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Tells of Sexual Abusers

vigilance

Sixty seconds–the number of seconds it takes someone to drown. There have been several stories in the past few days of people who lost their lives when caught in a rip current. I’m a beach lover and have been caught in a handful of rip currents myself, so naturally this has my attention. I am not a person who panics, fortunately, because panic is the main killer in rips. When people panic, they lose the ability to think. Fear sets in as they are pulled away from the beach and they attempt to swim against the current, which exhausts them to the point that they can no longer stay afloat. Rip currents are on every beach, and have been since the beginning of time. So why, in 2019, are there still so many people–some avid swimmers–who don’t know how to successfully survive a rip? The reason this particular subject has my attention is that there are so many parallels to abusers. Abusers are really not that difficult to identify. But misinformation, myths, and lack of education enable people to be caught by surprise over and over and over again.

University of New South Wales, Sydney, Australia, did a recent documentary called Rip Current Heroes. I highly recommend watching it for two reasons. First, it will help you understand what rip currents are, how to spot them, and how to survive them. Second, it is helpful to draw parallels for what we need to do to better spot and avoid abusers. In the documentary, they say that the number one thing that we can do to survive rip currents is to properly identify and avoid them. This is the training that I do with abuse. Paul’s three words in 2 Timothy 3:5 regarding abusive individuals–“Avoid such people”–are, unfortunately, viewed as “unChristian.” I prefer prevention over recovery. I’d rather teach people how to spot problematic people so they can avoid them rather than recover victims who were horrifically abused. More on that later.

The vast majority of people have not been educated on how to spot rip currents, so they unknowingly find themselves being swept out to sea at a rate of up to 5mph. Rips blend in really well and it takes a trained eye to know how to spot them. In fact, many people prefer to migrate to the calm patch of water to avoid the breaking waves that surround them. The irony is that, this inviting calm patch of water are most likely strong rip currents that sweep unsuspecting people out to sea. The average person will not be able to identify a rip current until he or she has been properly trained to do so.

Coastal geomorphologist Dr. Rob Brander has been dubbed Dr. Rip. He has been studying rip currents for over a decade. He’s a stickler for terminology because wrong terminology contributes to myths about rip currents. Dr. Brander begins with what rip currents are not. He says, “Rip currents are not under toe. They won’t pull you under, because there’s no such thing as an under toe. They’re not a rip tide, because they are not a tide. They are a current. And they won’t take you to New Zealand” (meaning the currents only go out so far then they stop). He then offers tips for how to successfully survive a rip current. I won’t rehash those in this post, but if interested, see the short video below. One important thing I will note–this training video is less than 5 minutes. And that’s all the longer it has to be. Though there are many types of rip currents and they are incredibly complex, training people how to spot them should not require them to be rocket scientists.

In my 8 years of studying abusers up close, here are some common myths I want to shatter:

  • Myth #1-Abusers primarily groom their victims–I wrote a post on this recently. Terminology is important. They primarily test their victims, including bystanders. They rarely groom them.
  • Myth #2-Simply having two people present keeps kids safe–Abusers are perfectionists when it comes to abuse in plain sight. Having two adults near a child will not keep them any safer than having two or ten people swimming together will keep them safe. Entire families have been swept up by rip currents just as entire communities are deceived by abusers. The key is knowing how to identify abusers, not merely putting more people in close proximity to children.
  • Myth #3-Increased visibility (windows, open spaces) reduces abuse–When I do facility walk-throughs I like to walk into rooms with windows in the door to demonstrate how quickly I can disappear. People are always shocked to see how fast it happens. Almost every room has major blind spots. Furthermore, abusers use techniques to intentionally abuse in front of us anyway. Beaches have about the highest visibility of any open area I know. Yet every day people are swept away by rip currents. Increased visibility doesn’t reduce abuse. Knowing how to identify and avoid abusers does.
  • Myth #4-We have trained people at my organization so kids are safe–Many incredibly proficient swimmers drown due to rip currents. Being a great swimmer won’t keep them safe if they don’t know how rip currents work, how to identify them, and how to get out of them. Proper training is needed. Very few people are trained on how to properly identify problematic people.
  • Myth #5-Learning “red flags” will help me identify abusers quickly–This is doubtful. Again, terminology is important. I prefer the term “tells” of an abuser, not red flags. We should be looking for tells first, red flags second.

So what are tells and how do we see them? The verb form of tell is to inform, express, give information to, or find out by observation (I can tell that this is made of wood). Miriam-Webster defines the noun form this way: a revealing gesture, expression, etc. that is linked to a poker player’s tell. . . broadly: sign, indication. Like different types of rip currents, sexual abusers also have certain tells.

Abusers always have tells. If we know how to observe and assess, we are far more likely to spot problematic people quickly and then we can respond accordingly. Here are some of those tells:

  1. The eyes tell a lot–In another recent post, I suggested that people who bring children to the doctor watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order. This applies to everywhere, not just the doctor’s office. All women know what it feels like to have perverted men gawk at them and undress them with their eyes. There is no mistaking that look. Abusers don’t glance at their prey. They become mesmerized. I’ve observed sexual predators who get tunnel vision when eyeing their prey. It’s as if the rest of the world temporarily melts away and the only thing they can see is the child in front of them. Whether it’s a 2 year old child or a 15 year old girl, abusers have the same creepy stare. They cannot help themselves. Always watch they eyes and how people are looking at others.
  2. The hands tell a lot–Sexual abuse cannot happen without hands and fingers. **Edit–a reader rightly pointed out that voyeurism is a horrific form of sexual abuse and doesn’t involved physical contact. This is very true and I want to acknowledge this form of abuse that leaves victims incredibly traumatized.** Abusers don’t always abuse in plain sight, but they are blatantly “handsy” in public. Watch for people who just can’t help themselves. They will cross physical boundaries that stretch beyond the norm. Watch for rubbing, caressing, roaming hands, fingers that sweep across intimate body parts, even if for a split second. This is not normal or acceptable. Also watch the person receiving the touch. Tense shoulders, confused looks, squirming, etc. are all signs that the person is uncomfortable and is too paralyzed or fearful to say anything.
  3. The words tell a lot–I know of no abuser who hasn’t made very strange, inappropriate comments within earshot of others. Make no mistake, these comments are intentional. This is part of the testing process. Most bystanders don’t even realize that course joking, talking about sexual attraction, or how children are “starting to bud” is happening. Abusers pepper inappropriate comments into the conversation to see how far they can push boundaries. Even when bystanders hear it, they are so caught off guard that they don’t intervene. Also, conversations are “all about the kids.” Kids this, kids that, kids, kids, kids. Think obsession. There’s a difference between a mention and an obsession.
  4. The gait is slower and head is downward–Skilled abusers are patient. Their gait (the way they walk) reflects that. Watch for people who aren’t in as much of a hurry, who are observant, and who walk with eyes cast downward. A sex offender once told me that all pedophiles, as they walk, keep looking down near their feet. He said, “I don’t know why this is so, but we cannot look straight ahead for more than a few seconds like most of you can.” I have theories on this, but my theories are not the point of this post. The point is that I’ve witnessed this as well with every person I’ve suspected may be an abuser.
  5. Information mining–The most common and dangerous question is, “Tell me about yourself.” Abusers are always mining information. Always. They accumulate information by simply asking us to talk about ourselves. Humans, generally, associate this with someone being interested in us. When this question is asked, we volunteer all kinds of information about our job, our church, our children, and on the list goes. As a friend told me today, “You become the hostess giving them a complete menu rundown. Facebook is a menu. Your conversation is a menu. And they become so interested in you and your family that you forget to ask them anything about theirs.”
  6. Covert aggressive–Abusers are incredibly covert aggressive. Before you know it, you have become an accomplice to their plan while they come off as being kindhearted, benevolent, and deeply spiritual. They know when to turn the aggression up and when to dial it back. Abusers always seem to violate boundaries but “don’t know what you’re talking about” if they are ever confronted. Even if a person is hesitant to fulfill a request, the abuser will make that person feel bad for not agreeing then appears to be a saint to everyone else. For example, a parent will be shamed for not wanting their kid to spend alone time with the person. Those parents end up allowing it and the community sees the abuser as a saint who “just adores kids.” An observant person can usually tell very quickly if someone is being covert aggressive towards others. **edit–Originally, I used the term passive aggressive. A reader correctly pointed out that covert aggressive is a more accurate term. I agree.**

