resumed the examination.
5. Train your child
It is essential to communicate with your children what are acceptable boundaries and what are not. My children know that sometimes privates will need examined. They also know that a doctor is required to explain what he or she is going to do before the examination. No doctor is allowed to just examine without talking to us first.
Let your children know that a doctor is never allowed to be alone with them. Let them know that if a staff member makes them feel uncomfortable they are free to talk about it as it is happening. One of us parents will always be in the room. Our children know that they don’t have to wait until after the fact to tell us if something with the examination makes them hurt or brings discomfort. Communication is important. Instant communication is better.
Do not instill fear or distrust of doctors into your child. The vast majority of physicians are good. Our kids like our doctors. They talk with them, tell them about school, and joke around with them. We do a very big disservice to our doctors and our children if we teach our kids to distrust doctors. At the same time, our children know that they have the authority to stop a doctor if anything that the doctor does makes them uneasy. And we parents have the right to refuse certain doctors too.
