“I turned my back for literally ONE second!!”, she lamented. My wife is Assistant Director and Preschool teacher at a daycare center. She has a few students who are a handful, to say the least. The child she was telling me about decked another kid the second my wife turned her head. This is routine behavior for this particular child. I talk a lot about “testing” vs “grooming” behaviors. Children know how to test us adults from a young age. It’s a normal part of learning, growing, and maturing. They test boundaries to know what they can and cannot get away with. Parents or caregivers who are more passive may witness children who easily test boundaries and get away with much more than children whose parents intervene quickly.
We often hear that abusers find vulnerabilities and exploit them–that they search for the vulnerable single parent to target them or their kids, or they find vulnerable institutions with weak policies, or they find vulnerable kids who have an unstable home life or low self-esteem. With this premise, training tends to focus on reducing vulnerabilities and increasing awareness. Educate people more, create more programs to help at-risk children, have seminars on better parenting, put two adults in every classroom, put windows in doors, talk to teens about self-esteem, and on the list goes. While I’m in favor for doing all of the above, I also know enough now to know that this will do very little to deter abusers. This is a defensive stance, and abusers are always on the offensive. When they see someone playing defense, they will forge a way to covertly go around that line and accomplish the goal they set out to do anyway. Like the child who saw an opportunity when my wife turned her back, abusers know how to see opportunities the second they arise. And if opportunities don’t present themselves, abusers will create opportunities.
In studying abusers, I’ve found that they wear a very different lens than we do. We think they look for vulnerabilities, and to some extent they do. But this is not their modus operandi. Looking for and creating opportunities, however, is. In fact, abusers exploit our perception of vulnerabilities to create more opportunity to abuse. For example, one of the most common and ineffective policies is where churches keep known child molesters from entering a children’s wing of the church but still allow them to be elsewhere in close proximity to children (albeit supervised–though there are serious issues with this as well). This policy, otherwise known as a “limited contact agreement,” assumes that “keeping an eye on” an abuser is enough to hold them accountable and keep them from abusing more victims. It also assumes that children in the children’s wing are more vulnerable because there is a higher concentration of them all in one area.
But an abuser will use your perception of vulnerability in order to create opportunity. Remember, he or she is always on the offensive. For example, while everyone feels safe and secure because known child molesters are not allowed in the children’s wing or in bathrooms alone, they will observe which of the children outside the children’s wing are running around unmonitored. Abusers are always watching and taking inventory. Which children are allowed to roam? Which ones have unassuming parents? How do they interact with adults? With each other? It’s important to note that abusers live, breathe, and think deception constantly. This is why Paul warns Timothy: “. . . evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (2 Timothy 3:13). Paul rightly extends no invitation into the church for abusers. He does not tell Timothy to have an open door policy for all in the Ephesian church. Instead, Paul warns Timothy that they are “having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people” (2 Timothy 3:5).
Paul also uses the proper terminology to describe these deceivers–impostors. I believe that part of why so many are afraid to use that language in the church is because they falsely believe that abusers sheepishly look for vulnerabilities and those vulnerabilities are what “tempt” the abuser. Once they find vulnerabilities, they “fall into sin” because they were tempted. If we remove vulnerabilities, according to this reasoning, it’s as if we are helping abusers avoid temptation. But I strongly insist that this is not the correct way to view deception. Again, abusers are not looking for vulnerabilities as much as they are creating opportunities. This is why Paul warns that they will go on from bad to worse. It’s why he is so quick to label them impostors. It’s why he warns Timothy to avoid them.
This is also why I liken abuse to other petty crimes like pick pocketing. Pick pockets are not simply polished criminals with slick hands. They also know how to read people really, really well. They do it intuitively. They are people watchers. Yes, abusers do look for vulnerabilities, but they primarily are creating opportunities. It takes tremendous practice, skill, ability to read people, ability to deceive people, and–most importantly–the heart to actually follow through and pull it off. Abusers know what to say, how to say it, when to say it, and how you will respond to what they are saying. If we think that reducing vulnerabilities will reduce the chances of an offender creating more victims, we are wrong. They will simply migrate to another person, geographic area, or church. Put another way, they will create new opportunities to keep deceiving in order to produce more victims. “They will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived.”