I’ve heard people talk about ending abuse, screening abusers out, making abusers scared, and on. I disagree with all of these and think our methodology is weak. Like rip currents, abusers have been around since the beginning of time and they aren’t going anywhere. Survivors of abuse know full well that abusers don’t walk away with their tails between their legs. They are not humble. They do not stop. The best use of our time, energy, and resources needs to be on spotting dangerous people quickly and avoiding them.

In addition to this, we need to train people for what to do when they identify dangerous people. We need to shatter the myths and stop fearing abusers. We need to let abusers know that we see them. We need to stop waiting until a reportable incident happens until we act. Our police departments and advocacy organizations are completely overwhelmed. They need our help. Children need us to intervene before an adult or peer has a chance to abuse them. We should be creating safe zones by warning people about people who are not safe. This includes dangerous registered sex offenders who are in our churches. If we know that they have a history of abusing children, it makes no sense why we fail to inform others. Until this happens, we have our work cut out for us.

Photo by Patryk Sobczak on Unsplash

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Still Alone: Where Were SBC Leaders When Abuse Survivors Rallied Outside?

For Such a Time As This

“One of the things I’ve learned from Rachael (Denhollander),
as well as other survivors, is that the strongest words,
without actions that follow up those words,
are worse than not saying words at all.”

—J.D. Greear, President of SBC,
at the ERLC Sex Abuse Panel at SBC June 10, 2019.

Cheryl Summers, founder of For Such a Time As This Rally, and Rev. Ashley Easter, sat with their husbands just four rows from the front listening to the panel Monday night. The For Such a Time As This Rally had survivors and advocates travel from across the country to join in prayer and protest the thousands of victims who could have been spared. They all share a common bond and similar goal–to stop the SBC from hiding abusers in the church and to begin protecting the innocent.

https://twitter.com/KyleJamesHoward/status/1138865210813493248?s=19

Just moments before J.D. Greear gave the above response, Rachael Denhollander mentioned For Such a Time As This Rally: “When you see the survivor community–many of them even outside the SBC tomorrow–these men and women have been pleading with the church to hear their voices for decades and they have been shut out over and over and over again in the name of Christ. That’s what the SBC has done to these survivors. You need to feel the grief and the betrayal and the harm and the hurt that they have felt.”

It would have been difficult to miss the group of peaceful protesters on Tuesday with their red shirts and large millstone on display that Ashley’s husband Will made. It was intended to be a reminder of Jesus’ words in Matthew 18:6–“. . . but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” There has been extensive national media coverage of the For Such a Time As This Rally leading up to, and following the Southern Baptist Convention.

Rally organizers Rev. Ashley Easter (left) and Cheryl Summers (right) in front of a large millstone

Among people at the rally who attended and/or spoke were Mary DeMuth, Christa Brown, Jules Woodson, Brooks Hansen, Michael Hansen, Kenny Stubblefield, Ashley Easter, Cheryl Summers, Carolyn Deevers, Dee Parsons, Dwight McKissic, Wade Burleson, and SNAP’s David Clohessy. Rachael and Jacob Denhollander sent cupcakes to the group on their way out of town and visited with rally members throughout the day. But eerily absent were the very SBC leaders who, ironically, were inside the convention center saying that survivors need to be listened to. I was not able to make it to Birmingham due to back-to-back trips and limited time off from work, but several of us who couldn’t make it sent videos Tuesday to For Such a Time As This Rally Facebook page to offer encouragement and our words of support.

I woke up today and it struck me that I saw zero pictures, words of support, or even an acknowledgment that the rally survivors were even in Birmingham, by any SBC leaders who took the stage inside. Nothing. Not. A. Word. It’s as if the survivors and advocates didn’t exist. Yet these courageous friends of mine at the rally, despite their abuse and mistreatment by the SBC, are madly in love with God, work tirelessly to save the lives of countless people who were abused, and openly shared their stories of pain, humiliation, and hope.

As survivors shared their stories, several SBC attendees shouted to the press that they should not give the rally any attention. Apparently, some assumed that the rally speakers and attendees were not Christians. One rally attendee told Cheryl Summers that an SBC attendee tried to talk to them about praying the sinner’s prayer to accept Christ.

I couldn’t shake the feeling of not seeing any SBC leaders there so I reached out to Cheryl Summers and asked her if J.D. Greear or anyone else from his office had taken time to walk outside and greet them or thank them or weep with them over the decades of abuse and cover-ups they’ve endured. I post Cheryl’s response with her permission:

“No. He certainly did not. He actually had 2 opportunities. The first was Monday night. A contingent of us from the Rally went to the ERLC’s panel on sexual abuse. Ashley and I were sitting side by side with our husbands four rows from the front in the center. JD was a panelist and we were right in front of him….feet from the stage. He knows what Ashley looks like. They met a few months ago by accident in a coffee shop and he recognized her then. He kept looking at her on Monday night. He could have walked off stage afterward and thanked us for being there. He didn’t. He was gone as soon as the panel ended.

We personally invited JD, Russell Moore, Beth Moore, and other big names. Initially, Russell and JD’s office said they couldn’t be there due to schedule conflicts. We changed the time to accommodate, but they still couldn’t make it.”

To be completely fair, Cheryl told me that Todd Unzicker’s wife, Bruce Ashford’s wife, Megan Lively, and some others from the Summit Church delivered two coolers of water and thanked them for being there. Believe me, that meant the world to the rally group. That was a kind gesture, and it won’t be forgotten.

