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It’s been 10 years since reporting my dad and the reality of losing so much is hitting hard

person standing near lake

Last night my eight year old son brought up my father whom he’s never met. In July of 2011, after my youngest sister Alex disclosed that she was sexually abused as a child by our dad, Mom and I reported him to the police. Not a day has passed that I don’t think about that day. Nearly a year after we reported, he received a 30-60 year prison sentence for sex crimes against multiple children. You can hear Alex tell her story here:

I don’t know what prompted my son to ask questions about my dad–his grandfather. He may only be eight, but he is a very deep thinker. “What was it like to report your own dad and send him to prison?” To be honest, the question caught me off guard. I wrote a whole memoire this year about our family’s journey but I never really thought about having to explain reporting my dad to my eight year old son. He knows that I loved and adored my dad growing up. He also knows that my dad harmed many little children.

My son is a spitting image of me when I was his age. He wears his emotions on his sleeve, just like me (yes, I cried during Bambi as a kid and I’m OK with that!). He is kind and curious, always asking deep questions about life and always (quite literally) wanting to know how he can change the world for good. I answered him honestly: “It was terrible. I hated it. I lost my dad the second I walked into the police station. He will die in prison and I think about it all the time. But I would do it again and again the minute I heard he was hurting children.”

Without hesitation, my son came over to me, hugged me, and said, “Dad, I love you with all of my heart. But if I knew you were hurting children I would report you to the police too. It would be sad to lose my dad but it would be sadder to not do anything if I knew kids were being hurt and I didn’t stop it.” Wow! His answer welled up out of his heart. He meant every word that he said. He said it with conviction and authority. I often walk away from training churches and wonder whether, if push came to shove, adults would actually make a report. Statistics show that reporting is rare. Cover ups are overwhelmingly more common than reports of abuse.

The first thing that struck me is that, if an eight year old gets it, what in the world is the excuse for all these adults who intentionally turn a blind eye to abuse. An eight year old admits he would be more willing to turn in his own father than to allow peers to be abused. It still blows my mind that adults can be so hardened that they would allow a child rapist to keep abusing child after child. This is not love. It’s certainly not grace. And it’s definitely criminal.

The second thing that struck me is that the reality of how much my family has lost is finally starting to hit hard. It’s not that I was ever in denial. But I think part of my coping with the layers of trauma was to immediately enter into other people’s trauma. As most advocates do, I immersed myself in hearing, understanding, and experiencing the pain of others as they tell their stories. Every story I hear reinforces the fact that we all have lost so much. Every victim, ever family member of an abuser–we all have lost so, so much.

The losses are too many to count–Loss of a father, loss of my brother who died unexpectedly, loss of the way our family used to be, loss of close friends, loss of my children only knowing their grandfather as a felon, loss of a church that once was full of laughter and joy, and on I could go. Abuse strips so much from so many innocent people. The ripple effects are never ending. It’s been ten years and I feel as weak as I did the day I was sitting in that police station. Perhaps this is why adults fail to report. Maybe for them the cost of losing so much isn’t worth it to them. Maybe they’d rather innocent children take on the pain rather than dealing with the inevitable losses that come with reporting.

But for me, the gains far outweigh the losses. When I realized that my son truly gets it–that he will be a warrior for the innocent–my heart was full again. To gain an ally in the dark world of advocacy is a gain that’s immeasurable. For all you protectors out there. . . keep fighting for justice. Keep exposing the deeds of darkness. Evil will not win!

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Denial of abuse IS spiritual abuse

woman crying

In the past couple of days I’ve received four messages from people crying out because they warned church leaders of their abuser, only to be told that they are being over-reactive and “judgy.” These were not petty allegations either. There was plenty of evidence given to those leaders, including news articles, sex offender registry links, and lists of charges that were filed against the criminals. Yet, to no avail, the pleas for church leaders to warn their congregations fell on deaf ears, leaving them completely underwhelmed and unmoved.