When I go to churches and other organizations to train, my goal is not just to reduce vulnerabilities. While that’s important, my main goal is to train people to detect deception and intervene. Many people ask me for a checklist of things to look for in an abuser, and it really is not this simplistic. Abusers are dynamic; always changing, observing, and looking for opportunity. As soon as we create a checklist of “red flags,” they’ve already adapted and have found 100 more opportunities to abuse in 100 different ways. The good news is that if we rethink the way abusers operate, we can begin to see their “tells.”
For example, I observe people who are observing others. Who are the adults whose eyes are always roaming? Do the conversations usually turn to boasting about love for children? Are there people who, even if for a second, can’t keep their eyes from looking at children? My father once told me, from prison, that he can spot another pedophile within 30 seconds of walking into a crowded room. Asked how he can do this with such ease, he answered, “Easy! I just watch their eyes.” Are these same adults with roaming eyes able to keep their hands to themselves or are they patting kids on the head as they walk by? Do they talk out of both sides of their mouth? When they speak are they drawing people in or are they just holding normal conversations? Do they exaggerate? Do they use compliments or tell jokes in order to gain interest or divert attention? Do they flirt with women? Say inappropriate things or tell jokes that are just a little off color?
There are so many more tells, but the point for this post is that a skilled abuser won’t be deterred by churches or organizations that reduce vulnerabilities. They’re far too skilled and determined to be deterred. The best chance we have at limiting the risk of abuse is to be more proactive at observing people constantly and with consistency. We need to be far more honest when someone is making other people uncomfortable. And we need to be willing to determine who the impostors are and to name them as such.
Cancer cells in the body are impostors. They are much like normal cells in the body, but the difference is that cancer cells continue to divide, masquerading as normal cells while wreaking havoc on the cells that actually are normal. I’m not a doctor and don’t pretend to be one but oncologists, to my knowledge, never attempt to rehabilitate cancer cells and turn them back into normal ones. Rather, oncologists know the imminent danger these impostor cells pose and the goal is to identify and remove them as quickly and completely as possible. Can you imagine an oncologist using the same philosophy as most churches today? “Let’s not judge. Forgive and move on. All cells are welcome in this body. Reconcile in Jesus’ name. Let’s all be together. Please don’t call them cancer cells; they’ve repented. We’ll allow these cells here in the main part of the body, we just won’t let them in the children’s corner. We’ll keep an eye on them.” Such a response would be embarrassingly ridiculous. Yet this has become the norm for how churches respond to abuse.
Some may take issue with this analogy and think that if we take this approach with abusers there would be nothing to stop us from taking the same approach with all sinners. After all, we all sin and fall short of the glory, right? But we are not talking about sinners like you and me. We are talking about people who intentionally and serially deceive and masquerade as one of us when they are not. The Bible uses all kinds of terms to describe this class of sinner: wolves, false prophets, dogs, thorn bushes, thistles, animals, impostors, born for destruction, blots, blemishes, to name a few. The Bible not only identifies them as such, but it never recommends rehabilitation, reconciliation, or any kind of association once they’ve been identified. This is not a coincidence. It is essential for the life of the church to name the ones who are hell bent on destroying it by ruining innocent lives. A body cannot thrive when cancer is slowly eating its host away.
And, like cancer cells, abusive impostors will find opportunity where they can best cloak themselves and do the most amount of damage. They don’t do this because they are “tempted by vulnerabilities.” They do it because it is what they do and who they are.
Until we shift our thinking and begin studying and understanding deception, the church will continue to be light years behind the secular world while its impostors continue to destroy the innocence of every good, young, and healthy cell within the Body.
Photo by W A T A R I on Unsplash
The analogy with cancer/malignant cells and yours and your Dad’s descriptions about how to pick out a pedophile in 30 seconds are like gold for keeping kids and people safe. Thank you so much for this post and your work. I am going to be sharing this. with others
Thank you so much Jimmy for this. As I look back over various situations I can recall feeling uneasy about certain people and situations. Watching the eyes is something I hadn’t really thought about though and it does make sense.
You describe the church having “cancer cells” and I have also been pondering the thought of how some people have been handed over to Satan. I know that there have been some people where I feel even a “check” when I try to even pray for them as it feels that they have been handed over and praying for them feels like I am praying against the will of the Lord. But that seems to go against everything I have ever been taught about the grace and goodness of God. I even felt as a teen that the Lord revealed that the young man who abused me had been abused. Of course that didn’t make the abuse OK at all, but then it caused me (and still causes me) to wrestle with the question of how much grace to extend to child abusers? Have we erred on the side of cheap grace and because of that our churches are no longer the safe sanctuaries that they are supposed to be? Judgement begins in the house of God. We seem to skip over that verse. But to pray for God’s house to be fully purified and unified is something that I cry out for and long for. So thankful for the powerful voices that are rising up right now. God bless!
