Category: Shaping by Culture

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Why I’m losing (and gaining) hope about abuse in a COVID world

COVID

Make no mistake: abuse is rampant during the COVID pandemic. Not surprisingly, there has been a dramatic increase in online exploitation and trafficking of children. In 2019, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children received 16.9 million reports, and the majority of them were related to apparent child sexual material, online enticement, child sex trafficking, and child sexual molestation. That was 2019. This year, those numbers have exploded. Forbes had an article at the beginning of the COVID crisis called Child Exploitation Complaints Rise 106% To Hit 2 Million In Just One Month: Is COVID-19 To Blame? Our children are more vulnerable to predators than they’ve ever been, for a variety of reasons.

Every report I read and every advocate, counselor, and doctor I speak with says the same thing–abuse is dramatically increasing, especially among children. The problem is exasperated by unrest and violence across the nation. I recently spoke with agents from Homeland Security and the US Marshals and they told me that only the most severe cases of abuse are being looked at while all others are being flat-out ignored. Law enforcement and federal agencies are overwhelmed and are reaching a breaking point. NYPD had to limit retirement applications earlier last month after receiving a more than 400% increase in requests. Court proceedings are convening online, and many cases are falling through the cracks as a result. Elected officials are releasing dangerous sex offenders into the streets because apparently that’s safer for our communities than said offenders getting sick in prison. In April, Orange County California gave seven very dangerous sexual predators early release. Orange County is not the only one releasing dangerous criminals. This is happening all over the US and politicians who are doing this need to be held accountable.

The list could go on and on. My mom and I have dedicated quite a few podcasts to our growing concern about abuse during quarantines. There are many days where I lose hope. I lose hope because our system is badly broken and overburdened to begin with. It takes a tremendous amount of time, money, and resources to convict people of sex crimes. That’s assuming they were caught in the first place. Right now, every agency is overwhelmed. My friends who work in sex crimes divisions throughout various agencies tell me that they are burned out. Abusers are openly talking about exploiting children. They no longer have to hide because they know the risk of getting caught has plummeted. Many schools are not opening in-person classes in the fall. This leaves already battered, molested, and terrified children even more vulnerable. This, too, makes me lose hope.

But I also have hope. While on vacation recently I saw families out and about, smiling and laughing. Every person we encountered was kind and many went out of their way to talk to us. More people are spending time outside and recreation businesses are booming. Advocacy centers are very aware of the vulnerability of children right now and are being proactive by checking in on families. Every police officer, federal agent, and case worker I talk to are super kind, helpful, and are thankful for communication.

I’ve witnessed people working hard to provide online training, since many in-person trainings cannot take place. Operation Underground Railroad is actively rescuing human trafficking victims all over the world. That organization alone is raising awareness and people are paying attention. Today the Justice Department is announcing $35 million in grants for housing assistance to victims of human trafficking.

I have hope because people are openly talking about abuse like never before. Victims are being empowered to speak up. Several states opened up a one to two year window that allows victims to file lawsuits against organizations that covered up their abuse. I have hope because I don’t believe that people are going to keep remaining silent. Just yesterday Jerry Fallwell Jr. posted, then deleted, highly inappropriate photos of him partying on a yacht. The public is outraged and is demanding his immediate firing from Liberty University. The days of this kind of gross public behavior are over. People have had enough and are going to keep calling out people for being gross and demoralizing others. And so I have hope.

Photo by Edwin Hooper on Unsplash

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Why You Shouldn’t Hire a “Mitter” (Male Baby Sitter)

Last week Lynn Perkins, CEO and co-founder of UrbanSitter.com, wrote a Huffington Post article titled Why You Shouldn’t Overlook Hiring a Male Babysitter. In the article, she lays out 3 reasons why parents should consider hiring a “mitter.” They are:
#1: It brings diversity to your child’s life and allows you to do your part to break down gender biases.
#2: They bring a different style of play.
#3: It’s an opportunity to provide your kids with a valuable male role model.

