Category: Healing

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A Safe Place: Guest Post by Pastor Gricel Medina & Ryan Ashton

safe church

EDITOR’S NOTE
The poor, sick, and oppressed flocked to Jesus by the thousands because He was safe. Sometimes He called people to follow Him. Other times people begged to follow Him and He sent them away to live in peace instead. Jesus didn’t elevate the invitation to church above justice and nurturing the wounded. This guest post is by two people whom I love dearly and who really understand what it is to provide a safe community for survivors of abuse. This is incredibly helpful.
—Jimmy Hinton

“Church is one of the least safe places to acknowledge abuse because the way it is counseled is, more often than not, damaging to the victim…. It is with deep regret that I say the Church is one of the worst places to go for help.”
—Rachael Denhollander ¹


Never have the words “church is one of the least safe places” been so true as these past few years. From megachurches to non-denominational churches, Independent Fundamental Baptists to Southern Baptists, progressive to conservative, religious communities are full of tragedies we can no longer ignore. Listening to so many survivors tell their stories of the horrible ways they were treated by the Church leaves no doubt that churches have become some of the most unsafe places on the planet to be a survivor of abuse. Faith communities too often hide a toxic culture where abusers thrive and victims are shunned and silenced. The dismissiveness of those in authority, the isolation of the vulnerable, the imbalance of power, and the expectation to stay silent and “forgive” are realities we all must acknowledge. Our theology and Christ’s gospel have so often been hijacked by those who use it as a license for impunity rather than accountability, and church culture has become complicit by rewarding the silence of institutional protectionism. No one is safe under the current conditions of the Church today.


While walking with survivors we are often asked “what is a safe church? How will I know I’m ready to go back?”

According to the most recent statistics, one in three women and one in six men experience sexual abuse at some point in their lives.² In a congregation of 100 people, that is easily 25% of those who attend, and these numbers are most likely low estimates. If we include domestic violence, emotional or spiritual abuse, these numbers climb to as much as 40% according to some experts.³ This is important to understand because we all know a survivor of abuse, even if we do not yet realize it. Survivors are watching how we’ve been responding to #MeToo and other stories of abuse in our society, especially the tragedies currently involving the Church. 

However, some survivors taking a break from attending church becomes a problem for many Christians. For many survivors, taking a break from church meetings is the only alternative they have if they cannot find people they can trust. Abuse survivors can still believe in Jesus while being unable to engage a religious community where they would be reliving their deep and lasting traumas of spiritual, sexual, or emotional abuse inflicted by Christians in the Church.

While walking with survivors we are often asked “what is a safe church? How will I know I’m ready to go back?” Making the Church a safe place begins with us. We hope to provide some insight of what we have both learned about safe churches. 

Making Your Church a Safe Church

One of the worst things to say to a survivor is “there is no such thing as a perfect church.” This confusing of definitions belittle survivors. “Safe” is very different than “perfect.” People will always disappoint and hurt us in a fallen world, but enduring abuse is never an option we must settle for. Abuse or predatory behavior is never acceptable under any circumstance.

To boil it down to a simple definition, abuse is anything someone does to isolate, deflect, manipulate, or intimidate you. Abuse can be sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual, and many resources exist that explain what abuse looks like under a variety of contexts.

A safe church is one that does not tolerate any mistreatment of any member, whether it’s from a casual attendee to the highly-respected and gifted celebrity pastor. No one is above accountability in a safe church (cf. Matthew 18; 1 Timothy 5:19). Safe churches take every allegation seriously, report crimes immediately, do not silence or shame victims, and support victims with tangible resources. Most pastors are not equipped to counsel trauma victims and safe churches refer victims to professional therapy for their trauma. Safe churches recognize sadness and lament are appropriate responses to hurt and that anger is a correct response to injustice (cf. Psalm 82). Safe churches give space for victims to fully grieve their loss and betrayal and grieve with victims as a community (cf. Romans 12:15). Safe churches do not force people to conform to a false positivity (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:26). Safe places do not just hear what a victim is saying, but truly listen with empathetic hearts that are willing to learn. Walking with survivors is a long-term process and overcoming trauma is a lifelong journey. 

It is especially difficult for those with authoritative or dogmatic backgrounds to be willing to listen. We are tempted to give out advice on trauma which often comes from a place of discomfort seeking to quickly fix a person or situation. Yet trauma is not a superficial wound and cannot be quickly healed. As Christian therapist, Dr. Diane Langberg, says, victims need “talking, tears, and time.”⁴ Coercing forgiveness actually impedes the healing God is doing and is incredibly detrimental to survivors.

Abusers are master manipulators, using deception and deflection to appear as victims themselves.⁵  However, abusers cannot get the help they need unless people are willing to hold them accountable. This is extremely important when an abuser is someone in power, where it is hard to take a hurting victim seriously when the alleged perpetrator shines in the spotlight. Yet enough cases exist where horrendous abuse is overlooked because the abuser is likable, nice, or has a veneer of spirituality. When this pattern repeats itself over and over and a wake of victims demonstrate a long-term and willful ignorance, people always say “I wish I would have listened!” Yet when a leader who flees or resigns in disgrace, often only to reappear again in a different place, there are plenty of people who warn the pattern will continue, only to be dismissed. The truth is that church culture does not listen. We must be wiser than predators, and that begins with believing victims and ensuring every situation is properly handled with the right authorities.


Too often, victims suffer more from their faith community’s ignorance, lack of empathy, and the rush to quickly fix things, leaving deep and lasting wounds to someone already hurting.

