Tag: pedophiles

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Boundaries, Part 2

security-cameras-over-fence-mounted-steel-barbed-wire-30665401Ok, here is the post you all have been waiting for. . . from the perspective of a pedophile’s son, and as one who educates others on a professional level, what are some of the boundaries for my own child? I must preface this post by acknowledging that simply coming up with boundaries will not protect your child. Rules are meant to be followed, manipulated, then broken–in that order–by people seeking access to your child. It is essential to learn how a pedophile typically thinks (not pleasant, I know) in order to understand just how important it is to enforce and adapt your boundaries. As a general rule of thumb, pedophiles will take the path of least resistance. Offer little resistance, and you increase your child’s vulnerability tenfold.

The following boundaries are not exhaustive. In fact, I only list my top 5 here. My wife and I are constantly adding, removing, and adapting boundaries based on our daughter’s age and surroundings, and you are encouraged to do the same. Also, you should be aware that pedophiles are extremely adaptive to technology and environment, and they are generally very patient if it means they can gain access to a child’s body. It may take up to a year or more for them to groom a child and his or her parents in order to have one sexual encounter. Many Christians I know have adopted a “give the benefit of the doubt” mentality to most people and they legitimately feel that it is unfair to assume that someone could be a pedophile. I strongly argue the exact opposite. It is unfair to your child to assume that someone couldn’t be a pedophile.

John the Baptist, as he was baptizing people, said, “Bear fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:8, ESV). In other words, prove that you have changed, don’t just say it. Paul, in giving a defense before Roman authorities, tells King Agrippa that he preached the Gospel to Jews and Gentiles, “that they should repent and turn to God, performing deeds in keeping with their repentance” (Acts 26:20, ESV).

In other words, Paul didn’t give them the benefit of the doubt. Paul wasn’t so naïve as to think that, just because people claimed that they loved God and were good people, it meant that they really were. He demanded, as John did, that they prove themselves through their actions. Jesus, as he sent the 12 out to preach, warned, “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16). In other words, don’t be naïve and think we live in a safe world where all people should be trusted. Remain innocent, but don’t be fooled. So with that in mind, I demand that people prove themselves when they question my boundaries. You want me to believe you are a good person? Don’t violate my boundaries and then we’ll talk!

Boundary #1–Deny Physical AccessThis is going to sound radical to many people, but we don’t want adults to be alone with our child unless we have a sitter who my wife and I both approve (we only have 2 sitters who we trust and have used; they are both women). Because the majority of molesters are men, we do not allow any men to be alone with our child. We do not apologize for this. It’s not that women can’t or don’t offend, but there are far less women than men who do. We are still vigilant with the women who watch our daughter on rare occasions. There are other physical boundaries–tickling, wrestling, holding, certain types of hugs, etc. are off limits. Period.

Boundary #2–Deny Picture/Video Access of Our Child to the Public
I see it too many times–the majority of my Facebook friends incessantly post “cute” pictures and videos of their kids for the world to see. Natalie and I rarely put any pictures or our child up. When we do, they are set so that only our friends can see them and our daughter is fully clothed. We have made a decision not to send any pictures of our daughter to dad, either, despite his repeated pleas for photos of “the grands.” July of 2011 is the last he has seen our daughter. Just last week dad wrote me saying that he doesn’t understand why we don’t send him pictures and he hopes we change our mind. I doubt we will. It is very sad, but when you remind yourself how someone takes something very innocent and manipulates it into something perverted for masturbatory fantasy, you will (hopefully) stick to this boundary as well. I’ve written on this before (see my Facebook: Playground for Pedophiles and How You Dress Your Child Matters). I assured dad that withholding pictures is not a punishment. His prison sentence is a severe punishment for his crimes. Rather, it is a protection for our daughter. There is a big difference between punishment and protection.

Pedophiles constantly rob public photos and videos of young children from Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, Pintrest, Flickr, etc., fill their hard drives with them, and share them with each other. The following is a video that, most likely, some innocent mother originally posted of her waking up her young daughter. Someone grabbed it, reposted it with a different title, and it is a pedophile best hits video. If you don’t believe me, look at the comments and the other videos that appear on the sidebar. Some of the comments are: “im actually a multi millioanire businessman who travels the world frequently, and i need a plaything as a stress relief, if anyone can get me into contact with this little princess i will wire you US$1,000, im desperate for some young blonde flesh” and “God dangit. What is it about a girl just waking up that’s such a turn on? And my god she’s gorgeous.” and “She is soooo Hot! I’d love to be under them sheets with her!”.

