#ChurchToo Archives - Page 4 of 5

November 9, 2018November 9, 2018

Convicted sexual predator pastor at Fellowship Bible Church: I’ve been forgiven

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; steadfast love and faithfulness go before you” (Ps. 89:14 ESV)

If we get the foundation wrong, everything we build upon it will crumble. God’s foundation is righteousness and justice. Yet inevitably any time I post about holding abusers accountable, someone (usually a preacher) throws in a jab about whether I believe in forgiveness and redemption and completely ignores the righteousness and justice of God. To be clear–I believe fully in forgiveness and redemption. I also believe that the Bible is clear when it comes to God’s righteousness and justice. To forgive an unrepentant wolf cheapens grace, places many at risk, and makes a mockery of God’s justice.

I asked my congregation Sunday how many of them have ever heard that forgiveness is for their own sake and not for their abuser or the person who sinned against them. Nearly every hand went up. Then I asked how many of them actually experienced increased anxiety and ongoing inner turmoil as a result of putting that principle into practice. All but 3 or 4 hands went up. Let me say that again. All but 3 or 4 hands went up. We blindly tell people that forgiving the person who wronged them is for the victim’s own sake (a concept that I have yet to find in the Holy scriptures) and that they must forgive their abuser even if the abuser is unrepentant. Ironically, at least in my own congregation, that instead created confusion and actually increased their level of anxiety.

A few weeks ago I learned of Kelly Haines when The Wartburg Watch published her story: John Longaker, a Convicted Predator, Is Now a Pastor, and His Brave Victim, Kelly Haines, Wants to Know Why. Rather than rehash all the details, I’ll just say that Mr. Longaker repeatedly sexually assaulted Kelly when he was a teacher in the 90s at a Christian school in Pennsylvania. This went on from the time she was 14 till she was 18. He served a short sentence and now pastors at Fellowship Bible Church in Vermont.

Several things caught my attention with this story. For one, Longaker takes no responsibility and instead accuses Kelly of attempting to “destroy him”.Here is an excerpt from an e-mail to Dee at The Wartburg Watch: “Since this is not the first time that Kelly has tried to destroy me by contacting different people in my church, there are many people who are aware of my past and have accepted me.” Furthermore, while saying he “paid the price,” Longaker never admits to any wrongdoing. I got the impression that the price he feels he paid was for what Kelly did to “destroy” him and not for his own wickedness. In fact, he said, “My fear is that my denial of the accusations is just going to stir up the #metoo people all the more.” It’s worth noting that, in addition to Kelly, two more victims have now spoken up about their abuse. Longaker would allegedly rub his erect penis on one of the victims and digitally penetrate her while working at a Christian book store. This happened over a period of a year after his release from prison! This happened, according to one victim, during a time period where his Parole Officer was stopping up at work to check in with him.

But what really caught my attention was Mr. Longaker’s horrifying response in that e-mail just a few weeks ago to Dee Parsons:

“Even if I did all the horrible things that Kelly said I did, I’ve been forgiven.”

When people ask me, “What about forgiveness?” I ask them, “What about justice?” It’s tempting for Christians to assume it’s their Christian duty to believe abusers like Longaker really are innocent, or remorseful, or repentant. Or that a victim remembered events differently than they really happened. Or that it was all a big fat misunderstanding. Or that an abuser served their time and is now fit for ministry or the church. And I always urge people to look at records. SO many churches balk at this idea and deem it “unfair” when I explain that this should be standard procedure with sexual predators of minor children. Looking at records is not about “digging up the past.” It’s about using discernment to see if the abuser is being honest with you today. A repentant person has no secrets about their past. Is Longaker really suffering from a case of a madwoman who falsely accused him? See for yourself what Longaker admitted to and compare it with his statements today:

When I saw Longaker’s delusional response about forgiveness, my heart skipped a beat for Kelly. It skipped because this is what victims are told everywhere. They can’t escape it. Their counselors tell them they must forgive their abuser in order to heal. Their pastors tell them they must forgive or they won’t be forgiven by God. Heck, their own abusers tell them that they need to forgive them. Their family and friends–everywhere victims turn they hear that they must forgive or there is something wrong with them, that they are “holding on to bitterness.” Take the high road. Forgive or you can’t heal. At some point, victims begin believing it. And the abusers know it. Then they make statements like the one Longaker made just a few short weeks ago–Even if I did all the horrible things that Kelly said I did, I’ve been forgiven.