A safe church is one that values the voices of survivors, knowing that when God heals a victim, they become a powerful agent for justice who always look out for others. Abuse is the last thing a community of Christ should enable, but often our communal desire for acceptance impairs our wisdom and discernment to see what is otherwise apparent. It is for this reason that God is faithful to send people to warn us—often survivors themselves—who can advise our communities on what to look for. They’ve lived through it, and know better than most what manipulation and abuse looks like. Similar to the prophets and prophetesses of old, God always provides His body with an immune system whose  priceless wisdom sees through a manipulator’s charm.

Addressing Church Culture

Christian institutions can become a culture of deceit because genuine spirituality is hard to measure. Image-conscious communities tend to reward the flashy, put-together people instead of standing with those who are broken. In contrast, a safe church is one where survivors are not isolated from everyone else and kept at an arm’s length, but are valued and included. We all come to Christ with baggage, and we even acquire hurts after believing in Him. Safe places understand and value the imperfections of human beings and are careful to discern the difference between someone’s involuntary trauma responses and “sin.” Safe churches do not confuse Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, hurt, or grief with sin, but have compassion. There are no accusations of “bitterness” or “unforgiveness” in a loving community. Too often, victims suffer more from their faith community’s ignorance, lack of empathy, and the rush to quickly fix things, leaving deep and lasting wounds to someone already hurting. 

When institutional change is required, safe churches embrace transparency and accountability and listen to the voices of victims. Repentance—both individual and corporate—takes time. Survivors are looking for places where the willingness to change culture supersedes the desire to maintain a damaging status quo. Predators have taken advantage of the havens Christians unwittingly made for them. The more we learn about abuse and trauma, the more every part of our society needs to adapt—from politics, workplaces, homes, and churches.

Churches need to rethink how to approach authority since no one is infallible, including leaders. In some circles, the pastor has arrogantly replaced the Holy Spirit, and our expected obeisance often approaches idolatry. Every one of us is responsible for making our faith communities safe places for the vulnerable, and that requires understanding how social influence, peer pressure, and coercive control works in churches. We all experience the effects of socialization without realizing it, much as a fish experiences wetness. We should never ignore the red flags that raise internal alarms. If something seems wrong, it is worth paying attention to. We have all been given the ability to discern between good and evil and are responsible to do so. (Cf. 1 John 4:1; 1Thessalonians 5:20-21)

Prevention & Education

Beyond caring for survivors in our midst, do our churches equip themselves with the best practices on prevention? Are we aware of national organizations like GRACE or local resources that can empower our faith communities implement policies that protect the vulnerable? 

Some questions we need to ask include inquiring of our church leaders whether there is an abuse prevention policy at all. If there isn’t one, that’s a problem; if your church leadership is evasive about providing you with it, that’s another problem. Do we have competent and properly vetted volunteers? Do we perform background checks on a yearly basis? Since many abusers are not caught, do we look for behaviors rather than rely solely on background checks? Are there at least two to three volunteers with children at all times? Are bathroom visits for children supervised with more than one volunteer? Are there windows in the nursery and classrooms? Do we have board members or elders who are able to disagree with the pastor and hold them accountable? Do we adequately support spouses if they come forward with a domestic violence complaint? How do we respond if we fail? 

Conclusion

Rather than expect survivors to attend your church, do whatever you can to make your church a safe place. Survivors will come when they are ready. Realize that because God is everywhere, He has not abandoned survivors. Psalm 139 among many other passages should be the confidence we rely on for God’s continuing presence in the believer who cannot attend church services. God is not angry or annoyed with victims, and neither should we be as the Church. God is near the broken-hearted (cf. Psalm 34). Building a safe church requires us to be safe people, those who reflect the unconditional love of God. 

These words of wisdom from F. Remy Diederich’s Broken Trust are particularly helpful for those wondering how to approach the Christian who is no longer attending church services: 

“Resist the temptation or sense of obligation to return to your former group, or any organized religion, right away. When you come out of a performance-based setting, you will naturally feel the need to be a ‘good Christian’ and return. 

“Part of the sickness of spiritual abuse is that it demands an unhealthy dependence on a person, or organization, rather than on God. Taking a break from organized religion is a good way to prove to yourself that you can survive with God alone. Well-meaning believers will tell you that you must be in a fellowship of faith. It’s dangerous to isolate yourself from the Body of Christ. All kinds of problems will result if you aren’t a part of a community of believers. Nonsense. That’s like telling someone who just came out of an abusive marriage to get married right away. In both scenarios, a person needs time to reflect on what just happened. Their soul needs to be repaired before re-engaging.

“Spiritual safety doesn’t come from organized religion. It comes from the Spirit of God living inside of you. Being a member of a faith community can certainly help you, and it’s my hope that you will one day return to be an active member of a healthy community, but you can survive a season without one. Just like a wounded athlete has to leave the game to tend to their injury, so there are times when a wounded believer needs to leave their faith community. In both cases, the goal is to return. What your well-meaning friends don’t understand are the raw feelings people often have after a spiritually abusive experience. Going to worship too soon can actually be traumatic. You might be surprised how sensitive you are to experiences that remind you of the past abuse. Give yourself permission to take a sabbatical from organized religion so your broken trust can be repaired.”

Be that safe person—that love of God incarnate. As Dr. Diane Langberg writes in The Spiritual Impact of Sexual Abuse: 

“In other words, we are to demonstrate in the flesh the character of God over time so that who we are reveals the truth about God to the survivor. This is not in any way to deny or underestimate the Word of God. However, often the Word needs to be fleshed out and not just spoken for us to truly grasp what it means. 

“This work is both difficult and a great privilege. The task of serving as a representative of God so that His character can be grasped and believed is far beyond any capability of yours or mine. It is a work that will bring us to our knees if we let it, with hearts hungry for more of God so that we might bring His presence in very concrete ways into places where He has not yet been known.”

