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Why I talk about abusers “testing” instead of grooming

deception

Groom (verb)-to get into readiness for a specific objective: Prepare

Test (verb)-to make a preliminary test or survey (as of reaction or interest) before embarking on a course of action

Prior to learning in 2011 that my dad was a very sophisticated child sexual predator, I had no reason to believe he was abusing children. Not only was he abusing many young children, he was doing it in our own home. It was my youngest sister who disclosed to me that she had been sexually abused by our dad for years. An entire family and community was clueless. We had no idea. And we are right in step with the rest of society. Dr. Gene Abel estimates that a child molester has less than a 3% chance of ever getting caught every time they create a hands-on victim. In my father’s case, he operated at a 100% success rate with every victim. In other words, he successfully abused all of his many victims without anyone ever suspecting that he was abusing children.

The one thing that kept coming up in every book I read was the concept of “grooming behavior.” It has become the universal language to describe what abusers do to both their victims and the community at large in order to sexually, physically, or emotionally abuse their victims. Darkness To Light describes grooming this way:

Grooming is a process by which offenders gradually draw victims into a sexual relationship and maintain that relationship in secrecy. At the same time, offenders may also fill roles within the victims’ families that make them trusted and valued family friends.

Darkness To Light continues:

The key is to recognize red flag behaviors and to minimize opportunity for abuse.

Here are some red flag behaviors to watch for:

  1. Targeting specific kids for special attention, activities, or gifts. Some offenders show preference for a particular gender, age, or “type.”
  2. Slowly isolating a kid from family members and friends: physically and emotionally. This could include finding reasons for isolated, one-on-one interactions (sleepovers, camping trips, day activities, etc.), or undermining relationships with parents and friends to show that “no one understands you like I do.”
  3. Gradually crossing physical boundaries. Full frontal hugs that last too long, making kids sit in their laps, “accidental” touches of private areas – all of these are causes for concern. In some cases, offenders have engaged in partially clothed tickle sessions, showered with kids, or slept in the same bed with them.
  4. Encouraging a kid to keep secrets from family members. The shame and fear associated with child sexual abuse make it easy for offenders to enforce secrecy in this area as well, keeping abuse “just between us.”

As the son of a pedophile who was learning and growing and questioning everything about my childhood, this notion of “grooming” victims into being abused just didn’t seem adequate to describe what happened between my dad and his victims. It’s close, but I think the terminology is too broad and descriptions of grooming are way too static. We can’t reduce what abusers do to a quick checklist of red flag behaviors.

Pedophiles are experts at deception. They are artists and therefore are incredibly creative in how they implement their strategies. They are adaptable and nimble. What they do is dynamic, always changing. Abusers are the definition of becoming all things to all people. They do heinous acts, and thousands of them to dozens or even hundreds of kids, without having anyone suspect it. In the rare case that someone does suspect it or a victim discloses, the abuser can easily explain the actions away. I know. I lived with one such abuser. They have already thought of and rehearsed every possible scenario. They think on their feet much better than most of us do. Much of the abuse pedophiles do is intentionally done right in front of us. In fact, the ultimate trophy is to be able to abuse their victims in plain sight of adults without their noticing it. Sure, they abuse in isolation. But they also abuse many of their victims within inches of our eyes. And we don’t notice!

Let me first walk through the four “red flags of grooming” mentioned by Darkness To Light above. If the key really is to recognize the red flags so we can minimize opportunity for abuse, the absolute most important question I can possibly ask is, Does it actually work?

First, targeting specific kids for special attention, activities, or gifts; showing preference to a specific gender, age or type–I have fond memories as a kid going on beach trips with just my dad and my brothers. We have a large family (11 kids) and I am the 5th boy in a row. My parents would split up vacations and the two of them would take the girls then just my dad would take only us boys on a separate vacation. None of us boys were abused.

Presents-I still remember one day my older brother Tim and I waking up to two brand new three wheelers parked outside in our driveway. One was for Tim and one was for me, bought by my dad. There was no special occasion. He was an impulse buyer and showered all kinds of people with all kinds of gifts. He was generous with his time and money. Even looking back now, I don’t think he used presents to “groom” victims into being abused. Furthermore, the segregation of kids based on gender, age, and type is too generic. This “red flag” describes my wife. It describes me. It describes just about everyone I know. This makes the needle-in-the-haystack-phenomenon even worse when we tell people that “abusers can be anyone.” Do you see why this language isn’t specific enough? I can’t overstate the fact that abusers are dynamic in the application of their techniques. What works for one victim may not work for the next. An abuser will adapt to find the proper techniques to match the specific vulnerabilities in each victim and their families. And they do this by testing.

Second, slowly isolating kids from family and friends: physically and emotionally; finding reasons for isolated, one-on-one interactions (sleepovers, camping trips, day activities)–Once again, this is too broad. Dad took us boys on camp outs often. He never abused us. He also took girls on camp outs. He did abuse some of them. I have camped out many times with just my kids and have never abused them. My wife doesn’t like camping so she happily stays behind, which could have the appearance of “isolating” my kids. There was one key difference that I can see between instances when my dad isolated kids: he acted too excited to take certain kids on trips or sleepovers. But even this is very subjective because there were plenty of times that he was excited to take us boys on camping trips. Some of my best memories are of overnight trips my dad and I took together–camping, sail boating, going to the beach, and on I could go.

Third, gradually crossing physical boundaries; hugs that last too long, sitting kids in laps, “accidental” touches of private areas–I can’t name a parent who hasn’t exhibited the above behaviors, with the exception of “accidental” touches to private areas. But still, these are considered grooming behaviors to manipulate a child into a sexual encounter. Larry Nassar is one case where we know for certain that his physical contact with victims was sexual. And he did much of it–with over 100 victims that we know of–just inches away from the parents. Kristen Chatman was one such mother who was in the room as her daughter was being sexually assaulted by Nassar. Here is her account:

She was fully covered – even wearing running shorts. I, unlike others, don’t remember him ‘blocking’ my view, but since she was covered, I was unaware of what he was doing under the sheet. After he was done, he washed his hands and I remember thinking “Did he just do what I think he did? Where are his gloves?” I immediately dismissed the thoughts as there must have been some good reason. This was Larry after all. No need to question him. I trusted him. We all trusted him.


Deb McCaul was another attentive parent who not only was in the same room as Nassar while he abused her daughter Morgan, but actually walked up to be near her daughter to comfort her during the “procedure”:

“I wasn’t somebody with, like, my nose in the phone,” McCaul says. “I was having conversations with them. And whenever Larry was doing something in that [pelvic] area, I would go up and stand by the table, because I wanted her to feel more comfortable.”

Nassar was not deterred by his victim’s mother walking up and standing right next to him! Did he groom Morgan and Deb or did he test them first to find out which deception techniques he’d use to pull this off? Sexual predators are artists of deception. They constantly test their victims and their families to see which techniques will work best. Nassar did not gradually cross physical boundaries with his victims. He knew what he wanted to do to his victims so he tested them and their parents to know how he could pull it off, then he just did it. Abusers are dynamic. When Nassar saw Deb McCaul walk up next to him, he didn’t “groom” her into believing he was trustworthy. Nassar already had her trust because he had authority as a doctor and respect as a friend. All Nassar had to do was simply test Deb to see how he could hold her spotlight of attention. Once he initiated conversation, he sexually assaulted Deb’s daughter as he was casually talking with Deb. This is the dynamic nature I talk about. Abusers test. They adapt. And they do it proficiently on the go. They never skip a beat. They can’t. Otherwise they will get caught.