It’s hard to tell, but she is probably about 10-12 years old. It’s hard to believe that this video is such a turn on, but it has become grossly sexualized by those living in fantasy land. Think like a pedophile before you post pictures and videos of your child for the world to see (or as in this case, for over 107,500 to view).

Boundary #3–Don’t Be the Sole Helper With My Child In the Bathroom, But Don’t Leave Her Alone Either
This one is difficult to enforce, but since my wife works at the daycare where our daughter goes, we have a major upper hand. Children should not be allowed to go to the bathroom alone; they should take bathroom breaks in groups. Being alone makes them very vulnerable for a number of reasons. For one, they can get hurt, get locked in the bathroom, or mess themselves and nobody would know it. For another, any adult roaming daycare, school, or church halls could easily walk into a bathroom and sexually offend a kid and nobody would know it. An adult helping a child solo is a terrible idea, too. Believe it or not, one tactic for some pedophiles is to feed children laxatives so they poop their pants. Then the “super hero” comes in to change the child’s clothes and clean him or her up. There is a lot more than cleaning going on in this scenario.

So, either take your child to the bathroom yourself (if you are physically present, like at church) or insist that two adults assist your child with zero or minimal physical contact. This includes at school, too. I’ve spoken with elementary teachers who told me that there are private bathrooms attached to each classroom and they’ve seen other teachers go into the bathroom with just them and a child and then close the door. That would be my daughter’s last day of school if this happened to her. Be aware of your school’s policies and if bathroom accountability is not scripted into the policy, demand that it be or pull your child from school.

Boundary #4–Doctor’s Visits With My Child Include Me or My Wife Too
As far as I know, there is no standard policy where doctors must have an aide present with children. I have a brother who is a doctor, but I haven’t asked him what his policy is. But it doesn’t matter much. I know what my policy is. When I was in high school, I had to have a physical by a guest nurse who came to our school because I played basketball. The nurse was a she, she was young, and she was attractive. She commanded me to “drop my drawers” and so I did–with just her and me in a room. While nothing sexual happened, that was a horrible call on her part. I do not allow any doctor to shut him or herself in alone with my child for any reason whatsoever. This includes pediatric doctors, dentists, nurses, or anyone who can gain physical access to my child in any way. My wife or I will make ourselves available for all of her (and our soon to be boy’s) appointments. And we will be present in the room with the doctors and/or nurses.

Boundary #5–No Secrets With My Child
Another technique in the playbook of grooming children is to tell them something like, “You’re my special friend. I’ll let you have candy (or whatever the parents forbid), just don’t tell them. It will be our little secret.”

We all do it with our kids. We playfully tell them little silly secrets. I’ve caught myself being reeled into this child’s play with my daughter. “I have a secret. . . . Daddy loves you.” But then I catch myself. If I love my daughter, why turn it into a game whereby I program her to normalize something that is crucial for predators to operate and offend? Why not just tell her, “I love you”? I have to constantly remind myself not to play the “I have a secret” game with her, because I don’t ever want her to think that, because daddy tells me secrets, it must be ok for others to tell me secrets. Secrets are not ok. As adults, we are unforgiving of secrets and they are associated with gossip or betrayal. Why, then, do we normalize and play games telling secrets with our children? It may seem trivial, but it’s really not. I have a stack of about 30 books on pedophilia. There’s one thing that is in every one of those books–pedophiles constantly groom and test children by playing “secret” games.

Let me know your thoughts. What are some of your boundaries? What are some things we can do to make sure our parental boundaries are not crossed?

