Protecting Our Kids Archives

February 23, 2024June 26, 2024

Can churches recover after abuse?

a woman in black long sleeve shirt sitting alone on wooden pew

Can churches recover after abuse? A better question is how do churches recover after abuse? It’s no secret that, under my leadership, our church experienced abuse of the worst kind at the hands of my own father. In 2011 I reported my own father after a disclosure of abuse. Our worst nightmare came true. We quickly found out that there were at least dozens of victims, all of them very young children at the time of their abuse.

Our small rural church was completely devastated. My family was devastated. Our entire community was instantly wrecked. I am living proof that churches can recover after abuse. But the church will never be the same. How can it? Abuse changes everything. It steals innocence, takes away the feeling of being safe, and destroys trust. Churches absolutely can recover after abuse but it takes hard work and dedication to do the right thing. Here are five things churches can do to recover after abuse:

Report abuse – I’m always astounded at the resistance churches give to report abuse of children. It shouldn’t surprise me because currently 33 states exempt clergy from reporting abuse of minors if the information is considered privileged. When laws are not in favor of protecting children decent people should be. Sadly most are not. Isn’t it strange that churches will always report vandalism to authorities? Yet they rarely report abuse of children. When we treat material possessions better than our children it says something of the moral compass. There is a trove of evidence that shows churches are among the most dangerous places for children to be abused. I’ve consulted with dozens of churches and for the few that had a handful of leaders willing to do the right thing, they were almost always threatened by other leaders who worked triple time to cover up abuse. It should be a given that we church leaders report allegations of abuse, no questions asked. Finding loopholes to evade reporting requirements is both unethical and dangerous to our children. Always report allegations of child abuse.
Keep abusers away from the church – When I reported my dad he said he’d see me at church the next Sunday. I informed him that he would not. And if he tried we would physically remove him for trespassing. Churches can and should do this. The majority of churches I worked with over the years argue with me that churches, by law, cannot ban anyone from going to church. This is not only untrue, but it flies in the face of common sense. The Bible is full of commands to protect sheep from unwanted wolves. It’s literally as simple as telling them they are not welcome to come. Churches dramatically increase their liability by welcoming known child predators into the fold. Not to mention that real children are likely to be severely harmed. Banning abusers sends a clear message to survivors that their protection is in our best interest and we won’t welcome people who intentionally harm innocent people.
Provide support for victims – One of the first things we did as a church was to provide funding for any of my father’s victims to receive counseling. Victims should not have to worry about how they will pay for counseling. Too many churches provide support for abusers instead of victims. We reversed that. My dad’s victims received support. He received a prison sentence. Victims did not ask to be abused. It was forced upon them when they were very young. The least we can do is to offer support, to the best of our ability, to victims of these senseless crimes.
Communicate – Leaders and church members alike should talk very openly about what happened. The elephant is already in the room, so pretending that it isn’t does not help the cause of Christ in any imaginable way. Preachers should preach against abuse and about nurturing those who were oppressed. In our case, I named my dad by name. He was the one who viciously abused children and everyone knew it. Victims’ names, however, should not be named. Again, they did not ask to be abused and naming their names without consent revictimizes them all over again. Come up with a plan for how to protect those who’ve been abused and for keeping everyone else safe. There will be resistance. Even in our church were abuse did take place, I was criticized by some for talking about it. A few left the church because I talked openly about it. I’d rather see them go than be silent and pretend that nothing happened.
Make a written protection policy – This should not be optional. Unfortunately we, like so many other churches, did not have a written policy. Abuse was not on our radar and we didn’t know the importance of having one. Sadly, that did not work out well for us. After reporting the abuse we immediately drafted a policy. Each year we renew it. Verbal agreements do not work. Policies must be spelled out and rules must apply to everyone equally. There are good resources for crafting a policy. It is a must for churches to be safe.

This year marks thirteen years since I reported my dad. Churches can recover after abuse but I’m still not sure what “recovering” fully means. The cloud of sadness will always be there. There are still days where I’d rather stay in bed than do ministry. The losses that we’ve endured seem to outweigh the gains. But doing the right thing is always the best choice. The alternative is literally shattering countless lives.

It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to support this blog, you can offer tips via the coffee logo. Or if you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!

January 12, 2024June 26, 2024

Can we support both victims and abusers?