But I don’t think this was an accidental oversight by Dr. Greear. Dee Parsons wrote a powerful piece recently that shows the rally organizers have been pushed aside for the past several months: [Updated] Why Won’t Southern Baptist Convention Leaders Allow the For Such a Time As This Rally Inside the Convention Doors? Lest people think I’m nitpicking here, I’ve spoken personally with Ashley Easter on several occasions about this. She happens to live in the same city as J.D. Greear and has attempted, on multiple occasions, to have a brief meeting with him. All attempts for the past year have been delayed or rejected.

To add insult to injury, Matt Chandler was invited, last minute, to speak Tuesday at the SBC about the New York Time’s article about Matt Chandler’s and The Village Church’s alleged mishandling of an abuse case with one of their youth ministers, Matthew Tonne. I couldn’t believe my eyes and my heart sank for my friends who, for months, had gone through every proper channel to be given a small space inside the convention center. Yet they were denied. And ignored. Meanwhile, yet another Southern Baptist pastor at the heart of an allegation of covering up abuse was given a microphone to defend his actions.

https://twitter.com/elizabethjdias/status/1138447242770178056?s=19

Lest my readers think I am being unfair or overly critical, my observation does not come in a vacuum. I personally reported my own father for sex abuse against minors and drove to the house of the parents of his victims immediately after I found out who his victims were. My wife and I wept with parents as I struggled to find the words to tell them over and over how sorry I was that my father had hurt their babies. And I live in Pennsylvania, where the biggest investigation into the Catholic church took place. I serve shoulder-to-shoulder with survivors from that report. I’ve been to Harrisburg on several occasions and have personally witnessed Attorney General Josh Shapiro drop everything and come out to hug survivors when he knows they’re present. AG Shapiro isn’t doing it for show. I’ve watched him greet each survivor by name. He knows who they are. He always thanks them for visiting. He happily gives them the space they need to talk, joins them, and smiles as he says that the capital is “our house.”

Attorney General Josh Shapiro speaks on behalf of abuse survivors. Rachael Denhollander spoke just a few minutes apart from AG Shapiro.

I am appalled that J.D. Greear didn’t take ten minutes to come out and greet these survivors. My heart breaks that these friends were pushed into a corner outside the convention and were ignored. I certainly credit Dr. Greear for all that he and the SBC have done to move this conversation forward. I really am grateful. And I want to see the SBC get this right. Honest to God above I do. I will proudly stand behind and cheer on those who are doing all that they can to right the wrongs of abusers and those who provide cover for them.

At the same time, I cannot ignore the fact that my friends were not given any acknowledgment or even a visit by Dr. Greear himself. The skepticism will continue, and for good reason. I pray that these survivors and advocates are given a voice. But they should be given more than that. The front row at the ERLC should have been reserved for these brave survivors. Dr. Greear should have invited them up, one by one, and said, “I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. Thank you for being here and taking a courageous stand against evil. I stand with you. This is our house.”

I close with the same words of Dr. Greear I began this post with:

“One of the things I’ve learned from Rachael (Denhollander),
as well as other survivors, is that the strongest words,
without actions that follow up those words,
are worse than not saying words at all.”

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5 Tips for parents to protect your kids from pervert doctors

doctor abuse

Many were shocked when victims and parents spoke up at Larry Nassar’s sentencing, describing how they had been sexually assaulted with their parents in the same room. It didn’t take long before the vultures circled around the parents of those victims and insults were hurled like a molotov cocktail. Cristen Chatman, the mother of one of Nassar’s hundreds of victims, knows these insults all too well:

Over the past several weeks, I’ve read so many angry, uninformed comments, posts and other writings blaming and shaming the parents. Accusations such as “parents should have listened.” “They should have known.” “What were they thinking” or “How could they have let that happen.” I’ve even seen posts suggesting these well-meaning parents be put in cells next to Larry; the very parents that have now come to realize what really happened in the exam room. The crushing guilt that burdens these parents (and me, specifically) is something that can’t be comprehended without walking in the same shoes.

From the Indy Star– Letter: I am a mom who was in the exam room while Dr. Larry Nassar treated my daughter

What Nassar did–molesting his victims in front of their parents–is not uncommon for abusers. In fact, it’s so common among most abusers that I have dedicated my research to understanding abuse techniques and how abusers keep us blind to it. Just this year and twenty miles from my home, pediatrician Johnnie Barto was sentenced to 79-158 years in prison, at the age of 71, after dozens of victims came forward. Like Nassar, Barto molested his victims as he held casual conversations with their parents. Also like Nassar, Barto was under investigation in the past. In 1998 an entire town came out in support of Dr. Barto for a ribbon ceremony as his accusers looked on in shock. His medical license was restored and he went on to abuse many more victims until he was arrested last year.

I can’t help but to cringe when I hear adults say, “We have great policies. We put windows on all the doors and we have people who keep an eye on the kiddos.” This is reminiscent of the recent interview with Li Li Leung, USA Gymnastics’ fourth CEO and former patient of Larry Nassar. Leung said, “I was not abused by him because my coach was by my side and I was in a public setting, so I understand what the setting needs to be like to ensure the safety of our athletes.” What!!?? You can imagine how well this went over with Nassar’s victims who had parents and coaches in the room when they were abused over and over again.

Li Li Leung believes what most people do about abuse–that if we are in public spaces and keep watch that abuse won’t happen. I am not blaming her completely, but a person leading an organization with such a horrific culture of abuse yet remains this ignorant about abuse is telling. This is how people are trained. We are told that abusers “groom” their victims. We are told that the “red flags” of abusers are people who isolate victims, who shower them with presents, and who can’t hold normal conversations with adults. Most of this research is highly inaccurate, so a false sense of security exists when we have our children within eyesight. And this plays right into the hands of skilled abusers.

I’ve written a lot on abuse in plain sight. If I were to boil it all down into one phrase, I’d say that abusers know how to control what’s called our “spotlight of attention.” They do this via a variety of techniques. Our brain is wired in such a way that it’s incredibly easy for people to exploit our brain’s expectations to create all kinds of visual illusions. If you want to learn more about this, I suggest watching a training that neuroscientists Drs. Stephen Macknik and Susana Martinez-Conde did with me below. They are experts in visual deceptions and how our brain responds.

So what can we parents do while in the same room with doctors, nurses, and PAs? I will start by saying that it is up to parents to be the informed ones. Doctors, nurses, physician’s assistants, and anyone else who is on staff are not being trained to recognize these abuse techniques for creating visual deceptions. Just because there are multiple professionals in the room does not mean they are trained to see abuse in plain sight. In fact, several of Nassar’s victims’ parents who were in the same room were themselves physicians. And their kids were still abused.