Jimmy, this is top notch! Thank you so much.
What you said about the cancer analogy is of vital importantce. I’ve observed that quite a few advocates refer to the cancer analogy but do not take it to its proper conclusion. However, you are not one of them! You nailed it here:
“Oncologists never attempt to rehabilitate cancer cells and turn them back into normal ones. Rather, oncologists know the imminent danger these impostor cells pose and the goal is to identify and remove them as quickly and completely as possible.”
This parallels what it says in 1 Corinthians 5:11-13
“But now I write to you not to keep company together with anyone called a brother who is a fornicator, or covetous, or a worshipper of images, or a railer, or a drunkard, or a swindler. With such a one, see that you do not eat. For what have I to do with judging those who are outside? Do you not judge those who are within? Those who are without, God will judge. Put away from among you that evil person.” (NMB)
I believe that unless the visible church brings out the scalpel and excises the perpetrators of abuse from the body, the body will continue to grow more and more diseased.
Perpetrators obtain hundreds more victims while advocates pussy foot round the edges suggesting we should feel sorry for them because they are ‘victims of their own self-deception’ and we must ‘protect them from themselves’ or we must ‘rehabilitate them’ .
I believe that unless the visible church brings out the scalpel and excises the perpetrators of abuse from the body, the body will continue to grow more and more diseased.
In medicine, ‘to excise’ means to cut out entirely. For example, a scalpel or laser beam may be used to excise a tumor. The terms excise and resect are not synonymous. Excise implies total removal, whereas resect does not.
Source of that definition: https://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=38495
I learn so much from your blog. I read it from an abuser/batterer standpoint because much of what you speak about pedophiles transfers over. I think a predator is a predator. But my goodness, thankfully I don’t have children as there is so much to learn to possibly protect them and I wouldn’t think of these things (like molestation) as it’s so foreign — perhaps that’s what makes those who are choice victims, people who are innocent and ignorant to such evils.
It’s interesting to think about it being more of opportunities and creating them, rather than vulnerabilities of the victim. It helps with the victim-blaming. Adult abusers are like that. And despite trying so hard not to be vulnerable, life circumstances make a person vulnerable and with a determined enough predator, the victim has no chance.
I think batterers should be cut out of church congregations. If they beat their first wife, they’ll beat their next wife. If they verbally abuse their first girlfriend and emotionally shred her to nothingness, they’ll do it to their next girlfriend. Abusers are abusers. But the church membership numbers would drop so drastically that such will never be implemented. But how many abused women met their abuser at church? Or, aside from that, how many abusers pretended to be God-fearing Christians prior to marriage? Church is a great hunting ground as abusers as they want a nice, kindhearted, caring, loving, committed, honest, naive, hopeful, genuine, decent woman to victimize with impunity. Abusers don’t marry ‘witches’ (rhymes with this but is a curse word).
Love these blog posts, Pastor Hinton!
Yes, there are many similarities. And I agree–batterers should be expelled. There’s no room for abuse in the church. Thank you for your kindness!
This is very similar to Henry Cloud’s teaching on 3 types of people according to Scripture: the wise, the foolish, and the evil.
Pastor Hinton,
You said it was your sister who came to you and that’s how the whole turning in your dad thing happened. Given teaching like Henry Cloud, with the whole “wise, foolish, and evil” and your going into the ministry because of your admiration of your pastor father, how do you deal with the pain of feeling foolish, being a fool and being conned/hoodwinked by your father?
My situation is different, in that I unknowingly married an abuser, and after a person’s life is destroyed, there’s no undoing it.
How does a person get past that core hurt? Presumably it was traumatic for you to find out everything with regards to your father was a lie.
How is your sister doing?
In short, how does a person survive the pain? The loss? The wrecked life? The PTSD?
Doesn’t it haunt you that your father turned out to be this evil predator? It haunts me that I married this horrific, depraved, evil abuser.
Perhaps these things can be addressed in future blog posts. I don’t know.
