Abusers do their homework and so should you. I have yet to meet a “dumb” abuser. Abusers rarely get caught and, even if they are suspected of abuse, they become emboldened to abuse more. As Peter describes them, they are “like irrational animals, creatures of instinct” and “they count it pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you” (2 Peter 2:12, 13 ESV).
I have neither met or heard of a child abuser who does the one thing that an abuser should do after getting caught–actually stay away from children. In fact, I receive requests for consultations from people whose churches welcome abusers with open arms. It’s no surprise that churches have an overpopulation of abusers in the church. Baptist Accountability lists hundreds of child offenders, most of whom are either still preaching or are active members of a church.
They always magically wind up at church
It’s no accident that abusers wind up at churches, evenespecially after they are caught. My dad’s own description of church volunteers who visit his prison is telling: “They’re so stupid and gullible.” Abusers know how to fool people. They’ve done it their entire lives. Child predators are both intuitive and knowledgeable. Abusers do their homework and so should you. They know who the gullible people are, who to target, and they will strike again. This interview with Dr. Michael Bourke is very good. Dr. Bourke talks about why recidivism is so low for child sexual abusers and how common it is for them to actually reoffend.
Trust your gut
Just this week I was contacted by someone I know but haven’t spoken to in years. The request was simple enough but it didn’t sit right with me. My gut told me to ignore the message. I’m glad I did. A few days later I got an anonymous call about this person. He was jailed two days after contacting me. When I did a quick online search I found a long history of felony charges of abuse of minors.
When I made a couple of phone calls it appeared he attempted to use me to flee the country. I had no idea there was a history of abuse, let alone any arrests. But my intuition told me to hesitate. When something doesn’t look or sound right we need to do our homework.
Don’t be lazy
Too many churches take the lazy route. They implement an open door policy and never look into people. Even when they know someone is a convicted sexual abuser they go out of their way to not research the person’s history. It’s not that difficult to look someone up. As part of a course, I teach people how to search for offenders for free. Believe me when I say abusers know everything there is to know about the people at their church. They chose your church for a reason.
Do your homework. Know who you are talking to and who interacts with your kids. Abusers do their homework and so should you.
It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to support this blog, you can offer tips via the coffee logo. Or if you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!
Do abusers really feel remorse when confronted? A few years ago I listened as a group of church leaders described what one of their church members did to multiple young children. It was graphic. Really graphic. They were rightfully angry and reported the abuse immediately to the police. The abuser was aware that his crimes were reported. The leaders were adamant that they meet with him to tell him he was no longer welcome at the church.
They asked what they should expect when they met with him. By now I can write the script for how abusers respond in my sleep. “It was a long time ago. The child wanted it and I tried to resist. That’s not at all what happened; this is all a big misunderstanding.” I’ve heard every excuse in the book and pretty much know how an abusers respond. And it’s not with remorse.
I prepped the leaders and warned them again that abusers are extremely charismatic. Abusers talk a good talk and are great with words. They have to be. That’s why they rarely get caught. I met again with the leaders to follow up. It was astounding how quickly their anger from a few days ago had now turned to compassion–for the abuser.
They fell into every trap that I warned them was coming. The problem is that they gave the abuser a chance to defend himself. Abusers expect to be confronted. Believe it or not, they welcome it. They rehearse their responses and think of every angle. My dad once told me, “If you think you’ll be able to tell when we are lying you’re only fooling yourself. We can look you in the eye and tell you anything and get you to believe it. Lying is what we do.”
I don’t know what ever happened at that particular church. I do know that the leaders were considering letting the abuser continue to worship at the same church he produced victims at, against my recommendation. They were sympathetic and did not consider the victims. It’s a story that I could tell 1,000 times. I can’t understand why leaders constantly buckle and cater to abusers. Even when there are undeniable facts, abusers are still treated well in most churches.
Conculsion
In my 13 years of working with dozens of churches and hundreds of survivors, I have yet to see or hear of an abuser who is remorseful. I’m not saying that it doesn’t happen, but it is exceptionally rare. This alone ought to give churches reservations in being so quick to embrace abusers.
It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!
I have great news if you’re looking for stronger child protection strategies! Mom and I have worked tirelessly over the years, shedding many tears and brainstorming the best ways to keep our children safe. We recorded eight one hour videos that are extremely practical for understanding abusers’ specific techniques. This gives you an understanding for how abusers select, get access to, and abuse their victims.