Finally, encouraging kids to keep secrets from family members–Again, this is not something my dad did. Both he and his victims tell me that he never told them to keep the abuse a secret. He didn’t need to. That’s not to say that some abusers don’t because we know that many do tell their victims to keep it a secret. But should this be considered a “grooming” technique? Grooming, by definition, is preparation. Grooming gets ready or prepares someone for a specific objective. An abuser who tells the victim to keep the abuse a secret is not preparing them for abuse; he has already has obtained his objective. He is not grooming the victim into being abused; he is merely warning the victim not to disclose the abuse that has already happened.

I think it’s important that we shift our language to be more precise. The above four “grooming behaviors” miss the most important issue at hand–they don’t tell us how abusers abuse their victims. I don’t want to focus on static behaviors, I want to focus on dynamic techniques abusers use to deceive us. I confess that we are grossly inadequate at identifying abusers “out there” in the real world. Even those of us who live and breathe abuse have many vulnerabilities that abusers will see and exploit. Because they are so adaptable, they are really good at deceiving others. Yet the common phrases that are thrown around to help us “identify” abusers are:

  • Abusers can be anyone
  • It’s all about control
  • They are master manipulators
  • They groom both their victims and communities
  • They’re incredibly good at controlling narratives
  • Watch out for people who are too good to be true

The problem (and it’s a major problem!) with this is that it tells us nothing about their techniques. It tells us nothing about how they do what they do. Though some of the grooming lingo is helpful, if falls way, way short of being specific enough to pick someone out of a crowd. If we want to understand how deception works, we need to study deception. I wanted to know, step by step, how abusers test us, deceive us, and what it is that they are doing along the way. How do they adapt and blend in with the grace and natural blending of a chameleon? What I found is that they are not merely “grooming” us and their victims. Rather, the bigger part of what they are doing is testing us. They test us to know exactly what each of our vulnerabilities are and they instantly exploit those vulnerabilities.

The difference between grooming and testing may seem like a trivial difference, but I assure you it’s the most important distinction. If someone is skilled at testing their subjects and they know what works for different people, they will learn deception techniques and adjust them from person to person. They not only know who to exploit, but they know how to exploit each person and what technique works best to pull it off. This describes abusers much better. When people say that, for abusers, “it’s all about control,” my response is, “No, it’s all about technique.” You can tell me that someone is controlling but what does that actually tell me about how he maintained control?

My theory led me to the brilliant work of neuroscientists and deception experts Dr. Stephen Macknick and Dr. Susana Martinez-Conde. I ran my theories by them and we ended up collaborating and putting on a training together in my hometown last year. The videos below show how and why our human brains are constantly making up information and how abusers hack and exploit our brains.

Drs. Macknik and Martinez-Conde collaborated with magicians to understand how the human brain is so easily fooled. What is it about us that makes us so susceptible to abuse? Magicians and abusers alike know how to exploit our vulnerabilities. Magicians make a living fooling people and abusers spend a lifetime abusing children by fooling adults. Magicians don’t need to groom us into being deceived any more than abusers need to. Because it’s not so much about grooming. It’s more about testing and adapting. Magicians are experts at deception. And so are abusers. For both, it’s about testing people, reading them, feeling them out, and knowing which techniques work best for each individual. Once a deceiver knows how this all works, they don’t need to slowly groom someone along. They simply test each of us, then use whatever techniques are best suited for us. Below is one example of how Apollo Robbins exploits this woman’s confidence. And watch how quickly he does it:

I am not knocking our current training here. What I am saying is that I’m hopeful for where our research is headed. There is so much to explore and learn when it comes to deception and the testing techniques abusers use. If we want to keep pace with abusers, we need to understand deception as good as they do. And that’s not going to happen if we keep assuming that abusers simply groom people into being abused. No–there’s so much more to what they do and I hope to link arms with more people who have the same desire to understand deception techniques.

Photo by Gareth Newstead on Unsplash

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Submitting to church leaders isn’t as biblical as you think

submit to leaders

“Be persuaded by those who go before you, and yield, for they watch over your souls, as ones about to give an account; that they may do it with joy, and not groaning, for this is not beneficial for you” (Hebrews 13:17, my translation).

“. . . not leaving helpless those of us assembling together, as is the custom with some, but consoling one another, and so much more as you see the day drawing near” (Hebrews 10:25, my translation).

I remember sitting in disbelief as the elders stood up front to address the church I was attending with a “serious matter.” I was in seminary and had been at this rural Arkansas church for at least a year. They were my family. As the elders stood up, they were stoic and firm. “A few days ago, brother Mark (not his real name), as he was leading worship, decided to change the words to Jesus Loves ‘Us’ instead of Jesus Loves ‘Me.’ He did so without permission from us elders and a sister in Christ was offended. We’ve asked Mark to repent and he is going to share his public confession now.”

I watched in horror as one of the kindest people I’d ever met stood humiliated and weeping before 200 some people and a group of arrogant elders asking for forgiveness for not submitting to the eldership. In my mind I wanted to stand up and shout out, “Who do you fake elders think you are?” Someone needed permission by the elders to change one word in a song? Is this really the kind of shepherd Jesus said he was in John 10 when he said, “the Good Shepherd lays his life down for his sheep”? Were these fools standing before us the kind of shepherds Jesus called to keep watch over his flock? Something didn’t sit right with me and a few months later, when these same elders rejected my request to teach a class there as a required practicum to complete my Master’s degree, I parted ways forever. They told me that they didn’t have time to proof read and approve all of my lessons. This congregation had all the indicators of a cult, not a church. So I left. More power to them (pun intended).

I grieve for the countless survivors I’ve spoken with who attempted to talk to church leaders about abuse and were told to remain silent or else. If they continued to cry out in pain, they were disciplined for “not submitting to the leadership.” If these survivors or concerned members left the church, they were forever shunned for “forsaking the assembly.” The two passages above, Hebrews 13:17 and Hebrews 10:25 have been misinterpreted and weaponized to put power exactly where it doesn’t belong–with the leadership.

We have an epidemic of abusive leaders. There is no question about that. Everyone in advocacy knows this well. We feel it. We hear it. We see it. And survivors tell us that the way the leadership responds is far worse than any sexual or physical abuse they’ve endured. It’s not just survivors of abuse. So many of my friends in ministry are fired by elders for “not submitting” and are forced to tell the church that they “resigned.” Preachers are often coerced and blackmailed into signing nondisclosure agreements. These “resignations” make it appear as if it was the preacher’s decision to leave and not that the elders actually fired them. This always leaves the church confused, the minister’s family wounded, and increases the elders’ sense of power and control. If anyone has been following the Harvest Bible Chapel disaster, you’ll know that pastor John Secrest was just fired for voicing concerns about the way the leadership shut him out of making decisions. Immediately after John sent his letter to the congregation, he was fired and the elders released this statement:

Because of his continued unwillingness to yield to the direction of the elders and the insubordinate email he recently sent counter to the elder direction, it became clear that he should not continue in his role.