Make no mistake, this message was for Kelly. What Longaker meant was, Nobody will believe you, Kelly. All these years have passed and you won’t let it go. You don’t know how to forgive, and now the world knows it.

Kelly was kind enough to speak with me this week and I wanted to ask how that horrible comment about forgiveness by her abuser affected her. Here was Kelly’s response:

“It unhinged me. The whole forgiveness thing has me so confused and distorted. I’ve been told that I need to forgive my abuser and myself. What am I forgiving myself for? I was 14. It makes me feel responsible when I hear that. . . The forgiveness thing has been thrown in my face a million times. It’s easy to tell someone to forgive their abuser when they’ve not been abused by him. By forgiving him I feel like I’m enabling him.”

God agrees. Part of the problem is that we confuse (un)forgiveness with bitterness. They are not the same thing. You can withhold forgiveness yet release bitterness towards a person. Forgiveness releases the debt (from sin) that someone has accumulated. If a bank forgives your debt, you no longer need to attempt payment. Why in the world would one banker forgive the bank robber who is still robbing other banks? The Bible doesn’t direct us to extend forgiveness to unrepentant wolves. In fact, Paul is very clear on this, as in the case of the man having sex with his own mother in the Corinthian church: “Let him who has done this be removed from among you. . . you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh” (1 Cor. 5:2, 5 ESV). Paul doesn’t tell the mother and the church to forgive this man. To the contrary–he implores them to remove him from the church and hand him over to Satan! And why should they hand him over to Satan? “So that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (vs. 5).

What’s interesting is that this man who was shamed actually repented as a result of the church alienating him! Only after he repented did Paul urge them to forgive him and receive him back. Paul said, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Cor. 2:6-8). Paul urges the church to remove the unrepentant sinner, hand him over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, then expresses the success from a “punishment by the majority.”

What happens when we teach the unbiblical concept of unconditional forgiveness? Exactly what Kelly describes. We enable the abuser to keep abusing and we shame his victims in the process. I asked Kelly what was the most hurtful thing that she read from her abuser. After describing to me the relentless insults and threats she’s receiving from Longaker’s faithful followers, Kelly said, “When he said, ‘She’s tried to destroy my life.’ That was the hardest thing for me. My life has been destroyed by his abuse. He’s still abusing me with the support and help of his church.”

This is a far cry from what Paul prescribed in Corinth. We release people from the debt they owe us when they make attempts to pay back their debt. For most of us who have insurmountable debt, it can never be repaid. That’s why mercy and grace are so beautiful. Paul is a prime example. Paul could never pay back what he owed. And he didn’t receive mercy just because. Rather, “I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly and in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” (1 Tim. 1:13, 14).

Acting in ignorance and unbelief is a far cry from acting with intention and deceit.

We need to expose liars and predators who are unrepentant as well as the churches that rally around them. Shame on Mr. Longaker for accusing Kelly of “destroying him.” Shame on him for not owning up to his sins, both past and present. Shame on him for creating more victims after his release from prison and for worming his way back into ministry where he himself claims to be counseling sexual abuse victims today. And shame on Fellowship Bible Church for receiving a wolf and shaming their wolf’s victim. To quote Fellowship Bible Church elder Don Wood when NOQ Report reporter Paige Rogers called: “Tell Kelly to stop the nonsense. Okay? Goodbye. And don’t call again. Otherwise, I’ll report you.”

Well Mr. Longaker, you may believe you’ve been forgiven but I, for one, will not join the chorus of voices who demand Kelly forgive you. You have some soul searching to do. Your church itself needs to repent and hand you over to Satan so that your spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord. They are enablers of the worst kind.

I asked Kelly what she would like to see happen as a result of her abuser being exposed. Here is her beautiful response:

“I want people to not be blinded to just trusting everyone who walks through the church doors. I couldn’t go to church Sunday. This brings up so many emotions. Parents need to wake up to the fact that many in the pulpit don’t have your best interest in mind. This is because we are taught to be a forgiving people. These people are responsible for relationships. Don’t walk around with your head in the mud. The church will do what the church will do. But we need to know that churches aren’t safe. Stop leaving your kids to the wolves. Just because the pastor says it’s safe doesn’t mean you accept it blindly. Even if my abuser is not leaving his church, I just want parents to have an awareness.”