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Setting Boundaries, Part 1

security-cameras-over-fence-mounted-steel-barbed-wire-30665401I was asked to write about what my boundaries are with my child for daycare, baby sitters, nursery at church, and everywhere else. I must admit that setting proper boundaries is extremely difficult because it is vital to the protection of your child. . . so coming up with those boundaries, knowing what the right boundaries are, being consistent in keeping those boundaries (add to the mix of trusting that others will enforce your boundaries), and being willing to adapt those boundaries just terrifies me. Being the son of a pedophile, I now know firsthand how dad was so easily able to gain access to children, isolate them, and abuse them. Thankfully, he is raw when we talk. He’s told me that I can share some information from his letters, and I will here. One line from a letter that will forever stick in my mind is this: “Jimmy, I dropped kids off at a Christian daycare and I could have easily abused any kid I wanted from there. Daycares are one of the easiest targets for pedophiles.” Though he assured me he didn’t abuse any kids from that particular daycare, his words haunt me yet. He was not a daycare worker, yet he still admitted that, as an outsider, he could have abused any kid he wanted. My daughter goes to daycare. I see TONS of gaping holes in which a pedophile could walk right through. Access to your kid’s body is the key that unlocks your child’s innocence. Period. I will establish the reasons why we should restrict access to our children in this blog, then write about what those boundaries are in part 2.

WHY SET BOUNDARIES?
The reason why we do things is important. Most people don’t want to think about the “why.” Not in this area. Our minds want to believe that “good” people would never do these things to young children, especially a close family or church friend. 40 million survivors of child sex abuse in our country alone will tell you otherwise. So our easy answer is to teach our kids about “stranger danger,” a useless strategy since the majority of molesters are groomers and over 75% of molesters are known by the victim. But we feel better about having taught our kids “safety” and so we blindly drop them off at daycare without questioning their policies, we leave them alone with a babysitter or nursery volunteer, granting unlimited access to our kids, we let them have sleepovers at their friends’ houses–never thinking that mom, dad, or siblings living in the house could be pedophiles, we drop them off at Kindergarten without asking about safety policies, we pat them on the head as we drop them off at Christian camp for the week, and we let the doctor examine our children alone because he is, after all, a professional.

But guess what? Every single scenario I just mentioned are considered “high risk” areas. They are called high risk because the main ingredient for the recipe of sexual assault is present in every one of them–access. While you were worried about whether your kid will get along with other kids, or pass his physical examination, or get good grades in school, you overlooked one vital fact–you left your kid alone at a place where he or she can very easily be isolated from the herd and be sexualized by an adult within seconds.

Am I too over protective? I get asked that a lot. Ask Dr. David Wilson, a respected child psychiatrist and osteopathic physician and surgeon from Ogden, UT who was charged last Monday for 15 counts of sexual exploitation of a minor and who was looking at hundreds of graphic nude images of children aged 6-12 on his office computer at the hospital where he worked.1 This is not an isolated incident. It. Happens. All. The. Time. I daily read of stories of sex crimes committed against children–committed by family friends, doctors, ministers, baby sitters, teachers–and the story is always the same: “We never would have thought he was doing this to children.” Exactly.

Worse yet, the multitude of stories we read about in the news only include the people who are getting caught. We have a responsibility to set real boundaries for our kids. Unapologetically. And here’s the great irony–the more you establish boundaries to keep your kids safe, the more you will be ridiculed by family, friends, and peers. When they don’t care to understand the why, you are just being a paranoid weirdo. But guess what? It’s not their kid! It is so important to understand how pedophiles think, operate, groom, and gain access to children. Without this understanding, you will never, ever, ever, ever see the real need to set important boundaries for your kids’ protection.

I will write a follow up on what boundaries my wife and I have set for our daughter, and how that is not adequate for her protection. More, not less, needs to be done. We can do this without being paranoid or locking them in their rooms for life. It’s not easy, but it can be done. Subscribe if you would like to follow these important blogs. I’d love to hear some of the reasons why some of you have set boundaries for your kids, and what (if any) backlash you’ve received because of it.

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Exploited Children in Churches and How Our Denial Fuels Abuse

Surprisingly, I had never heard of the televangelist sensation Todd Bentley until a friend of mine showed me an outrageous Youtube video (thanks, John!). Known as the “BAM, BAM, BAM” faith healer with hundreds of thousands of followers”1, Todd is known for outrageous claims and violence on stage.

Though I believe that Todd is an embarrassment to Christianity and everything that Jesus stands for, the purpose of this blog is not to poke fun at Pentecostals. There are plenty of genuine Pentecostal/Charismatic believers who openly distance themselves from Todd and others. The purpose is, however, to generally demonstrate how easy it is for people to be blinded, manipulated, and groomed into believing the unbelievable while denying the reality of sexual abuse.