In those places of darkness, despair, and excruciating pain, Jesus is there. He never leaves us or forsakes us. We have found that it is in the darkness that some of the most sacred church services are found wherever love is graciously displayed. You do not need a church building to be that safe place. 

Gricel Medina is a pastor, speaker, writer, and advocate who has planted three churches and leads a prayer movement for the MidSouth Conference. Pastor Medina has written for several widely distributed Spanish and English magazines, devotionals, and blogs, including Covenant Companion. She is a regular writer for the award-winning magazine, Mutuality, and the CBE blog Arise. Pastor Medina has been a speaker for CBE International Conference and The Courage Conference.
Twitter: @pastorgricel

Ryan Ashton is a survivor, advocate, and graphic designer. A 2018 graduate from Bob Jones University (BFA, Graphic Design), Ryan is the Director of Technology and Social Media for GRACE and the Creative Director for The Courage Conference. Ryan currently volunteers with Greenville’s Julie Valentine Center as a sexual assault victim advocate.
Twitter: @ryanllashton

References

[1] Lee, Morgan. “My Larry Nassar Testimony Went Viral. But There’s More to the Gospel Than Forgiveness.” Christian History | Learn the History of Christianity & the Church, Christianity Today, www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/january-web-only/rachael-denhollander-larry-nassar-forgiveness-gospel.html. Accessed 15 Jan. 2019.
[2] “Sexual Assault in the United States.” Sexual Assault Statistics | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), www.nsvrc.org/statistics.
[3] “Interview with Rachael Denhollander about Pastors Protecting Children and Advocating for Victims.” Practical Shepherding, 15 Feb. 2018, practicalshepherding.com/2019/02/14/interview-with-rachael-denhollander-about-pastors-protecting-children-and-advocating-for-victims/.
[4] “A Visit from Dr. Diane Langberg.” Helping Up Mission, 11 May 2017, helpingupmission.org/2017/05/langberg/. Accessed 18 Feb. 2019.
[5] “What Is DARVO?” Commentary: Loftus, Bugs Bunny, Memory, & Media, Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences, Stanford University, https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html?fbclid=IwAR2A9jTrqhzHHliPt0GxdZZDBPX5yl6-a_idcFthXIB05dYj8prcU8q3NUk#Short%20Definition. Accessed 18 Feb. 2019.

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Take it from someone who reported abuse in the church: Get outside help

Bill Hybels

Since #MeToo and #ChurchToo have taken off, more and more abusers are being outed.  Many of those abusers are in positions of power at their churches.  The most recent story is with Willow Creek Community Church.    Just this week Steve Carter resigned, followed by lead pastor Heather Larson and the entire board of elders.  To say that the elders handled this whole process poorly from the beginning is an understatement.  They radically defended founder Bill Hybels from the first allegations, which did unspeakable damage to victims everywhere.  Frankly, abuse victims are fed up with churches that continually miss opportunities to side with the oppressed and instead choose to publicly defend and support the oppressors.  Survivors, both Christian and not, were watching and waiting, hoping Willow Creek would get this right.  Willow Creek failed and millions of survivors felt the sting all over again.  Elder Missy Rasmussen issued an overdue apology this week to the brave survivors who came forward, stating in part, “We have no reason to not believe any of you. We are sorry that our initial statements were so insensitive, defensive and reflexively protective of Bill.”

This post is not meant to critique the church’s initial and subsequent poor responses that led to all these resignations.  There are a number of reasons why well-intended churches keep getting their response wrong time and time again.  Nor is this post meant to gloat and say, “we told you so” when we see an entire leadership crumble like it did this week.  There are no wins when churches get it wrong.  When churches fail, survivors are hurt.  Victims who are currently being abused are invalidated, pushed further into the margins, and are almost guaranteed not to speak up for fear of being shamed or not believed.  And, tragically, genuine defenders of justice like Steve Carter and Heather Larson step down when they are exactly the ones who survivors need to stay.  I really just want to humbly share my experience seven years ago as a new minister who had to report an unlikely abuser in my church–my own father.  I did’t get everything right, but my decision to put my pride aside and listen to the voice of the victim who sat across from my desk was vital for her healing and for the protection of many more victims.

It was a sunny July Friday in 2011 and I was only 2 short years into my role as a full time minister when I got the call asking if I could meet with a young woman whom I deeply respect and admire.  She handed me a piece of paper and broke down in tears.  I was holding in my hands a piece of paper that described her abuse at the hands of my father from when she was just a young child.  That single piece of paper changed the course of my life forever.  I have always had a very close relationship with my father.  In fact, he preached at the same church I’m at for 27 years.  I went into ministry because of his example.  We’ve officiated weddings together, talked for hours at a time about the church, shared ideas about reaching out to our community, and I’ve always had the utmost respect for him.  Make no mistake, based on who I thought my father was up the point of that Friday meeting, her allegations came as a shocking and devastating blow.  Never had I suspected my own flesh and blood–my childhood hero–of molesting very young children.

Jimmy(R) and his dad(2nd R)

Yet there I sat with a sobbing victim and a piece of paper with clear allegations of abuse.  My entire life flashed in an instant.  He was the man who held my mother’s hand when I was born.  He was the man who taught me about God and life.  He was the one who encouraged me when everyone else told me I was stupid for going into ministry.  He taught me how to drive and brought me to take my exam.  Twice.  He was the one who gently informed me when one of my best friends was in an accident and passed away.  Everything I knew about the man was good and I could have easily chosen to believe that she was mistaken and he was innocent.  But I couldn’t ignore her cries and she had no reason to make up false allegations of that magnitude.  I remember attempting to gain my composure.  I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye, and said, “I believe you.  I have no idea what any of this is going to look like.  But one thing I know for sure–it stops now.”  