Can we in the church support both victims and abusers? A more appropriate question is, should we support both victims and abusers? The vast majority of churches I worked with over the years supported abusers at the expense of victims. The most asked question I received was, “How do we minister to our brother (the abuser)?” It always irritated me that the abuser was the primary concern and not the victims. Abusers are often assigned accountability partners, prayer partners, support teams, etc. Victims almost never are assigned much beyond blame and shame. But should the abuser even receive support?

Description of abusers

Before we talk about whether to support abusers, we need to define what an abuser is. An abuser, regardless of their position in the church or elsewhere, is someone who is intentional about seeking victims out. Peter calls them bold and willful (2 Peter 2:10). They “count it pleasure to revel in the daytime” and are “reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you” (vs. 13). They “loved gain from wrongdoing” (vs. 15), “indulge in the lust of passion and despise authority” (vs. 10). Peter describes them this way: “The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire” (vs. 22).

Paul (a reformed persecutor of Christians and witness to murders), has similar descriptions of abusers. They “creep into households and capture weak women, burdened with sins and led astray by various passions” (3 Timothy 3:5), and are “always learning but never able to arrive at knowledge of the truth” (vs. 7). They are “lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,” (vs. 2-4) and so on. Abusers in the church, according to Paul, get worse and not better: “while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (vs. 13).

By the way, both Peter and Paul specifically talk about impostors within the church. Both describe people who masquerade as good, godly people. But secretly they mistreat people. They are arrogant. Abusers lie, cheat, and mislead. And they love it. That is why they don’t stop. Their intention to deceive and inflict harm sets an abuser apart from someone who makes bad decisions or from someone who struggles with addiction. It sets them apart from people who make insanely stupid decisions but then can later learn from them. Abusers don’t care. They don’t stop. They revel in their deceptions.

What to do with abusers

I think the Bible is clear. If someone is preying on innocent victims they will do it again. If they are manipulating, lying, and pretending but secretly are cruel, twisted, and defiant, they won’t stop. Paul says of these “Christians,” Avoid such people” (2 Tim 3:5). Peter implies that they should be avoided. He’s more clear on their destruction: “And in their greed they will exploit you with false words. Their condemnation from long ago is not idle, and their destruction is not asleep” (2 Peter 2:3). They are “irrational animals, creatures of instinct, born to be caught and destroyed” (vs. 12).

Paul tells the Corinthian church to handle an abuser like this: “cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump” (1 Cor. 5:7). He continues: “I am writing you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler (verbal abuser), drunkard, or swindler (rapacious or ravenous)–not even to eat with such a one” (vs. 11). His conclusion for the Corinthian church is to “purge the evil person from among you” (vs. 13). Again, these are abusers, not merely people who mess up. We know this because Paul addresses drunk Christians at the Lord’s supper in chapter 11 and never suggests kicking them out. He clearly is speaking about removing abusive people in chapter 5.

Reasons to avoid abusers

Many Christians are shamed for avoiding people or kicking them out. They believe that doing so is contrary to what Christ commands. But Jesus himself often warned his people about wolves in sheep’s clothing. The entire chapter 10 of John is Jesus condemning leaders for allowing ravenous wolves into the flock of sheep. He said that a good shepherd will lay down his life to protect the sheep but the hired hand cares nothing for the sheep and will leave when the wolf arrives.

We avoid abusive people for a few reasons. First and most important, we are protecting innocent people from known abusers–people who have a known history of manipulating innocent people for the purpose of abusing them. Second, it is an act of grace for everyone, including an abuser, to keep them away from people who they intend to harm. It’s quite the opposite when we treat them with kid gloves and pretend like serial abusers are Jesus’ closest bro. I wrote a post before about why it is dishonest for churches to hide abusers within the church. For a host of reasons, it’s just wrong. Don’t do it.

Third, we avoid abusers in hopes of repentance. Paul urged the Corinthians to “deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (1 Cor. 5:5). In other words, this jerk wants to produce victims? Let Satan have his way with him and see how he likes it! Maybe it will wake him up and in the end he might be saved. This is a far cry from how churches routinely handle allegations of abuse today.

Finally, we avoid confusion for victims of abuse and send a clear message to abusers that abusing innocent people won’t ever result in rewards. There are a couple instances where I unapologetically asked people to leave our church. Both were visitors. One had just gotten out of prison and was chasing kids around attempting to tickle them. The other was a man who I could tell was manipulating me. A church member disclosed later that this man had verbally assaulted her months before at her apartment complex. She thanked me for removing him.

