5 Tips for parents to protect your kids from pervert doctors

Many were shocked when victims and parents spoke up at Larry Nassar’s sentencing, describing how they had been sexually assaulted with their parents in the same room. It didn’t take long before the vultures circled around the parents of those victims and insults were hurled like a molotov cocktail. Cristen Chatman, the mother of one of Nassar’s hundreds of victims, knows these insults all too well:

Over the past several weeks, I’ve read so many angry, uninformed comments, posts and other writings blaming and shaming the parents. Accusations such as “parents should have listened.” “They should have known.” “What were they thinking” or “How could they have let that happen.” I’ve even seen posts suggesting these well-meaning parents be put in cells next to Larry; the very parents that have now come to realize what really happened in the exam room. The crushing guilt that burdens these parents (and me, specifically) is something that can’t be comprehended without walking in the same shoes.

From the Indy Star– Letter: I am a mom who was in the exam room while Dr. Larry Nassar treated my daughter

What Nassar did–molesting his victims in front of their parents–is not uncommon for abusers. In fact, it’s so common among most abusers that I have dedicated my research to understanding abuse techniques and how abusers keep us blind to it. Just this year and twenty miles from my home, pediatrician Johnnie Barto was sentenced to 79-158 years in prison, at the age of 71, after dozens of victims came forward. Like Nassar, Barto molested his victims as he held casual conversations with their parents. Also like Nassar, Barto was under investigation in the past. In 1998 an entire town came out in support of Dr. Barto for a ribbon ceremony as his accusers looked on in shock. His medical license was restored and he went on to abuse many more victims until he was arrested last year.

I can’t help but to cringe when I hear adults say, “We have great policies. We put windows on all the doors and we have people who keep an eye on the kiddos.” This is reminiscent of the recent interview with Li Li Leung, USA Gymnastics’ fourth CEO and former patient of Larry Nassar. Leung said, “I was not abused by him because my coach was by my side and I was in a public setting, so I understand what the setting needs to be like to ensure the safety of our athletes.” What!!?? You can imagine how well this went over with Nassar’s victims who had parents and coaches in the room when they were abused over and over again.

Same here. He talked to my mom about my science homework.

Abhorrent lack of knowledge not just of USAG's situation, but abuse dynamics in general.

— Rachael Denhollander (@R_Denhollander) April 25, 2019

This about covers it. USAG's new president says Larry never abused her because her coach was in the room, so she "understands" preventing abuse.

Except most abuse happened with a parent or coach in the room. So she understands precisely nothing after 2+ yrs. Not acceptable. https://t.co/94fYYjf4ij

— Rachael Denhollander (@R_Denhollander) April 25, 2019

Suggesting that athlete safety can be achieved simply by requiring coaches (or parents) to be present, & changing the setting of medical treatment, is misleading & dangerous.  Fixing the problem requires an understanding that can come only from a full & independent investigation. https://t.co/oFNwvq1b72

— Alexandra Raisman (@Aly_Raisman) April 25, 2019

Li Li Leung believes what most people do about abuse–that if we are in public spaces and keep watch that abuse won’t happen. I am not blaming her completely, but a person leading an organization with such a horrific culture of abuse yet remains this ignorant about abuse is telling. This is how people are trained. We are told that abusers “groom” their victims. We are told that the “red flags” of abusers are people who isolate victims, who shower them with presents, and who can’t hold normal conversations with adults. Most of this research is highly inaccurate, so a false sense of security exists when we have our children within eyesight. And this plays right into the hands of skilled abusers.

I’ve written a lot on abuse in plain sight. If I were to boil it all down into one phrase, I’d say that abusers know how to control what’s called our “spotlight of attention.” They do this via a variety of techniques. Our brain is wired in such a way that it’s incredibly easy for people to exploit our brain’s expectations to create all kinds of visual illusions. If you want to learn more about this, I suggest watching a training that neuroscientists Drs. Stephen Macknik and Susana Martinez-Conde did with me below. They are experts in visual deceptions and how our brain responds.

So what can we parents do while in the same room with doctors, nurses, and PAs? I will start by saying that it is up to parents to be the informed ones. Doctors, nurses, physician’s assistants, and anyone else who is on staff are not being trained to recognize these abuse techniques for creating visual deceptions. Just because there are multiple professionals in the room does not mean they are trained to see abuse in plain sight. In fact, several of Nassar’s victims’ parents who were in the same room were themselves physicians. And their kids were still abused.

The good news is that the steps parents need to take are not complex. But, honestly, we need to forget (or at least temporarily suspend) our training that we’ve all heard on looking for “red flag behaviors” and grooming. If that’s what we’re looking for it will cloud our judgement and abusers will run circles around us. Here are 5 tips I offer parents:

1. Don’t wait until a reportable incident happens to intervene

Pennsylvania, where I live, is the epicenter for much national attention to sexual abuse. Jerry Sandusky and the Penn State scandal unfolded in 2012. Last year Bill Cosby was sentenced in Philadelphia shortly after the release of the Pennsylvania Grand Jury Report into the Catholic abuse scandal. In the wake of all these cases, our state has spent billions of dollars and enacted legislation to require training for mandated reporters, increase penalties for failure to report, and require tons of new people to have background checks every five years. The fruits of this labor? Abuse is still on a dramatic rise in Pennsylvania. Experts can spin this all they want, but the reality is that we are losing ground because of inadequate training that only requires us to report abuse and not to prevent it. Abuse is getting worse, not better. Don’t rely on the professionalism of trained people to prevent your child from being abused. Our statistics show that we are failing our children miserably.