Human nature is to get hung up on why abusers abuse victims. But this does nothing to prevent abuse. Whether we like it or not, preventing abuse effectively means that we have to learn the mechanics of how abusers think about their victims and us. WAY too many churches are assuming. Even when they know abusers are guilty they still roll the welcome mat out and invite predators right back into the very place they produced victims in the first place. We have courses that specifically address this kind of reckless policy and we teach churches how to be proactive in protecting children. Here are a few reasons why this course might be right for you:
AFFORDABILITY–Most online courses are, on average, thousands of dollars. Once you click a link you are committed to a course that is extremely expensive and often you don’t have access to the content until the full course is purchased. We decided that getting this into the hands of as many people as possible wouldn’t happen if the course wasn’t affordable for the average person. I’ve personally bought courses as expensive as $5,000. This works for certain niches but not for abuse prevention.
INDIVIDUALIZED VIDEOS–Each video is only $20. Some people may not need all of the content. That’s OK! You can purchase one, some, or all. It’s totally up to you!
GREAT FOR ORGANIZATIONS AND INDIVIDUALS–These videos were specifically designed to be used individually OR for organizations. Organizations can purchase videos and project them in a group setting. There is no extra fee no matter the size of the organization. Again, we want as many people to get access as possible.
PERMANENT ACCESS–Once you purchase a video, it is yours forever! Some people do a rental service, meaning you only get access for a designated period of time. We want people to be able to view the videos forever. Once you get the videos, they are yours forever!
PRACTICAL–We teach tools that will equip you to protect kids immediately. Most trainings are heavy on the side of reporting and lean on the side of prevention. If you are making a report most likely abuse already occurred. None of us should be OK with that. Training should be simple, to the point, and practical.
It takes a village to keep every child safe. Feel free to check out the videos tab to see some of the free videos. If you want to delve even deeper, check out the trainings tab. Let’s work together to keep our children safe!
In the past couple of days I’ve received four messages from people crying out because they warned church leaders of their abuser, only to be told that they are being over-reactive and “judgy.” These were not petty allegations either. There was plenty of evidence given to those leaders, including news articles, sex offender registry links, and lists of charges that were filed against the criminals. Yet, to no avail, the pleas for church leaders to warn their congregations fell on deaf ears, leaving them completely underwhelmed and unmoved.
Not only were church leaders not willing to warn their congregations about the abusers’ serial criminal activity and charges, but in three of the four cases, they offered the abusers a platform for teaching and preaching to church members. Victims were left feeling deflated, unheard, and were warned by those same leaders that they need to drop the matter or else. This behavior is spiritual abuse at its worst. There is a radical difference between ignorance and willful denial. Both are equally dangerous to innocent people, but willful denial will enable abusers more than anything. When leaders refuse to even look at the evidence at hand, they are abusing their position as leaders. When they become aggressive toward victims (or anyone, for that matter) for speaking up about current or past abuse, they are behaving no better than the abuser.
The above scenarios are not uncommon. To be sure, ask any survivor of abuse what their church’s response was when they warned church leaders about an abuser. Most–but not all–will share stories of leaders denying, minimizing, or ignoring abuse allegations. When leaders deny or minimize abuse “in the name of Jesus,” it sends a very clear message to the victim that their wounds don’t matter and that the abuser is more important. Worse, it sends a message to all the innocent people in the congregation that their safety doesn’t matter. Shutting down people who legitimately warn others of legitimately dangerous predators is spiritual abuse. It’s exactly what Jesus spoke about when he said, “He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. He flees because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.” (John 10:12, 13).
My mission in life is to understand child predators and how they so successfully con everyone in their lives so that I can help spare innocents from being harmed. But I also want to know the heart of God. At no point in the Bible does God ever condone defending, supporting, or turning a blind eye to abusive oppressors. In fact, God consistently defends the cause of the oppressed. Abusers are crafty, smart, charismatic, and persistent. If we are serious about making our church gatherings safe, we need to be serious about keeping abusers at bay.