Conclusion

I personally don’t think it’s possible, wise, or biblical to support abusers and victims together. In fact, I think it’s appropriate and necessary to remove abusers who fit the descriptions above. I know there are complexities to this, and these will be addressed in later posts. I will also write several posts for how we actually care for survivors of abuse in the church because right now the church is failing. For now, stay safe. Keep known predators at bay. Protect the innocent.

If you’d like to support the work I do, check out the online training course. You can also offer support by going to the coffee icon on the bottom of any page on this site. Thank you to all who help me continue this work!

November 12, 2021

It’s been 10 years since reporting my dad and the reality of losing so much is hitting hard

Last night my eight year old son brought up my father whom he’s never met. In July of 2011, after my youngest sister Alex disclosed that she was sexually abused as a child by our dad, Mom and I reported him to the police. Not a day has passed that I don’t think about that day. Nearly a year after we reported, he received a 30-60 year prison sentence for sex crimes against multiple children. You can hear Alex tell her story here:

I don’t know what prompted my son to ask questions about my dad–his grandfather. He may only be eight, but he is a very deep thinker. “What was it like to report your own dad and send him to prison?” To be honest, the question caught me off guard. I wrote a whole memoire this year about our family’s journey but I never really thought about having to explain reporting my dad to my eight year old son. He knows that I loved and adored my dad growing up. He also knows that my dad harmed many little children.

My son is a spitting image of me when I was his age. He wears his emotions on his sleeve, just like me (yes, I cried during Bambi as a kid and I’m OK with that!). He is kind and curious, always asking deep questions about life and always (quite literally) wanting to know how he can change the world for good. I answered him honestly: “It was terrible. I hated it. I lost my dad the second I walked into the police station. He will die in prison and I think about it all the time. But I would do it again and again the minute I heard he was hurting children.”

Without hesitation, my son came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Dad, I love you with all of my heart. But if I knew you were hurting children I would report you to the police too. It would be sad to lose my dad but it would be sadder to not do anything if I knew kids were being hurt and I didn’t stop it.” Wow! His answer welled up out of his heart. He meant every word that he said. He said it with conviction and authority. I often walk away from training churches and wonder whether, if push came to shove, adults would actually make a report. Statistics show that reporting is rare. Cover ups are overwhelmingly more common than reports of abuse.

The first thing that struck me is that, if an eight year old gets it, what in the world is the excuse for all these adults who intentionally turn a blind eye to abuse. An eight year old admits he would be more willing to turn in his own father than to allow peers to be abused. It still blows my mind that adults can be so hardened that they would allow a child rapist to keep abusing child after child. This is not love. It’s certainly not grace. And it’s definitely criminal.

The second thing that struck me is that the reality of how much my family has lost is finally starting to hit hard. It’s not that I was ever in denial. But I think part of my coping with the layers of trauma was to immediately enter into other people’s trauma. As most advocates do, I immersed myself in hearing, understanding, and experiencing the pain of others as they tell their stories. Every story I hear reinforces the fact that we all have lost so much. Every victim, ever family member of an abuser–we all have lost so, so much.

The losses are too many to count–Loss of a father, loss of my brother who died unexpectedly, loss of the way our family used to be, loss of close friends, loss of my children only knowing their grandfather as a felon, loss of a church that once was full of laughter and joy, and on I could go. Abuse strips so much from so many innocent people. The ripple effects are never ending. It’s been ten years and I feel as weak as I did the day I was sitting in that police station. Perhaps this is why adults fail to report. Maybe for them the cost of losing so much isn’t worth it to them. Maybe they’d rather innocent children take on the pain rather than dealing with the inevitable losses that come with reporting.

But for me, the gains far outweigh the losses. When I realized that my son truly gets it–that he will be a warrior for the innocent–my heart was full again. To gain an ally in the dark world of advocacy is a gain that’s immeasurable. For all you protectors out there. . . keep fighting for justice. Keep exposing the deeds of darkness. Evil will not win!

April 9, 2021April 11, 2021

Denial of abuse IS spiritual abuse

In the past couple of days I’ve received four messages from people crying out because they warned church leaders of their abuser, only to be told that they are being over-reactive and “judgy.” These were not petty allegations either. There was plenty of evidence given to those leaders, including news articles, sex offender registry links, and lists of charges that were filed against the criminals. Yet, to no avail, the pleas for church leaders to warn their congregations fell on deaf ears, leaving them completely underwhelmed and unmoved.