Churches who replace justice for cheapened forgiveness are cracking the foundation of God’s righteousness and justice. Let’s do a better job of holding sinful people accountable.

September 19, 2018September 19, 2018

Failing to inform IS a coverup

To be honest, I’ve been exhausted, sad, and angry since the Pennsylvania Grand Jury Report was made public on August 14th. I’ve read the 887 page report. Every word of it. I’ve also had a growing number of messages from church members across the United States asking for help because their church leaders are covering up abuse. There have been nearly twenty different people from twenty different churches reach out to me since the release of the Grand Jury Report. All of these cases involve registered sex offenders who attend church with the full protection and blessing of the leaders.

Not only have these church leaders failed to inform their congregations, but in most cases, the registered sex offenders were volunteering at their churches. Some are teaching Bible classes and leading small groups. Others are leading the singing in worship. In a couple cases the abusers are volunteering with children. In every case, leaders were asked if they were aware that a registered sex offender was at their church. Not only did all of them know, but the members who brought it to their attention were lectured or threatened. Several of these members have since left their churches after these horrific exchanges with their leaders.

I personally contacted one congregation because I pulled up the offender’s record and quickly found out that he is a very dangerous predator of the worst degree. He doubled as a minister and youth minister and was raping 14-15 year old girls in his youth group. He molested five victims that police are aware of. He humiliated his victims and taunted them as he was raping them. His new church, which boasts a membership of over 1,000, intentionally continues to keep it quiet. The child rapist was recently released from prison and has made this large church his new home. I was assured that the elders are “keeping an eye on him.” Unfortunately, none of the parents of the hundreds of children in that church can help their elders keep an eye on this sexually violent predator because they don’t know that he is one.

What these churches are doing is reprehensible and is no different than what the Catholic church does when they pass pedophile abusers from parish to parish. Actually, what these churches are doing is worse! In the Grand Jury Report, none of the abusers had convictions since they were not reported to law enforcement. There were credible allegations, but no actual convictions where they were tried in a court of law. In the cases that came my way over the past few weeks, all of the offenders either pleaded guilty or were found guilty by a jury. In other words, we are positive that they are child sexual abusers. And the churches still can’t bring themselves to simply inform their congregants that they have registered sex offenders sitting in the pews and leading their Bible classes. I’ve read the correspondence between members and their leaders. The leaders believe it’s “unfair” to publicly call out someone’s sin that happened in the past. Much of the phrasing in the messages I receive are verbatim what was written by Bishops that can be found throughout the Grand Jury report.

The introduction to the PA Grand Jury Report states:

“We are going to name their (abusers’) names, and describe what they did – both the sex offenders and those who concealed them. We are going to shine a light on their conduct, because that is what the victims deserve.”

How is it that a group of 23 grand jurors gets it yet shepherds who are charged with protecting their flocks don’t? They’d rather see concerned members and their entire families leave their church than the molesters who’ve tortured their young victims. When these molesters are up front leading Bible studies, praying, leading worship, small groups, or even sitting in the pews, the leaders have given members every reason to believe that these men are trustworthy, upright, and safe people. Pedophiles, like the rest of us, make friends at church. Friends hang out in each others’ homes. It’s what we do. How in the world can these elders who are “keeping an eye” on the offenders possibly do so when the offenders are in and out of other members’ homes? It’s impossible.

If any church leaders are reading this, I beg you to take a different approach. Please, please pick up the phone and call an expert for help. Know that sexual predators almost never have just one victim. Spending time in prison does not make them stop. Making them sign a covenant doesn’t make them accountable. It only empowers them. Pedophiles are among the most sophisticated criminals. They are incredibly gifted at pulling the wool over our eyes. They are exceptional at hiding their abuse. Your failure to inform your church of known child predators makes you every bit as responsible as the Bishops who are named in the Grand Jury Report. I beg you to please inform your churches when you know you have a convicted sexual predator in your church. Parents can do what they want to protect their own children, but at least give them a fighting chance.