The good news is that the steps parents need to take are not complex. But, honestly, we need to forget (or at least temporarily suspend) our training that we’ve all heard on looking for “red flag behaviors” and grooming. If that’s what we’re looking for it will cloud our judgement and abusers will run circles around us. Here are 5 tips I offer parents:

1. Don’t wait until a reportable incident happens to intervene

Pennsylvania, where I live, is the epicenter for much national attention to sexual abuse. Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State scandal unfolded in 2012. Last year Bill Cosby was sentenced in Philadelphia shortly after the release of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury Report into the Catholic abuse scandal. In the wake of all these cases, our state has spent billions of dollars and enacted legislation to require training for mandated reporters, increase penalties for failure to report, and require tons of new people to have background checks every five years. The fruits of this labor? Abuse is still on a dramatic rise in Pennsylvania. Experts can spin this all they want, but the reality is that we are losing ground because of inadequate training that only requires us to report abuse and not to prevent it. Abuse is getting worse, not better. Don’t rely on the professionalism of trained people to prevent your child from being abused. Our statistics show that we are failing our children miserably.

As parents, you have every right to pull your child from a doctors visit at any time during that visit. If you so much as have a gut feeling about someone or your child doesn’t respond well to them, politely ask that the visit be cut short and go to the receptionist to pay or ask to see another doctor. This is prevention. Is it a hassle? Yes. Will you feel silly? Maybe. But I assure you that I have shaken the hands of multiple pilots who grounded planes that they felt were unsafe to fly. When something doesn’t feel right, it’s better to be proactive and create inconveniences before your child is telling you that the doctor did something that made them feel uncomfortable.

2. Watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order

All sexual abusers have the following things in common. They view children as sexual objects. Eyes tell a story. We’ve all caught old men gawking at teenage girls at the shopping mall. Eyes that caress butts and breasts are not innocent. We all know the difference between a benign look and one that undresses someone. But when it comes to little children nobody wants to think that someone is capable of sexualizing them. But abusers do. My dad once told me that, prior to landing in prison, he could spot people who are “like him” as soon as he walked into a room. When I asked him how he said, “Simple. I watch their eyes.” He could tell which men were gazing sexually at children just by paying attention to how they were looking at them.

Abusers also must use their hands to molest victims. Sure, there are additional ways to abuse, but all abusers use their hands to grope, penetrate, manipulate, etc. Nassar, Barto, and my own father did horrific things to their victims in front of their parents–using their hands. If you cannot see both hands and all ten fingers at all times, get up and move. Do not get distracted by conversation for a second, which leads me to. . .

Words. Like magicians, abusers talk. Abusers use words to control your spotlight of attention. Don’t let narrative distract you from watching the eyes and hands of the doctor, nurse, or PA. People assume abusers “block their view” of the abuse with their own body. I’m not convinced because I know something of their techniques. Abusers don’t distract you from what they are doing, they draw attention to it. Deb McCaul actually got up and stood next to her daughter Morgan when Nassar worked in the pelvic region–“I wasn’t somebody with, like, my nose in the phone,” McCaul says. “I was having conversations with them. And whenever Larry was doing something in that [pelvic] area, I would go up and stand by the table, because I wanted her to feel more comfortable.”

Deb wonders how she missed it. She was right there, after all. Nassar would actually draw attention to the pelvic region by describing what pelvic floor techniques are. . . as he was penetrating his victims. He was not deterred or nervous by Deb standing right next to him. Never assume that, because you are an alert person, someone can’t or won’t abuse your child right in front of you. They can and they do. We are taught manners and are expected to watch people’s eyes when they talk and avoid looking at areas that make us uncomfortable. Deb describes being able to see Nassar’s one hand but his other one? Deb said, “I couldn’t see that part of it. But I had no reason to question it either.” Know where both hands are and all ten fingers are at all times.

3. If an exam or procedure seems invasive or out of place, stop the doctor immediately

As I research abuse techniques and read cases that are public, I notice certain troubling patterns. Abusive doctors do unnecessary tests and procedures that don’t match the symptoms. If a doctor says they are doing a vaginal examination when your child is there for the flu, refuse it and tell the doctor you are reporting him or her. I was stunned as I read different reports at what doctors were doing to their patients just so they could grope them.

Breast exams were done for common colds. Vaginal and rectal exams were given for upset bellies. And on it goes. I found that, in only a few cases, did parents intervene or ask questions. The vast majority of these abusers got away with this hundreds of times each simply because no parents were asking questions or stopping them from doing it.

If a physician wants to perform a test or treatment that seems strange to you, stop him or her from going any further. Tell them that you would like another doctor to come in the room for a second opinion. If they become agitated or belligerent at the request, congratulations–you just affirmed that this doctor shouldn’t be treating your child. Good doctors will welcome collaboration with other doctors, especially if they are on their team. No doctor should be pushy or make you feel stupid for asking questions. Unless, that is, they have something to hide.

4. Ask to see a copy of the policy for examining private parts

I don’t know what is or isn’t required for doctors in this area. What I do know is that there is wild inconsistency when it comes to actual practice. Sometimes other nurses, doctors, or receptionists are called into the room. Other times they are not. Ask to see their policy on accountability for those types of examinations. If there is no policy, ask if one is required. If it is not required, ask if it’s something that they are going to change.

Whether another staff member is required to be in the room is one thing. You being in the room is another. Never allow your child to be intimately examined, stripped, or touched anywhere near private parts unless you are in the room and have complete visual access at all times. Even if it is not policy, you may request that another doctor or nurse be present as your child’s privates are examined.

If gloves are not worn, refuse to have your child’s privates examined. You don’t have to be mean. But you always need to be firm. This is never negotiable. Nor should it be. It goes without saying, but never leave your child in the room. One time my littlest had to go to the potty after the doctor came in to examine his older sibling. I asked the doctor to pause for a few minutes while all of my children went with me down the hall to the bathroom. The doctor waited alone in the room until we returned. Then he resumed the examination.

5. Train your child

It is essential to communicate with your children what are acceptable boundaries and what are not. My children know that sometimes privates will need examined. They also know that a doctor is required to explain what he or she is going to do before the examination. No doctor is allowed to just examine without talking to us first.

Let your children know that a doctor is never allowed to be alone with them. Let them know that if a staff member makes them feel uncomfortable they are free to talk about it as it is happening. One of us parents will always be in the room. Our children know that they don’t have to wait until after the fact to tell us if something with the examination makes them hurt or brings discomfort. Communication is important. Instant communication is better.

Do not instill fear or distrust of doctors into your child. The vast majority of physicians are good. Our kids like our doctors. They talk with them, tell them about school, and joke around with them. We do a very big disservice to our doctors and our children if we teach our kids to distrust doctors. At the same time, our children know that they have the authority to stop a doctor if anything that the doctor does makes them uneasy. And we parents have the right to refuse certain doctors too.