Not only were church leaders not willing to warn their congregations about the abusers’ serial criminal activity and charges, but in three of the four cases, they offered the abusers a platform for teaching and preaching to church members. Victims were left feeling deflated, unheard, and were warned by those same leaders that they need to drop the matter or else. This behavior is spiritual abuse at its worst. There is a radical difference between ignorance and willful denial. Both are equally dangerous to innocent people, but willful denial will enable abusers more than anything. When leaders refuse to even look at the evidence at hand, they are abusing their position as leaders. When they become aggressive toward victims (or anyone, for that matter) for speaking up about current or past abuse, they are behaving no better than the abuser.

The above scenarios are not uncommon. To be sure, ask any survivor of abuse what their church’s response was when they warned church leaders about an abuser. Most–but not all–will share stories of leaders denying, minimizing, or ignoring abuse allegations. When leaders deny or minimize abuse “in the name of Jesus,” it sends a very clear message to the victim that their wounds don’t matter and that the abuser is more important. Worse, it sends a message to all the innocent people in the congregation that their safety doesn’t matter. Shutting down people who legitimately warn others of legitimately dangerous predators is spiritual abuse. It’s exactly what Jesus spoke about when he said, “He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.” (John 10:12, 13).

My mission in life is to understand child predators and how they so successfully con everyone in their lives so that I can help spare innocents from being harmed. But I also want to know the heart of God. At no point in the Bible does God ever condone defending, supporting, or turning a blind eye to abusive oppressors. In fact, God consistently defends the cause of the oppressed. Abusers are crafty, smart, charismatic, and persistent. If we are serious about making our church gatherings safe, we need to be serious about keeping abusers at bay.

A repentant child abuser wouldn’t fathom being near children again, let alone teaching and preaching. Positioning oneself as a spiritual leader and mentor after having serially raped and molested multiple victims is a misnomer. Child abuse is not a sin where someone accidentally “falls into temptation.” It’s a crime. And a sophisticated one at that. It takes a very high degree of practiced lying and deceit to successfully gain access to children, repeatedly molest them, guarantee their silence, and remain undetected. Abuse depends on the trust and naivety of others. This is exactly why abusers can never be trusted again. Abusers know how easy it is to get away with abuse, so why in the world would they place themselves in a culture where leaders are swooning over them and they are surrounded by children?

March 4, 2020

5 reasons why people don’t warn others of abusive behavior

A massive pile up in Wyoming on Sunday, March 1st, involved over 100 vehicles and claimed the lives of three people while thirty more went to the hospital with injuries. As an avid driver, who spent over ten years as a professional truck driver, I’ve always studied accidents like this. It may seem like a strange method, but the acute observer and analytical thinker in me prods me to learn from others’ mistakes. Mistakes happen all the time. We’ve got to observe and learn from them. And I think when it comes to abuse, we can learn from all kinds of scenarios that have little to nothing to do with abuse because there often are overlapping principles at work.

The following video was posted by a truck driver who came upon Sunday’s accident scene. Just a warning that there is strong language and the carnage of the crash can be disturbing to watch.

As an “old school” truck driver, watching these videos makes my blood boil. Being a professional driver comes with incredible responsibility. There was no reason for this pile up to occur. There was light snow, little wind, decent visibility, and the temperature was in the lower twenties. An empty tractor trailer weighs 35,000 lbs and a fully loaded one is 80,000 lbs. It takes a long time to stop on ice, so reduced speed and constant communication between drivers is essential. I’ve personally witnessed hundreds of accidents. I’ve never witnessed a pile up in over a million miles. The main reason, I believe, is that communication between drivers was always decent when I was on the road.

I’ve been the first to come upon bad accidents in the road. The most memorable was when I was rounding a blind curve, fully loaded at 80,000 lbs, only to find a rolled over pick up truck in my lane. Passengers were crawling out of the window. A coworker was behind me, also fully loaded. I instantly reached for the CB microphone and told Kim to switch lanes. Neither of us could stop in time, but we both avoided killing people that day. In the above video, communication is absent. This driver (as well as the other ones involved) should have been hollering back to everyone behind them to back it down! Those three words have saved me multiple times, and I’ve used those same three words to save other people from getting tangled up in accidents.