Not only were church leaders not willing to warn their congregations about the abusers’ serial criminal activity and charges, but in three of the four cases, they offered the abusers a platform for teaching and preaching to church members. Victims were left feeling deflated, unheard, and were warned by those same leaders that they need to drop the matter or else. This behavior is spiritual abuse at its worst. There is a radical difference between ignorance and willful denial. Both are equally dangerous to innocent people, but willful denial will enable abusers more than anything. When leaders refuse to even look at the evidence at hand, they are abusing their position as leaders. When they become aggressive toward victims (or anyone, for that matter) for speaking up about current or past abuse, they are behaving no better than the abuser.

The above scenarios are not uncommon. To be sure, ask any survivor of abuse what their church’s response was when they warned church leaders about an abuser. Most–but not all–will share stories of leaders denying, minimizing, or ignoring abuse allegations. When leaders deny or minimize abuse “in the name of Jesus,” it sends a very clear message to the victim that their wounds don’t matter and that the abuser is more important. Worse, it sends a message to all the innocent people in the congregation that their safety doesn’t matter. Shutting down people who legitimately warn others of legitimately dangerous predators is spiritual abuse. It’s exactly what Jesus spoke about when he said, “He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.” (John 10:12, 13).

My mission in life is to understand child predators and how they so successfully con everyone in their lives so that I can help spare innocents from being harmed. But I also want to know the heart of God. At no point in the Bible does God ever condone defending, supporting, or turning a blind eye to abusive oppressors. In fact, God consistently defends the cause of the oppressed. Abusers are crafty, smart, charismatic, and persistent. If we are serious about making our church gatherings safe, we need to be serious about keeping abusers at bay.

A repentant child abuser wouldn’t fathom being near children again, let alone teaching and preaching. Positioning oneself as a spiritual leader and mentor after having serially raped and molested multiple victims is a misnomer. Child abuse is not a sin where someone accidentally “falls into temptation.” It’s a crime. And a sophisticated one at that. It takes a very high degree of practiced lying and deceit to successfully gain access to children, repeatedly molest them, guarantee their silence, and remain undetected. Abuse depends on the trust and naivety of others. This is exactly why abusers can never be trusted again. Abusers know how easy it is to get away with abuse, so why in the world would they place themselves in a culture where leaders are swooning over them and they are surrounded by children?

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Interview questions to ask preaching candidates

crop businessman giving contract to woman to sign

Last fall, Houston Chronicle came out with a damning six part investigative series on abuse cover-ups in the Southern Baptist church. Over 700 victims were discovered as a result. Additionally, over 35 Southern Baptist ministers and volunteers were accused of abuse but were still permitted to keep working, and more than 100 Southern Baptist youth ministers are currently in prison, are registered sex offenders, or are charged with sex crimes. People are rightfully losing trust in church leadership.

The Southern Baptist church hyped up the Caring Well Challenge, by stating that “The Caring Well Challenge is a unified call to action on the sexual abuse crisis in the Southern Baptist Convention. It provides churches with an adaptable and attainable pathway to immediately enhance their efforts to prevent abuse and care for abuse survivors.” This challenge has its critics, myself included, because actions always speak louder than words. In a highly controversial move, J.D. Greear defended the hiring of Bryan Loritts this summer, even though Loritts is accused of covering up sex crimes of his brother-in-law over a decade ago.

Numbers don’t lie. They are not emotional; they just are. Megan and Dominique Benninger launched a database, BaptistAccountability.org, in February of this year to identify convicted and credibly accused abusers and churches that cover-up their abuse. As of this writing, there are already 534 entries, with 404 who’ve been convicted, 82 with credible allegations, and 48 that were covered up/enabled. We interviewed the Benningers on The Speaking Out On Sex Abuse Podcast, and they both acknowledge that the numbers are far, far greater than what is reported.