It didn’t take long for other articles to surface, praising this move to hire “mitters” and “mannies.” The push to hire the “manny” (male nanny) has been popularized in New York City. There is an increased demand in male sitters and nannies, and this is for a number of reasons. As I skim articles and comments, there seems to be a demand primarily because people don’t want to be labeled “sexist.” In fact, Perkins’ first reason to hire a “mitter” is that “it brings diversity to your child’s life and allows you to do your part to break down gender biases.” Allows you to do your part to break down gender biases? This very statement shows that we have lost the ability to look at differences between men and women objectively. Do we really need to hire a male baby sitter to “do our part” in breaking down the biases? If we objectively look at men and women who sexually abuse children, the facts themselves produce biases. Listen to what the famed Corey and Steve Jensen have to say:
The FBI estimates that there is a sex offender living in every square mile of the United States. One in ten men has molested children. Most child molesters are able to molest dozens of children before they are caught and have a three percent (3%) chance of being apprehended for their crimes. Boys and girls are at nearly equal risk to be abused and almost a quarter will be molested sometime before their 18th birthday. Fewer than five percent (5%) will tell anyone.1

I offer 3 reasons why people should not hire “mitters”:
#1 Men are far more likely to sexually abuse children than women
It sounds sexist, I know. But the facts speak louder than our self-righteous need to not sound like a misandrist. Estimates vary. Anywhere from 1 in 10 to 1 in 20 men have sexually abused children. In contrast, 1 in 3,300 women has sexually abused children (Abel & Harlow, The Stop Child Molestation Book, 2001, pg. 23). It is common knowledge that a person is far more likely to die in a car than in an airplane. We don’t cry foul at this finding because statistics prove it. Statistics should speak louder than our agendas. Statistically speaking, your child is far more likely to be abused by a male than a female. That does not mean that all males are sex offenders, or that women will never sexually abuse a child. It simply means that hiring a man puts your children at far greater risk of being abused.

#2 Background checks and trust make your family a prime target for sex offenders
The vast majority of sex offenders have never had any previous criminal background, making background checks a source of false security. I’ve read blog after blog and comment after comment touting “mitters” as something great–as long as you trust the person taking care of your kids. It is precisely because of trust that child abusers are empowered to abuse. When we completely trust people, our guards go down. My dad, who is currently serving a life sentence for child molestation, was a “manny.” I can tell you firsthand that he was the guy EVERYONE trusted. He passed background checks. He had glowing letters of recommendation. He was not socially awkward. Kids loved being around him. He was fun, kind, and caring. In short, he was the ideal guy to hire to watch your kids! But there’s something else we need to be aware of. Pedophiles who want to offend children will find opportunities to win the trust of others and gain access to children.

#3 Pedophiles find the path of least resistance
With the surge in “mitters” and “mannies,” pedophiles see an opportunity to gain access to children. How great is it for the offender to know that people are actively searching for male sitters? While I agree that men need to play an important role in children’s lives, I don’t think that person should be a hired baby sitter who has unlimited access to our children. The statistics are just too grim to open up that door. There is only a 3% chance of a child molester getting caught for any 1 instance of abuse, less than 5% of children ever tell when they are abused, and 1 in 10 to 1 in 20 men have molested a child.

These are reason enough not to hire a male sitter. You can argue that this will “ruin it” for the men who are not child molesters (and I don’t doubt that there are plenty of sitters who are not molesters). But, frankly, I’d rather ruin it for them than ruin something far worse for my children. Losing an opportunity for a job is not quite as devastating as a child losing his innocence to a predator.