Instead of warning others over the CB radio, the driver is focused on filming. He even narrates and calls attention to the sound of more trucks smashing into other parked vehicles. My jaw was on the floor in disbelief. Lives would have been saved. Millions of dollars of equipment and freight could have been spared. Some of these drivers’ livelihoods are now gone because other drivers didn’t tell them to back it down.

Me driving a loaded tractor trailer @80,000 lbs in 2004.

The lack of communication in the church when warning signs are present also astounds me. The reality is that many innocent people are unnecessarily getting injured by abusers because people fail to communicate quickly and with precise language when we witness risky behavior. We need to learn from these mistakes. We need to improve communication. Below are five reasons why I believe people don’t report suspicious behavior:

#1 The shock of what we are witnessing can be paralyzing

People used to argue that there are two reactions when we sense risk–fight or flight. Now it’s widely recognized that freeze is a very common response. When we become shocked at what we are witnessing, it’s easy to freeze and not know what to do. Good training helps us overcome this. My trainers reminded us that there is never an excuse for not communicating danger to other drivers. I do the same when I train churches. Even if an incident isn’t reportable to the police, there are high risk behaviors that we must communicate to others. Remaining silent is not an option.

If someone in our church is violating physical boundaries, we warn others. It is not cruel or unfair to do so. It’s quite the opposite. It’s completely fair and warnings are warranted when someone is clearly making other people uncomfortable by crossing appropriate boundaries.

#2 The bystander effect is powerful

Surely someone else will speak up! If you find yourself thinking this thought. . . it’s time to speak up. The bystander effect is very powerful. Lots of studies have been done on this. In emergency situations, we are likely to follow the behavior of people around us. If everyone around us fails to take action, we similarly will fail to take action. The best way to break that pattern is to be aware that we are all vulnerable to the bystander effect. We must condition ourselves to be the first to speak up.

#3 Poor training

We often either have a lack of training, or our training is lacking. In other words, even when people are trained to speak up, they may question proper procedures for doing so and end up not reporting at all. A survey of 197 school teachers in the early 2000s revealed that 73% of those surveyed never made a report. Only 11% said there were instances they felt were reportable, but failed to report. Those surveyed said that both pre- and post-service training was inadequate for instructing them how to report, and they cited the following reasons for not reporting: fear of making an inaccurate report, feeling as though child protective services don’t help families, and no apparent signs of abuse.

#4 Reliance on technology

We are becoming more and more reliant on technology. Map apps now have the ability for drivers to report accidents, road blockages, construction zones, and even speed traps. This is becoming a crutch and it will never be able to take the place of old fashioned CB radio communication. Yet drivers depend on their apps to warn them if there is trouble, which is ending in disaster. The same is true of our sex offender registries, back ground checks, etc. I still am blown away at the number of people I speak with who believe that conducting background checks is an adequate way to reveal and communicate who dangerous people are. They are not.

#5 There is no clear chain of command

In the church, especially, our leadership structures often prevent lay people from taking initiative to communicate who risky people are to the church without going through a maze of red tape. When risky behavior is identified, many people (even among leaders) scratch their heads because they don’t know who to report the behavior to. As a friend of mine says, “When seconds count, help is only minutes away.” Or in most cases, it could be months away.

We need better systems in place with clear checklists, protocols, and precise reporting procedures if we are going to stop these massive casualties from occurring within our organizations.

“But if the watchman sees the enemy coming and doesn’t sound the alarm to warn the people, he is responsible for their captivity. They will die in their sins, but I will hold the watchman responsible for their deaths.” –Ezekiel 33:6 NL

Photo by Goh Rhy Yan on Unsplash

August 8, 2019August 23, 2019

Tells of Sexual Abusers

Sixty seconds–the number of seconds it takes someone to drown. There have been several stories in the past few days of people who lost their lives when caught in a rip current. I’m a beach lover and have been caught in a handful of rip currents myself, so naturally this has my attention. I am not a person who panics, fortunately, because panic is the main killer in rips. When people panic, they lose the ability to think. Fear sets in as they are pulled away from the beach and they attempt to swim against the current, which exhausts them to the point that they can no longer stay afloat. Rip currents are on every beach, and have been since the beginning of time. So why, in 2019, are there still so many people–some avid swimmers–who don’t know how to successfully survive a rip? The reason this particular subject has my attention is that there are so many parallels to abusers. Abusers are really not that difficult to identify. But misinformation, myths, and lack of education enable people to be caught by surprise over and over and over again.