If you feel like I’m being over dramatic, I assure you that this is based on scriptures, experience, research, and conversations I’ve personally had with hundreds of survivors. I make my final plea by urging you to listen to the voices of survivors themselves. When I read the report, there was one abuser in particular who caught my attention and made me incredibly upset at what he had done. Five of his victims, who were written about in the report, chose to speak out publicly. My mother and I had the honor this week of meeting two of the five Fortney sisters. They are asking their friends to share the following video. Please listen to every word and reconsider when you think it’s “unfair” to inform your churches of child sexual abusers:

August 10, 2018August 10, 2018

Take it from someone who reported abuse in the church: Get outside help

Since #MeToo and #ChurchToo have taken off, more and more abusers are being outed. Many of those abusers are in positions of power at their churches. The most recent story is with Willow Creek Community Church. Just this week Steve Carter resigned, followed by lead pastor Heather Larson and the entire board of elders. To say that the elders handled this whole process poorly from the beginning is an understatement. They radically defended founder Bill Hybels from the first allegations, which did unspeakable damage to victims everywhere. Frankly, abuse victims are fed up with churches that continually miss opportunities to side with the oppressed and instead choose to publicly defend and support the oppressors. Survivors, both Christian and not, were watching and waiting, hoping Willow Creek would get this right. Willow Creek failed and millions of survivors felt the sting all over again. Elder Missy Rasmussen issued an overdue apology this week to the brave survivors who came forward, stating in part, “We have no reason to not believe any of you. We are sorry that our initial statements were so insensitive, defensive and reflexively protective of Bill.”

This post is not meant to critique the church’s initial and subsequent poor responses that led to all these resignations. There are a number of reasons why well-intended churches keep getting their response wrong time and time again. Nor is this post meant to gloat and say, “we told you so” when we see an entire leadership crumble like it did this week. There are no wins when churches get it wrong. When churches fail, survivors are hurt. Victims who are currently being abused are invalidated, pushed further into the margins, and are almost guaranteed not to speak up for fear of being shamed or not believed. And, tragically, genuine defenders of justice like Steve Carter and Heather Larson step down when they are exactly the ones who survivors need to stay. I really just want to humbly share my experience seven years ago as a new minister who had to report an unlikely abuser in my church–my own father. I did’t get everything right, but my decision to put my pride aside and listen to the voice of the victim who sat across from my desk was vital for her healing and for the protection of many more victims.

It was a sunny July Friday in 2011 and I was only 2 short years into my role as a full time minister when I got the call asking if I could meet with a young woman whom I deeply respect and admire. She handed me a piece of paper and broke down in tears. I was holding in my hands a piece of paper that described her abuse at the hands of my father from when she was just a young child. That single piece of paper changed the course of my life forever. I have always had a very close relationship with my father. In fact, he preached at the same church I’m at for 27 years. I went into ministry because of his example. We’ve officiated weddings together, talked for hours at a time about the church, shared ideas about reaching out to our community, and I’ve always had the utmost respect for him. Make no mistake, based on who I thought my father was up the point of that Friday meeting, her allegations came as a shocking and devastating blow. Never had I suspected my own flesh and blood–my childhood hero–of molesting very young children.

Yet there I sat with a sobbing victim and a piece of paper with clear allegations of abuse. My entire life flashed in an instant. He was the man who held my mother’s hand when I was born. He was the man who taught me about God and life. He was the one who encouraged me when everyone else told me I was stupid for going into ministry. He taught me how to drive and brought me to take my exam. Twice. He was the one who gently informed me when one of my best friends was in an accident and passed away. Everything I knew about the man was good and I could have easily chosen to believe that she was mistaken and he was innocent. But I couldn’t ignore her cries and she had no reason to make up false allegations of that magnitude. I remember attempting to gain my composure. I took a deep breath, looked her in the eye, and said, “I believe you. I have no idea what any of this is going to look like. But one thing I know for sure–it stops now.”

There was nothing inside of me that wanted to believe, though. Believing meant that I had to report my own father to the police. It meant that there was a strong possibility that there would be more victims in my church. It meant that the innocent, happy days of ministering to a joyful, innocent church were short lived. It meant that there would be a possibility of my dad spending the rest of his life in prison. The questions without answers were endless. Hope seemed like an ambiguous fairy tale. The fear of what awaited my family and my church was crippling. I was grasping to know who my real father was. I was angry at my God for not protecting his little children. I had every emotion known to man hit me in a span of about ten minutes. It’s impossible to put into adequate words what was going on inside my mind and body at that moment.