There was nothing inside of me that wanted to believe, though.  Believing meant that I had to report my own father to the police.  It meant that there was a strong possibility that there would be more victims in my church.  It meant that the innocent, happy days of ministering to a joyful, innocent church were short lived.  It meant that there would be a possibility of my dad spending the rest of his life in prison.  The questions without answers were endless.  Hope seemed like an ambiguous fairy tale.  The fear of what awaited my family and my church was crippling.  I was grasping to know who my real father was.  I was angry at my God for not protecting his little children.  I had every emotion known to man hit me in a span of about ten minutes.  It’s impossible to put into adequate words what was going on inside my mind and body at that moment.

An hour after receiving the worst news of my life, I was at a wedding rehearsal for one of our church members whose wedding I was officiating.  I felt like I’d been swept along by a tsunami only to emerge into a parallel universe where people were celebrating the happiest day of their life.  The next day I struggled through the wedding, which my dad attended.  The following day I preached to my congregation, which my dad also attended.  The next day my mom and I were in the police station reporting my father.  It probably sounds strange, but at the time I felt like a Judas.  As dumb as it sounds now, there was a part of me then that felt like somehow I was ruining his life.  I wanted so badly to wake up and find out that it had all been a dream.  But each new morning brought with it the reality that this was in fact more of a living nightmare.  

My religious tribe does not have a governing body like most denominations.  Each church is autonomous in its leadership structure.  Because my congregation was small, we had no elders or deacons at the time so I really didn’t have any other leaders to share this burden with.  I was the only person in an official leadership position.  My wife and I had endless conversations about who we would tell and when.  We found out quickly that he’d confessed to many victims and the worst was yet to come.  My dad, not knowing I was the one who turned him in, told me the names of his victims a few days before his arrest.  Several of them were young children from my church.  In a feeble attempt to step into the shoes of the families, my wife and I decided that, if it was our child, we would want to hear about it from our minister before the police knocked on our door.  I happened to be their minister and the abuser happened to be my own father.  My wife and I made the short drive to their house and, through tears and audible gasps for breath, I told them that their children had been molested by my father.  

It was a few weeks later until he was arrested.  Every agonizing day that passed meant we were one day closer to announcing to my church that their former minister, my father, was being arrested for molesting dozens of children.  It was a Friday when the detective called me.  The call was short, to the point, and she graciously gave me the call as a courtesy: “Jimmy, we have your dad in custody.  It will be in the papers Monday and the story won’t be nice.  Now is the time to tell your church.  Protect your family the best you can.  I’m so sorry.”  

My wife and I prepared a written statement that I would read to my church that Sunday.  Though I did not save that letter, I remember the content fairly well.

Dear brothers and sisters,

This weekend my dad was arrested for molesting dozens of children.  Initially a victim disclosed to me and my mom and I made a police report.  He has since confessed to molesting dozens of children over a span of several decades.  We are working with police to ensure we are certain who all of his victims are.  I know what every parent is asking right now and I beg you all not to speculate or gossip for the sake of his victims.  If you have any questions, please talk to me or the police directly.  There is no question that is off limits to ask me at this point.  I may not have answers to those questions immediately, but I will do my very best to find out.  This has been a devastating blow to this church and my family.  I’m so sorry for the pain that my father has caused us all.  I promise to continue to minister to this congregation as long as I am able, but I ask for your patience and grace as we wade through this.  I also ask that we all work together as a family to bring healing to those who’ve been injured and to figure this out so that it never happens again.  

Were it not for my incredible wife, my mom, family members, and a few close friends who offered advice and support from the very beginning, things would have turned out differently.  I spent countless hours weeping, praying, and seeking advice from the people closest to me.  I never shut people out or acted as if I could turn a few Bible pages to get a clear answer for how to handle these allegations.  Church leaders, hear me loud and clear–when allegations of abuse arise seek outside help.  Seek the wisdom from people who have it.  Don’t rally around the accused because you are friends with him or her and you think you know them well.  Don’t minimize the allegations even if they don’t sound very serious at the time.  Unlike seven years ago, there are invaluable resources out there today.  There is no excuse not to seek outside help from people who specialize in cases of sexual or physical abuse.  There are resources out there.  Find them and don’t be stingy with your time or financial resources when it comes to getting help.

There are several of us who offer specialized consulting.  Sometimes you may have to seek an independent investigation.  Never investigate abuse internally.  Know mandated reporting laws.  Be prepared to go against the rest of your leadership group.  They may decide not to report a case of abuse or to tell the church about an abusive person.  If you’re mandated to report, report it anyway regardless of whether the rest of the leaders want you to or not.  If it means you will lose your position or job, be prepared to lose it.  I once responded to a minister who did not want to report his “very best friend” for fear of losing his job: “Jesus tells us to lay down our lives for one another.  You’re not even willing to lay down your job.”  Until we have people who stand up and do the right thing no matter the personal cost, the cesspool of abuse will continue in the church and the devil will win.  Take it from someone who’s been there–reporting someone you love is terrible.  There is no glamour in protecting the innocent from wolves.  It’s not fun and it’s certainly not easy.

But when we do, we honor Christ and his church.  We give a voice back to those whose voices have been stolen.  When we stand up for the innocent and vulnerable we demonstrate that abuse won’t be tolerated and we pave the way for healing.  We now have elders at my congregation who take abuse very seriously.  We’ve made radical changes, have worked to train our members, and have a solid protection policy in place. 

I close with this story that is one of the most powerful moments since this all happened, and one that makes all of my efforts to speak up worth it.  I conducted a local training on abuse a few years ago and the father of some of my dad’s young victims came as a speaker.  I showed up early to get things set up and the father arrived with his children whom I’d never met–a group of young sisters who were all victims of my father.  He introduced me to them this way: “Kids, this is Jimmy. . . . (long pause and deep breath). . . Hinton.  This is the man who stopped his dad from doing all those horrible things to you.”