Clearly there is a major problem across all denominations with either knowingly hiring and hiding abusers, or not doing a good enough job screening them in the first place. Each time I was interviewed to work with a church, I was thrown softball questions that were, in my opinion, shallow, and the questions I was asked told them nothing about who I really am. This is common. To be fair, many churches don’t have any training in abuse and sadly abuse isn’t even on their radar. We recently recorded an episode about interview questions we recommend asking preaching candidates and people who are being considered for other leadership positions (both paid and unpaid). I’ll provide those questions in this post, in hopes that it will help churches to think about the importance of asking better questions.

Until churches ask better questions, we will continue getting more of the same disastrous results. The church is inundated with cases of abuse. With the exception of 2016, for the past quarter of a century the number one reason for church litigation has been (and continues to be) sexual abuse. The very least we can do is do a better job of interviewing and screening candidates. I list the questions below without comment. To hear us unpack each of these questions, listen to the episode above.

  1. What is God’s foundation?
  2. What was Jesus’ mission?
  3. If an adult in the church came to you and told you that a current member sexually abused her when she was a child, how would you respond?
  4. Several people have privately complained that long-time member and one of the church elders is “too close” to children. A Sunday school teacher comes to you privately to say that one of her small children said that he cries when he sees this elder because “I saw his pee pee.” How do you respond?
  5. A new visitor has been attending for several months. He was a former pastor and has a vast knowledge of the scriptures. Everyone really enjoys him and he hasn’t caused any problems. He shares, privately, that he was falsely accused of sexual abuse and is now on the registry. The church is unaware that he is on the registry and he would like to keep it that way due to the embarrassment this would bring to his family. His former church leaders vouch for his character and ability to teach and lead well. They don’t think he was falsely accused, but they think he learned his lesson in prison and that God’s mercy is for all, regardless of what they have done. How will you respond?
  6. How will you make church a safe place for the oppressed, poor, and the sick?

What would you add to this list?

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Church leaders: Stop “resigning” fired preachers

Resignation letter

In a podcast this week, our topic was Diagnosing Your Church’s Health when abuse allegations come to light. One of our points was that unhealthy churches reframe firings as “resignations” so it appears that the guilty person is quitting. “Resignation” firings allow abusers to receive the blessing of the same leaders who fired them, leading to a very confusing environment. Information about abuse allegations are intentionally withheld from the congregation, so leaders give the false appearance that their preacher willingly resigned. I wish I could say that this dishonest tactic is rare. My experience is that it is incredibly common. Just this week, I have been made aware of two instances of preachers being fired “resigned.” That’s two too many.

Healthy churches don’t lie. They don’t need to. If there are allegations of abuse, leaders need to stand on truth and justice. If a charge is serious enough that a church will fire a leader, what does it say about the church that reframes the firing as a “resignation?” The leader who was fired is then able to scurry off to a new unsuspecting church, where they rinse, reinvent, and repeat. Oftentimes, the leaders who allowed (or forced) a “resignation” will even send off the fired pastor with a letter of recommendation, so long as he or she remains silent about the circumstances surrounding the firing.

This is known in secular circles as “passing the trash.” In 2014, Pennsylvania, where I live, unanimously passed a bill in the House that would ban schools from withholding information about problematic teachers. A Penn Live article says it very clearly: “The bill would bar schools from entering into contracts that suppress information about investigations of abuse and sexual misconduct, as well as prevent schools from transferring problem teachers from school district to school district, a practice called “pass the trash.”

If lawmakers are unanimously making it illegal for schools to pass the trash, isn’t it high time the church realizes just how unethical and immoral it is for them to do it? It’s past time that we have a system in place in the church that also bars churches from passing the trash. When someone is credibly accused of any kind of abuse, churches should report all reportable instances to law enforcement, fire the abusive leader, and communicate clearly with their church why they fired the leader. Church leaders should be concise in their communication. They need to inform the church that they have a zero tolerance policy on abuse.