An hour after receiving the worst news of my life, I was at a wedding rehearsal for one of our church members whose wedding I was officiating. I felt like I’d been swept along by a tsunami only to emerge into a parallel universe where people were celebrating the happiest day of their life. The next day I struggled through the wedding, which my dad attended. The following day I preached to my congregation, which my dad also attended. The next day my mom and I were in the police station reporting my father. It probably sounds strange, but at the time I felt like a Judas. As dumb as it sounds now, there was a part of me then that felt like somehow I was ruining his life. I wanted so badly to wake up and find out that it had all been a dream. But each new morning brought with it the reality that this was in fact more of a living nightmare.

My religious tribe does not have a governing body like most denominations. Each church is autonomous in its leadership structure. Because my congregation was small, we had no elders or deacons at the time so I really didn’t have any other leaders to share this burden with. I was the only person in an official leadership position. My wife and I had endless conversations about who we would tell and when. We found out quickly that he’d confessed to many victims and the worst was yet to come. My dad, not knowing I was the one who turned him in, told me the names of his victims a few days before his arrest. Several of them were young children from my church. In a feeble attempt to step into the shoes of the families, my wife and I decided that, if it was our child, we would want to hear about it from our minister before the police knocked on our door. I happened to be their minister and the abuser happened to be my own father. My wife and I made the short drive to their house and, through tears and audible gasps for breath, I told them that their children had been molested by my father.

It was a few weeks later until he was arrested. Every agonizing day that passed meant we were one day closer to announcing to my church that their former minister, my father, was being arrested for molesting dozens of children. It was a Friday when the detective called me. The call was short, to the point, and she graciously gave me the call as a courtesy: “Jimmy, we have your dad in custody. It will be in the papers Monday and the story won’t be nice. Now is the time to tell your church. Protect your family the best you can. I’m so sorry.”

My wife and I prepared a written statement that I would read to my church that Sunday. Though I did not save that letter, I remember the content fairly well.

Dear brothers and sisters,
This weekend my dad was arrested for molesting dozens of children. Initially a victim disclosed to me and my mom and I made a police report. He has since confessed to molesting dozens of children over a span of several decades. We are working with police to ensure we are certain who all of his victims are. I know what every parent is asking right now and I beg you all not to speculate or gossip for the sake of his victims. If you have any questions, please talk to me or the police directly. There is no question that is off limits to ask me at this point. I may not have answers to those questions immediately, but I will do my very best to find out. This has been a devastating blow to this church and my family. I’m so sorry for the pain that my father has caused us all. I promise to continue to minister to this congregation as long as I am able, but I ask for your patience and grace as we wade through this. I also ask that we all work together as a family to bring healing to those who’ve been injured and to figure this out so that it never happens again.

Were it not for my incredible wife, my mom, family members, and a few close friends who offered advice and support from the very beginning, things would have turned out differently. I spent countless hours weeping, praying, and seeking advice from the people closest to me. I never shut people out or acted as if I could turn a few Bible pages to get a clear answer for how to handle these allegations. Church leaders, hear me loud and clear–when allegations of abuse arise seek outside help. Seek the wisdom from people who have it. Don’t rally around the accused because you are friends with him or her and you think you know them well. Don’t minimize the allegations even if they don’t sound very serious at the time. Unlike seven years ago, there are invaluable resources out there today. There is no excuse not to seek outside help from people who specialize in cases of sexual or physical abuse. There are resources out there. Find them and don’t be stingy with your time or financial resources when it comes to getting help.

There are several of us who offer specialized consulting. Sometimes you may have to seek an independent investigation. Never investigate abuse internally. Know mandated reporting laws. Be prepared to go against the rest of your leadership group. They may decide not to report a case of abuse or to tell the church about an abusive person. If you’re mandated to report, report it anyway regardless of whether the rest of the leaders want you to or not. If it means you will lose your position or job, be prepared to lose it. I once responded to a minister who did not want to report his “very best friend” for fear of losing his job: “Jesus tells us to lay down our lives for one another. You’re not even willing to lay down your job.” Until we have people who stand up and do the right thing no matter the personal cost, the cesspool of abuse will continue in the church and the devil will win. Take it from someone who’s been there–reporting someone you love is terrible. There is no glamour in protecting the innocent from wolves. It’s not fun and it’s certainly not easy.