Our hearts are grieved as John’s contributions to the Naples Campus cannot be understated. We wish him, Jessica, and his family well.

Harvest Naples will continue as a campus of Harvest Bible Chapel in Chicago with Pastor Rick Donald serving as interim Campus Pastor and Associate Travis Doucette as Pastor of Worship and Leadership Development. Pastor James MacDonald will not be preaching this weekend. Services will continue this Sunday at 9:00 and 11:00 am.

We recognize that situations like these often yield more questions than can be answered in one email. The local elders of Harvest Naples, Scott Stonebreakerand Fred Ananias, are available to field any additional questions.

We ask for your prayers as our church grieves this loss.

We are believing for good things as we lean into God and His Word.

Standing together,
The Harvest Naples Leadership Team and Elders

This is what I witness all the time. Be subordinate to us or else. Church members, pastors and their families, and abuse survivors are dispensable. If they question the leadership, ask to meet with leaders, or express concern about how decisions are made, they are thrown out like dirty water.

So my question is, “What does the Bible really teach about authority and how do we respond?” Jesus, after overhearing the 12 apostles arguing about which of them was the greatest, said, “If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all” (Mark 9:35 ESV). This wasn’t hyperbole for Jesus. He lived it and he meant it. In the context of abuse, we often talk about the “power differential” between pastors (or other leaders) and lay members. To be honest, this bothers me a little bit (OK, a lot!). Have we given power to us church leaders that was never meant to be? I don’t want my church members to feel subordinate or inferior because of my position. Why should they? There shouldn’t be a power differential. People will find me in my office the same way they’ll find me in my home–wearing sandals, a T-shirt, and shorts or jeans. Besides the fact that I hate dressing up, I don’t want the feeling that my position means that I’m better than or superior to anyone else. I’m not. And nobody should ever feel like they can’t freely talk to me or about me, whether in Wal-Mart or in my office. I don’t have authority as a preacher. The authority isn’t mine. I’m a servant who preaches. Period.

With that said, of course people need leadership but leadership comes from stepping out in front of the people you serve. Leadership is about providing servant-direction for the people whose souls you care about. My elders, deacons, and congregation are my peers. We are not bosses of each other. We all simply have different roles, but we are equals. All of us. I can be removed from preaching if I have committed a serious sin or crime, but my elders do not hold sole authority to fire me on a whim. They simply do not have that authority or power. Neither do I. Nor should we.

Power. Leaders aren’t meant to have power or authority over people. Jesus said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me” (Matthew 28:18). Peter agrees: “To him be the power forever and ever. Amen” (1 Peter 5:11 NIV). Power. Authority. What does the Bible consistently say? This is important! Jesus said, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all” (Mark 10:42-44 ESV).

Our model of church leadership is poisoned. When people feel intimidated by leaders, when they are told to submit, when leaders hold all the decision making power, and when people feel that a golden scepter must be extended by a leader before they can speak freely–we no longer have a biblical model of leadership. Instead, we have an abusive model.

What about elders? Peter appeals to elders as a fellow elder. Peter said, “Shepherd the flock that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. . . Likewise, you who are younger, be subjected to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble'” (1 Peter 5:2-3, 5 ESV). As sure as I’m typing this, many leaders will ignore the context of this passage and focus on younger people being “subjected” to the elders. The word used here is hupotasso, which means to place yourself under. This verse is meant for younger people, not the elders. It’s akin to saying, “Young people, be respectful to the older people who watch over you.” This is not about subjection to people in authority. Quite the contrary, for the next sentence says, “Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another.”

So what about the infamous passage to submit to your leaders (Hebrews 13:17)? I am not a Greek scholar, but after taking it for a couple years I learned that much gets lost in translation. The word “submit” is an unfortunate translation. My literal translation of this passage is this: “Be persuaded by those who go before you, and yield, for they watch over your souls, as ones about to give an account; that they may do it with joy, and not groaning, for this is not beneficial for you.“ This has an entirely different meaning than how you’ve likely heard it used. The ESV translates it this way: “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls.” The word for “obey” literally means to be persuaded by. It is the same exact word King Agrippa used in Acts 26:28 when he said to Paul, “In a short time would you persuade me to be a Christian?” Certainly the King didn’t mean, “In a short time would you ask me to obey you and become a Christian?” The word peitho means to be persuaded by or to follow.

The word “leaders” has often been (mis)used to mean the elders, higher-ups, or those “in charge.” Again, that is not what this word means. It simply means those who go before you. And the word “submit” is probably the worst translation of all. It literally means “to yield to.” I used to drive truck. Semi-trucks are dubbed “king of the highway” for good reason. At 80,000 lbs, a car that weighs 3,000 lbs is no match for semis. When I yielded onto the interstate, I did not use my weight, power, or position as truck driver to force my way onto the highway. Nor did cars bully their way onto highways. Everyone, big and small, is expected to yield to oncoming traffic. I did not bully my way onto freeways because I was bigger than everyone else. I did not tell cars to “submit to my authority” or else. Rather, I yielded (watched out for) to traffic then drove along with them! It was for others’ safety that I yielded to them. This is the sense of the word. It is a willful, careful, caring merging of lives for the sake of souls. Listen to the rest of the verse again: “for they watch over your souls, as ones about to give an account; that they may do it with joy, and not groaning, for this is not beneficial for you.” 

Finally, people who leave the church because they’ve been wounded are not the ones forsaking the assembly. And forsaking the assembly does NOT mean not showing up to church. The “forsaking” is an abandonment of people in need. When Jesus was on the cross, he used this same word. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken (abandoned) me?” Jesus was in need. In distress. Another sense of the word means to leave people in their distress. Forsaking the assembly is not about not going to church on Sunday mornings. It’s about abandoning, deserting, or leaving behind those in need. My opinion is that, ironically, Hebrews 10:25 is addressing leaders who were abandoning those of the assembly who were living in desperation. Again, here is my translation: “. . . not leaving helpless those of us assembling together, as is the custom with some, but consoling one another, and so much more as you see the day drawing near”

This is a call to not abandon those in need who assemble together. It is a clarion call to console one another. To provide care and comfort to those who are oppressed, poor, and in need. Context is important, and the consistent message throughout the Bible is that God’s foundation is righteousness and justice (Psalm 89:14), that Jesus came to preach good news to the poor, proclaim liberty to the captives, recovering sight to the blind, and set at liberty those who are oppressed (Luke 4:18-19), and that leaders (those who go before) are the ones to especially serve and keep watch over the souls of those aforementioned.

So the next time a leader tells you to submit to their authority, or shames you for “forsaking the assembly,” just remind them that all the authority has been given to Jesus and that they are indeed the ones deserting the assembly by not caring for the wounded.