I admit that I am, as millions of other viewers are, intrigued with Todd Bentley. It is easy to get sucked into his videos because of the entertainment and shock value. But I have a tendency to profile nearly everyone and the more I watched Mr. Bentley, the more I began to see major red flags common to pedophiles–narcissism, the ability to quickly groom a crowd and gain trust, intentionally and unapologetically crossing boundaries (there is a video of Todd kicking a man with stage 4 colon cancer in the gut and the man falls over in pain), offering unwanted rewards, too helpful, too eager to be around children, too aggressive when confronted, too good to be true, etc.

It didn’t take but a few minutes to find that Todd has a dark past and has spent time in prison as a juvenile for sexually assaulting a 7 year old boy. “They were sexual crimes,” Bentley admits. “I was involved in a sexual assault ring. I turned around and did what happened to me. I was assaulted too.” “I don’t like to talk about it publicly because it would hurt [my ministry],” he concedes. “I don’t whip it out in the newspapers or on TV because people will go ‘Whaaa?’ I’ll say ‘I was in prison, period. Let’s move on.’”2 It is subtle and most people miss it, but narcissists begin most statements with “I.” Not only that, but when Todd speaks, the focus is all about Todd. “I” don’t like to talk about it. It would hurt “my” ministry. Sounds like a repentant sinner. . . or does it? Contrast him with King David, a truly remorseful sinner: “For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me. I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin” (Psalm 38:17-18 ESV). Never mind, though, that a 7 year old boy has to live the rest of his days with the shame and guilt that “you” placed on him Mr. Bentley. We wouldn’t want that to get in the way of your ministry.

The fact that Todd admits “I turned around and did what happened to me” would turn the head of every professional psychologist who works with pedophiles, and it should church leaders as well. That fact is vital for public disclosure, since adult pedophiles, who were themselves molested as children more than 50 times, begin assaulting others at a much younger age (Todd Bentley was 14 when he assaulted the 7 year old) and they commit well over 100 more acts of abuse as non-abused molesters (Gene Abel, The Stop Child Molestation Book, pg. 321). Todd admits that he was part of a sexual assault ring, which implies this was not a one time event that happened to him. If Todd was abused more than 50 times, and if he had objective testing by a sex-specific therapist showing that he is sexually attracted to children, he is by clinical definitions a potential lethal weapon to children. But he will never submit to testing, nor will any church demand he be tested. Mr. Bentley, who divorced his wife in 2008 following an inappropriate relationship with his current wife, says that the subject of his past sexual assaults on children is “dead and buried to me.”3

Surely this stance is unacceptable to people who look up to Todd, right? When pastor Denny Cline of Albany, OR, who happens to consider himself a “spiritual son” of Todd Bentley, was asked about Todd’s past abuse with children, he replied, “I don’t think he told me that, but it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered in regards to what he is doing now, and the person that he is now…If he’s paid his debt to society and God’s forgiven him of everything, then who am I not to forgive?” “4

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway? To who? To the multiple young boys I’ve seen in Youtube videos with Bentley wrapping his grubby arms around them on stage as he nonchalantly caresses their shoulders? Should it matter to their parents who either blindly, like pastor Cline and God TV 5, ignore the fact that Bentley has a past of sexual assaults on a young boy, or who don’t know because Bentley insists on hiding it?

We parents and church leaders further exploit children by denying that abuse is going on in the churches. Children are extremely susceptible to suggestion, vulnerable, and malleable. Before blindly shoving our children into the hands of trusted church leaders, we ought to ask very hard questions and demand transparency. I close with a disturbing clip of Chris Harvey, a friend of Todd Bentley who put on quite the show when visiting Bentley at a Florida revival, tapping into the susceptibility of very young children. Shame on us when people like this go unquestioned by others:

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Why I’m Not Celebrating Ariel Castro’s Suicide

Ariel-Castro-sits-in-the-courtroom-during-the-sentencI sifted through a couple hundred comments on news articles of Ariel Castro’s suicide in his prison cell. “Good!” “Scumbag.” “Rot in Hell maggot.” “A cheap funeral for tax payers.” “Coward, he can dish it out for 10 years but can’t take it for 30 days.” Rest assured, the easy thing for the public to do is to celebrate the death of someone who did such evil to innocent children. But it’s apparently very hard to imagine what his family is going through right now. Not one comment mentioned his family nor considered what they are experiencing today.