But when we do, we honor Christ and his church. We give a voice back to those whose voices have been stolen. When we stand up for the innocent and vulnerable we demonstrate that abuse won’t be tolerated and we pave the way for healing. We now have elders at my congregation who take abuse very seriously. We’ve made radical changes, have worked to train our members, and have a solid protection policy in place.

I close with this story that is one of the most powerful moments since this all happened, and one that makes all of my efforts to speak up worth it. I conducted a local training on abuse a few years ago and the father of some of my dad’s young victims came as a speaker. I showed up early to get things set up and the father arrived with his children whom I’d never met–a group of young sisters who were all victims of my father. He introduced me to them this way: “Kids, this is Jimmy. . . . (long pause and deep breath). . . Hinton. This is the man who stopped his dad from doing all those horrible things to you.”

They all looked up at me, came over, and hugged me. The oldest daughter, through tears, looked up at me and said, “Thank you.” Those two words are words that I cherish and will hold close to my heart until I die. Fellow leaders, we won’t get everything right. None of us ever do. But we need to be humble and honest with ourselves and others. When we don’t know the best avenue for handling allegations of abuse, we better pick up the phone and call someone who does.

July 11, 2018August 9, 2018

#ChurchToo and why leaders respond so poorly

Over the last few weeks, I found myself struggling to keep up with the ever growing inbox of messages asking for help. They weren’t from church leaders but from church members. In each of the messages, a few members found out that a registered sex offender was attending the congregation. Some of the offenders had been there well over a decade. Some were loitering near children’s areas and others were actually volunteering with minor children. In every case the church leaders were not only aware, but they chose not to inform the congregation. I looked up records for each of the offenders. Some were bad enough, but some were really bad. I’ve personally seen this scenario hundreds of times now. Churches almost never respond to abuse well. When they do respond well, we should celebrate and let them know that they’ve done a good job. In about 98% of the cases I’ve seen, however, the churches failed to inform their congregations when a sex offender is attending.

I was lamenting this to a good friend of mine and I told him that the leaders are consistently making decisions that are the complete opposite of how they should actually be responding. They care for, protect, and nurture the wolf while the sheep are left out to fend for themselves unaware that a wolf is in the sheep pen eyeing the ewe lambs. I shared with my friend that I was driving down our one way main street in town the other day and a car was coming towards me in the wrong direction. We all slowed down but she kept barreling down the street even though a line of cars was facing her. She finally stopped just feet from my car but her face showed that she was visibly agitated with me. For a second I was pretty sure she was going to start ramming my car! She finally pulled off to the side to let us past but she made it known that we were the jerks for not letting her continue through in the wrong direction.

I was describing my analogy to him. “It’s like the leaders consistently drive the wrong way down Decision Avenue and get agitated when anyone confronts them. And all we’re trying to do is turn them around and minimize casualties,” I said. My friend reminded me of the scene in the 1987 John Candy and Steve Martin movie Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. The clip is a silly way to demonstrate a very real problem–many leaders are making uninformed decisions and doing it with complete confidence. They routinely shut down people who try to warn them that they are making dangerous decisions.

My purpose is not to poke fun at these leaders, but to plead with them to have the humility to listen to people who are warning them that their decisions are dangerous to the flock. When I reported my father I surrounded myself with wise counsel. My wife and I selected church members whom we felt had common sense, wisdom, and could help us make informed decisions. When we shut out the voices of our congregations we no longer have leadership–we have dictatorship.