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Our “Jesus accepts all” theology empowers abusers, big time

hippie Jesus

John 3:16. According to the popular Bible app YouVersion, that timeless verse ranked #2 for the most searched verse in 2018. And according to Christian Post, of the top ten trending Bible searches on Google in early 2018, John 3:16 ranked #3, Forgiveness at #8, and Love #10. It only takes a quick glance at my inbox to realize that survivors of abuse know all too well that church leaders have fully embraced a theology of love and forgiveness–at any cost. And these leaders demand forgiveness for abusers, including themselves. This poor theology has eroded God’s foundation of justice and righteousness (Psalm 89:14) and replaced it with a laid back Jesus who is carefree and embraces all equally (unless you are a victim of oppression, of course).

I’ve not taken the time to count the number of e-mails and private messages I received over the past few years from survivors who were rebuked by church leaders, but my best guess is that I have gotten at least a couple hundred. So what are they rebuked or thrown out of the church for? The answer is that they’re not forgiving or loving enough of their abusers–that Jesus was a free spirited, kind model of turning the other cheek no matter what. The irony is not lost on me that the church leaders who rally around real abusive criminals–men and women who habitually strike, humiliate, rape, or verbally assault their victims–are the same leaders who bar the victims of these crimes from coming to church for speaking up about their abuse.

I’ve written before that the number one question I get asked by church leaders who know of an abusive person in their congregation is, “How do we surround this ‘brother’ and encourage him to continue to be a part of the church body?”. Bad theology leads to bad practices. I’ve been saying this for years.

Last January, Rachael Denhollander was interviewed for Christianity Today by Morgan Lee for a piece titled, “My Larry Nassar Testimony Went Viral. But There’s More to the Gospel Than Forgiveness.” The article was a response to the religious community’s gushing over Rachael’s one liner about forgiveness. They chose to focus on the forgiveness aspect even though, in her 37 minute testimony, she mostly spoke about God’s justice and the need to repent. In the interview, Rachael rightly said that “the church is one of the worst places to go for help.” Rachael also rightly pinpoints the problem of bad theology leading to bad practices:

One of the dynamics that you see in a Christian church that is particularly devastating is poor theology. The reason that most institutional cover-ups happen in the church is not simple institutional protectionism. When you’re dealing with something like MSU or USA Gymnastics, they’ve got medals and money and their institutional reputation on the line.


You have that dynamic with evangelical churches where you have the reputation on the line and the perceived reputation of the gospel of Christ. But often, if not always, people are motivated by poor theology and a poor understanding of grace and repentance and that causes them to handle sexual assault in a way where that a lot of predators go unchecked, often for decades. When you see a theological commitment to handling sexual assault inappropriately, you have the least hope of ever changing it.

So was Jesus really all warm and fuzzy towards all people or did justice demand a more protective approach for the abused? John the Baptist, who prepared the way for Jesus Christ, could have introduced him a billion different ways. John could have spoken about love, peace, acceptance. . . anything! Instead, listen to John’s introduction of the Messiah. When he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance” (Matthew 3:7-8 ESV). He continues: “Even now the axe is laid to the root of the trees. Every tree therefore that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. . . he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand, and he will clear his threshing floor and gather his wheat into the barn, but the chaff he will burn with unquenchable fire” (vs. 10-12).

Now that’s an introduction to Jesus! When is the last time any of you heard Jesus introduced this way to anyone ever? John’s message was inseparably rooted in God’s foundation of righteousness and justice. John’s message was good news to the oppressed and offensive news to the religious leaders who were oppressing their victims. Yet today we have invented a false Jesus who welcomes the abusers and shuns the abused.

Lest you feel that I’ve left the reservation, let’s listen to Jesus himself. He constantly and consistently warned people of the religious frauds. “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. . . A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:15, 17-20 ESV). Notice that false prophets are just that-people who are prophesying but who are frauds. Jesus doesn’t tell his followers to give them a second chance, to give them food or water, to clothe them, or to turn the other cheek. For the class of fraudulent, abusive leaders Jesus says to beware. Warn others. Nowhere is there a hint of extending grace and forgiveness (and certainly not fellowship or a platform to keep preaching!) to these abusive wolves. Why? Because they are ravenous. They are bad trees who produce bad fruit. They don’t change because they don’t want to change.

To be clear, Jesus isn’t talking about sinful people who have fallen into a trap. He’s talking about false prophets who willfully, intentionally, and habitually deceive others in order to abuse them for their own selfish gain. These are religious leaders who know better. They are people who have been tasked with guarding the flock but instead are preying on them.

Again, the irony is that the soft Jesus we’ve created has produced a sea of oppressed people who have either fled unsafe churches or they’ve been banned from them. At the same time, abusive leaders have grown in power and influence with the full protection and blessing of their fellow leaders. The reason I write and speak about this so much is not to prove I’m right and others are wrong. The real reason is to plead with my fellow church leaders to have an ounce of humility and to revisit the scriptures with a heightened awareness that their bad theology is ruining the very lives of the people Jesus came to rescue.

We need to do better. I will shout this from the rooftops. We need to teach better. We need to study better. We need to pray better. And, most importantly, we need to pray for the wisdom to discern who the ravenous wolves are and take action to remove them while protecting those who are like sheep without a shepherd.

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Thoughts about Hillsong and Brian Houston from a minister who did report his own father

Hillsong

Hillsong Church, known across the globe for its worship music, has been in the spotlight recently. To be honest, I never knew much about Hillsong until 60 Minutes Australia did a special on Frank Houston’s victim, Brett Sengstock, on November 18th. What really caught my interest was that, like me, Brian Houston learned of allegations of abuse against his own father, a pastor who was preaching at the time Brian Houston heard the allegations. I reported my father, a former preacher, to the police. Brian Houston did not report his. I wanted to learn more about this story that keeps making waves across the world because the world is watching those of us in church leadership. How we respond to allegations of abuse matters. It especially matters to victims and their families. 

I watched the 60 Minutes story on Brian Houston’s response and also read “Hillsong’s legal response to misleading statements by 60 Minutes.” I found it interesting that Hillsong wasted no time in releasing a statement defending the institution and its founder by correcting statements made in the 60 Minutes episode that aired three days prior. To Brian Houston’s credit, he has spoken in public interviews in the past regarding his father and his story has not changed much. Brian did not, for whatever reason, interview with 60 Minutes and I think he missed an important opportunity to express his sorrow for his father’s victims and to take ownership of his mishandling of his father’s abuse allegations. 

It is troubling to me that the church attorneys are so defensive of Brian’s response to the allegations when the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse paints a less flattering picture of how those events unfolded.

I’ve read the entire Royal Commission’s report for the 2014 Case Study No. 18 and there are several things worth pointing out. 