A repentant child abuser wouldn’t fathom being near children again, let alone teaching and preaching. Positioning oneself as a spiritual leader and mentor after having serially raped and molested multiple victims is a misnomer. Child abuse is not a sin where someone accidentally “falls into temptation.” It’s a crime. And a sophisticated one at that. It takes a very high degree of practiced lying and deceit to successfully gain access to children, repeatedly molest them, guarantee their silence, and remain undetected. Abuse depends on the trust and naivety of others. This is exactly why abusers can never be trusted again. Abusers know how easy it is to get away with abuse, so why in the world would they place themselves in a culture where leaders are swooning over them and they are surrounded by children?
In a podcast this week, our topic was Diagnosing Your Church’s Health when abuse allegations come to light. One of our points was that unhealthy churches reframe firings as “resignations” so it appears that the guilty person is quitting. “Resignation” firings allow abusers to receive the blessing of the same leaders who fired them, leading to a very confusing environment. Information about abuse allegations are intentionally withheld from the congregation, so leaders give the false appearance that their preacher willingly resigned. I wish I could say that this dishonest tactic is rare. My experience is that it is incredibly common. Just this week, I have been made aware of two instances of preachers being fired “resigned.” That’s two too many.
Healthy churches don’t lie. They don’t need to. If there are allegations of abuse, leaders need to stand on truth and justice. If a charge is serious enough that a church will fire a leader, what does it say about the church that reframes the firing as a “resignation?” The leader who was fired is then able to scurry off to a new unsuspecting church, where they rinse, reinvent, and repeat. Oftentimes, the leaders who allowed (or forced) a “resignation” will even send off the fired pastor with a letter of recommendation, so long as he or she remains silent about the circumstances surrounding the firing.
This is known in secular circles as “passing the trash.” In 2014, Pennsylvania, where I live, unanimously passed a bill in the House that would ban schools from withholding information about problematic teachers. A Penn Live article says it very clearly: “The bill would bar schools from entering into contracts that suppress information about investigations of abuse and sexual misconduct, as well as prevent schools from transferring problem teachers from school district to school district, a practice called “pass the trash.”
If lawmakers are unanimously making it illegal for schools to pass the trash, isn’t it high time the church realizes just how unethical and immoral it is for them to do it? It’s past time that we have a system in place in the church that also bars churches from passing the trash. When someone is credibly accused of any kind of abuse, churches should report all reportable instances to law enforcement, fire the abusive leader, and communicate clearly with their church why they fired the leader. Church leaders should be concise in their communication. They need to inform the church that they have a zero tolerance policy on abuse.
If you are reading this and you know of a leader who suddenly resigns, know that it’s OK to ask questions. Ask the person if they actually resigned on their own free will or if it was a forced resignation. Ask what circumstances led to the resignation. It’s impossible to know the difference between a legitimate resignation and a firing that is framed as a resignation unless we ask the right questions.
If you are a leader who “resigned” a church leader in the past, repent and make it right. Accept the consequences for allowing an abuser to move on. This may mean stepping down from your role as a leader in the church. It takes humility and courage to admit your mistakes. We advocates see the trail of damage that is created by abusers who are given a free pass to roam from church to church. The church shouldn’t be an abuser’s playground. Leaders, I beg: stop “resigning” abusers and passing the trash.
When I lived in Arkansas, I worked at an oil changing shop. There was one customer in particular who made us cringe every time he pulled up to the shop. He owned a used car lot and reminded me of Harry Wormwood from the 1996 movie Matilda. “Push ‘er in there, boys!,” he would tell us. “The transmission is slipping too bad to start from a dead stop. We gotta push it in!” The car salesman was getting a transmission flush at our shop to temporarily get the bad transmission working long enough to make a sale. It’s a very dishonest move that probably happens more often than people realize. When customers test drive the car, it runs smoothly after a transmission flush. But the clutch plates inside the transmission are already worn out so the flush doesn’t actually fix anything. Within a matter of months, the transmission inevitably breaks apart. Transmissions cost thousands of dollars to replace, and unsuspecting customers are left with a broken down car and a repair bill that will cost $3,000 or more to get it fixed.
Had the salesman at our shop been honest, he would have either told customers that the transmission was bad and sold the car as is for a reduced price or would have had his mechanics rebuild the transmission and charge more for the car. But he didn’t do either of those things. With snake oil dripping off his suit, he chose to lie and deceive, giving unsuspecting customers the illusion that the car posed no risk to the new owner. I often thought about who the victims were of the dishonest salesman. Were they single moms who scraped all they had together in order to purchase a car so they could have transportation to their job? Were they teenagers, excited to own their very first car? Regardless of who the victims were, the fact is that this man’s dishonesty was putting people out of thousands of dollars while he was getting richer.