They all looked up at me, came over, and hugged me.  The oldest daughter, through tears, looked up at me and said, “Thank you.”  Those two words are words that I cherish and will hold close to my heart until I die.  Fellow leaders, we won’t get everything right.  None of us ever do.  But we need to be humble and honest with ourselves and others.  When we don’t know the best avenue for handling allegations of abuse, we better pick up the phone and call someone who does.

  

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4 Suggestions for preachers to broach the subject of abuse

Bible

With so many churches covering up abuse or ignoring it altogether, its vital that we be serious about tackling abuse. The reality is that many, many people don’t trust the church anymore. I’ve heard survivors vow to never grace a church building again. Sadly, we’ve given them plenty of reasons not to and it breaks my heart. With that said, there are things that we must do if we are ever going to truly be a shelter for the oppressed. These are my suggestion, and I’d like to hear what others would add.

#1 Confront the issue head on
We preachers like to tip toe around uncomfortable subjects. I used to be so worried that I would offend someone and they wouldn’t come back. I don’t intentionally offend people, but I’m no longer afraid of doing so either. We have to to quit sanitizing our language. I’ve literally heard preachers say, “There are people out there doing bad things.” Seriously. We’ve got to stop intentionally keeping people naive. I still get requests when I speak places not to say anything that is “offensive.” My response usually is, “With all due respect, adults raping children is offensive to me. If you’re not willing to get offended for their sake, how can I trust that you will actually protect them from their rapists?”

I’m not at all suggesting that we use gory details and traumatize our audience. But our language needs to be direct and strong. “Abuse” is way too generic. Acknowledge that both adults and children are being raped, neglected, beaten, and verbally assaulted.

#2 Recognize that you know that some in the audience are currently being abused
Every time I speak at a church, there are multiple survivors of abuse who speak to me afterwards. There are no exceptions. Many survivors I’ve spoken with feel emotionally invisible. They wonder why nobody within leadership has ever seen or acknowledged their pain. Jesus publicly said, “He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Luke 4:18-19). Jesus was quoting from Isaiah 61 and he simply summed up his mission. Why did the poor and oppressed feel safe to speak to Jesus and not the other religious leaders? It was because Jesus was crystal clear that his mission was to set them free. He never pretended like everyone had it together. Quite the opposite. Jesus routinely acknowledged, embraced, and protected the poor, the sick, and the oppressed in every town he went to.

#3 Be ready to respond to allegations of abuse
Have a plan for how you will respond if your message empowers survivors to speak up. Most importantly, have a plan for how to respond if one of your fellow leaders is the abuser. I cannot overstate the importance of this point. Of the dozens of churches I’ve consulted with, over 80% of the alleged abusers were in some form of church leadership. Take it from someone who had to turn in his own father, reporting someone you love, respect, and admire is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. Be prepared and make no excuses. If someone in your congregation discloses that a church leader is abusing them, be prepared to take action immediately. If it is with a minor, assume that you are a mandated reporter and report it immediately to law enforcement. Talk with the parents and hold their hand through the entire process. Assure them that you will not protect the abuser, no matter who he or she is.

If an affair is uncovered or if there was spiritual abuse, be prepared to take action to protect the person who discloses the abuse. Removing someone from leadership and keeping quiet about the abuse is immoral and unethical. Let the church know the reason why the person had to be removed. I get nauseated every time I find out that a minister was fired for misconduct and the church leaders lie to the church and say he “resigned.” Then the person moves to another city or sate and reinvents himself. Pennsylvania and Texas have “Pass the Trash” legislation that prevents school administrators from turning a blind eye to teachers who abuse students then seek employment in another district. We churches need to stop “passing the trash” too.

#4 Come up with a plan to bring healing to survivors
One of the fair criticisms of my church leaders has been that I preach a lot about oppression but don’t offer enough solutions. Survivors especially need to know that we are going to do more than just preach about it. Jesus didn’t just protect. He provided hope. He believed in the oppressed and admired their faith. I recently began working with local agencies to network survivors in the community with our church. They need more than just sermons. They need to know that people believe in them and that there is hope and joy.

If all people ever hear is that there are tons of evil people out there and that churches keep perpetuating abuse, they’ll get discouraged real quick. Offer a tangible solution to the problem and cast that vision to your church. Invite people to join you in this mission to help the oppressed. But be sure to have a clear plan.

Do you have any suggestions?

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My letter of apology to survivors of abuse

Apology letter to survivors

A few years ago I was asked to write a letter of apology on behalf of church leaders who’ve mistreated survivors of abuse. This was a tall order and I had to dig deep into my soul. I didn’t want to write a letter that was shrugged off by those leaders who actually perpetuate abuse. I wanted it to come directly from my heart but also call leaders to repentance. We all need to repent and do a much better job of caring for the oppressed who Jesus poured out his compassion on. Here is my unabridged letter to survivors:

Dear survivor,
We church leaders across the world need to repent and beg for your forgiveness. We have often ignored your cries, criticized you for your “lack of faith,” and have not loved you through the eyes of Jesus.

First and foremost, know that you are loved. God loves you exactly where you are and he gave his Son to die for you. . . yes you! He made you in His image and you are his sons and daughters. You may be wondering why God failed you and allowed you to be abused. Truth be told, God didn’t fail you–sinful people did. Despite what you may have been told, the abuse was not your fault. It never was. You are worthy of God’s love, and you are worthy of the love of mankind. Yes, You. Are. Worthy!