  • Brian Houston did not report the matter to police in 1999 when he was informed that his father had produced a victim in the late 60s/early 70s
  • Neither did Pastor Taylor, who first was made aware of the abuse in 1998 by the victim’s mother. Though, to Barbara Taylor’s credit, she worked incredibly hard to get other leaders to respond to the allegations. Nor did evangelist Mudford report, or Pastor McMartin, who was at the time a member of the New South Whales State Executive, or Pastor Alcorn, a member of the National Executive who was called by Pastor McMartin for advice on the matter, or George Aghajanian, the Business Manager of Hills Christian Life Centre who personally told Brian about the allegations against his father.
  • In fact, on December 22nd of 1999, Brian Houston called a Special Executive Meeting of the Assemblies of God in Australia where 8 were present, including the National Secretary of the Assemblies of God in Australia. None of those present made a report to police. Furthermore, the minutes from that meeting state: “the Assemblies of God in Australia movement would not be notified of the disciplinary action” (against Frank Houston)
  • In 2000, Frank Houston met with his victim “AHA” (identified now as Brett Sengstock) at a McDonald’s and wrote a figure of $10,000 on a napkin for Brett to sign. Brian Houston mailed the check to Brett in an envelope only containing the signed check and no correspondence. This was because Brett had contacted Brian to say that his father never sent the money he had promised. Brian did not report the payment to anyone within the Assemblies of God and claimed in a public statement in 2014 to Hillsong Church, “There have been reports of money being paid to the victim. Again for clarification, this was between my father and the victim. It had nothing to do with me or Hillsong church.”
  • Brian, who was the national president of the Assemblies of God in Australia,  revoked his dad’s credentials for preaching but never removed him from the church, as far as I can tell. In fact, according to the report Brian and his dad continued to have weekly meetings where they discussed ministry together
  • Hillsong released a statement in 2015 in response to the Royal Commission report. They said, “The perpetrator, Frank Houston, was immediately removed from ministry by Pastor Brian and church leadership and never ministered in the church again, ensuring no child was placed in danger. He is now deceased.”  The reality is that, by not reporting him to police, by not removing him from the church altogether, and by having conversations about restoring Frank back to ministry, they placed every child in danger. The Royal Commission states, “The minutes also record that Mr. Frank Houston would be invited the ‘Assemblies of God [in Australia] restoration program.” This program was a rehabilitation program designed to restore pastors who had been removed back into the ministry. Fortunately, Pastor Ainge said at that meeting that Frank would not be approved because the “Administration Manual prohibited rehabilitation of paedophiles.”
  • Though Frank Houston repeatedly raped AHA and multiple other victims, he only “confessed” to one instance of fondling AHA to his son Brian. Pastor Taylor wrote in minutes from their November 28th, 1999 meeting concerning this “confession,” “Frank Houston had confessed to a lesser incident than the truthful one but it was further than I had been able to get.” Though they all knew Frank minimized the abuse to one petty incident of fondling to which Pastor Taylor said, “I did not and do not believe,” nobody ever questioned Frank any further, reported him to police, or made him stand before the church to be publicly held accountable for his crimes
  • Even though Brian testified that he was aware in 2000 of 6 additional victims in New Zealand, Frank was still permitted to “retire” from his church in Australia with “a simple statement concerning Frank’s retirement” that was made while he and his wife were on vacation in New Zealand in January 2001. He was paid a retirement package, “which included financial support for him and his wife.” The Royal Commission concluded: “Despite having knowledge that Mr. Frank Houston admitted to sexually abusing AHA, the National Executive allowed Mr. Frank Houston to publicly resign, without damage to his reputation or the reputation of Hillsong Church.”

I could fill many more bullet points. I walked a similar path as Brian Houston when an allegation of sexual abuse of a minor was brought to my attention by one of my father’s victims. As a minister who has walked this path, I struggle to make sense of how the allegations of Frank Houston were handled. Brian testified in 2014 that Brett was 35 or 36 years old when the abuse was discovered, that he was in a brittle state, and that he did not want Brian to report for fear of his story going public. Hillsong Church brought themselves to a new low in their 2015 statement by saying, “The victim was a 36 year old adult when this abuse became known and could have taken the matter to police himself at any time.” 

What Brian and Hillsong attorneys omit in their public statements is that the very next month after Brian found out about his father, Pastor Barbara Taylor wrote Brian a letter stating that Brett (AHA) was “so very, very soft” and that “there was a complete change in attitude. . . He wanted to know if I had told you he was thinking of legal proceedings.” 

Why, given this new information, did Brian not report? Why make the argument that the victim was in a brittle state and why pay him a sum of $10,000 the following year when you knew he was thinking of legal proceedings? Brett specifically wanted Pastor Taylor to let Brian know that he was ready for legal proceedings, which meant Brett was willing to talk to whomever he needed to seek justice and bring about closure. 

It’s important to note that the victim of my father who disclosed to me was not a child. She was an adult in a brittle state and I never expected her to report her own abuser. Furthermore, I too had victims who came forward just days after the first victim disclosed to me and begged me not to report my father, their abuser. It was too late. I wasted no time in reporting it to the police. But that wouldn’t have changed my decision to report anyway. When my father was arrested, those same victims thanked me for standing firm and reporting. When it comes to the sexual abuse and exploitation of minor children, we ministers can’t play judge and jury. Sexual abuse of a minor was a criminal offense in 1999 in Australia and it is still a criminal offense today. We ministers can’t pick and choose which crimes we wish to report, no matter who the offender is. 

Brian Houston frequently talks about the day he found out as “being the worst day of my life.” I can’t be critical on that point. I don’t think Brian is exaggerating and I believe him to be sincere on this point. The day I found out I was floored. Devastated doesn’t even come close to how I felt. Brian rightly talks about how difficult it was to navigate as a pastor, a father, as the leader of a church, and having to confront his own father. But what I felt on July 29, 2011 and what Brian felt in October of 1999 pales in comparison to what our fathers’ victims experienced time after time after time when they were raped and humiliated. Nor does it compare to what they still experience each and every day of their lives today. When Brian and I found out our fathers were abusers on the worst day of our lives we both still had an obligation and a mandate to report to the police. 

I really don’t doubt that Brian struggled, and is still struggling today with what his father did. Our lives are never the same after finding out our heroes are guilty of such heinous crimes. But I just can’t understand why Brian failed to report to the police. A thousand pages couldn’t contain all the thoughts that went through my head when I was sitting in the police station with my mother making a report about my father. Even still, failing to report never entered my mind. Obviously for Brian it did. In the December 1999 meeting, the minutes state that Brian “said he had spoken to a barrister who had told him that if it goes to court his father would surely be incarcerated for the crime.” I didn’t have to speak to an attorney to know the implications of my reporting my father. In fact, I didn’t have time to consult with an attorney before I reported. My father was incarcerated a few short weeks after I reported him. He will spend the rest of his days on earth behind bars. That doesn’t bring me joy, but neither was the reality of his incarceration a reason for me to keep the information I had from police. 

For the life of me I can’t comprehend why Brian and the other leadership misled the church about Frank’s “retirement,” or why he was given a financial retirement reward for his crimes when he earned prison time instead. Nor can I understand why all the other people who were in the know besides for Brian failed to report to police. I don’t get why they had a conversation about restoring Frank to the church just days after Brian was made aware of the allegations. Or why Hillsong keeps putting up these horrific statements defending the church instead of expressing their brokenness on behalf of the victims. A better statement would express their sorrow over all that has been lost for the victims and would apologize for the mistakes that were made in the way leadership in 1999 handled the allegations. They should share in the pain, anger, and frustration of Franks victims, including Brett. But instead their attorneys released a statement with bullet points of all the “misleading statements” of the 60 Minutes episode. 