I’ve heard the comments myself–“Your dad will probably be someone’s girlfriend in prison.” “He’ll get his for what he did,” as if those thoughts bring comfort. Don’t get me wrong, the horror that is waged on innocent kids is devastating. But for Ariel Castro’s family, his suicide is just one more layer to the complex sour onion of grief. And rest assured, the publicity and the negative comments about their father/ex-husband don’t put a smile on their face. Nor do they bring peace and comfort. To the family of a perpetrator, death is just another humiliating reminder that the family is plagued with a cloud of shame and embarrassment, and that the public shamelessly will hurl insults and say things that make us want to find a bigger rock to hide under.

Ariel’s death will likely bring more questions to his family than it does answers. Was his suicide a cop-out? Was he too selfish to endure prison? Did he feel remorse for what he did and snap from the guilt? Did he really love his own children? Who gets to plan the funeral? Will there be a funeral? Who, if any, of the family should go? Who do they get to do the funeral? Where do they lay his body to rest? Should he get a tomb stone? What will it say and who gets the burden of writing the message? Who pays for the funeral? Will the media smear us if we attend his funeral? Should I be glad that he is dead? If I go to the funeral will that drive a wedge between me and my siblings? Should I be sad that he is dead. . . or glad?

These are just a few of the myriad questions that are going through the family’s mind. I am the preacher of my family, so when my dad dies I will likely be the one to take the lead in suggesting whether or not there will be a memorial service. Most of my family has not spoken to dad since his arrest 2 years ago, and I fully respect that. It’s where they are right now in the grief process. The betrayal was deep, manipulative, and disgusting. But one day he will die. Some family members may never have a chance to speak to him before he dies. They will have to process that. If there is a memorial, I will have to find the right words to address the pain that is in our family. There may be a majority of family who do not come.

Today, rather than join the drum beat of the public, I choose to pray for Ariel Castro’s family and feel their grief. They have a lot to process in the days, weeks, and years ahead.

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There’s a Pedophile In My Church: What Now?

This is a question that is not uncommon for me to get. Minister friends of mine desperately ask what they should do when a known pedophile is in their congregation. One friend told me, “We have two known pedophiles in our small church and we have a very real threat of several families leaving as a result. What do we do?” To compound the problem, I ask the question: “What should we do about the unknown pedophiles in our churches?” The real threat is not whether those families will leave the church. No, the real threat is that the church, if no policy to protect children is in place, is at great risk of having children sexually assaulted. The statistics are alarming, no matter which study you look at. People who molest only have about a 3% chance of ever getting caught (Dr. Gene Abel). They are hiding (quite well) and offending in our churches. And there are lots of them. But wouldn’t a victim tell if he was being abused by a trusted church member? Most likely not. A 2005 study (London et al.) which surveyed 10 other studies shows that only 12%-18% of sexual abuse is ever reported to authorities. Of those 12%-18% cases that are reported, most will never be investigated.

At any rate, what of the pedophiles, rare as it may be, who repent of their sins and ask for forgiveness? Isn’t that enough? Doesn’t the Bible simply tell us to forgive and move on? Why dwell on the sins of the past? When leaders are faced with this issue, should the pedophile stay or should he go? Too many well-intentioned church leaders have been conned into believing that pedophilia is as benign as dropping the occasional “f-bomb.” Or they have a significant deficit of knowledge and experience in understanding how serious pedophilia is. They simplistically view it as a “wrong vs. right” issue, as if they were dealing with someone who cut another off in traffic. And when the offender asks for (or sometimes demands) forgiveness, it’s suddenly treated as an issue that’s as simple as asking the offender to not commit that sin anymore. This is most notable with known offending priests who are put into sex rehab then transferred to the next diocese and given more unguarded access to children. It’s strange to me when strong sympathies lie with the offender instead of the victim. I once had a therapist tell me how pedophiles get a bad wrap, and to a large degree this is true but they also have worked very hard to get themselves there. He went on to tell me that they are mistreated by having to register as sex offenders, marking them for life. “Pedophiles,” he lamented to me, “are not welcome in churches either.”