Somewhere along the line, we church leaders got it badly wrong. We began to shift our focus away from the wounded and started to protect the church’s image. The sheer number of children who continue to be abused and ignored by the church clearly demonstrates this sad fact. The apostle Paul once boldly wrote, “If I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I AM NOTHING.”

The beloved Paul went on to say that love always protects. By very definition, love cannot allow people we care about to continue to be harmed. And I acknowledge and affirm what the Bible and psychologists both agree upon—Children need trustworthy adults to protect them. Yet many of you have deep scars that evidence you were not protected.

The most common cliché I hear from churches who insist on not taking any precautions to protect their children is this—“We have a group of volunteers we trust so why would we upset them by demanding background checks and watching over them every time they want to serve?” Great question. Let me tell you about a story of a man who trusted his own father. . . who happened to be a well-respected father and preacher! My dad has dozens of victims who all have heart-shattering stories of shame, pain, and humiliation. He was able to gain access to children precisely because everybody trusted him. Let me also tell you about hundreds of other people who have shared similar stories with me as I listen to their painful stories. They all tell a similar story: “Nobody questioned my abuser because he was the guy everyone loved and trusted.”

The reason churches remain among the highest risk for sex offenses to occur is that, through denial, resistance, and victim-blaming we have created the perfect place for innocent people to get hurt. As the famed Dr. Anna Salter once told me, “Churches are such inviting targets.”

I have prayed and wept with survivors of abuse who have told me stories of not being believed, of being forced to publicly forgive their abuser while the abuser gets off without having to say a word. I’ve heard stories of adults still wetting the bed and attempting suicide. I’ve helped survivors battling drug and alcohol addictions and others who suffer from recurring nightmares, depression, and anxiety. I’ve wept as I listened to the trembling voices of survivors talk about how desperate they were for Jesus but were kicked out of churches for their “sinful” attitudes as they struggled to find a shred of self-worth. I’ve listened to pretty women who tell me how ugly they feel on the inside and others who cover up their scars with makeup each day.

I’ve heard others tell me how they will never trust in God again because his people have hurt them time and time again. And I’ve had church leaders mock me, ridicule my theology, and tell me that I am inflating numbers and shining light on a problem that doesn’t exist.

The Good News is that Jesus spent his entire ministry surrounded by both sinners and marginalized outcasts. He became indignant when his disciples kept children from coming to him. Jesus shielded an adulterous woman from rocks and spoke mercy and grace into her tender soul. Perhaps he knew what led her down her path of shame. I don’t know.

But what I do know is that we church leaders across the world need to repent and beg for your forgiveness. Our words, though, are empty without action. We will right the wrongs that are being inflicted upon survivors each and every day. We will welcome the broken and protect the innocent from abusers.

For those of you sitting here, and across the globe who have been treated poorly by church leaders, we’re sorry. For those of you who hated yourselves and were desperately looking for love and acceptance but didn’t receive it, we beg your forgiveness. To those of you who were forced to continue to be near your abuser and face him or her day after day, have mercy on us. For those of you who told your stories and were told not to ever tell anyone else, there are no words to make up for that injustice. God expects better from us.

We pastors vow to do a better job listening, believing, and protecting. We promise to listen to your hearts and walk beside you in your pain. We promise to strengthen the weak and heal the sick. We will bind up the injured and bring back the strays. We will seek the lost. In the words of our Savior, Jesus Christ, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Let’s march forward together in this spiritual war that’s being waged. Fellow soldiers of Christ, arise and fight! The devil may have won some battles, but I promise you that by the grace of God, he will not win this war! Amen

–Letter of apology to survivors by Jimmy Hinton

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5 Things church leaders should do to treat the wounds of survivors

In my last post, I gave 5 reasons why church leaders don’t treat the wounds of abuse survivors. It’s one thing to continually point to the deficiencies of the church (which could go on forever!), but I like to instead offer tangible solutions. Really, God offers the solutions. We just have to put them into practice. That’s it. Jesus offered very real solutions to some very real problems. There are two things that will cause harm to people who turn to the church for help–inactivity and the wrong activity. I used a hospital metaphor the last time, so I’ll use it again here. We should be aware that there are some hospitals that are in decline. They will continue to fail until someone takes the lead and begins offering tangible solutions and actually follows through! The church is no different. We need to talk solutions and actually find people willing to lead the charge and make changes. If the church is really going to be a hospital for sinners and if we are serious about healing, then we must have a clear plan. Here are my top 5, in no particular order of significance.

#1 Leaders need to know that triage is essential for people who are hurting
Every emergency room has triage nurses. They are trained to assess and assign, and are the first point of contact when a patient comes in. They assess the degree of urgency the minute a patient comes through the door. Every single patient’s needs are assessed and from there they are assigned to the proper specialist at the proper time. Certain patients are given priority over others due to the severity of their illness or injury. There is good reason for this. I’ve been in full time ministry for nearly a decade and have rarely seen this done in the church. In fact, rather than assess and assign, we most often assume and avoid. We assume everyone either is in their happy place or they should be and we avoid the people with the deepest wounds. Even if desperate people are lucky enough to find someone who will listen to them, it could be days until a scheduled appointment takes place. This is unacceptable for people in crisis.