Here is a sampling of the most common statements concerned members hear from the leaders regarding registered sex offenders in their churches:

He (or she) did his time
We don’t want to bring shame on this brother
It’s not fair to publicize his past sins
He poses no threat to children
We’re keeping an eye on him
He’s not allowed near the children’s wing
We met with him and he’s very remorseful and repentant
We need to encourage him and his family and shining a light on his past sins will greatly discourage him
You’re not to tell anyone about this because you’ll be undermining the leadership

Perhaps I should use another analogy to describe why it’s unwise to fail to inform the congregation. Suppose a person comes into a congregation who was recently released from prison. She tells them that she spent some time in prison but it mostly was a “misunderstanding.” She says they are free to look up her record if they want to know more (knowing full well that they won’t take the time to do so) and she assures them that she has learned from her dumb mistakes. Two years later, and with their blessing, she volunteers to drive the church van on an overnight annual camping trip. The parents load their kids up in the church van, snap some pictures, and wish their kids farewell.

The reality is that this volunteer had 5 D.U.I. charges and the final one that landed her in prison was a vehicular homicide charge for killing a teenage girl when she crossed into oncoming traffic. My questions–Whose responsibility was it to actually look up her records before allowing her to drive a van full of kids? Why did the elders take her word that she was in prison for a “misunderstanding” and that she has learned her lesson? Did the parents have the right to know of this woman’s past criminal charges before packing their kids into a van with her behind the wheel? And would it have been unfair to the woman for the elders to inform the parents of her charges or is it more unfair to the parents of the kids for their failure to inform?

Nobody in their right mind would allow someone convicted of 5 D.U.I.s and vehicular homicide to volunteer to drive a van full of kids, no matter how long ago the crimes happened. Yet, surprisingly, with child rapists they consistently and intentionally hide their charges from the congregation. Why?

I offer my opinion for why this is so:

Their theology is very bad. There are loads of passages that speak to warning people of dangerous/violent people. Consider Ezekiel 33:6: “But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, so that the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any one of them, that person is taken away in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at the watchman’s hand.” They also believe that the oppressors, not the oppressed, are the ones who need time and attention. This is the polar opposite of what the Bible teaches.
They lack humility. Church members are routinely warned not to “usurp authority,” are not believed, are told that they are being overreactive, and told that it is at the leaders’ discretion as to whether the church is informed or not about an abuser’s record(in other words, church members are “not allowed” to inform other church members). In many cases, members are dismissed from their churches and told not to come back. This is exactly the abusive kind of leadership God warns about in Ezekiel 34.
They are not aware of their blind spots. All of us have blind spots. We have to be aware that abusers are incredibly skilled at finding them, exploiting them, and residing within those blind spots. Abusers prey on the naivety and busyness of church leaders. Never take an abuser’s word that there were “misunderstandings.” Records are public for a reason. Always look them up. Know who you are dealing with, what their crimes were, and what their restrictions are as part of their probation or parole.
Facades are more powerful than reality itself. When I hear leaders say that an abuser no longer poses a threat, I ask them whose professional assessment that is and if they are willing to put it into writing. Abusers know that putting up a clean, pure facade is powerfully effective in winning the hearts of whomever is standing in front of them. Humans have a bad habit of resisting or ignoring facts when someone is likable.
They believe warning a church is unfair. They not only believe it is unfair to the abuser, but they wrongly believe that warning a church will upset the church or create unnecessary drama. The reality is that parents will appreciate being warned that a serial pedophile, rapist, or violent person is in their midst. They will appreciate it more if the leaders are proactive in developing a plan to protect the vulnerable and innocent from that person. My advice–enlist the help of survivors to come up with a plan that both protects the flock and ministers to other survivors within the church.

One thing I would caution–sometimes it is the church who protects abusers. I highly recommend reading the following article: Us Too: Why the Problem of Church Abuse is Much Deeper than Church Leadership.

What would you add to the above list?

June 8, 2018

#MeToo, #ChurchToo have sparked huge changes

Next month will mark seven years since I first heard from a victim that she had been sexually abused by my father. I was just barely two years in to my full time role at the church and that fateful day–July 29th, 2011, changed my family forever. Rather than defend my dad or come up with a myriad of excuses for how his victim sitting across from me could have been mistaken, I instinctively told her, “I believe you.” Little did I know how rare those words are when survivors get the courage to tell. It’s hard to believe that just seven years ago, few people were talking about sexual abuse, especially in the church.

I know that few were talking about it because I searched and searched for resources back then to help me navigate my family and church through the aftermath of my dad’s abuse. There was virtually nothing written at the time. There were almost no online support groups. There were only a small hand full of blogs. Jerry Sandusky’s trial had not taken place yet, the public hadn’t heard anything negative about Larry Nassar, Jared Fogle, Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, or Bill Cosby, and the Catholic church was living in quiet streams after the 2001 investigation by the Boston Globe had run its course.