But what about the victims, I thought? In my entire conversation with him, ironically he never mentioned how bad of a wrap victims of abuse have it. He never mentioned that they are marked for life, and that many victims of child sex abuse often become victims of teen and adult rape, prostitution, drug abuse, depression, PTSD, guilt, sexual displeasure or dissociation during sex, shame, failed marriages, or worse. He never mentioned that many victims are plagued with affective flashbacks–where a trigger such as a certain smell, noise, or touch on the shoulder can inadvertently cause them to remember their young bodies being violated as if they were actually experiencing it in that moment. Affective flashbacks can happen at any time–at the dentist’s office (a dentist opening the mouth often triggers affective flashbacks for victims who were repeatedly forced to perform oral sex), in the shower, at church–and most often the survivor doesn’t even know why she is having vivid and grotesque images of her childhood abuse. There is no controlling it. There is no “snapping out of it.” There is no “just getting over it.” It just happens. And it haunts the mind. Victims and survivors of abuse are the forgotten souls. To be sure, since my father’s arrest and subsequent sentence of 30-60 years, I’ve had many concerned people ask me, “How’s your dad doing?” Oddly, I’ve been asked once, “How are your dad’s victims doing?”

Worse, still, are the stories I hear of churches quoting Matthew 5:39 to victims of abuse: “But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also.” The minister goes on: “Young lady, God says that to the measure you forgive you will be forgiven.” One pedophile bragged online of his biological daughter, “She loved it (the stimulation of her genitals) so much that her face turned blood red! She looked like she was about to pop!” His daughter was 2 years old. How, church leaders, do we expect survivors of abuse to sing “God Is So Good” while we tower over them and demand that God will judge them if they don’t “forgive and forget” their abuser?

So what do we do when a known pedophile is in our congregation? It depends. I’m talking here of pedophiles who make it known, or it becomes known by some other source, that they have already been investigated or convicted. Should an accusation come up about a suspected pedophile in the church, always report it to authorities for them to investigate the allegation. It’s the law. Never do an internal investigation. But in dealing with already-convicted pedophiles who find their way to your church, this is a deep theological question that cannot be reduced to a few bullet points. I’m still wrestling with finding proper tension between the abuser and the abused. Each congregation is different, but the one constant that should remain the same is this: Do what is in the best interest of victims and/or adult survivors of sexual abuse in your congregation. If they are able to speak, listen to their voices. Learn from them. Try to understand what they have been through and that many of them may have been severely traumatized. This was not a slap on the cheek. It was abuse. Gross abuse of the worst kind. And it probably didn’t happen just once. Victims in our congregations need to hear from the pulpit that we preachers don’t stand for abuse and that they are safe in our congregations.

Second, have a clear safety policy in place. Should the known pedophile stay, absolute conditions need to be placed upon him unapologetically. Pedophilia does not go away simply because one has publicly repented. There is no cure for it. Pedophilia can be controlled. It can never be cured. There need to be crystal clear boundaries. The pedophile should never have any access to any children whatsoever–this includes outside church activities as well. And this is for the remainder of his life. One friend told me that at their church they have designated men who escort a known pedophile anywhere he goes in the church building. He is not allowed to sit in a pew with children or have any physical contact with children. This is a good policy, and one that first takes the protection of children into consideration. Other people may judge this as overkill, but other people have not had their children brutally violated either. Churches are very high risk places for sexual abuse because most people are trusting and would never dream of someone abusing a child in broad daylight, especially at church.

Third, assemble a group or committee to research abuse. Know the signs to look for in an abuser. Know the signs to look for in a victim. Education is a great beginning because we cannot be vigilant if we don’t know what we are watching for. I’ve read about 30 books and countless articles on the subject so far and have listed some of the most helpful books in my resources page. This would be a great starting place.

Finally, never mistake forgiveness with trust. Forgiveness should never be demanded of victims of abuse. They have been to hell and back and it may take years and years until they are ready to begin forgiving. If others in the church can forgive an offender, they should never equate forgiveness with trust. They are two different things altogether. And the one who can forgive (especially a non-victim) should never expect a victim to forgive just because he was able to. To do so will only lead to revictimization.