University of New South Wales, Sydney, Australia, did a recent documentary called Rip Current Heroes. I highly recommend watching it for two reasons. First, it will help you understand what rip currents are, how to spot them, and how to survive them. Second, it is helpful to draw parallels for what we need to do to better spot and avoid abusers. In the documentary, they say that the number one thing that we can do to survive rip currents is to properly identify and avoid them. This is the training that I do with abuse. Paul’s three words in 2 Timothy 3:5 regarding abusive individuals–“Avoid such people”–are, unfortunately, viewed as “unChristian.” I prefer prevention over recovery. I’d rather teach people how to spot problematic people so they can avoid them rather than recover victims who were horrifically abused. More on that later.

The vast majority of people have not been educated on how to spot rip currents, so they unknowingly find themselves being swept out to sea at a rate of up to 5mph. Rips blend in really well and it takes a trained eye to know how to spot them. In fact, many people prefer to migrate to the calm patch of water to avoid the breaking waves that surround them. The irony is that, this inviting calm patch of water are most likely strong rip currents that sweep unsuspecting people out to sea. The average person will not be able to identify a rip current until he or she has been properly trained to do so.

Coastal geomorphologist Dr. Rob Brander has been dubbed Dr. Rip. He has been studying rip currents for over a decade. He’s a stickler for terminology because wrong terminology contributes to myths about rip currents. Dr. Brander begins with what rip currents are not. He says, “Rip currents are not under toe. They won’t pull you under, because there’s no such thing as an under toe. They’re not a rip tide, because they are not a tide. They are a current. And they won’t take you to New Zealand” (meaning the currents only go out so far then they stop). He then offers tips for how to successfully survive a rip current. I won’t rehash those in this post, but if interested, see the short video below. One important thing I will note–this training video is less than 5 minutes. And that’s all the longer it has to be. Though there are many types of rip currents and they are incredibly complex, training people how to spot them should not require them to be rocket scientists.

In my 8 years of studying abusers up close, here are some common myths I want to shatter:

Myth #1-Abusers primarily groom their victims–I wrote a post on this recently. Terminology is important. They primarily test their victims, including bystanders. They rarely groom them.
Myth #2-Simply having two people present keeps kids safe–Abusers are perfectionists when it comes to abuse in plain sight. Having two adults near a child will not keep them any safer than having two or ten people swimming together will keep them safe. Entire families have been swept up by rip currents just as entire communities are deceived by abusers. The key is knowing how to identify abusers, not merely putting more people in close proximity to children.
Myth #3-Increased visibility (windows, open spaces) reduces abuse–When I do facility walk-throughs I like to walk into rooms with windows in the door to demonstrate how quickly I can disappear. People are always shocked to see how fast it happens. Almost every room has major blind spots. Furthermore, abusers use techniques to intentionally abuse in front of us anyway. Beaches have about the highest visibility of any open area I know. Yet every day people are swept away by rip currents. Increased visibility doesn’t reduce abuse. Knowing how to identify and avoid abusers does.
Myth #4-We have trained people at my organization so kids are safe–Many incredibly proficient swimmers drown due to rip currents. Being a great swimmer won’t keep them safe if they don’t know how rip currents work, how to identify them, and how to get out of them. Proper training is needed. Very few people are trained on how to properly identify problematic people.
Myth #5-Learning “red flags” will help me identify abusers quickly–This is doubtful. Again, terminology is important. I prefer the term “tells” of an abuser, not red flags. We should be looking for tells first, red flags second.

So what are tells and how do we see them? The verb form of tell is to inform, express, give information to, or find out by observation (I can tell that this is made of wood). Miriam-Webster defines the noun form this way: a revealing gesture, expression, etc. that is linked to a poker player’s tell. . . broadly: sign, indication. Like different types of rip currents, sexual abusers also have certain tells.