Fast forward seven years and the #MeToo, #ChurchToo movements are sweeping the globe. We are not quite half way through 2018 and already we’ve seen Larry Nassar’s public sentencing, Andy Savage resigned from Highpoint, Paige Patterson fired by Southwestern Baptist Seminary, Bill Hybles and Willow Creek being investigated because of alleged sexual misconduct, Jordan Baird, former youth leader of a megachurch in Virginia, sentenced for indecent liberties with a minor by a custodian, megachurch (Highlands Church) founder Les Hughey admitted to having “consensual” sex with multiple women, including a minor, when he was a youth pastor. And all 34 Chilean bishops resigned in May because of a sex abuse scandal there. Pennsylvania is releasing an 884 page grand jury investigation into 6 dioceses this month. This investigation was sparked after the Altoona-Johnstown diocese, just a few miles north of me, was investigated and a damning grand jury report was released of a massive cover up of sexual abuse of minors. The list goes on.

The point is that survivors are coming forward in spite of the push back, and abusers and their protectors are being exposed. Survivors are fed up with being silenced and they are being empowered by other brave survivors who share their stories. It certainly helps that we have some incredible investigators across the nation who are validating survivors and working hard to seek justice.

But is the exposure of abusers enough to bring about meaningful and lasting change? I would argue that, while it’s a huge step in the right direction, there is more that we can do. Fortunately, survivors of abuse have gotten the attention of lawmakers. In a recent article by Hogan Injury, they note that “The movement has prompted the state of California to consider passing a bill that bans secret sexual harassment settlements. According to Sen. Connie M. Leyva (D-Chino), the senator who plans to introduce the bill, these secret settlements puts the public in jeopardy, especially potential future victims. These secret settlements also enable perpetrators to escape justice just because they have the money to pay for the cost of settlements.” Other states are passing laws that allow victims of abuse who fall outside of the statute of limitations to open new investigations. Pennsylvania’s attorney general, Josh Shapiro, has made it clear that he is listening to survivors of abuse and will make laws that improve the way our state handles allegations of abuse.

Hogan Injury goes on to say that “companies should also train their employees, supervisors, and managers about sexual harassment. For employee training, you aim to educate your employees what sexual harassment is. Take the opportunity to review your complaint procedure, and encourage your employees to use it to report sexual harassment.” I encourage churches and other organizations that do not have policies in place to make concrete policies that spell out clear boundaries for their employees and volunteers, and to also spell out the consequences for violating those boundaries. Someone who is being sexually, physically, or emotionally harassed, regardless of their age, should have an appropriate person or group of persons to report it to. They need to know that they can tell.

Our systems cannot keep failing victims. Ann Curry reported Matt Lauer in 2012, but her report fell on deaf ears. If we are going to protect vulnerable children and adults from predators, we need to have a written policy that spells out the reporting procedure and the policy cannot create a hierarchy where one person can override the policy. Nobody should be above the law. Nobody should have the authority to override other peoples’ decision to report an alleged crime. I think the tides are turning and as long as survivors keep speaking up, organizations will have no choice but to develop policies and training that actually protect the people who are in their care.

May 3, 2018July 21, 2018

Being in the same room as children does not prevent abuse: Part 2

In a previous post, I wrote about the myth that being in the same room as children will keep the children safe from abuse. As I read posts by survivors, there is an eerie trend where they discuss being abused while other adults are in the same room. This happens far more often than we’d like to think.

Yet when I speak places, people bank on the false notion that “keeping an eye out” will keep children from being abused. Most of us feel secure in our ability to watch for signs of abuse, but the reality is that our brain is hardwired to not see things that we don’t expect to see. Inattentional blindness, or perception blindness, occurs when we fail to see things that are unexpected. Change blindness is when we fail to see changes in visual stimulus. There can be blatant changes that take place right in front of us but, again, because we do not expect to see certain changes, our brain fails to notice.

Narrative is an important tool in the belt of both magicians and abusers. Narrative is just one more layer of controlling the spotlight of attention. But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself. . .