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How You Dress Your Child Matters. . .to Pedophiles

It’s still striking to me how many of my friends (un)knowingly post shirtless photos of their very young children on Facebook, making their children the object of gazing eyes of trolling pedophiles. Really, pictures of your young child bathing, swimming, or running around the house nude is not appropriate to display to hundreds of people. And for those who think that I’m exceedingly paranoid, just cruise Youtube for 30 seconds and you’ll find that there are countless channels dedicated entirely to snapshots and videos of (even very) young girls and boys which were stolen from Facebook accounts. Names of videos like these dominate Youtube:
Young hotties
Very young hotties dancing
Young cutie teen shaking her butt on cam
Collection of hot young pinay girls
Young hottie dancing (about 8 or 9 years old)
Young girl dancing with hot style
Facebook hot girls
Jailbait
Hot sexy girls self shots

What’s even more disturbing is how young girls have been endorsed by their parents to display themselves in public. With shrink-wrapped shorts and shirts which grossly display butt cheeks and cleavage, voyeurs don’t have to take to social media sites to have their imaginations stimulated. In fact, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and the like are all just bonuses to real life encounters. Unlimited, free still and video images are up for grabs and here’s the kicker. . . unless they are explicit images of underage children, it’s all legal. As one whose father is a convicted pedophile who is in prison for the rest of his life, I told him that I now educate people on how to protect their children from molesters like him. As a result, he has given me invaluable insight into (1)just how easy it is for molesters to offend, especially in Christian places where people are typically way too trusting of everybody and (2)how to protect children from abusers. His answers are not atypical from other molesters so instead of quoting him directly, I will paint commonalities among a sample of many offenders which I’ve gathered from books, training workshops, training videos, and further research about and conversations with pedophiles. Hopefully people will take heed and begin to take steps to protect their children.

Point #1–Porn steers people toward pedophilia, normalizes it, and accelerates the need to view harsher, cruder, and younger images. What’s frightening is how normalized, mainstream, and available porn has become. What’s more frightening is just how many are viewing it. Pornography drives the imagination and the imagination dumps fuel onto human desire, confusing the desire for more stimuli with the need for more. Porn also blurs the line between fantasy and reality. Philip Jenkins, author of Beyond Tolerance: Child Pornography on the Internet notes that pornographers quickly learned that by falsely offering child pornography sites, they have captured a huge audience with which they are gaining massive profits. Though the females are 18 or older, Jenkins rightly notes that “countless ‘adult’ images portray grown women as schoolgirls or with shaved pubic hair. While the patrons of adult magazines or Web sites would be appalled to be told they had anything in common with the loathed pedophiles, some of the psychological stimuli are related. . . those interested in child pornography might not be so far removed from the ‘normal’ population. The gulf with normality is all the narrower when the materials in question involve young teenagers” (p. 30).

Viewing pornographic images, including child pornographic images, in public schools is nothing new and is actually quite common. A friend of mine works IT at a public school and, though there is a substantial firewall in place, pornographic images are accessed very often by staff and students. Donald Cherry, a 27 year old history teacher in Tulsa, had three students aged 14-16 catch him looking at pornography. When the students asked to see the images again, Cherry allowed them to view the porn. He was eventually caught and the investigation revealed 8 pictures of child porn on his computer. At his sentencing, Cherry said, “I’m very big into escapism and leaving reality behind” (Pamela Paul, Pornified, p. 177). The reality, Mr. Cherry, is that those graphic images of children in compromised poses were really taken by some pervert who exploited the innocence of those children for your “escapism.”

It is no secret that porn is constantly pushing the limits on what is “normal.” Children who enter the porn industry at 18 are being made to look younger and younger and are forced to do more and more. Hardcore lewd sex acts such as anal penetration, double penetration, gangbangs, ATMs (ass to mouth), transgender sex, sadism, homosexuality, and bestiality are leaving less and less to the imagination for casual viewers. It’s no wonder tens of thousands of men are suffering from erectile disorders in real life and are forcing their sexual partners to perform the same lewd acts they see on their monitors, including making them shave pubic hair and dress up as schoolgirls (Ibid, 211-238). But don’t take my word for it. In the words of a pedophile, “If you want to cut the snake off at the head, address the pornography issue.” And so I do.