If you are reading this and you know of a leader who suddenly resigns, know that it’s OK to ask questions. Ask the person if they actually resigned on their own free will or if it was a forced resignation. Ask what circumstances led to the resignation. It’s impossible to know the difference between a legitimate resignation and a firing that is framed as a resignation unless we ask the right questions.

If you are a leader who “resigned” a church leader in the past, repent and make it right. Accept the consequences for allowing an abuser to move on. This may mean stepping down from your role as a leader in the church. It takes humility and courage to admit your mistakes. We advocates see the trail of damage that is created by abusers who are given a free pass to roam from church to church. The church shouldn’t be an abuser’s playground. Leaders, I beg: stop “resigning” abusers and passing the trash.

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5 Things church leaders must do when allegations of abuse arise

Leaders

Last month we recorded a podcast outlining 5 things church leaders must do when allegations of abuse arise. I get many messages from church leaders asking me where to begin. I can empathize, because nine years ago I was in the same boat. Leaders shouldn’t be caught off guard. When it comes to abuse allegations, flying by the seat of your pants is the quickest way to demonstrate to the church that the leadership is unprepared. Being unprepared often leads to disastrous mistakes that leave victims even more wounded, the vulnerable more at risk, and abusers enjoying the benefit of having the protection and anonymity from church leaders. For those who missed the podcast, I repost it and offer these 5 tips in writing here.

  1. Leaders should distance themselves from abusive behavior that is being alleged. It is tempting to defend friends and family when allegations arise, or to reduce abuse allegations to mere “things” that have happened. Don’t. It takes an incredible amount of courage for a victim to disclose abuse. Instead of minimizing abuse, validate what happened to the victims by distancing yourselves from the abuse. A simple, precise statement will go a long way. Say something like, “We don’t know much about the allegations at this point, BUT if they are founded, we leaders never condone abusive language or behavior and will not tolerate it. We are taking immediate action to protect the abused and cooperate with investigators.”
  2. Name the person AND the allegation/accusation. This is the most controversial step. It shouldn’t be. I’ve witnessed leaders bend over backwards to keep the alleged abuser’s name anonymous and often the victim is named instead. Leaders do this to shame and discredit the person alleging abuse, and will tarnish them by labeling them as “gossips.” Unless victims wish to go public, they should never be named. Disclosing abuse is not gossip. When I fist heard an allegation of sexual abuse against my father, I immediately announced to the church that someone disclosed to me that she was sexually abused by my father when she was a minor, and I asked all parents and guardians to keep their children very far away from my dad while the investigation was going on. I made it crystal clear that, under no circumstance, was he permitted to step inside the church building as the investigation was taking place.
  3. Do not hinder church members from asking questions and expressing concern. When allegations arise, there are almost always more victims who are suffering in silence. Don’t silence them more. Be transparent, encourage people to ask questions and share any helpful information, and encourage any other victims to report the abuse. I informed my congregation that there were no questions that they couldn’t ask, and I promised that if I didn’t have an answer, I would find out. I asked them not to speculate or guess who my dad’s victims were. All of us parents were concerned that our kids could have been his victims. At first, I had no idea who his victims were except the one who disclosed to me. So I encouraged church members to contact the detective directly if they had specific questions or concerns about their children. Communication was frequent, and it was always transparent and inviting.
  4. Provide an avenue for potential victims to safely report abusive behavior and never ask them to confront their abuser. Leaders should be clear that ALL leaders are available to hear any allegations of abusive behavior, and that people can go to any one of them. Any leaders who hinder disclosures of abuse should be removed from office immediately. Appealing to Matthew 18 is an absurd misuse of a passage where Jesus told Christians to first “go tell your brother his fault.” Never would Jesus suggest that a person who is oppressed or abused go talk to their abuser as a first step. If a crime has been committed, nobody but law enforcement should talk to the abuser. Always report to the appropriate authorities if criminal activity is suspected.
  5. Protect the value of human souls, not the reputation of the church. Always place human souls above the reputation of the church. Damage control is dishonest because it focuses on whitewashing the public image of the church while covering for someone who has abused innocents and created victims. Instead, focus on helping the wounded to heal. Vow to learn from blind spots and get educated so that more innocent people in the church won’t fall prey to an abuser again.