Photo by Martha Dominguez de Gouveia on Unsplash

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Why chaperoning abusers in church is unwise

Abusers in church

A few years ago I was home with a bad stomach bug. I was in the middle of a violent vomiting episode when I heard my dogs barking and going nuts. For ten minutes they were barking obsessively. I finally got enough energy to go inspect the issue and there stood a man, hands cupped against his face, peering into my living room window as he called out my name. I knew the guy. And didn’t like him either. He was an abuser who lived across from my church office and regularly stopped cancer patients as they were pulling into the neighboring oncology center to harass and cuss them out. He had the police called on him repeatedly. I called the police on him multiple times. I watched out my church office window one day as a police officer drew his gun on him because he was threatening to kill his girlfriend with a knife. One time he pulled a knife out at a local church and was invoking my name to get off the hook, saying that we were good friends. I had sent multiple email warnings to all the local churches about him and told them about his violence. Yet several churches told me it was their “Christian duty” to invite him in. I disagree.

This man is currently in prison for beating up his girlfriend and leaving her for dead. He routinely harassed and threatened me, sometimes calling me fifteen times a day. There is a difference between someone who has anger issues and someone who is an abuser. This man did not have anger issues. He is an abuser. He will never be invited into my home or church when he is released from prison. My elders at church will not offer a chaperone to “keep an eye on him” when he is released. They won’t do it because he is an abuser. He is violent. He has a long history of harassing, intimidating, and threatening people.

Quite often I’m told of churches who have “covenant agreements” with known serial child predators. They, too, are abusers. Churches have shared covenant agreements with me to show me how wonderful it is that the leadership extends grace while “keeping an eye” on convicted serial abusers. I’m unimpressed. If we don’t trust predators to be in our homes around our own children, why would we invite them into our churches to have access to other people’s children? To make it worse, leaders normally keep the abuse a secret from the church members.

The following is a covenant agreement that was given to me by a church that has a child rapist in the church who doubled as a minister and youth minister when he was raping multiple young girls in his youth group. He is a tier 3 offender and, against the strong recommendation of the Sex Offender Assessment Board, a judge chose not to assign a sexually violent predator status. Only a hand full of church leaders even know he is a sex offender, and the congregation was never informed. This is a large church and parents of kids have no idea that there is a serial child rapist sitting in their pews. Parents, if they knew of the terms of the covenant agreement, should be alarmed. The serial predator has a sponsor who he “may be” asked to check in with. I redacted the church name and highlighted some things that just made me shake my head in disbelief. This covenant agreement is very similar to all the others that I’ve collected over the years.

There are a host of reasons why I think chaperoning known abusers is a bad idea, but I’ll share just a few here. For one, abusers are far more sophisticated than the chaperones who “may” be watching them. They are masters of deception and the average person does not know how sophisticated their techniques are. I know, in the above mentioned case, that the abuser is not confined to areas of the building designated for adults only. I know because he attends worship, where hundreds of children surround him. The notion that there are areas of a church building “designated for adults” is absurd.

Second, churches most often are not informed that such agreements even exist and leaders intentionally keep hidden the fact that sexual predators are in the church. This agreement says, “Information about your background will only be shared with people of the congregation who need to be aware.” In this case, at a church of over 1,000, seven people were counted among those who “need to be aware.” I would like to know who makes the decision for who remains informed and who doesn’t.

Third, abusers are wolves. This particular man was masquerading as a minister of the Gospel while he was raping multiple children. He is not a “lost, injured, or weak” Christian who needs to be prayed over. He is an abuser, an impostor, and a deceiver who needs to be kept at bay.

Fourth, if an abuser can’t be trusted and has all kinds of restrictions, including having a chaperone, he is not repentant. I challenge you to find this twisted theology in the Bible that I hear so often–“He can be forgiven but that doesn’t mean we should trust him.” This statement comes from our desperation to be inclusive of everyone. Can you imagine the church saying this about the apostle Paul? Which leads me to the final point.

Abusers have a pathology. They abuse people, not because they “struggle” with sin, but because they want to abuse people. This is why they can’t ever be trusted. The Bible correctly labels abusive people as deceivers, impostors, white washed tombs, snakes, thorns, thistles, chaff, waterless mists, evil people, wolves, and so on. It’s important to note that this language is not used for sinners like you, me, or even the apostle Paul.

In fact, all of us have a pathology. While we’re talking about Paul, let’s talk about why he went from insolent opponent and persecutor of Christians to an apostle and missionary. Paul’s pathology was always to please God no matter what. Period. Wrong as he was when he persecuted Christians, Paul wasn’t deceptive and dishonest when he did it. Nor was he doing it for personal gain or pleasure. Paul was persecuting Christians for one reason and one reason only: because he thought that’s what God wanted. When Paul had a vision of Jesus on the road to Damascus, his pathology never changed. Paul repented, was baptized, and continued to do what would please God. His pathology never changed. His actions did.

In fact, Paul told Timothy, “I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief. . . ” (1 Timothy 1:12, 13). It was because of Paul’s ignorance and unbelief that he was able to receive mercy. Paul was not intentionally deceptive. In fact, Paul talks very negatively about such wolves: “. . . while evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (2 Timothy 3:13). Paul’s advice for people who are abusive, treacherous, ungrateful, having the appearance of godliness but denying its power? . . . “Avoid such people” (2 Timothy 3:5). Why? because they have a pathology. And that pathology isn’t to please God. It’s to pretend to be godly so they can abuse, steal, deceive, and get what they came for.

Just imagine if the church in Antioch said, “Paul we’re going to have you sign a covenant saying you won’t go near Christians who are vulnerable. We’ll assign you a chaperone. There are certain areas that you’ll be restricted from going to. If you violate this covenant, you “may be” removed.” The very thought of it is absurd. Paul was trusted because Paul previously sinned in ignorance. Though he once persecuted Christians he was not pretending to be someone he wasn’t. He didn’t deceive, lie, threaten, intimidate, stalk, molest, grope, or rape people while pretending to be a godly man. But Paul sure mentions such people. In fact, he has a lot to say about deception: “Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore do not become partners with them. . . and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them” (Ephesians 5:6-11).

Paul never extended an invitation to deceivers and people who work in secrecy for selfish gain. He consistently said to avoid them, expose them, and keep them out of the church. Why? Because abusers’ pathology is to deceive, steal, and masquerade as someone they are not in order to get what they want.

Ask your leaders if they have a secret covenant agreement to keep wolves secretly hidden within the confines of your church. If they do, ask for a copy. Ask if there are currently any people who have signed such an agreement and who they are. My guess is that they will tell you that you will not be qualified as someone “who needs to be aware,” but ask yourself, is this something Jesus would be OK with? Would Paul be OK with wolves having a secret agreement between just them and the leaders and having a chaperone because they can’t be trusted? If the answer is no, perhaps there needs to be a serious conversation about the validity of these secret covenants.

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Abusers look for opportunities more than vulnerabilities

Deception

“I turned my back for literally ONE second!!”, she lamented. My wife is Assistant Director and Preschool teacher at a daycare center. She has a few students who are a handful, to say the least. The child she was telling me about decked another kid the second my wife turned her head. This is routine behavior for this particular child. I talk a lot about “testing” vs “grooming” behaviors. Children know how to test us adults from a young age. It’s a normal part of learning, growing, and maturing. They test boundaries to know what they can and cannot get away with. Parents or caregivers who are more passive may witness children who easily test boundaries and get away with much more than children whose parents intervene quickly.