Point #2–Fantasy, especially masturbatory fantasy, sustains molesters’ momentum. I will address the dress code for your children in the next point, but it cannot be emphasized enough that constant fantasy motivates and drives the molester. A couple months ago I was in Michigan visiting my in-laws. Our 3 year old daughter loves to ride carousels, so we have a tradition of going to the mall and letting her ride with Grandma and Grandpa. I watch people. An older man looked out of place and could not take his eyes off the carousel. Every time a certain young child went around (thankfully it was not my daughter or I may be in jail), he became fixated on her. When she got off, the next group came on. Same thing. I quickly learned that he preferred girls about 8 years old with long dark hair, tight shorts, and dark complexion. Every time. We left the mall and came back a couple hours later. My daughter wanted to ride the carousel one more time. This same creep was in the same spot watching and fantasizing about his next victim. I reported him to the operator and she said, “I didn’t notice until you told me, but that same guy was here for several hours last night.” She called security on him. What we may view as innocent, the pedophile manipulates, fantasizes about, and masturbates to the images he has stored in his mind. Be aware of who is gazing upon your children at all times.

Though this video is dated, it shows that imagination plays a huge role in pedophiles. Here, they act out their fantasies with children in a virtual playground:

Point #3–How you dress your child matters. . . to the pedophile. Most of us don’t give a 2nd thought to how we dress our very young children. We’re just glad to get them out the door without any major meltdowns! But molesters will tell you that how you dress your child plays a significant role in whether or not they will begin targeting your child for the grooming process. According to pedophiles, the following is what most likely will grab their attention (this includes children as young as infants). Cute sundresses, especially if underwear is exposed when they are playing. Tight clothing, including shirts and shorts. Anything that is revealing whatsoever. Done up hair, like cute braids or pig tails. This doesn’t mean you can never braid your kids’ hair. Just beware that by doing so your child is becoming more appealing to child molesters.

What will deter a molester? Loose fitted clothing. Plain hair. Jeans. If wearing a dress, let it be at least knee length and don’t allow underwear to be exposed. I would add NEVER post nude pictures of your young child on social websites and NEVER allow your child to post revealing pictures on their social pages. This includes “sexy” pictures in front of a mirror, swimsuit poses, etc. Though it’s not common, people have used geotags in photos to show up at strangers’ houses. But the point is that thousands of Facebook and Twitter images are being trolled for every day by pedophiles. They steal, copy, and distribute pictures of your child without your ever knowing it. Be wise. Set your photos on Facebook to a private setting so that only friends can see your pictures. And don’t friend a bunch of random people you don’t personally know. To do so is to invite disaster.

Point #4–It is embarrassingly easy for molesters to groom and offend children. It does not have to be done in the quiet of the night, either. Quite often, children are abused in front of their parents and the parents have no idea. Watch the way other people touch your children. A good rule of thumb I have is, keep your gropy hands off my kid. I’ve read account after account of molesters who slip a hand inside a shirt or rub up against genitalia purposely in front of the child’s parents as a test (they are testing groomability of the child). The parents surprisingly don’t notice because they’re not looking for it. I do. I recently was visiting a church and was holding my daughter. An old man came up and as I was holding my daughter he kept poking his finger into her stomach. She obviously didn’t like it but he persisted. I almost lost it. I kept my composure but turned my back on him and made a rude comment that he heard. I don’t care. She is my daughter and I have a right obligation to protect her the best I know how. So do you.

**Editor’s Note** After I first published this blog, a good friend of mine who is also a therapist made some very valid points and I would like to clarify. I am not saying that, if you dress your child a certain way, he or she will become a victim of abuse. There are many types of offenders, from sadists (who are the minority), to grabbers (also a minority), to groomers (the majority), opportunists, etc. They carefully select the most vulnerable child and will molest them no matter what they are wearing. But I did want to make the point that masturbatory fantasy is extremely important in pedophiles to the point of obsession. We must be careful not to make our children more vulnerable by being careless about posting pictures of them with little or no clothing.

The number one thing that pedophiles are looking for is access. Can I groom the parent to allow me time alone (i.e. babysitting, “fun day,” field trip, bathing them, etc.) with their child? Some pedophiles are persistent. Others will quickly back away if access is denied.