What would you add to this list?

Photo by Danielle MacInnes on Unsplash

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Why I’m losing (and gaining) hope about abuse in a COVID world

COVID

Make no mistake: abuse is rampant during the COVID pandemic. Not surprisingly, there has been a dramatic increase in online exploitation and trafficking of children. In 2019, the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children received 16.9 million reports, and the majority of them were related to apparent child sexual material, online enticement, child sex trafficking, and child sexual molestation. That was 2019. This year, those numbers have exploded. Forbes had an article at the beginning of the COVID crisis called Child Exploitation Complaints Rise 106% To Hit 2 Million In Just One Month: Is COVID-19 To Blame? Our children are more vulnerable to predators than they’ve ever been, for a variety of reasons.

Every report I read and every advocate, counselor, and doctor I speak with says the same thing–abuse is dramatically increasing, especially among children. The problem is exasperated by unrest and violence across the nation. I recently spoke with agents from Homeland Security and the US Marshals and they told me that only the most severe cases of abuse are being looked at while all others are being flat-out ignored. Law enforcement and federal agencies are overwhelmed and are reaching a breaking point. NYPD had to limit retirement applications earlier last month after receiving a more than 400% increase in requests. Court proceedings are convening online, and many cases are falling through the cracks as a result. Elected officials are releasing dangerous sex offenders into the streets because apparently that’s safer for our communities than said offenders getting sick in prison. In April, Orange County California gave seven very dangerous sexual predators early release. Orange County is not the only one releasing dangerous criminals. This is happening all over the US and politicians who are doing this need to be held accountable.

The list could go on and on. My mom and I have dedicated quite a few podcasts to our growing concern about abuse during quarantines. There are many days where I lose hope. I lose hope because our system is badly broken and overburdened to begin with. It takes a tremendous amount of time, money, and resources to convict people of sex crimes. That’s assuming they were caught in the first place. Right now, every agency is overwhelmed. My friends who work in sex crimes divisions throughout various agencies tell me that they are burned out. Abusers are openly talking about exploiting children. They no longer have to hide because they know the risk of getting caught has plummeted. Many schools are not opening in-person classes in the fall. This leaves already battered, molested, and terrified children even more vulnerable. This, too, makes me lose hope.

But I also have hope. While on vacation recently I saw families out and about, smiling and laughing. Every person we encountered was kind and many went out of their way to talk to us. More people are spending time outside and recreation businesses are booming. Advocacy centers are very aware of the vulnerability of children right now and are being proactive by checking in on families. Every police officer, federal agent, and case worker I talk to are super kind, helpful, and are thankful for communication.

I’ve witnessed people working hard to provide online training, since many in-person trainings cannot take place. Operation Underground Railroad is actively rescuing human trafficking victims all over the world. That organization alone is raising awareness and people are paying attention. Today the Justice Department is announcing $35 million in grants for housing assistance to victims of human trafficking.

I have hope because people are openly talking about abuse like never before. Victims are being empowered to speak up. Several states opened up a one to two year window that allows victims to file lawsuits against organizations that covered up their abuse. I have hope because I don’t believe that people are going to keep remaining silent. Just yesterday Jerry Fallwell Jr. posted, then deleted, highly inappropriate photos of him partying on a yacht. The public is outraged and is demanding his immediate firing from Liberty University. The days of this kind of gross public behavior are over. People have had enough and are going to keep calling out people for being gross and demoralizing others. And so I have hope.

Photo by Edwin Hooper on Unsplash