Abusers always have tells. If we know how to observe and assess, we are far more likely to spot problematic people quickly and then we can respond accordingly. Here are some of those tells:

The eyes tell a lot–In another recent post, I suggested that people who bring children to the doctor watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order. This applies to everywhere, not just the doctor’s office. All women know what it feels like to have perverted men gawk at them and undress them with their eyes. There is no mistaking that look. Abusers don’t glance at their prey. They become mesmerized. I’ve observed sexual predators who get tunnel vision when eyeing their prey. It’s as if the rest of the world temporarily melts away and the only thing they can see is the child in front of them. Whether it’s a 2 year old child or a 15 year old girl, abusers have the same creepy stare. They cannot help themselves. Always watch they eyes and how people are looking at others.
The hands tell a lot–Sexual abuse cannot happen without hands and fingers. **Edit–a reader rightly pointed out that voyeurism is a horrific form of sexual abuse and doesn’t involved physical contact. This is very true and I want to acknowledge this form of abuse that leaves victims incredibly traumatized.** Abusers don’t always abuse in plain sight, but they are blatantly “handsy” in public. Watch for people who just can’t help themselves. They will cross physical boundaries that stretch beyond the norm. Watch for rubbing, caressing, roaming hands, fingers that sweep across intimate body parts, even if for a split second. This is not normal or acceptable. Also watch the person receiving the touch. Tense shoulders, confused looks, squirming, etc. are all signs that the person is uncomfortable and is too paralyzed or fearful to say anything.
The words tell a lot–I know of no abuser who hasn’t made very strange, inappropriate comments within earshot of others. Make no mistake, these comments are intentional. This is part of the testing process. Most bystanders don’t even realize that course joking, talking about sexual attraction, or how children are “starting to bud” is happening. Abusers pepper inappropriate comments into the conversation to see how far they can push boundaries. Even when bystanders hear it, they are so caught off guard that they don’t intervene. Also, conversations are “all about the kids.” Kids this, kids that, kids, kids, kids. Think obsession. There’s a difference between a mention and an obsession.
The gait is slower and head is downward–Skilled abusers are patient. Their gait (the way they walk) reflects that. Watch for people who aren’t in as much of a hurry, who are observant, and who walk with eyes cast downward. A sex offender once told me that all pedophiles, as they walk, keep looking down near their feet. He said, “I don’t know why this is so, but we cannot look straight ahead for more than a few seconds like most of you can.” I have theories on this, but my theories are not the point of this post. The point is that I’ve witnessed this as well with every person I’ve suspected may be an abuser.
Information mining–The most common and dangerous question is, “Tell me about yourself.” Abusers are always mining information. Always. They accumulate information by simply asking us to talk about ourselves. Humans, generally, associate this with someone being interested in us. When this question is asked, we volunteer all kinds of information about our job, our church, our children, and on the list goes. As a friend told me today, “You become the hostess giving them a complete menu rundown. Facebook is a menu. Your conversation is a menu. And they become so interested in you and your family that you forget to ask them anything about theirs.”
Covert aggressive–Abusers are incredibly covert aggressive. Before you know it, you have become an accomplice to their plan while they come off as being kindhearted, benevolent, and deeply spiritual. They know when to turn the aggression up and when to dial it back. Abusers always seem to violate boundaries but “don’t know what you’re talking about” if they are ever confronted. Even if a person is hesitant to fulfill a request, the abuser will make that person feel bad for not agreeing then appears to be a saint to everyone else. For example, a parent will be shamed for not wanting their kid to spend alone time with the person. Those parents end up allowing it and the community sees the abuser as a saint who “just adores kids.” An observant person can usually tell very quickly if someone is being covert aggressive towards others. **edit–Originally, I used the term passive aggressive. A reader correctly pointed out that covert aggressive is a more accurate term. I agree.**

I’ve heard people talk about ending abuse, screening abusers out, making abusers scared, and on. I disagree with all of these and think our methodology is weak. Like rip currents, abusers have been around since the beginning of time and they aren’t going anywhere. Survivors of abuse know full well that abusers don’t walk away with their tails between their legs. They are not humble. They do not stop. The best use of our time, energy, and resources needs to be on spotting dangerous people quickly and avoiding them.

In addition to this, we need to train people for what to do when they identify dangerous people. We need to shatter the myths and stop fearing abusers. We need to let abusers know that we see them. We need to stop waiting until a reportable incident happens until we act. Our police departments and advocacy organizations are completely overwhelmed. They need our help. Children need us to intervene before an adult or peer has a chance to abuse them. We should be creating safe zones by warning people about people who are not safe. This includes dangerous registered sex offenders who are in our churches. If we know that they have a history of abusing children, it makes no sense why we fail to inform others. Until this happens, we have our work cut out for us.

Photo by Patryk Sobczak on Unsplash