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10 Year Old Sweetie

Sweetie There are a lot of pedophiles out there taking advantage of very young children–exploiting, humiliating, sexualizing, and dehumanizing them. With the explosion of the internet, access to child porn and the ability to remain anonymous has pedophiles lined up like a school of piranha waiting to sink their teeth into the next unsuspecting youngster. Experts say the problem is getting worse, not better. I would agree. Even since I began this site a few months ago, the type of traffic coming to my site has attracted more and more sickos. My dashboard tells me that today, January 28th, the top searches that led people to my website are “child porn,” “children porn,” “child porn vk,” and “young chaild sexy pron” (spelling mistakes are intentional by frequent child pornographers who try to remain undetected).

I hear a lot of personal stories of children who are being exploited by adults who justify their evil twisted behavior through a number of avenues. Here’s the deal–nothing can justify this kind of behavior. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. Not addictions, not “lust,” not desire, not lack of sex from your spouse, and certainly not the claim that young children come on to the perpetrator. These sex crimes don’t “just happen.” They are fantasized about. They are planned. Every detail is meticulously planned, down to what amount of pressure the perpetrator’s hand will have as it grazes the young child’s genitalia for the first time.

Why do I share these things with you? Because we don’t want to believe that it’s true, or that it happens that often, or that it could happen to our own kids. We’d like to think that this is such a rarity, and that the media just blows it out of proportion. I’m here to tell you, experience and knowledge has opened me up to a whole new world–a huge world. And I’m learning that denial does nothing to stop pedophiles. Fear does not stop them. Rules do not stop them. Belief in God does not stop them. So what will? You will. People like you and me who are loud. I mean unapologetically loud, and who will be a voice for the victims of these heinous crimes. People who have no fear of reporting abuse can at least deter child molesters and let them know that we’ve had enough. We are no longer afraid to speak out and to stand up for what is right. There is a war being waged and the wrong side has been retreating for years. It’s time to take innocent territory back.

One more thing. . . for those of you who cruise the internet looking for “young chaild sexy pron,” heroes like this may just be setting a trap for you when you think you are masturbating on camera for a 10 year old child:

Safe cruising!

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Survivor of Abuse Posts Her Call to Abuser

A 28 year old woman, a survivor of child sex abuse, posted a video to Youtube of her calling her abuser. She did it because she feared that the statutes of limitation would prevent the abuser from paying for the crimes. First of all, praise God that she found the courage to do this, and to show her face publicly. This video will hopefully embolden other survivors to tell their stories of abuse and to report it. Only about 25% of child sex abuse survivors will ever tell anyone that they have been sexually abused. Other studies show that this number is probably generous. The majority of abuse survivors take that secret to their grave.

I’ll post the video at the bottom of this blog. The ridiculous comments people leave behind are not surprising to me: “Get over it. . .it happened 16 years ago,” “move on. . .” etc. Isn’t that the perception many people have? And isn’t this attitude precisely why children are afraid to tell anyone? Imagine–you’re 3 years old and finally get the courage to tell someone that your uncle has been caressing your body parts with his tongue. The reply is, “Just get over it.” “Move on.” Fear is the number one reason children don’t tell. Fear that nobody will believe them. Fear that they will be punished for telling. Fear that telling will cause a divorce. Fear that the public will find out that they have been molested. Fear that they will have to go to trial and face their abuser. You get the picture.

I’ve heard people ask survivors why they waited so long to tell someone. It’s usually framed in an accusatory question like, “If the abuse was really as bad as you say, why would you wait until you were all grown up to say something about it?” Says the person who was never sexually assaulted as a child. Interestingly, pedophiles commonly use the same argument but with a different agenda. It goes something like this: “If she really didn’t like it, she would have told me to stop.” Says the person who threatened the child that if he tells, something bad will happen to him or his family.

At any rate, I commend this woman who got the courage to call her abuser and I get why it took so long. We all should get it. It is more common than not for those who do report to do it years after the abuse occurred. I know of victims who were ridiculed by families or churches for reporting abuse because “you’re smearing “so-and-so’s” good name. Really? We can and need to do better than this for survivors of abuse.