We often hear that abusers find vulnerabilities and exploit them–that they search for the vulnerable single parent to target them or their kids, or they find vulnerable institutions with weak policies, or they find vulnerable kids who have an unstable home life or low self-esteem. With this premise, training tends to focus on reducing vulnerabilities and increasing awareness. Educate people more, create more programs to help at-risk children, have seminars on better parenting, put two adults in every classroom, put windows in doors, talk to teens about self-esteem, and on the list goes. While I’m in favor for doing all of the above, I also know enough now to know that this will do very little to deter abusers. This is a defensive stance, and abusers are always on the offensive. When they see someone playing defense, they will forge a way to covertly go around that line and accomplish the goal they set out to do anyway. Like the child who saw an opportunity when my wife turned her back, abusers know how to see opportunities the second they arise. And if opportunities don’t present themselves, abusers will create opportunities.

In studying abusers, I’ve found that they wear a very different lens than we do. We think they look for vulnerabilities, and to some extent they do. But this is not their modus operandi. Looking for and creating opportunities, however, is. In fact, abusers exploit our perception of vulnerabilities to create more opportunity to abuse. For example, one of the most common and ineffective policies is where churches keep known child molesters from entering a children’s wing of the church but still allow them to be elsewhere in close proximity to children (albeit supervised–though there are serious issues with this as well). This policy, otherwise known as a “limited contact agreement,” assumes that “keeping an eye on” an abuser is enough to hold them accountable and keep them from abusing more victims. It also assumes that children in the children’s wing are more vulnerable because there is a higher concentration of them all in one area.

But an abuser will use your perception of vulnerability in order to create opportunity. Remember, he or she is always on the offensive. For example, while everyone feels safe and secure because known child molesters are not allowed in the children’s wing or in bathrooms alone, they will observe which of the children outside the children’s wing are running around unmonitored. Abusers are always watching and taking inventory. Which children are allowed to roam? Which ones have unassuming parents? How do they interact with adults? With each other? It’s important to note that abusers live, breathe, and think deception constantly. This is why Paul warns Timothy: “. . . evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (2 Timothy 3:13). Paul rightly extends no invitation into the church for abusers. He does not tell Timothy to have an open door policy for all in the Ephesian church. Instead, Paul warns Timothy that they are “having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people” (2 Timothy 3:5).

Paul also uses the proper terminology to describe these deceivers–impostors. I believe that part of why so many are afraid to use that language in the church is because they falsely believe that abusers sheepishly look for vulnerabilities and those vulnerabilities are what “tempt” the abuser. Once they find vulnerabilities, they “fall into sin” because they were tempted. If we remove vulnerabilities, according to this reasoning, it’s as if we are helping abusers avoid temptation. But I strongly insist that this is not the correct way to view deception. Again, abusers are not looking for vulnerabilities as much as they are creating opportunities. This is why Paul warns that they will go on from bad to worse. It’s why he is so quick to label them impostors. It’s why he warns Timothy to avoid them.

This is also why I liken abuse to other petty crimes like pick pocketing. Pick pockets are not simply polished criminals with slick hands. They also know how to read people really, really well. They do it intuitively. They are people watchers. Yes, abusers do look for vulnerabilities, but they primarily are creating opportunities. It takes tremendous practice, skill, ability to read people, ability to deceive people, and–most importantly–the heart to actually follow through and pull it off. Abusers know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and how you will respond to what they are saying. If we think that reducing vulnerabilities will reduce the chances of an offender creating more victims, we are wrong. They will simply migrate to another person, geographic area, or church. Put another way, they will create new opportunities to keep deceiving in order to produce more victims. “They will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.”

When I go to churches and other organizations to train, my goal is not just to reduce vulnerabilities. While that’s important, my main goal is to train people to detect deception and intervene. Many people ask me for a checklist of things to look for in an abuser, and it really is not this simplistic. Abusers are dynamic; always changing, observing, and looking for opportunity. As soon as we create a checklist of “red flags,” they’ve already adapted and have found 100 more opportunities to abuse in 100 different ways. The good news is that if we rethink the way abusers operate, we can begin to see their “tells.”

For example, I observe people who are observing others. Who are the adults whose eyes are always roaming? Do the conversations usually turn to boasting about love for children? Are there people who, even if for a second, can’t keep their eyes from looking at children? My father once told me, from prison, that he can spot another pedophile within 30 seconds of walking into a crowded room. Asked how he can do this with such ease, he answered, “Easy! I just watch their eyes.” Are these same adults with roaming eyes able to keep their hands to themselves or are they patting kids on the head as they walk by? Do they talk out of both sides of their mouth? When they speak are they drawing people in or are they just holding normal conversations? Do they exaggerate? Do they use compliments or tell jokes in order to gain interest or divert attention? Do they flirt with women? Say inappropriate things or tell jokes that are just a little off color?

There are so many more tells, but the point for this post is that a skilled abuser won’t be deterred by churches or organizations that reduce vulnerabilities. They’re far too skilled and determined to be deterred. The best chance we have at limiting the risk of abuse is to be more proactive at observing people constantly and with consistency. We need to be far more honest when someone is making other people uncomfortable. And we need to be willing to determine who the impostors are and to name them as such.

Cancer cells in the body are impostors. They are much like normal cells in the body, but the difference is that cancer cells continue to divide, masquerading as normal cells while wreaking havoc on the cells that actually are normal. I’m not a doctor and don’t pretend to be one but oncologists, to my knowledge, never attempt to rehabilitate cancer cells and turn them back into normal ones. Rather, oncologists know the imminent danger these impostor cells pose and the goal is to identify and remove them as quickly and completely as possible. Can you imagine an oncologist using the same philosophy as most churches today? “Let’s not judge. Forgive and move on. All cells are welcome in this body. Reconcile in Jesus’ name. Let’s all be together. Please don’t call them cancer cells; they’ve repented. We’ll allow these cells here in the main part of the body, we just won’t let them in the children’s corner. We’ll keep an eye on them.” Such a response would be embarrassingly ridiculous. Yet this has become the norm for how churches respond to abuse.

Some may take issue with this analogy and think that if we take this approach with abusers there would be nothing to stop us from taking the same approach with all sinners. After all, we all sin and fall short of the glory, right? But we are not talking about sinners like you and me. We are talking about people who intentionally and serially deceive and masquerade as one of us when they are not. The Bible uses all kinds of terms to describe this class of sinner: wolves, false prophets, dogs, thorn bushes, thistles, animals, impostors, born for destruction, blots, blemishes, to name a few. The Bible not only identifies them as such, but it never recommends rehabilitation, reconciliation, or any kind of association once they’ve been identified. This is not a coincidence. It is essential for the life of the church to name the ones who are hell bent on destroying it by ruining innocent lives. A body cannot thrive when cancer is slowly eating its host away.

And, like cancer cells, abusive impostors will find opportunity where they can best cloak themselves and do the most amount of damage. They don’t do this because they are “tempted by vulnerabilities.” They do it because it is what they do and who they are.