Your series on what forgiveness is and isn’t was fantastic and so helpful. Really enjoy learning the stuff you teach about abusers, predators, and how they operate.
It’s incredibly difficult and haunting to know that I missed seeing it with my father. The way that I deal with it is to harness that frustration and that drives my research. “How did we miss it?” has become my guiding motivation to really dig deep and understand abusers’ techniques. At the end of the day, the best way to turn this tragedy around is to understand deception, learn and teach the techniques, and work tirelessly to prevent abuse BEFORE it takes place.
Thank you for your encouragement. It also helps tremendously to know that what I’m doing is helpful for others.
Oh, the opportunities…. for former VP Joe Biden to “relate” to young girls, the innocent daughters and granddaughters of legislators and other officials. Please, just give these TV event clips from CSPAN2 a look for one moment!
If you think, like I did, that his alleged inappropriate behavior was limited to adult women, prepare to be disgusted. I am disgusted, because in my opinion, the clips in the attached link show a Biden who is determined to lay his hands on and fondle little girls every chance he gets. This isn’t a political party issue, it’s a child safety issue, a humanity and respect issue. (Also, in posting this I’m not giving an endorsement of the Twitter account that posted these clips, I know nothing of that person, just found the link because it was reposted and it shocked me). Thank you for your work with the abused.
“It’s time to talk about former Vice President Joe Biden, the open sexual predator. A thread/moment…”
https://twitter.com/RAMRANTS/status/930065838387863552
I don’t use twitter, but I looked at the linked stuff.
On the one where it is captioned that Jeff Sessions swats Biden’s hand away from his granddaughter, her hair got caught and he was making sure the last strands were free, not necessarily swatting away Biden’s hands.
But one interesting thing was the awkward too-long hug/holding of Hillary Clinton. She’s a powerful woman who is an Ivy League educated lawyer, very much in control, and yet she even falls prey/victim to Biden’s grabbiness. Just shows how it isn’t the fault of the woman, who is victimized, as Clinton seems to be a very in-control kind of person.
Biden has no credibility with me because of the way he acted in the Anita Hill hearings. That poor woman, Ms. Hill, and what Biden and other guys put her through.
Photos are awkward as it is, but grabby guys are everywhere and Biden is clearly another one. Someone with that much power and finesse ought to know better. Handshakes, no hugs. No manhandling other people’s kids.
I am learning that I didn’t have boundaries with kids (but I’m a woman) and now I look at kids differently and will keep my distance for fear of it being seen as suspicious to others. I have not one iota of interest in children nor was I really aware of child molesters’ tactics with putting kids on their laps, and so forth. Now, I’ll be sure not to ever do that with kids, to make sure to keep my distance.
They can get their cuddles from their actual parents. Maybe it should be a policy, just so the innocent and clueless don’t look suspicious and the actual predators will stand out that much more. Especially if you are male! No touching or being cuddly with anyone else’s child, no matter what!
Very good thoughts. Yes, I noticed, too, that Hillary Clinton was uncomfortable but that she still didn’t get away from his weird grasp. Analyzing these videos helps me think of ways that people can successfully intervene. We do not teach people that it’s OK to intervene, and therein lies a big problem. Abusers know this and they know full well that it doesn’t even matter if people see them groping because nobody will stop it anyway. This definitely needs to change.
Your podcasts are great.
In your latest one you acknowledged that the prostituted (instead of saying ‘prostitutes’, it’s preferable to say ‘the prostituted’ to highlight the inherent force and coercion) don’t do it by choice but rather are desperate people being forced into paid rape (yes, paid rape is what prostitution is).
Jesus is for the oppressed. Jesus hates the wicked. Jesus hates the oppressors.
As for Joe Biden, if you search “creepy uncle joe” on youtube all sorts of videos come up of him being creepy and grabby. Watching the coverage, it is as you say, that people are in the room with him, the cameras are rolling, and yet it doesn’t stop him and nobody does anything about it. I think it comes down to power because that’s dad’s new colleague. Perhaps it is because people see what they want to see and their perceptions are based on expectations and experience and if pure and upright folks, they are that much less inclined to see Biden as a creepy, grabby guy and instead they buy the lie/PR statement that he is just affectionate.
Good thoughts on shifting language to “the prostituted” instead of prostitutes. One of the things about being unscripted is that the majority of the content is on the fly. Not everything is carefully thought out. This is great advice!