Jesus and his disciples assessed and assigned constantly. Think about it. When they fed 5,000, they didn’t just happen to find a group of thousands hanging out one day. No, the reason they crossed the Sea of Galilee was because so many people came and went that the disciples couldn’t even find time to eat (Mark 6:31). They crossed the sea to escape people and find a desolate place to rest and recover. According to Matthew, this was right after John the Baptist was murdered and Jesus wanted to get away. But the crowds figured out where they were going and beat them there by foot (Mark 6:33). Exhausted from sleep deprivation and hunger, they saw a crowd of thousands waiting on the shore. Jesus “had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd.” He taught them and fed them that same day. When Peter and John went to the Temple after Jesus ascended, a beggar who was lame from birth cried out to them. Peter stopped, looked intently at the man, and said three words that changed his life forever: “Look at us” (Acts 3:4). Probably for the first time ever, someone was intentional about making eye contact with this man. Many of you know the significance of what Peter did for this man by uttering these three words in that moment. They didn’t give him money that day. But they gave him something far more significant. Peter and John let him know that they saw him. And they healed him. Not everyone received this level of care, and not everyone was treated immediately. Jesus taught us how to triage–to assess and assign.

#2 Leaders need to use discernment
The seeker friendly movement, in my opinion, has removed discernment from church leaders who once upon a time had common sense. Suppose a woman comes into the hospital with severe bruises. An intoxicated man is beside her yelling and cursing at her. Trained staff know how to read signs and act accordingly and immediately. The woman is immediately shielded from the man, police are called, and she is prioritized for treatment. Every hospital has procedures for how to protect people from abusers. Rethink this scenario. The battered woman comes in and the nurse begins asking her, “What did you do to provoke him?” “You really need to forgive him if you’re going to find healing for these wounds.” The man says he is sorry, that it was all a big misunderstanding. He is now prioritized, brought back to a room, and nurses begin looking at the cuts on his knuckles. They hug him and say how wonderful it is that he apologized to his wife out in the waiting room. He displayed what the model patient should look like. He took the “high road” when his wife was yelling and screaming about how he’s to blame.

This sounds ridiculous but I’ve seen this scenario play out over and over and over again. All the hundreds of biblical references to protecting the oppressed, caring for the needy, and ferreting out the wolves in sheep’s clothing get tossed aside in the name of cheap grace. We proudly proclaim, “All are welcome. . . come as you are.” That’s fine, but where is the discernment in this process? Not all sins are equal. Nor is the treatment of people who commit the sins. Sometimes Jesus flipped tables and made whips of cords. Other times he talks about it being better for people to have massive rock tied around their necks and to be drowned in the depth of the sea compared to what’s in store for them. Still other times, he is defensive and compassionate to prostitutes who scrub his feet with tears and hair, women who are caught in the act of adultery, and Samaritans who have had five failed marriages. Why? Because Jesus showed us how to use discernment and know the difference between oppressors and the oppressed.

#3 Leaders need to sit on the ash heap with people
Spending time with friends in crisis is not something that can be outsourced. I don’t know of a church leader who has not outsourced a church member to a professional therapist. While it’s wise to know our limitations and expertise, this needs to stop being the catch all response for every person in crisis. Not every person needs or is willing to see a therapist. Many people have been badly burned by therapists and are coming to church leaders because they need someone who will just simply listen. Let the words resonate from Job. He literally lost everything. . . everything. Then he gets painful boils all over his body. Listen closely: “And he took a piece of broken pottery with which to scrape himself while he sat in the ashes” (Job 2:8). While he’s sitting on the ashen remains of what once was his successful life, his wife told him to curse God and die. When Job’s friends showed up, they didn’t recognize him. “And they sat with him on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw his suffering was very great” (Job 2:13).

His friends were great companions until they opened their mouths. When Job was on his ash heap, he didn’t need advice. He needed to feel the presence of his friends. He needed silence. We cannot sprinkle some encouraging Bible verses on people who are on their ash heap and expect them to feel better. When people are in the middle of their ash heap, they don’t need Bible verses. They need comforters. They need someone who has the wisdom and willingness to drop everything, drive over to their house, and check on them. And leaders need to be sensitive and accountable. They need to know when showing up alone is a bad idea.

#4 Leaders need to know when to prescribe home time
Jesus often sent people away to be with their families. Many people were called to follow him and others were sent home instead. To the woman caught in adultery, he said, “Go in peace.” To the demoniac named Legion who begged to follow Jesus, he said, “Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you” (Mk. 5:19). He often prescribed time at home for hurting people. Home is where some people need to be for healing to take place. Jesus spent lots of time in people’s homes. He was teaching in a home when the paralytic was lowered through the roof. He prayed in people’s homes, ate in them, taught in them, worshiped in them, and often just sent people back home even when they wanted to follow him. I feel like we’re so focused on “getting people to church” that we’ve lost sight of the ones who need to be with their family in their own home. Time and time again I hear survivors explain how they are shamed for not going to church. Many were sexually abused in the church buildings. For some, setting foot inside triggers them in all kinds of ways. Others have been spiritually abused. To shame them into “coming to church” or to speak of their lack of faith or lack of commitment when they are not able to come into a church building stands counter to Jesus’ example he gave us.

#5 Leaders should seek to improve the world, not just the church
Church leaders can easily experience mission drift. Mission drift is when we no longer know what our mission (purpose) is as a church. It’s always troubled me when I see churches pump millions of dollars into a building that gets used a few hours a week, but don’t have much time or money for helping the needy. Some church leaders are obsessed with improving the local church to the point that they fail to see that it’s the world that needs improving. The church should lead the way in changing the way the wounded are cared for. I’ve asked local churches what they are doing to help victims of abuse in our community. The typical response is, “Don’t you know that we have different child services? That’s what they’re here for.” I’m working closely with one of those services and was told that I’m the only minister in town who has volunteered to work with them. We have a great relationship and we envision together what it will take to make the world a brighter place. That’s a conversation that I don’t want to have with just my church. We need to network and join hands with others who have a heart for caring and nurturing others who are hurting.

I’m calling other church leaders to move into action. It’s time we start offering success stories for the oppressed. They need to know that church is a safe community where people care for their neighbors.