And one piece of advice–don’t feel sympathy for abusers because they “were born that way” or “just couldn’t help themselves.” This video grabbed my attention and the abuser’s response is typical of pedophiles who are initially questioned for their crimes.

Caller: “I was only 12 years old when I met you. Do you realize that you brainwashed me and manipulated me and that what you did was wrong?”
Abuser: “Yes. And I regret it.”
Caller: “Are you doing this to other students too?”
Abuser: “No.”

Interviews with convicted child molesters reveal that they know that it is terribly wrong but they abuse anyway. Is the regret genuine? Possibly. But regret doesn’t stop someone from abusing, or from continuing to abuse. Is she telling the truth that she is not doing this to other students? It’s doubtful. There are a wide variety of statistics on how many victims a pedophile may have in his or her lifetime–with some being over 1,000 (that’s individual children per 1 abuser; this does not count how many instances of abuse there were, which could be a few thousand). Dr. Gene Abel did a couple studies and found that convicted pedophiles who were questioned averaged 73 victims each. United Youth Security estimated 260 victims each. You will find similar high numbers, and the scope of this particular blog is not to discuss the reasons why this range is all over the place. But there is one thing that is consistent: no matter how many abusers initially claim that they only have one victim, when further investigated it is revealed that there are almost always multiple victims.

Proverbs 24:24-25 (ESV) says, “Whoever says to the wicked, ‘You are in the right,’ will be cursed by peoples, abhorred by nations, but those who rebuke the wicked will have delight, and a good blessing will come upon them.”

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The Superbowl Story Few Care to Know About

I’m not a sports fan, and this is probably because I don’t have an ounce of athleticism in my DNA. If I can’t play sports, I certainly don’t care to watch them. But I digress. For millions of people, sports are quite enjoyable. 108 million people watched the Super Bowl last year, making it the 3rd most watched television event ever. But there’s a dark side of the Super Bowl that few are talking about–human sex trafficking. Just search for “human trafficking at Super Bowl” and dozens of stories will pop up, just from the last few days.

Every Super Bowl, children are transported to the hosting cities by their pimps and are forced to have sex with sports fans. A former sex trafficking victim explains what it’s like for these young children: “When they come to these kinds of events, the first thing you’re told is how many you’re gonna perform a day,” she said Friday. “You’ve got to go through 25 men a day, or you’re going through 50 of them. When they give you that number, you better make that number.”1 She recalls being injected with heroin, tied to the bed, and being forced to watch another victim be tortured for not meeting the quota of Johns. This video is well worth the watch to see what goes on while millions of people are glued to the television in the comfort of their homes. Here is another look at what’s going on (lots of information is available on this topic):

How does this happen? Quite easily, actually. Pedophiles can easily use distractions, abuse a child, and go back to “normal life” as if nothing has ever happened. How many wives or girlfriends, not able to attend, send their husbands or boyfriends off to the Super Bowl with a blessing? Would they ever suspect that while away, they will be paying pimps to have sex with children? Not a chance, which is why it is so easy for predators to get away with it. This is magic 101–slide of hands. While one hand is occupied, the other is busy performing the magic trick.

The good news is that the NFL, local governments, the FBI, and lots of volunteers are working together at each Super Bowl to ramp up an effort to rescue these children and young adults who are being trafficked. We should pray for the thousands of children and young adults who will be moved to New Jersey in a few weeks against their will to be used as sex objects for the warped.

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Corey Feldman, Hollywood, and Pedophilia

It came as no surprise at all when I saw news articles recently come out outlining Corey Feldman’s new book, Coreyography, revealing Corey was molested as a child. Corey describes the grooming process, how he was made to believe it was his fault, and how he was told that the sexual encounters were what “normal people do.” All of these things are stripped right from the same playbook of pedophiles. Having a very broken home life with drug-addicted parents, Corey was primed, as currently are millions of other children in this nation, to be a vulnerable target for abuse. Yes–sexual abuse of minors is even in Hollywood.