Until we shift our thinking and begin studying and understanding deception, the church will continue to be light years behind the secular world while its impostors continue to destroy the innocence of every good, young, and healthy cell within the Body.

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A Safe Place: Guest Post by Pastor Gricel Medina & Ryan Ashton

safe church

EDITOR’S NOTE
The poor, sick, and oppressed flocked to Jesus by the thousands because He was safe. Sometimes He called people to follow Him. Other times people begged to follow Him and He sent them away to live in peace instead. Jesus didn’t elevate the invitation to church above justice and nurturing the wounded. This guest post is by two people whom I love dearly and who really understand what it is to provide a safe community for survivors of abuse. This is incredibly helpful.
—Jimmy Hinton

“Church is one of the least safe places to acknowledge abuse because the way it is counseled is, more often than not, damaging to the victim…. It is with deep regret that I say the Church is one of the worst places to go for help.”
—Rachael Denhollander ¹


Never have the words “church is one of the least safe places” been so true as these past few years. From megachurches to non-denominational churches, Independent Fundamental Baptists to Southern Baptists, progressive to conservative, religious communities are full of tragedies we can no longer ignore. Listening to so many survivors tell their stories of the horrible ways they were treated by the Church leaves no doubt that churches have become some of the most unsafe places on the planet to be a survivor of abuse. Faith communities too often hide a toxic culture where abusers thrive and victims are shunned and silenced. The dismissiveness of those in authority, the isolation of the vulnerable, the imbalance of power, and the expectation to stay silent and “forgive” are realities we all must acknowledge. Our theology and Christ’s gospel have so often been hijacked by those who use it as a license for impunity rather than accountability, and church culture has become complicit by rewarding the silence of institutional protectionism. No one is safe under the current conditions of the Church today.


While walking with survivors we are often asked “what is a safe church? How will I know I’m ready to go back?”

According to the most recent statistics, one in three women and one in six men experience sexual abuse at some point in their lives.² In a congregation of 100 people, that is easily 25% of those who attend, and these numbers are most likely low estimates. If we include domestic violence, emotional or spiritual abuse, these numbers climb to as much as 40% according to some experts.³ This is important to understand because we all know a survivor of abuse, even if we do not yet realize it. Survivors are watching how we’ve been responding to #MeToo and other stories of abuse in our society, especially the tragedies currently involving the Church. 

However, some survivors taking a break from attending church becomes a problem for many Christians. For many survivors, taking a break from church meetings is the only alternative they have if they cannot find people they can trust. Abuse survivors can still believe in Jesus while being unable to engage a religious community where they would be reliving their deep and lasting traumas of spiritual, sexual, or emotional abuse inflicted by Christians in the Church.

While walking with survivors we are often asked “what is a safe church? How will I know I’m ready to go back?” Making the Church a safe place begins with us. We hope to provide some insight of what we have both learned about safe churches. 

Making Your Church a Safe Church

One of the worst things to say to a survivor is “there is no such thing as a perfect church.” This confusing of definitions belittle survivors. “Safe” is very different than “perfect.” People will always disappoint and hurt us in a fallen world, but enduring abuse is never an option we must settle for. Abuse or predatory behavior is never acceptable under any circumstance.

To boil it down to a simple definition, abuse is anything someone does to isolate, deflect, manipulate, or intimidate you. Abuse can be sexual, physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual, and many resources exist that explain what abuse looks like under a variety of contexts.

A safe church is one that does not tolerate any mistreatment of any member, whether it’s from a casual attendee to the highly-respected and gifted celebrity pastor. No one is above accountability in a safe church (cf. Matthew 18; 1 Timothy 5:19). Safe churches take every allegation seriously, report crimes immediately, do not silence or shame victims, and support victims with tangible resources. Most pastors are not equipped to counsel trauma victims and safe churches refer victims to professional therapy for their trauma. Safe churches recognize sadness and lament are appropriate responses to hurt and that anger is a correct response to injustice (cf. Psalm 82). Safe churches give space for victims to fully grieve their loss and betrayal and grieve with victims as a community (cf. Romans 12:15). Safe churches do not force people to conform to a false positivity (cf. 1 Corinthians 12:26). Safe places do not just hear what a victim is saying, but truly listen with empathetic hearts that are willing to learn. Walking with survivors is a long-term process and overcoming trauma is a lifelong journey. 

It is especially difficult for those with authoritative or dogmatic backgrounds to be willing to listen. We are tempted to give out advice on trauma which often comes from a place of discomfort seeking to quickly fix a person or situation. Yet trauma is not a superficial wound and cannot be quickly healed. As Christian therapist, Dr. Diane Langberg, says, victims need “talking, tears, and time.”⁴ Coercing forgiveness actually impedes the healing God is doing and is incredibly detrimental to survivors.

Abusers are master manipulators, using deception and deflection to appear as victims themselves.⁵  However, abusers cannot get the help they need unless people are willing to hold them accountable. This is extremely important when an abuser is someone in power, where it is hard to take a hurting victim seriously when the alleged perpetrator shines in the spotlight. Yet enough cases exist where horrendous abuse is overlooked because the abuser is likable, nice, or has a veneer of spirituality. When this pattern repeats itself over and over and a wake of victims demonstrate a long-term and willful ignorance, people always say “I wish I would have listened!” Yet when a leader who flees or resigns in disgrace, often only to reappear again in a different place, there are plenty of people who warn the pattern will continue, only to be dismissed. The truth is that church culture does not listen. We must be wiser than predators, and that begins with believing victims and ensuring every situation is properly handled with the right authorities.


Too often, victims suffer more from their faith community’s ignorance, lack of empathy, and the rush to quickly fix things, leaving deep and lasting wounds to someone already hurting.

A safe church is one that values the voices of survivors, knowing that when God heals a victim, they become a powerful agent for justice who always look out for others. Abuse is the last thing a community of Christ should enable, but often our communal desire for acceptance impairs our wisdom and discernment to see what is otherwise apparent. It is for this reason that God is faithful to send people to warn us—often survivors themselves—who can advise our communities on what to look for. They’ve lived through it, and know better than most what manipulation and abuse looks like. Similar to the prophets and prophetesses of old, God always provides His body with an immune system whose  priceless wisdom sees through a manipulator’s charm.

Addressing Church Culture

Christian institutions can become a culture of deceit because genuine spirituality is hard to measure. Image-conscious communities tend to reward the flashy, put-together people instead of standing with those who are broken. In contrast, a safe church is one where survivors are not isolated from everyone else and kept at an arm’s length, but are valued and included. We all come to Christ with baggage, and we even acquire hurts after believing in Him. Safe places understand and value the imperfections of human beings and are careful to discern the difference between someone’s involuntary trauma responses and “sin.” Safe churches do not confuse Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, hurt, or grief with sin, but have compassion. There are no accusations of “bitterness” or “unforgiveness” in a loving community. Too often, victims suffer more from their faith community’s ignorance, lack of empathy, and the rush to quickly fix things, leaving deep and lasting wounds to someone already hurting. 