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5 Reasons church leaders don’t treat the wounds of abuse survivors

The church is the last place survivors of abuse want to come for help. As a minister, it pains me to write that. But it’s true. Imagine a hospital where ambulances whizzed past because the patients were better off not arriving at that particular hospital. I’ve spoken with hundreds of survivors and have read even more of their stories. Nearly all of their voices echo through the empty chambers of the church’s callous heart. I believe as Jesus did, that “those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick” (Matt. 9:12). And there are a lot of sick people, desperate for someone to believe them–to listen to their pain and to expect nothing in return. Alas, we’ve become terrible at sitting on the ash heap with people whose lives have burned down around them. To be honest, I get impatient and even angry with church leaders who do nothing to validate survivors of abuse. Worse yet, many of them are unknowingly abusing survivors all over again. Your faith isn’t “strong enough,” you keep “holding on to bitterness,” aren’t “willing to forgive.” You get the point. But why is it this way?

The more I travel, the more I realize that this isn’t a fringe group of churches. On the contrary, mistreatment of abuse survivors is the norm. As someone who, prior to turning in my own father for sex crimes against children, was completely oblivious to survivors, I offer five reasons why this is the case.

#1 Abuse and trauma are not even on the radar in our seminaries
Everyone I talk to says that they were never trained in seminary to handle cases of abuse. But the problem is much worse. Many seminaries are not even discussing abuse and trauma at all. Even worse, unless this has recently changed, there is zero screening to even get into seminary. Believe me when I say that many pedophiles are graduating from seminaries every year. I went to seminary for 4 years and I don’t recall ever talking about physical or sexual abuse in any of our classes. Rather, we were taught how to think–a skill that I am eternally grateful for but one that does nothing to awaken us to trauma. Church leaders are generally clueless when it comes to abuse. I was. It’s not that I didn’t have a heart for the abused. It’s just that I had no idea that so many people in our pews would be suffering in silence. Nor would I imagine that so many predators lead churches and sit in our pews. It wasn’t taught.

#2 We live behind the pulpit, not in the trenches of life
Let’s face it, Jesus tells us to lay our lives down for one another. The biggest threat most of us face is that the office air conditioner will quit. In all seriousness, most of the pain we ministers experience is the pain of disappointment and strained relationships. That becomes our focus. We don’t have a clue what it’s like to live in constant fear. Fear of being molested or raped. Fear of being beaten or shot. Nearly all of the survivors I’ve met are incredibly good at compartmentalizing their grief. What we see (and, frankly, what we want to see) are the smiles, good grades, and successful jobs. People who haven’t experienced trauma have a difficult time imagining that we are surrounded by a sea of friends and family who are struggling to make it through another day. As preachers, our weekly task is to dig deep into the Word and put a series of lessons and sermons together. Somewhere in the shuffle, we’ve forgotten that Jesus always preached in crowds out in the real world. His preaching was often interrupted with desperate cries for help. And he stopped everything to tend to the wounded.

#3 Our theology views wolves as the ones who need a hand and the oppressed as the ones who should “move on”
The number one question I get asked by churches after an abuser is outed is, “How do we surround this brother and help restore him back to the church?” Savannah Guthrie, after announcing Matt Lauer’s firing said, “I’m heartbroken for Matt. He is my dear, dear, dear, dear friend and he is beloved by many many people here.1 For the first year after my father’s arrest for molesting 23 prepubescent children, I lost count how many times I was asked, “How’s your dad doing?” I only recall one time where someone asked, “How are your father’s victims doing?” Our bad theology makes no distinction between the sinner who is tempted from the oppressor who takes pleasure in harming innocent people. Therefore, church leaders feel a need to “rescue the sinner,” as if they were just wrestling with some desire. Our bad theology doesn’t allow us to see that the Matt Lauers of the world are warped reprobates who are fully aware that they are harming their victims. They just don’t care. Yet leaders continue to dote over the abusers and either ignore or intimidate the abused.

#4 Because trauma is not personal to leaders, they don’t develop a desperation to intercede
To be honest, sometimes help can’t wait until the next elder’s meeting. I’ve personally met with some who needed their pain to be triaged and treated immediately. I’ve sat in offices as trembling women file protection from abuse orders against husbands who vow to murder them. I’ve patiently loved others as they enter drug rehab for the 3rd and 4th time. Trauma is horrible and people need someone who will listen in their darkest hours. And they need someone who knows how to respond. Saying that “I’m praying for you” is not enough. We need to weep with survivors. We need to believe them, to really hear them. And we need to intercede. It’s our job as leaders, whether we like it or not, to shield the abused from the abuser. What message does it send to victims when we surround the abuser with hugs and praise and talk about how “beloved” they were by so many?

#5 We church leaders are addicted to instant transformation
We’ve all seen the cardboard testimonies. On one side of the card there is a word or phrase for who the person was before Jesus transformed their life. On the other side is a word for phrase for who they’ve become after Jesus transformed them. Emotional music is played while a group of people are paraded across the church stage. It is a preacher’s fantasy lesson because transformations are powerful. This is not to knock cardboard testimonies. We should celebrate transformation and I’m happy that people do it in front of the church. But these instant testimonies are indicative of our poor theology. I often wonder how many people are agonizing over what in the world they would write on the back of their piece of cardboard. So many survivors are in process. And this frustrates church leaders. We want crave quick and powerful stories of radical transformation. Ironically, you know who offers just what the itching ears want to hear? That’s right, the abusers! Church leaders migrate to them because, how powerful a story is it for a man who once sexually abused children and has now found Jesus? The abusers know this about church leaders and they are playing them like the fiddles they often are. John says, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world” (1 John 4:1).

In my next post I will offer solutions to my friends who are leading churches. This behavior is counter to the Gospel of Jesus and is doing nothing to help survivors find healing.