In the end, I think it’s important for churches to know that how you respond to abuse allegations matters. It matters to survivors. It matters to police. It matters to the church as a whole. Brian Houston is learning that past failures are today’s problems. We’re never going to get everything completely right. There are too many variables and our judgment is clouded by the shock of knowing the abuser is someone we love and respect. But this is a case where not much went right at all. Brian Houston and Hillsong Church have to be willing to admit that. They have a very bright spotlight on them right now. They can either choose to humbly admit their failures and fully side with the victims or they can keep releasing their defensive media statements that make it sound as if there weren’t any bad decisions that were made. 

I honestly want to see them take the right steps. For the sake of victims everywhere. And for the sake of Christ and his church. 

*Feature image courtesy of CC BY-SA 3.0, via Creative Commons license, some rights reserved. 

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Abusers become more brazen when they are suspected of abuse

Larry Nassar

Pedophile abusers are not intimidated by church policies or accountability partners and will not refrain from abusing kids simply because a handful of people are “keeping an eye” on them. When they are in the church, they are primed for abuse and will strike again. Churches have made a fatal theological mistake by not calling wolves by the proper name and this, in my opinion, is a leading reason why churches continue to be one of the most dangerous places for our youth. Churches mistakenly accept wolves as if they were sheep and give them exactly what they seek to devour. The Bible rightly distinguishes wolves from sheep because wolves are inherently intent on feasting on their prey. A wolf does not get better–he or she gets smarter. Wolves do not convert into sheep. They are, by nature, predators and predators blend in to the flock of prey exceptionally well. 

Peter says, “They count it pleasure to revel in the daytime. They are blots and blemishes, reveling in their deceptions, while they feast with you” (2 Peter 2:13 ESV). Peter never has a nice, forgiving, or accommodating word for them. Never does he talk about reconciliation; never does he refer to these false preachers as “brothers.” Quite the opposite. Peter says, “What the true proverb says has happened to them: ‘The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire'” (2 Peter 2:22). 

What about Paul? Is he any softer in his approach? Not even close! Paul says that they are “reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people” (2 Timothy 3:4, 5). In the very next sentence Paul says that they “creep into households” and capture weak (vulnerable) women who are “burdened with sins and led astray by various passions.” Importantly, Paul doesn’t prescribe religious community to bring these impostors to repentance or to hold them accountable. Instead he warns Timothy and recommends Christians in the Ephesian church avoid them! Why? Because, according to Paul, “evil people and impostors will go on from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived” (2 Timothy 3:13). 

Surely Jesus, who died for mankind and told people to love their enemies and turn the other cheek, has more compassion on abusers who masquerade as righteous people? Jesus himself sternly warned, “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruit. . . A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits” (Matthew 7:15, 18-20).  

I find it extremely relevant that Jesus never asks us to pray for, encourage, heal, or embrace the false prophet who masquerades as a child of light. In fact, no author of the Bible does. Rather, we find a trove of passages throughout the Bible–passages that have been conveniently ignored or glossed over–which tell us to warn others about oppressive, abusive, and deceptive people. Why should we warn and not encourage? Because impostors have evil intentions, they love to revel in the daytime, they are fueled by deception, and they will always go from bad to worse. 

After my own dad was exposed as an abuser, I had to deconstruct all the twisted theology I’d been taught my whole life. It takes an incredible amount of humility and honesty to admit that much of what we thought we knew about God could be flawed. But I wanted to know what God had to say about evil in light of his justice and, particularly, what he says about deception. The vast majority of churches I’ve come into contact with re-frame deception as “stumbling,” “getting caught up in sin,” etc. and argue that the Bible implores us to embrace all sinners and reintegrate them into the fold. The sheer irony is that seldom is this same principle applied to victims of child sexual abuse (or abuse of any kind). Clearly we need more accurate training in our seminaries. 

I have studied pedophiles and their deception techniques a lot. Actually, that’s an understatement. I’ve lived and breathed it for the past seven years. The more I observe, the more I realize that the Bible speaks with precision when it comes to deception and that impostors, unlike other sinners, are always calculated, intentional, and purposely intend to intimidate and inflict harm on innocent victims. Impostors really do revel in the daytime. They thrive on the adrenaline rush they get from oppressing the innocent and vulnerable. They love using religious speak and sound very convincing. And they always go on from bad to worse. I’ve waded through thousands of pages of documents and have spoken with hundreds of people trying to grasp the gravity of it all. I’ve asked pointed questions of pedophile offenders and the people who work beside them in prisons. 

And one thing that keeps capturing my attention is this: Abusers get a rush from getting caught abusing victims in plain sight. Some of you may know that my expertise is in deception and abuse in plain sight. I’ve written many posts about this and now collaborate with neuroscientists Dr. Stephen Macknik and Dr. Susana Martinez-Conde. Their data on visual illusions and what they’ve coined “sleights of mind” is earth-shattering, in my opinion. Their research on deception has opened up a whole new world for me and helped me unlock a host of ideas and concepts that were long floating around in my head. It’s well known that many abusers (possibly the majority of abusers) intentionally abuse their victims in plain sight of others. What’s not as well known is that they consciously use sophisticated techniques that they practice in order to hack belief systems and hold the adults’ spotlight of attention. Just like close up magic, these techniques are used to keep adults blind to the abuse that’s happening right in front of them. 

But there is an additional thrill that comes when they are caught. Several years ago, when discussing specific techniques used to abuse victims in plain sight of adults, my dad had this to say about getting caught: 

“If it all comes out, how would you prove any of this?  So nothing happens except the pedophile is now emboldened to explore more brazen abuses and win the acceptance/trust and secrecy of the child.”

I think the world was shocked in January when many victims and their parents described how Dr. Larry Nassar would digitally penetrate and massage the bare breasts of his victims as he was casually talking with the parents who were in the same room. The Bible says this type of impostor who revels in the daylight will go on from bad to worse. He had everyone fooled in spite of the many times he was reported. Nassar is an important case study because he is exactly the type of abuser that churches long to embrace. He masterfully fakes remorse and his abuse techniques are common to most abusers. His demeanor is kind, grandfatherly, and respectful. He convincingly appeared to be broken over the uncovering of his sins at Judge Aquilina’s sentencing. But I wasn’t buying his facade for a second. I know that abusers like Larry Nassar thrive on abuse in plain sight. I also believed that Nassar was like the typical abuser my dad described in countless letters to me from prison. So I did some research. 