If this bothers us, it should. When I see churches intentionally hide sex offenders in the church, I can’t help but to see similarities between them and the dishonest car salesman. Many survivors of abuse and concerned church members contact me quite often to say that their leaders allow sex offenders to join the church but refuse to inform the church of their sex offender status. In fact, churches often will go out of their way to keep sex offenders anonymous, protecting them while placing every child at risk. Another common scenario is when someone is credibly accused of molesting children but the leaders refuse to report it to police, even though they are mandated reporters.
In essence, what leaders are doing is no different than what the dishonest car salesman did. When leaders behave this way, they’re giving the false impression that the abuser has a clean past with no criminal history. The reality is that the abusers are ticking time bombs. The reality is that they do have a history of abusing children. Can’t we at least agree that it is dishonest to pretend that the person is in tip-top shape? And remember, we’re not talking about cars here. We’re talking about real people! Real children are being raped and molested, having their lives altered forever by their abusers. And this, all because churches are giving the false impression that these people are safe.
If we take the above scene from Matilda and apply it to church leaders who tidy up abusers to the church, it’s eerily prophetic. Harry Wormwood tells his kids, “We really should weld these bumpers on. But that takes time, equipment, money. So, we use Super Super Glue instead.” Matilda asks, “Isn’t that dangerous?” Harry barks back, “Not to me, OK?” When she tells him that what he’s doing is dishonest and illegal, he gives his staple reply that’s reminiscent of leaders who run roughshod over concerned members: “I’m smart, you’re dumb. I’m big, you’re little. I’m right, you’re wrong. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
I think it’s wrong for churches to package these practices as “grace” when it’s quite the opposite. It’s dishonest. Failing to inform the church of an abuser’s history of abuse is putting others at risk. Last year I wrote a post about J.D. Greear’s Summit Church’s policy on registered sex offenders. Their policy is linked to as a resource in the SBC’s Caring Well curriculum, touting it as a model policy. You can read my post, which has a copy of Summit Church’s policy embedded. In short, Summit Church makes it clear that only certain leaders will be notified of the sex offender status while church members are asked to “sacrifice peace of mind” that comes with keeping sex offenders away from church where their children attend. Harry Wormwood could have written the policy, and Caring Well is supposed to be the SBC’s gold standard for teaching other churches how to prevent and handle abuse.
It should not surprise anyone, then, that once again Summit Church is making waves. On June 1st, Summit Church hired Bryan Loritts, who allegedly destroyed cell phone evidence when his brother-in-law took voyeuristic videos of approximately one hundred victims when he was at Fellowship Memphis ten years ago. Julie Roys spoke with Jennifer Baker, a victim of Loritts’ brother-in-law, Rick Trotter. Jennifer and another witness from Fellowship Memphis called Summit Church to express concerns about Loritts. Jennifer Baker told Julie Roys, “Shame on Summit for taking a full hour to meet with Greg and (me) ‘to gain more insight and information,’ and then put out this blatantly false statement in complete contradiction to what we testified and what we spelled out for them.”
Church leaders need to do better. We’ve got to be more honest. Churches who invite abusers in should at least offer disclaimers when having anything to do with sex offenders and those who protect and defend them. Otherwise, the message that’s sent to church members may as well be the same as Harry Wormwood: “I’m smart, you’re dumb. I’m big, you’re little. I’m right, you’re wrong. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”
I am not attacking church leaders here. I’m a church leader myself, and I’m begging them to repent and reconsider these policies. We’ve got to understand how these policies look to church members. More importantly, we need to see what message this communicates to abuse survivors. When people’s lives have been wrecked by dangerous predators, it makes no sense when those same predators are painted as safe or righteous when they have a history of abusing minor children.
If churches want to accept sexual predators into their worship service, that’s entirely up to them. It’s not what I would do, but I cannot tell other churches what to do. If the policy is to allow sexual predators to attend, though, the very least they can do is have enough decency to tell the church who the predator is and what his or her history of abuse is. If they are on the sex offender registry, print it off and hand it to church members. A repentant sex offender will thank leaders who inform the church. More importantly, a repentant abuser will have absolutely nothing to hide. A non-repentant one, however, will shame you. Be honest about someone’s bad behaviors and criminal activity. Parents of children will thank you.