Corey believes that pedophilia is a huge problem in Hollywood, and that it is everywhere else too. He says, ” I think there’s a lot more of it than we’d like to believe and a lot more of it in all paths of life. The world is a very, very dark place right now. Right now, more than any other time in the history of mankind we need to have spirituality in our lives, we need to believe in a higher power and stay positive no matter what.” 1. Apparently, experts conclude that pedophiles are a bigger problem in Hollywood than in Corey’s day.2.

I would agree, too. Statistics show it is true. But so does experience. Recently, I met and prayed with a Christian man dying of AIDS who was from West Hollywood. I asked if I could ask him very pointed questions about life as a gay man, and he was very open and honest. What he described sounded more like a horror flick than reality. At the age of 49, he had outlived every one of his friends. Every single one. As a paramedic, he described routine calls for overdoses and suicide attempts in the San Fernando Valley, the porn production capitol of the world. His patients for those types of calls were almost exclusively porn actors. But he also told me something that had struck a nerve with me. He said, “Jimmy, all you hear about is the glamor of the gay lifestyle. As one who lived my whole life in this community, there are things that go on that you wouldn’t believe. And child molestation is wildly out of control here.” Before anyone rushes to blast me, these are not my words. I passed no judgment on my friend. I simply let him tell his story. As a man who was, for years, sodomized by his biological father when he was a young boy, he had the authority to speak on the subject.

Child pornography and pedophilia are everywhere. On lunch break today, the local news had a story of young minors who posted hardcore nude pictures on a pornographic website because their boyfriends told them to. Ironically my own website, which tries to combat child sex abuse, is bombarded daily with traffic from people seeking child porn. Just today the top searches which led people to this very site are “child sex site,” “very young teen hardcore porn,” and “pinay child phonography.” I know what you’re thinking, “What is pinay child phonography?” Pinay is a slang word meaning a Filipina girl but it’s also slang used to describe the most beautiful kind of girl alive. Phonography has appeared almost daily as a search term and is an intentional misspelling of pornography to sort of “fly under the radar” of illegally searching for child porn.

The bad news is that this is a pandemic. Corey Feldman is right that there is a lot more going on “than we’d like to believe.” That’s just it. We don’t want to believe it. So we deny. And the more quiet we are, the more enabled abusers are. It’s also bad news that the majority of abuse is not reported. And the majority of the abuse that is reported never gets investigated. Corey experienced this in December 1993 when he reported the abuse to the Santa Barbara Sheriffs department and they never investigated.3. I experienced it last year when I turned in a prominent person in the churches by handing over files of explicit pictures and comments posted online with young children, only to be told that there was not enough evidence. This happens all the time and it needs to change.

The good news is that more and more people are speaking out about abuse. Where it was taboo in the past, it is slowly gaining attention today. And it’s not just a fringe group quietly typing away at the keyboard. I’m encouraged by the people who have contacted me privately to join forces, who have their own books and websites to specifically educate others and speak out. I’m encouraged by people like Corey Feldman who take an unpopular approach and risk their careers to speak out. I’m encouraged by people like Alison Arngrim, who played Nellie Oleson on Little House on the Prairie, who is speaking out about her sexual abuse as a child. And I’m encouraged by Jaycee Lee Dugard and Elizabeth Smart who were brave enough to recount their horrible kidnappings and rapes from men who stole their innocence. I’m encouraged by former porn stars, prostitutes, and strippers who now have thriving ministries to help rescue women from the industry who’ve never known anything but abuse and exploitation. I’m encouraged by the National Child Protection Training Center for the war they have waged on abuse. And on and on it goes.

Finally, I’m encouraged by my readers who read these blogs, pray, and comment. This is not easy stuff to talk about or read about. But you all do it. And so we press on. “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:17 ESV).