I discovered that Nassar was in fact caught many times. And each time he was caught, with the exception of the final interrogation in 2016, Larry Nassar responded exactly how my dad described abusers in his letter–it only emboldened him to explore more brazen abuses and win the acceptance/secrecy of the child. The following is a case-in-point with a victim named in a suit as Jane C. Doe. Nassar had a medical assistant in the room who asked him where his hand was as he was digitally penetrating his victim. It did not deter Nassar in the least. In fact, he dismissed the assistant from the room and continued to penetrate his victim:

Larry Nassar

Over the years, several little girls reported that Nassar had touched them in a way that was not right. It made them very uncomfortable, caused physical pain, and even urinary tract infections. One victim, named Larissa Boyce, told coach Kathie Klages about the abuse. Klages, who was later indicted herself, brushed it off and told Larissa that she was mistaken, that Larry was a “good friend.” If you believe, like I once believed, that a little girl reporting to another coach would make an abuser like Nassar nervous, you would be wrong. The dog returns to its own vomit, and the sow, after washing herself, returns to wallow in the mire. Evil people and impostors go on from bad to worse. Here is what happened the next time Larissa was sent back to Larry Nassar for “treatment” after reporting to Klages: 

The next time she went to visit Larry, he closed the door, pulled up a stool, sat down, and looked at her. “So,” he said, “I talked to Kathie.”

source

The abuse continued. Many argue that I’m unfair to abusers “who have a past” and that once they spent time in prison we have no business “airing their dirty laundry” to the church. But I’ve waded through hundreds of pages of documents just on Larry Nassar alone. He did this over and over again, victim after helpless victim. When he suspected or knew that a victim told on him, the abuse always intensified and progressed to more blatant techniques in front of their parents.  This is not unique to Larry Nassar. It’s what abusers do. There’s a thrill of the hunt, but there’s a bigger thrill of getting caught and talking their way out of it. 

This is why I will never recommend a church create limited contact agreements (aka “accountability covenants”) for convicted pedophiles who were released from prison. Never assume that prison somehow transformed them, or broke them down, or that they are not skilled enough to find a way to abuse a child right in front of your eyes. 

When I watched the Nassar sentencing live, I cheered Judge Aquilina on when she read part of Nassar’s letter. Nassar had just read his statement to his victims and he said that hearing his victims “has shaken me to my core.” Again, I wasn’t buying it, and neither was Judge Aquilina. I’ve seen this dog-and-pony act that abusers give to churches when they are released from prison. They are incredibly convincing with their words, body posture, and crocodile tears.  Yet the Bible demands that we beware. God’s word tells us that deceivers and impostors are waterless mists, born for destruction, and they revel in the daytime while they feast with you. 

After Nassar’s apology to his victims, Judge Aquilina read part of Nassar’s letter that he wrote a couple months prior. She said, “The reason I’m going to do that (read parts of the letter) is because I’ve considered it in sentencing as an extension of your apology, and whether I believe it or not.” Nassar berated the Attorney General, the Federal Judge, Judge Aquilina, and even the victims when he claimed “what I did in the state cases was all medical, not sexual. . . The media convinced them (victims) that everything I did was wrong and bad. They feel I broke their trust. Hell hath no fury like a woman’s scorn.” 

In a recent interview with TODAY, Hoda Kotb asked Judge Aquilina, “Do you think it registered to him that he did something wrong?” Judge Aquilina immediately answered, “No. That’s why there’s the meme of me tossing the letter. I tossed it because there’s a bunch of junk in there and the primary problem I have with the letter is that he still thinks he’s a doctor and he still thinks he was performing medical (treatment).” 

I beg church leaders to study this. Read the court dockets. Listen to Nassar’s victims as they recount the trauma and pain. Listen to Nassar’s lame apology, and listen to the letter he wrote a couple months prior. Then ask yourself if you think he’s remorseful now that he’s in prison, if he’s haunted by what he has done to hundreds, if not thousands of victims. Remember that Nassar learned that one of his victims committed suicide and he heard another victim, Kyle Stephens, describe how she lost her father to suicide because of the abuse. 

Nassar was not remorseful on the day of sentencing and he is not remorseful now. In fact, he already appealed his sentence three times since January! This is what wolves do. Nassar appealed. Sandusky appealed. Jared Fogle appealed. Bill Cosby appealed. My own father appealed just two weeks ago. Pick any abuser. They are entitled. They believe the system is rigged and they will do whatever it takes to get out of prison so they can go back into our churches where they will be embraced and protected. I will say it till I’m blue in the face–keeping an eye on abusers is not effective. If abusers can full on molest victims in front of trained medical staff, be questioned on it, and return to abusing the same victim seconds later, believe when I say that an accountability covenant won’t deter them. Extra windows on doors won’t deter them. We need to realize that abusers are wolves, and our theology of warning and protecting others needs to match it. 

I strongly believe that we need to focus our attention on learning and understanding specific techniques abusers use to abuse their victims in plain sight. These wolves are banking on our ignorance. They expect to be able to talk themselves out of it because most of us would never believe that someone could molest a child within inches of us without our seeing it. It sounds absurd. And the abusers know it.

It’s important to note that what finally made Nassar crumble was when Rachael Denhollander, one of Nassar’s victims, took the time to study Nassar’s abusive techniques juxtaposed with proper pelvic floor treatment. Though she didn’t necessarily study the techniques Nassar used to keep her mother blind to the abuse, she was thorough in her research of pelvic floor techniques. She did her homework and armed the police with enough information that they could begin, for the first time ever, to poke holes in Nassar’s explanation of his fake methodology. Rachael said: 

“And I brought with me to those reports, my medical records showing that Larry had never charted penetrative techniques. I brought medical records from a nurse practitioner documenting my graphic disclosure of abuse way back in 2004. 
“I had my journals showing the mental anguish I had been in since the assault, a catalog of national and international medical journal articles showing what real pelvic floor treatment looks like. I brought a letter from a neighboring district attorney vouching for my character and truthfulness and urging detectives to take my case seriously.”

If we are going to ever stand a chance of detecting deception, we must begin with studying it. Another important step is to have a proper theology where we name wolves and warn congregations that they are near. The Bible instructs us to warn others and to avoid wolves, not because it is archaic and judgmental. Rather, the Bible expects us to tap into wisdom and to use discernment so that we can recognize when impostors have crept in among us. Children will never stand a chance if we fail to identify wolves and keep them at bay. 

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Convicted sexual predator pastor at Fellowship Bible Church: I’ve been forgiven

Fellowship Bible Church

“Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne; steadfast love and faithfulness go before you” (Ps. 89:14 ESV)

If we get the foundation wrong, everything we build upon it will crumble. God’s foundation is righteousness and justice. Yet inevitably any time I post about holding abusers accountable, someone (usually a preacher) throws in a jab about whether I believe in forgiveness and redemption and completely ignores the righteousness and justice of God. To be clear–I believe fully in forgiveness and redemption. I also believe that the Bible is clear when it comes to God’s righteousness and justice. To forgive an unrepentant wolf cheapens grace, places many at risk, and makes a mockery of God’s justice.

I asked my congregation Sunday how many of them have ever heard that forgiveness is for their own sake and not for their abuser or the person who sinned against them. Nearly every hand went up. Then I asked how many of them actually experienced increased anxiety and ongoing inner turmoil as a result of putting that principle into practice. All but 3 or 4 hands went up. Let me say that again. All but 3 or 4 hands went up. We blindly tell people that forgiving the person who wronged them is for the victim’s own sake (a concept that I have yet to find in the Holy scriptures) and that they must forgive their abuser even if the abuser is unrepentant. Ironically, at least in my own congregation, that instead created confusion and actually increased their level of anxiety.

A few weeks ago I learned of Kelly Haines when The Wartburg Watch published her story: John Longaker, a Convicted Predator, Is Now a Pastor, and His Brave Victim, Kelly Haines, Wants to Know Why. Rather than rehash all the details, I’ll just say that Mr. Longaker repeatedly sexually assaulted Kelly when he was a teacher in the 90s at a Christian school in Pennsylvania. This went on from the time she was 14 till she was 18. He served a short sentence and now pastors at Fellowship Bible Church in Vermont.