When institutional change is required, safe churches embrace transparency and accountability and listen to the voices of victims. Repentance—both individual and corporate—takes time. Survivors are looking for places where the willingness to change culture supersedes the desire to maintain a damaging status quo. Predators have taken advantage of the havens Christians unwittingly made for them. The more we learn about abuse and trauma, the more every part of our society needs to adapt—from politics, workplaces, homes, and churches.

Churches need to rethink how to approach authority since no one is infallible, including leaders. In some circles, the pastor has arrogantly replaced the Holy Spirit, and our expected obeisance often approaches idolatry. Every one of us is responsible for making our faith communities safe places for the vulnerable, and that requires understanding how social influence, peer pressure, and coercive control works in churches. We all experience the effects of socialization without realizing it, much as a fish experiences wetness. We should never ignore the red flags that raise internal alarms. If something seems wrong, it is worth paying attention to. We have all been given the ability to discern between good and evil and are responsible to do so. (Cf. 1 John 4:1; 1Thessalonians 5:20-21)

Prevention & Education

Beyond caring for survivors in our midst, do our churches equip themselves with the best practices on prevention? Are we aware of national organizations like GRACE or local resources that can empower our faith communities implement policies that protect the vulnerable? 

Some questions we need to ask include inquiring of our church leaders whether there is an abuse prevention policy at all. If there isn’t one, that’s a problem; if your church leadership is evasive about providing you with it, that’s another problem. Do we have competent and properly vetted volunteers? Do we perform background checks on a yearly basis? Since many abusers are not caught, do we look for behaviors rather than rely solely on background checks? Are there at least two to three volunteers with children at all times? Are bathroom visits for children supervised with more than one volunteer? Are there windows in the nursery and classrooms? Do we have board members or elders who are able to disagree with the pastor and hold them accountable? Do we adequately support spouses if they come forward with a domestic violence complaint? How do we respond if we fail? 

Conclusion

Rather than expect survivors to attend your church, do whatever you can to make your church a safe place. Survivors will come when they are ready. Realize that because God is everywhere, He has not abandoned survivors. Psalm 139 among many other passages should be the confidence we rely on for God’s continuing presence in the believer who cannot attend church services. God is not angry or annoyed with victims, and neither should we be as the Church. God is near the broken-hearted (cf. Psalm 34). Building a safe church requires us to be safe people, those who reflect the unconditional love of God. 

These words of wisdom from F. Remy Diederich’s Broken Trust are particularly helpful for those wondering how to approach the Christian who is no longer attending church services: 

“Resist the temptation or sense of obligation to return to your former group, or any organized religion, right away. When you come out of a performance-based setting, you will naturally feel the need to be a ‘good Christian’ and return. 

“Part of the sickness of spiritual abuse is that it demands an unhealthy dependence on a person, or organization, rather than on God. Taking a break from organized religion is a good way to prove to yourself that you can survive with God alone. Well-meaning believers will tell you that you must be in a fellowship of faith. It’s dangerous to isolate yourself from the Body of Christ. All kinds of problems will result if you aren’t a part of a community of believers. Nonsense. That’s like telling someone who just came out of an abusive marriage to get married right away. In both scenarios, a person needs time to reflect on what just happened. Their soul needs to be repaired before re-engaging.

“Spiritual safety doesn’t come from organized religion. It comes from the Spirit of God living inside of you. Being a member of a faith community can certainly help you, and it’s my hope that you will one day return to be an active member of a healthy community, but you can survive a season without one. Just like a wounded athlete has to leave the game to tend to their injury, so there are times when a wounded believer needs to leave their faith community. In both cases, the goal is to return. What your well-meaning friends don’t understand are the raw feelings people often have after a spiritually abusive experience. Going to worship too soon can actually be traumatic. You might be surprised how sensitive you are to experiences that remind you of the past abuse. Give yourself permission to take a sabbatical from organized religion so your broken trust can be repaired.”

Be that safe person—that love of God incarnate. As Dr. Diane Langberg writes in The Spiritual Impact of Sexual Abuse: 

“In other words, we are to demonstrate in the flesh the character of God over time so that who we are reveals the truth about God to the survivor. This is not in any way to deny or underestimate the Word of God. However, often the Word needs to be fleshed out and not just spoken for us to truly grasp what it means. 

“This work is both difficult and a great privilege. The task of serving as a representative of God so that His character can be grasped and believed is far beyond any capability of yours or mine. It is a work that will bring us to our knees if we let it, with hearts hungry for more of God so that we might bring His presence in very concrete ways into places where He has not yet been known.”

In those places of darkness, despair, and excruciating pain, Jesus is there. He never leaves us or forsakes us. We have found that it is in the darkness that some of the most sacred church services are found wherever love is graciously displayed. You do not need a church building to be that safe place. 

Gricel Medina is a pastor, speaker, writer, and advocate who has planted three churches and leads a prayer movement for the MidSouth Conference. Pastor Medina has written for several widely distributed Spanish and English magazines, devotionals, and blogs, including Covenant Companion. She is a regular writer for the award-winning magazine, Mutuality, and the CBE blog Arise. Pastor Medina has been a speaker for CBE International Conference and The Courage Conference.
Twitter: @pastorgricel

Ryan Ashton is a survivor, advocate, and graphic designer. A 2018 graduate from Bob Jones University (BFA, Graphic Design), Ryan is the Director of Technology and Social Media for GRACE and the Creative Director for The Courage Conference. Ryan currently volunteers with Greenville’s Julie Valentine Center as a sexual assault victim advocate.
Twitter: @ryanllashton

References

[1] Lee, Morgan. “My Larry Nassar Testimony Went Viral. But There’s More to the Gospel Than Forgiveness.” Christian History | Learn the History of Christianity & the Church, Christianity Today, www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/january-web-only/rachael-denhollander-larry-nassar-forgiveness-gospel.html. Accessed 15 Jan. 2019.
[2] “Sexual Assault in the United States.” Sexual Assault Statistics | National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), www.nsvrc.org/statistics.
[3] “Interview with Rachael Denhollander about Pastors Protecting Children and Advocating for Victims.” Practical Shepherding, 15 Feb. 2018, practicalshepherding.com/2019/02/14/interview-with-rachael-denhollander-about-pastors-protecting-children-and-advocating-for-victims/.
[4] “A Visit from Dr. Diane Langberg.” Helping Up Mission, 11 May 2017, helpingupmission.org/2017/05/langberg/. Accessed 18 Feb. 2019.
[5] “What Is DARVO?” Commentary: Loftus, Bugs Bunny, Memory, & Media, Center for Advanced Study in the Behavioral Sciences, Stanford University, https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html?fbclid=IwAR2A9jTrqhzHHliPt0GxdZZDBPX5yl6-a_idcFthXIB05dYj8prcU8q3NUk#Short%20Definition. Accessed 18 Feb. 2019.