As parents, you have every right to pull your child from a doctors visit at any time during that visit. If you so much as have a gut feeling about someone or your child doesn’t respond well to them, politely ask that the visit be cut short and go to the receptionist to pay or ask to see another doctor. This is prevention. Is it a hassle? Yes. Will you feel silly? Maybe. But I assure you that I have shaken the hands of multiple pilots who grounded planes that they felt were unsafe to fly. When something doesn’t feel right, it’s better to be proactive and create inconveniences before your child is telling you that the doctor did something that made them feel uncomfortable.

2. Watch the eyes, watch the hands, and listen to the words–in that order

All sexual abusers have the following things in common. They view children as sexual objects. Eyes tell a story. We’ve all caught old men gawking at teenage girls at the shopping mall. Eyes that caress butts and breasts are not innocent. We all know the difference between a benign look and one that undresses someone. But when it comes to little children nobody wants to think that someone is capable of sexualizing them. But abusers do. My dad once told me that, prior to landing in prison, he could spot people who are “like him” as soon as he walked into a room. When I asked him how he said, “Simple. I watch their eyes.” He could tell which men were gazing sexually at children just by paying attention to how they were looking at them.

Abusers also must use their hands to molest victims. Sure, there are additional ways to abuse, but all abusers use their hands to grope, penetrate, manipulate, etc. Nassar, Barto, and my own father did horrific things to their victims in front of their parents–using their hands. If you cannot see both hands and all ten fingers at all times, get up and move. Do not get distracted by conversation for a second, which leads me to. . .

Words. Like magicians, abusers talk. Abusers use words to control your spotlight of attention. Don’t let narrative distract you from watching the eyes and hands of the doctor, nurse, or PA. People assume abusers “block their view” of the abuse with their own body. I’m not convinced because I know something of their techniques. Abusers don’t distract you from what they are doing, they draw attention to it. Deb McCaul actually got up and stood next to her daughter Morgan when Nassar worked in the pelvic region–“I wasn’t somebody with, like, my nose in the phone,” McCaul says. “I was having conversations with them. And whenever Larry was doing something in that [pelvic] area, I would go up and stand by the table, because I wanted her to feel more comfortable.”

Deb wonders how she missed it. She was right there, after all. Nassar would actually draw attention to the pelvic region by describing what pelvic floor techniques are. . . as he was penetrating his victims. He was not deterred or nervous by Deb standing right next to him. Never assume that, because you are an alert person, someone can’t or won’t abuse your child right in front of you. They can and they do. We are taught manners and are expected to watch people’s eyes when they talk and avoid looking at areas that make us uncomfortable. Deb describes being able to see Nassar’s one hand but his other one? Deb said, “I couldn’t see that part of it. But I had no reason to question it either.” Know where both hands are and all ten fingers are at all times.

3. If an exam or procedure seems invasive or out of place, stop the doctor immediately

As I research abuse techniques and read cases that are public, I notice certain troubling patterns. Abusive doctors do unnecessary tests and procedures that don’t match the symptoms. If a doctor says they are doing a vaginal examination when your child is there for the flu, refuse it and tell the doctor you are reporting him or her. I was stunned as I read different reports at what doctors were doing to their patients just so they could grope them.

Breast exams were done for common colds. Vaginal and rectal exams were given for upset bellies. And on it goes. I found that, in only a few cases, did parents intervene or ask questions. The vast majority of these abusers got away with this hundreds of times each simply because no parents were asking questions or stopping them from doing it.

If a physician wants to perform a test or treatment that seems strange to you, stop him or her from going any further. Tell them that you would like another doctor to come in the room for a second opinion. If they become agitated or belligerent at the request, congratulations–you just affirmed that this doctor shouldn’t be treating your child. Good doctors will welcome collaboration with other doctors, especially if they are on their team. No doctor should be pushy or make you feel stupid for asking questions. Unless, that is, they have something to hide.

4. Ask to see a copy of the policy for examining private parts

I don’t know what is or isn’t required for doctors in this area. What I do know is that there is wild inconsistency when it comes to actual practice. Sometimes other nurses, doctors, or receptionists are called into the room. Other times they are not. Ask to see their policy on accountability for those types of examinations. If there is no policy, ask if one is required. If it is not required, ask if it’s something that they are going to change.

Whether another staff member is required to be in the room is one thing. You being in the room is another. Never allow your child to be intimately examined, stripped, or touched anywhere near private parts unless you are in the room and have complete visual access at all times. Even if it is not policy, you may request that another doctor or nurse be present as your child’s privates are examined.

If gloves are not worn, refuse to have your child’s privates examined. You don’t have to be mean. But you always need to be firm. This is never negotiable. Nor should it be. It goes without saying, but never leave your child in the room. One time my littlest had to go to the potty after the doctor came in to examine his older sibling. I asked the doctor to pause for a few minutes while all of my children went with me down the hall to the bathroom. The doctor waited alone in the room until we returned. Then he resumed the examination.

5. Train your child

It is essential to communicate with your children what are acceptable boundaries and what are not. My children know that sometimes privates will need examined. They also know that a doctor is required to explain what he or she is going to do before the examination. No doctor is allowed to just examine without talking to us first.

Let your children know that a doctor is never allowed to be alone with them. Let them know that if a staff member makes them feel uncomfortable they are free to talk about it as it is happening. One of us parents will always be in the room. Our children know that they don’t have to wait until after the fact to tell us if something with the examination makes them hurt or brings discomfort. Communication is important. Instant communication is better.

Do not instill fear or distrust of doctors into your child. The vast majority of physicians are good. Our kids like our doctors. They talk with them, tell them about school, and joke around with them. We do a very big disservice to our doctors and our children if we teach our kids to distrust doctors. At the same time, our children know that they have the authority to stop a doctor if anything that the doctor does makes them uneasy. And we parents have the right to refuse certain doctors too.

Photo by Martha Dominguez de Gouveia on Unsplash