Several things caught my attention with this story. For one, Longaker takes no responsibility and instead accuses Kelly of attempting to “destroy him”.Here is an excerpt from an e-mail to Dee at The Wartburg Watch: “Since this is not the first time that Kelly has tried to destroy me by contacting different people in my church, there are many people who are aware of my past and have accepted me.”  Furthermore, while saying he “paid the price,” Longaker never admits to any wrongdoing. I got the impression that the price he feels he paid was for what Kelly did to “destroy” him and not for his own wickedness. In fact, he said, “My fear is that my denial of the accusations is just going to stir up the #metoo people all the more.”  It’s worth noting that, in addition to Kelly, two more victims have now spoken up about their abuse. Longaker would allegedly rub his erect penis on one of the victims and digitally penetrate her while working at a Christian book store. This happened over a period of a year after his release from prison! This happened, according to one victim, during a time period where his Parole Officer was stopping up at work to check in with him.

But what really caught my attention was Mr. Longaker’s horrifying response in that e-mail just a few weeks ago to Dee Parsons:

“Even if I did all the horrible things that Kelly said I did, I’ve been forgiven.” 

When people ask me, “What about forgiveness?” I ask them, “What about justice?” It’s tempting for Christians to assume it’s their Christian duty to believe abusers like Longaker really are innocent, or remorseful, or repentant. Or that a victim remembered events differently than they really happened. Or that it was all a big fat misunderstanding. Or that an abuser served their time and is now fit for ministry or the church. And I always urge people to look at records. SO many churches balk at this idea and deem it “unfair” when I explain that this should be standard procedure with sexual predators of minor children. Looking at records is not about “digging up the past.” It’s about using discernment to see if the abuser is being honest with you today. A repentant person has no secrets about their past. Is Longaker really suffering from a case of a madwoman who falsely accused him? See for yourself what Longaker admitted to and compare it with his statements today:

When I saw Longaker’s delusional response about forgiveness, my heart skipped a beat for Kelly. It skipped because this is what victims are told everywhere. They can’t escape it. Their counselors tell them they must forgive their abuser in order to heal. Their pastors tell them they must forgive or they won’t be forgiven by God. Heck, their own abusers tell them that they need to forgive them. Their family and friends–everywhere victims turn they hear that they must forgive or there is something wrong with them, that they are “holding on to bitterness.” Take the high road. Forgive or you can’t heal. At some point, victims begin believing it. And the abusers know it. Then they make statements like the one Longaker made just a few short weeks ago–Even if I did all the horrible things that Kelly said I did, I’ve been forgiven.

Make no mistake, this message was for Kelly. What Longaker meant was, Nobody will believe you, Kelly. All these years have passed and you won’t let it go. You don’t know how to forgive, and now the world knows it. 

Kelly was kind enough to speak with me this week and I wanted to ask how that horrible comment about forgiveness by her abuser affected her. Here was Kelly’s response:

“It unhinged me. The whole forgiveness thing has me so confused and distorted. I’ve been told that I need to forgive my abuser and myself. What am I forgiving myself for? I was 14. It makes me feel responsible when I hear that. . . The forgiveness thing has been thrown in my face a million times. It’s easy to tell someone to forgive their abuser when they’ve not been abused by him. By forgiving him I feel like I’m enabling him.”

God agrees. Part of the problem is that we confuse (un)forgiveness with bitterness. They are not the same thing. You can withhold forgiveness yet release bitterness towards a person. Forgiveness releases the debt (from sin) that someone has accumulated. If a bank forgives your debt, you no longer need to attempt payment. Why in the world would one banker forgive the bank robber who is still robbing other banks? The Bible doesn’t direct us to extend forgiveness to unrepentant wolves. In fact, Paul is very clear on this, as in the case of the man having sex with his own mother in the Corinthian church: “Let him who has done this be removed from among you. . . you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of the flesh” (1 Cor. 5:2, 5 ESV). Paul doesn’t tell the mother and the church to forgive this man. To the contrary–he implores them to remove him from the church and hand him over to Satan! And why should they hand him over to Satan? “So that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord” (vs. 5).  

What’s interesting is that this man who was shamed actually repented as a result of the church alienating him! Only after he repented did Paul urge them to forgive him and receive him back. Paul said, “For such a one, this punishment by the majority is enough, so you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Cor. 2:6-8). Paul urges the church to remove the unrepentant sinner, hand him over to Satan for the destruction of the flesh, then expresses the success from a “punishment by the majority.”

What happens when we teach the unbiblical concept of unconditional forgiveness? Exactly what Kelly describes. We enable the abuser to keep abusing and we shame his victims in the process. I asked Kelly what was the most hurtful thing that she read from her abuser. After describing to me the relentless insults and threats she’s receiving from Longaker’s faithful followers, Kelly said, “When he said, ‘She’s tried to destroy my life.’ That was the hardest thing for me. My life has been destroyed by his abuse. He’s still abusing me with the support and help of his church.” 

This is a far cry from what Paul prescribed in Corinth. We release people from the debt they owe us when they make attempts to pay back their debt. For most of us who have insurmountable debt, it can never be repaid. That’s why mercy and grace are so beautiful. Paul is a prime example. Paul could never pay back what he owed. And he didn’t receive mercy just because. Rather, “I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly and in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus” (1 Tim. 1:13, 14).

Acting in ignorance and unbelief is a far cry from acting with intention and deceit.

We need to expose liars and predators who are unrepentant as well as the churches that rally around them. Shame on Mr. Longaker for accusing Kelly of “destroying him.” Shame on him for not owning up to his sins, both past and present. Shame on him for creating more victims after his release from prison and for worming his way back into ministry where he himself claims to be counseling sexual abuse victims today. And shame on Fellowship Bible Church for receiving a wolf and shaming their wolf’s victim. To quote Fellowship Bible Church elder Don Wood when NOQ Report reporter Paige Rogers called: “Tell Kelly to stop the nonsense. Okay? Goodbye. And don’t call again. Otherwise, I’ll report you.”

Well Mr. Longaker, you may believe you’ve been forgiven but I, for one, will not join the chorus of voices who demand Kelly forgive you. You have some soul searching to do. Your church itself needs to repent and hand you over to Satan so that your spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord. They are enablers of the worst kind. 

I asked Kelly what she would like to see happen as a result of her abuser being exposed. Here is her beautiful response: 

“I want people to not be blinded to just trusting everyone who walks through the church doors. I couldn’t go to church Sunday. This brings up so many emotions. Parents need to wake up to the fact that many in the pulpit don’t have your best interest in mind. This is because we are taught to be a forgiving people. These people are responsible for relationships. Don’t walk around with your head in the mud. The church will do what the church will do. But we need to know that churches aren’t safe. Stop leaving your kids to the wolves. Just because the pastor says it’s safe doesn’t mean you accept it blindly. Even if my abuser is not leaving his church, I just want parents to have an awareness.”

Churches who replace justice for cheapened forgiveness are cracking the foundation of God’s righteousness and justice. Let’s do a better job of holding sinful people accountable.